Danielle
Maybe I am paranoid. That the only explanation I have as to why I would doubt Tom. He is the sweet boyfriend I have always known him to be, and tonight he wants to be with me! I'm stressing over nothing.
Thinking he is up to something. Pssh, yeah right!
"Hey D!" someone yelled, interrupting my thoughts.
Pulling myself out of the trance I was in, I turned to see who it was that said my name. Realizing it was Jaz I stopped so she could catch up with me. "Hey Jaz, what's up?" I asked as she fell into place next to me.
"Nothing, did I startle you?"
"Not really, I was just wrapped up in something else. No big." I said, brushing it off. I put on the best lie I knew.
Overall, I realized I was embarrassed that I was being such an idiot. I didn't want Jaz to worry about me. There really was nothing to worry about.
"I see," she said, thoughtfully biting the inside of her cheeks. Ignoring her thoughts she continued, "So what are you and Tommy boy doing tonight?" She asked, playfully elbowing me.
Aware of my thoughts I answered. "I'm not sure entirely at this point. He's being…odd, today."
"Odd?" she asked, eyebrows rose.
"I'm not sure how to explain it Jaz. Call it girlfriends' intuition. I just kind of have a feeling he's up to something. He's doing things he hasn't done in forever. Practically a year. Last year's football season ended and they started priming him to be captain so he was busy and now he is captain, and I am so happy for him, but he still doesn't have time." I said honestly.
For some unexplained reason she started to laugh. I stopped mid-walk. Trying to figure out what I said that had been so funny. "Which part of that was funny Jaz?" my frustration clearly rising. "None of it was," I said with anger in my voice.
She held her hands up in surrender. "Hey! PMS much?" she asked, laughing still. "Danielle, listen to you. It's Tom for crying out loud! He's not up to anything, you of all people should know that by now. Intuition or not," she said, pausing to think about what to say next. "I mean he loves you D. That's very obvious. It's not like he's doing anything purposely weird to stress you out. You know that."
I let my body relax. "I know Jaz. I'm sorry, I'm just frazzled today I guess. I want to trust Tom, and I have every reason to. I just have this feeling. One that's hard to ignore. It's hard to explain.
"Yeah…"she said, trying to suppress another laugh. After a moment she continued, "Could you try to explain it to me D? Please," she begged.
I sighed. Everything I had said and felt made perfect sense in my head. How could I possibly explain it to her or anyone else for that matter? "He's being the guy I fell in love with Jaz. The guy I haven't seen in so long that it kind of scares me. I'm worried that this is it. This date signifies the end. You know? He never has time anymore to ask me out, why has that all of a sudden changed tonight? Why doesn't he suddenly have plans tonight?
Don't get me wrong Jaz; spending time with Tom tonight would be amazing! I love being with him. I'm just not entirely sure how to react to this."
The more I talked the more the floor tiles became interesting. Truth of the matter is I'm ashamed. I don't know how to react and I know this is the wrong way, but I can't help it. I don't want to see the look Jaz will have on her face. It makes me feel ashamed.
"Oh," she said after a minute.
"Yeah, I'm really sorry to dump this on you Jasmine. I just… I don't know what to do at this point," I told her, hanging my head.
"Don't stress D. I'm your friend, I should know these things," she said, stopping to think. "Would you like my opinion?"
"Sure, if you feel obligated to give it," I told her.
Who knows; maybe Jasmine knows exactly what to say to make this better.
The thing about our friendship is our relationship is an "emotional-seesaw." One day one of us is down and the other is up and can help the other one out, or it may switch. Then again some days we're on the same level. It just depends on the day.
"Danielle I am never obligated to do anything for you. Anytime I do anything for you I do it because I want to. First off, I love you Danielle. So don't act like I don't. I'm not going anywhere, and there's nothing you can do to make me leave," she said, almost as if she was scolding me.
