Shawn and Jules down in Shulesville liked Christmas a lot
But Lassie, who worked just north of Shulesville did not
Lassie hated Christmas, the whole Christmas season
Now please don't ask why, No one quite knows the reason.
It could have been the headache caused by all the lights
Or it could have been the greater number of bar fights.
But I think the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.
But,
whatever the reason the lights or the booze
he sat there in the police station hating on Shules.
Staring across from his desk, with his cold Lassie glare,
At his partner's workspace and the Psychic who was perched there
He knew that jokes were being told and whispers exchanged
For all he knew despite his complaints
that they'd locked lips under the mistletoe wreath.
"And they'll spend all night talking!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Next week is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Lassie fingers nervously drumming.
"I MUST find a way to keep those kisses from coming!"
For tomorrow he knew... Shules and Gus, too
Would walk in bright and early, they'd interrupt his work.
And then! Oh, the ridiculous noise and psychic visions.
That's one thing he hated, those visions, visions, visions.
Then those two, along with Guster, would sit down to a treat
And they'd eat treats, and eat treats,
Treats, treats, treats, treats,
They would start with Jamba Juice and have two a piece at least
Funny named smoothies were something Lassiter couldn't stand in the least!
And Then!
They'd do something he liked least of all
Shawn and Jules down in Shulesville,
Would stand close together, with their silly eyes twinkling
They'd stand hand-in-hand, and then they would start...
Lassiter wasn't even going to imagine that.
They'd kiss! And hold hands!
And they'd kiss and hold hands and be ridiculous.
And the more Lassie thought of the Shules-Christmas-Kiss
The more Lassie thought, "I must stop this whole thing!"
"For almost five years I've put up with it now!
I must stop this kissing from coming!
… but How?"
The he got an idea!
An awful idea!
Lassie, got a wonderful, awful idea!
"I know just what to do," he muttered to himself.
He made a quick note on his CL emblazoned letterhead.
And as he headed for more coffee, he almost did a little dance.
"With this rule in place, it'll squash all their romance!"
"All I need is a scapegoat..."
Lassie looked around
But since scapegoats are scare, there was none to be found.
Did that stop Lassie?
No! Lassie simply said,
"If I can't find a scapegoat, I'll make one instead!"
So he called the rookie Buzz. Then he took his new rule
And he convinced McNab he needed it too.
THEN
He loaded his coffee
With sugar and cream
In his personal mug
And waited on his scheme
Then Lassie grinned and smirked
As the rookie headed into
The chief's office where the chief
Would put an end to this silly thing called Shules.
The next day it was dark, clouds and rain filled the air.
Shawn and Jules were all cuddling up to each other without care.
When Lassie complained about the PDA that was there.
"This is against the rules," Lassie told his partner with a hiss
And he headed for coffee, his personal mug in his fist.
The he headed for interrogation, to talk to a safe cracker.
And open and shut case, almost too easy for Lassiter.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then the suspect confessed, just to a pigeon on a stool.
Lassie walked past O'Hara's desk afterwards
Smirking when he saw Spencer was nowhere to be seen or heard.
He spent the rest of the day, with a smile most unpleasant
Filing paperwork and reports, like they were early Christmas Presents.
Larceny, smuggling, fraud and B&E's
Murders, muggings and even robberies.
He filled his personal mug thrice and then Lassie, who was almost happy
Handed in those reports to the front desk rookie.
Then he slunk past O'Hara's desk. Which was still Spencer free.
He had gotten rid of the Shules-kissing. He'd thought to himself, with glee
He cleaned out his mug as quick as a flash
Then Lassie headed out to get some lunch.
He ordered his food at the local delicatessen
Still smirking to himself, "Looks like O'Hara and Spencer have learned their lesson."
And Lassie reached for his sandwich to take a big bite
When he heard a small sound like a mouse full of might.
He turned around fast and saw to his dismay
Juliet-Loo Who, his partner, who was less than amused.
Lassie had been cornered by this fearsome young detective
Who was fed up with the nonsense of her childish partner
She stared at Lassiter and said, "Carlton, why?
Why are you against station kisses? Why?"
But, you know, that Lassie was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, Juliet, that's absurd," the lying Lassie deflected,
"McNab's got a thing against public affection.
I'll talk to him about it right after this ham and cheese on rye.
I'll talk to him there and we'll clear it up in the blink of an eye."
And his fib fooled his partner. Then he waved her away
And bought her a sandwich and headed on his way.
And when Juliet-Loo Who was sitting in a booth
Lassie headed to the station to make sure no one knew the truth.
Then the first thing he did
When he got back to the station
Was to informed Spencer he should leave, to alleve the situation.
His partner was pissed
He convinced McNab it was his problem
Lassiter chalked up his day to being a good one.
Then
Lassie went to the shooting range
To shake off the feeling he thought was so strange
It wasn't his fault, he assured himself, shrugging
As he blew through targets pleasantly humming
It was a quarter past seven...
When Lassie headed home to rest
His partner still seated, right there at her desk
He packed up his glock.
And thought about how pleasant it would be in the morning.
With no kissing, or hand holding or visions to be annoying.
Eleven hours later, Lassie was back at work.
The smile on his face could hardly be called a smirk.
"pooh-pooh on the Shules!" He was Lassie-ish-ly grinning.
"They're finding out now that no kisses are coming!"
"They're just getting here! I know just what Spencer will do!"
"His mouth will hang open and then he'll probably pout!
Then he'll have a vision and the chief will kick him out!"
"That's a vision," grinned Lassie
"That I simply must see!"
So he waited, and waited, while drinking his coffee.
And he did see something in the front entrance
He didn't believe it at first, but it held him in a trance
But the vision wasn't sad!
Why... this vision looked happy!
It couldn't be so!
But it was happy! Almost sappy!
He stared at Shawn and Jules
Then Lassie rubbed his eyes
Then he gaped
What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Shawn and Jules in Shulesville, were standing mere meters apart.
They were kissing! Right there on the other side of the door!
He hadn't stopped Shules kissing at all.
Somehow or other, they kissed just the same.
And Lassie, with his coffee getting ice cold in his mug,
Stood puzzling and puzzling, "How could it be so?
It came without hugging, it came without mistletoe
It came with without handholding or any of those.
And he puzzled for what felt like hours, 'till his puzzler was sore.
Then Lassie thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe... kissing...," he thought, "isn't against the rules."
"Maybe kissing... perhaps... means a little bit more!"
And what happened then...?
Well... in Shulesville they say
That Lassie's small heart
Grew three sizes that day!
And then minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight
He dropped his coffee on the floor and headed for the chief's office.
And he ripped up his note, and told her that rule had to go.
And he...
… Lassie himself!
Provided the mistletoe.