It's better to burn out

Than to fade away

~Neil Young

'What am I doing here?' I think as I worm my way through the bustling game convention. The hall is full of simulators and gritty, brown first-person-shooters. I too was popular once, many years ago. I was practically the face of Playstation. Where did it all go wrong?

Crunch managed to make a name for himself in gay porn, and Cortex OD'd in an alley like some washed up bitch. As for me? I'm just a nobody, a loser, and honestly, an alcoholic. I've just been living in my sister's garage while she flips burgers to support us both. Burgers! She used to be a computer genius, she used to ride tigers, and jet skis, and planes, she fought evil, she raced karts; we both did, what happened to us?

I stumble into a room where Mario and Pikachu are making it rain on Zelda and Metroid Other M as they twerk. Sanic lays pathetically in a ball on the floor under the plumber, who has him on a leash. The hegehog is a shell of his former self. When we make eye contact, he whispers "kill me." Mario hears. "You don't-a get-a to die, bitch!" He screams, and pimp slaps Sanic with all his strength. Pikachu and the girls don't seem to find any of this unusual.

Then Mario notices me. "Who the fuck-a are you?" the Italian asks, loathing evident in his voice.

"Come on, man, don't you remember your old rival?"

He laughs. "That'sa cute. You thought-a you were anything but a mere ant compared to me, Mario!" He roughly grabs Sanic. "He thought he was-a hot shit too, but now look-a at him!" He punctuates his sentence by savagely punching the blue blur in the face, over and over.

I feel the need to defend myself, even if it won't do anything.

"Hey, I was doing great in the nineties! I was totally competing with you as a mascot!"

"I'm playstation's mascot! Dragons are way more marketable than whatever the hell you are!" Spyro the dargon appears.

"You wish. I was miles ahead of you."

"Oh yeah? When was the last time you were even in a game?"

I was in a mobile game 5 years ago. "You're not in games anymore either, big guy."

Mario and Pikachu seem to consider our petty squabbling beneath them. They go back to drinking and partying with the girls, completely ignoring us.

"Um, ever heard of Skylanders?" My adversary asked matter-of-factly.

"You're in Skylanders?" This was the first I'd heard of it. Spyro looks offended.

"Of course I'm in Skylanders! I'm the star of Skylanders!"

"Dude, I've seen a bunch of ads for it, I don't remember any of them even mentioning you. If you are in this game, they don't consider you a selling point."

He was furious now. Why did I say that? "At least I'm still in games! What have you been doing?"

Spending all my sister's money on booze. "I have a big project in the works! Crash is about to make his comeback, baby!"

"Whatever. I'd better get going now. Important game stuff. You understand." The dargon starts to leave. "It was nice seeing you again, Crash, Sanic."

"Gotta go fast," Sanic replies meekly, but his eyes say "I long for the sweet release of death."

"Bye. Good luck on that big project!" And Spyro is gone. I wonder if he really had something to do, or if he just couldn't stand to be in the same room as us anymore. I glance back at Mario, who's pouring champagne down Zelda's top while Pikachu snorts a line of coke. I should leave too. There's nothing for me here. I slip out quietly, and drive home without looking back.