"Second off, I think there is a possibility of him planning something on a bigger scale for you guys. You know what I mean? And knowing you I'm willing to bet you're not ready for it. Keep in mind though that you have been together for two years now.
I'm sure tonight's supposed to be about you. So if things aren't going right tell him, just don't get greedy with it," she told me.
I let a moment of silence go so I didn't have to address the "bigger scale" idea. I wondered if I should share things with her that I haven't shared with her ever. Then I let that thought go when she spoke.
"Well listen," she said looking at her watch. "I have to go to government, but we'll go out to lunch together. Just the two of us. So we can talk more, sound good?"
"Yeah, that sounds great!" I said, smiling softly to reassure her.
"Good, see ya sis," she said running off.
"See ya," I mumbled to no one in particular.
Jasmine truly is my best friend. She's been there for me for the longest time, and I know she meant it when she said she loved me. She always did.
It was a true and honest love from one best friend to another. Pure and real. It made my heart slow down from hyper mode and allowed me to breathe. It made me feel like I could deal with whatever was going to happen, as long as she was there to do it with me.
Tom
I was sitting in sociology, a school required course, blowing off the lesson, when Micheal randomly texted me.
Hey T-DOG!
Ugh!
Hey M-DOG. What's up?
I played along, but I hate it when Micheal calls me T-DOG. It's so stupid, it'd be ok if we were friends but we're not. I was named Tom for a reason, so people would call me it.
I never really liked the guy, I just had to put up with him when he and Jasmine got together, and being that Jasmine is Danielle's best friend. I just always had to pretend to like the guy. If it were up to me I'd put him and his promiscuous self in his own corner of the school.
Actually I need to ask you a quick question.
Sure thing, what's up?
Well… I was wondering if you and D hit home base yet.
I had to read the text back several times before it totally registered what he was saying. I was unsure if he actually had the guts to ask me what he just did. Since he's not my friend we haven't had this discussion like I have with some of my other friends. I'm not too thrilled about having it now. Slowly, I text him back.
Whoa! That came from nowhere! Getting a lil personal aren't you?
Dude… we've been best buds forever. Spill…
How he could be so oblivious to how unfriendly I really am to him, is beyond me. It's not like I told him I liked him he just always assumed. Now he thinks we're best friends. We couldn't be further off.
Still, I knew I shouldn't answer directly. Either way, no matter how I answered, he would run his mouth and mine and Danielle's business is not for the likes of Micheal.
Dude, what's happened between me and Danielle is are business. I can't share that with you. Why you wanna know?
I want to wit Jaz.
I stopped.
Being a guy I knew I should probably encourage him, but that wouldn't look good at all, and I really didn't want it to happen for him. D wouldn't like it and I wasn't going to make her mad at me. She doesn't exactly like Micheal, can't say I don't agree though. He's too immature and promiscuous for smart and innocent Jasmine.
I reached a compromise, I would congratulate him for coming to this conclusion but I would warn him. He hurts Jaz, I hurt him.
Um… Thanks for sharing. Keep in mind she's not a piece of meat Mike. Treat her right.
Duh! She's not my 1st , bro.
That is why I am telling you. don't hurt her dude. She's my girl's best friend, practically her sister. I will hurt you if you hurt her.
Whether he believed me or not, I meant what I said. Jasmine is like my sister in law. If she was hurt, Danielle was hurt, I would hurt somebody for that. No excuses.
Geez man… chillax. So… how was it wit D?
I smiled.
I never said it happened. Get outta my koolaid.
Yo chillax playa… I'm out ttyl.
Yeah…
Last thing I want is Micheal Pearson's input on my sex life and the sex life of the girl of my dreams. He has only ever saw girls as a fun time; he has no consideration for feelings. I'm not letting him get intrigued by Danielle, and I'm not letting him hurt Jaz.
Jasmine
After sitting through two more hours of Phys. Ed, Bio, and English, without texting anyone, lunch finally rolled around.
Usually the best part about lunch is that I get to spend it with my best girl and our men's'. Then again this doesn't help when the two of us want our "girl-time."
"Hey babe, where you wanna go for lunch today?" Micheal asked, kissing me on the forehead.
"Actually," I said kissing him. "D and I are going out alone today. We have some girl issues to talk about." I told him.
"Ah… girl time then," he said smiling. "Okey doke, that sounds good to me. That just means Tom and I can be men today," he laughed.
I smiled; I knew exactly what 'being men' meant. I was glad we were leaving.
I turned to Danielle and waited for her and Tom to break apart momentarily, so I could talk to her. "You ready to go D?" I asked her, when she got a moment.
Her eyes were glazed over in thought and frustration. I figured I would find out soon enough.
"Yeah, I'm ready," she said to me. "Bye babe, you have fun with Micheal." She said smiling and kissing him.
I turned to Micheal. "Bye hon. I'll see you when we get back," I told him, letting him kiss me.
After several minutes of silence in my car I was dying to know what was wrong with Danielle this time. It had to be something big if she was so wrapped up that her eyes glazed over. It almost looked like she'd been crying but I knew better. "Alright D, what's the deal? It's got to be more than worrying too much," I said, keeping my eyes on the road.
"What ya mean Jaz?" she asked, pretending to be interested in something outside her window.
"Your eyes, something has you so wrapped up, you can see it."
She looked at me quickly, and then looked away. "I didn't know you would notice."
I inhaled deeply, trying to figure out what I should say. "Well I did Danielle, what is going on with you today?" Truth is it really worried me seeing her like this, so helpless. I want to be there for her but I don't know how, I barely even know what's going on.
The way D's been, I expected a short answer. I expected her to avoid the question all together. Then when she spoke it's like I couldn't get her to be quiet, even if I tried. Before I knew it she was ranting and raving about her and Tom's entire two year relationship. I was only able to catch bits and pieces of it.
"God! I'm so stupid!... I'm wasting my time worrying… But what if this is it?... What happens if I lose him?... I couldn't live… I still remember the first time I laid eyes on him… the first date we had… our first time we," she covered her mouth quickly and her eyes got big.
"Um? 'Scuse me?"
She slowly took the hand covering her mouth down. "I didn't mean to say that, I couldn't seem to stop myself," she mumbled.
I gripped the steering wheel. Years ago Danielle and I made a promise to tell each other when we had sex. How could she possibly have done it and not told me? Then when I think about it I wonder how I could have missed it. I still didn't see why I didn't know about it first. "Say what exactly Danielle?"
She sighed. "Tom and I have had sex Jasmine," she said clearly, looking straight at me.
I clenched my jaw out of pure frustration. "Why? Uh… when? Danielle why am I just now hearing about this?" I asked, trying to keep my voice steady. D has never failed to keep her promises, one trait I was always jealous about. It really kind of hurt my feelings, no matter how stupid the promise was. No matter how young or how stupid we were when we made it. It felt like betrayal, like she'd abandoned me sort of. I would've told her if it were me. Or I think I would've.
"Well my guess is we did it because we love each other and a year ago was the first time." She said, clearer with every word she spoke.
"A year! Danielle, a whole year? What happened to our promise we made to each other sis? I thought you knew that. I thought it meant something to you like it did for me." I was really upset.
"Oh come one Jaz! We made that pact like six years ago! It's harder to do something with your boyfriend and the next day to go out and tell your best friend. No matter how close you are. I didn't tell you because I knew you would freak out like you are now," she said like a know-it-all. "Jasmine try to understand. I do love him. We weren't just doing it to be doing it. He's everything I want in a man Jasmine, he's not just some random guy. Ok? Understand that. I would've told you but I knew you'd act like you are now," she said truthfully.
"I get that Danielle. I really do, I can see it. But we promised each other. I would have told you, had it been me. I know it sounds stupid but it's the truth."
She looked at me with disbelief in her eyes. "Would you? Would you really Jasmine? I mean think about it, really think about it. Let's be honest here, you wouldn't dare tell me for two reasons. One you would be somewhat ashamed and two you wouldn't want me freaking out and making it completely awkward like you are now. You may not get it right now but one day you will, so don't judge me right now."
I thought about what she said, and the more I thought the more I realized she was right. I would be too ashamed to say anything to her, even if I wasn't wrong. If it ever came to it I wouldn't know how to even bring it up. "Ok…" I said loosening my grip on the steering wheel. "Ok, you're right. I wouldn't tell you," I sighed.
She smiled, it was a look of victory. "Yeah, I thought so."
Losing my appetite, I settled on the next fast food place I saw, and turned in.
I thought about everything Danielle had said; it made me feel like I was losing the best thing I have ever had. I could live with her never telling me anything ever again, but I don't think I could live with losing her over stuff like this.
I realized I needed to say some things to her. I went around to her side of the car and hugged her when she got out.
"What's up Jaz?" She asked, wrapping her arms around my back lightly.
Silent tears rolled down my cheeks. "I feel like I'm losing you D. Not just recently, and not because of this. I've felt like it forever."
"Jaz," she sighed. "I will always have time for you. No matter how many times I have sex with Tom, or how afraid I am of telling you things, I will always be your best friend. I will always be here for you babe," she said, wrapping her arms tighter around my back.
I blinked back the oncoming tears. "I love you D. Never forget that."
I meant what I said, I wasn't about to let her forget. I will always love her. No matter what bridges we have to cross, we will always cross them together.
Danielle
"You ok babe?" Tom asked me, when me and Jaz got back to school.
"Yeah babe, I'm great." I said, wrapping my arms around his waist and looking into his beautiful eyes.
We said goodbye to Jaz and Micheal, even though I knew Jaz would've preferred if we stayed. We wanted a little time to ourselves. He grabbed my hand and we went to the football field.
"So did you two girls have fun?" he asked, watching me out the corner of his eye.
"Yeah, it was just what we needed. I missed you the whole time though," I said, squeezing his hand so he would look at me. I smiled.
"Oh yeah?" he asked as he sat on the soft green grass, next to the ten yard line.
I sat next to him, looking up at the clouds. He pulled me close to him. "You're sure your ok sweetheart?" he asked, burying his face in my hair.
Wrapping my arms around his neck I smiled. "Trust me babe, if I was upset at you, you would know it." I pulled him close, kissing him.
"I sure hope so. I wouldn't want you to be upset; especially at me."
I smiled, and took his head in my hands. "Besides, what would I be mad about? You've been too sweet for me to get mad at you."
I stood up and reached my hand out for him. "Come on, show me those little football moves you got."
"Oh little football moves huh?" he asked, playfully raising his eyebrows. "I'll show you little football moves!" he laughed.
We ran around the football field, playfully throwing a stray football back and forth. Just messing around, and perfecting our "touch-down dances." We did have another hour to mess around.
Tackling me to the ground for the billionth time in the last half hour, we laughed. "I don't think I've had that much fun playing football babe," he said, kissing my cheek.
"Oh I know, you're not half bad either. I don't think I've had that much fun watching you run the plays." I laughed, pulling him close to me again. "Besides, I think the last time we played was before we even got together."
"Do you like that I play football?" he asked thoughtfully, still trying to catch his breath.
I thought about it, again staring up at the fluffy white clouds above us. "Well it's your thing. I mean I love that your happy when you do it, but where's the time anymore? I hardly see you anymore babe. I guess it's cool to say that I'm dating the football team captain but I miss you sometimes," I told him, careful not to look at his face, into his eyes.
He stroked my face with the back of his hand, touching me softly. Then he took my face in his hands and looked straight into my eyes. "I'm going to change all that babe. I promise. You're more important to me than a stupid football game, or a stupid practice. You're worth so much more of my time," he said, smiling now.
"I don't want you to give up things you love so much. Not for me."
"Babe, I would give up breathing if it meant making you happy. Football isn't worth it if it means steadily losing you. I love you babe," he said, kissing me.
"I love you too," I told him quietly.
Almost as if our moment was meant to be over the bell rang. He took my hand and helped me up. We grabbed our stuff and together we walked to my fifth period class. I kissed him goodbye and watched him run to catch up with his buddies down the hall.
_____________
Finally after two hours of chemistry and algebra II, school was over.
One difference between Tom and me, is he actually likes stay after school. I hate being in school any longer than I have to, which is why he got into football, and I never played a sport or joined an after school club.
Have you talked about getting married yet?
I checked the number and rolled my eyes. Jaz was like clockwork. I unlocked my car and texted her back.
We have once or twice. But every high school couple does. It's not like we had sex, so we have to get married now.
O I know. Just asking. You know me… always one question after the other.
I smiled. She was right about that. It seems like when Jaz gets really curious nothing is going to shut her up. Not until she get the answers she wants.
Well you got me there…
Mhm, well. If he asked you would you say yes?
I sighed to myself. I'd never really thought about it. I always just assumed we would never make it to that point. Now that graduation is closer I'm not so sure we won't. I could see it in our future now.
Honestly?
No D! that was an open invite to lie to me… yes honestly!
Chillax! How could I say no Jaz? I love him. I couldn't imagine being with someone else. Of course I would say yes.
I figured… that's cool though. I envy you sometimes.
I thought about that. What do I have for Jaz to envy? She's had everything I never did.
Her mom is the best real estate agent in this county and the next four. They live in a huge house and Jaz has had so many things I only dream about. There is nothing to envy.
Wat could you possibly have to envy Jaz? You have always had everything I didn't.
D… what I hav had are material possessions. I don't have true love. Not like you. That is above all else.
Jasmine was right. Much as I have always thought of us being on the same level. Sometimes we excel better than the other. Her and her possessions, and me and… Tom.
I suppose I always knew Jaz wanted something like I had. Then I wanted what she has too. But I still feel like there is no reason to envy what each other has. I am more than willing to share with her what I can and I know she is more than willing as well.
Besides, love will come for Jasmine.
But you have Micheal right?
I don't love him. I don't know what I feel about him. I know it's not what you and Tom have and it will never be. I feel like I'm just with him for the sake of being with him. It's just….what it is and that's all it will ever be. Whatever that is. You know?
I must've spent forever and a day reading that message over and over to pull some sort of meaning, but nothing came. It seemed like she was just babbling.
Um… I think… Well ok… no. I have no idea what you're talking about here.
Just… idk. I do NOT love Micheal, D. I never will. It's just… a fling.
Why do you think that Jazzy?
I know what he is after… and I'm not down for it. It's ok now to hang out and kiss and just be together. Then when it comes to taking another step I'm not down.
I knew Jasmine was right. She's always been talk. No do. She's ok for talking about sex but when it ever came down to doing it she wanted no part of it.
I speak from experience.
Jasmine had been dating a guy for three years before he decided he wanted to try it. He was a good guy to. He treated her with a lot of respect. But she freaked out and broke up with him. This was just last year.
Then again, there's no point in even trying if you don't, and never can, love the guy.
I couldn't find the words to tell Jaz that I really did understand what she was saying. I could tell her that I used to feel like that about Tom. I felt like there was no future. Just the right now. Then again she probably wouldn't understand that. She and I are so different. I couldn't find a way for her to understand.
I kwno where your coming from Jaz. I really do. Idk how to explain that to you, but I do.
After that Jasmine and I had a heart to heart talk about love and our futures, and we confessed things we'd never told each other. I multi-tasked. I talked to her and did my homework. Then anxiously got ready for my date.
You know I always wondered why you broke up with what's his name last year.
… That's a long story D.
Hello! I got time…
Well I told you the whole he wanted to have sex thing.
Yeah… but Jaz you and I both know that's not really a reason to break it off with a bf of 3 years.
We just fought about it all da time. He called me a tease and I called him a pig. Turns out he didn't need it from me. He was getting it from someone else anyways.
Why didn't you tell me that Jaz?
Well… seems kinda pathetic don't it?
Jasmine and I continued to tell each other things that we'd never known and that we thought the other wouldn't understand. Truth is we both did understand. Somewhere along the way we became more than best friends. We became sisters.
Jasmine
Lucky me, I get half the night to myself. Mom is out with her boyfriend, Kyle, and Micheal won't be here until later.
So when I got home from school I went and put on some sweat, pulled my hair back, and laid down to text D.
That was at three o'clock. Its 7:15 now and I'm painting my toenails, waiting for my facial mask to dry. I was still talking to D about everything we'd never told each other.
Since it's been so long since I've had a night to myself. I decided to take it easy and relax. I even decided that I wasn't going to change when Micheal showed up. He could see me like this, it didn't matter to me, at least not today, and not now.
My heart was all better from him surprising me in the hallway today with that kiss. Unfortunately when I was born, I was born with a heart defect. Apparently it beats twice as fast. I have to take medication every day, once a day, to keep it at a regular pace. Then I'm supposed to take a fast acting pill if I get in a situation where it gets to fast again. Such as the one in the hallway today. Otherwise I risk the chance of a heart attack. I practically came out having a heart attack when they realized my heart had a problem. I just have to be really careful now.
I was having fun being to myself and in a quiet environment, when mom's boyfriend walked in.
"Hey Jaz," he said.
I watched his eyes wander to several different places on my body that were of none of his concern.
"Eyes are up here!" I said, irritated, and motioning to my eyes.
"Right," he said. "So what do you have planned for tonight?" He asked.
I smiled. I loved letting him down. "Nothing really, Micheal's coming over soon. We'll just be hanging out in here."
"Aww, that sounds like fun. I was thinking we could hang out as a family tonight," he said.
Family!? What I wanted to say was, 'not in this lifetime slime ball. You aren't my father, and you will never be.' Instead what I said was "That's too bad. Maybe some other time."
There was no way in hell I would be spending time with that perv! The thing I hate about him most is that he can't seem to tell the difference between mother and daughter. He doesn't seem to be able to know which is which. In other words: he flirts with both of us.
I can deal with the fact that he dates my mother for her money, or the fact that she even dates that freak at all. However, I would not be able to deal if my mom actually married him. Lucky me, mom's smarter than that.
You see, my father left when I was born. He told mom he wasn't ready for a kid and just up and left. On the surface it looks like I'm a strong person who really doesn't even need a father. Then underneath it all, my heart is tearing me apart. I really do need him. I just need to ask him why.
More than once I've attempted to talk to mom about it but she just pretends she didn't hear me. I learned real fast that it's something she doesn't want to acknowledge let alone talk about.
I guess the honest reason I have yet to find my dad, is that I hate rejection. Although I want to know why he left. But, like I said, I'm smart. I know a lot better than to set myself up for hurt. It's not worth shedding more tears than I already have.
Before I knew it I was crying. Not a short, silent cry. I mean like tears pouring, non-stop, super upset, messing up my facial, bawling. And what's even worse, is I don't know why I'm bawling.
I have to admit. No day goes by that I don't wish I could meet him or talk to him. That I would know why he left, what his justifications were for it. I just don't understand. I honestly think I would reach nirvana if I knew. I could probably die happy at the instance.
So I started writing. Writing was always my doorway. My doorway from 'stupid hurt' to 'happy land.' Being in the place I was right now, I figured writing was a good idea right about now.
I once read that writing a letter to someone, but not sending it, would help aid in the venting process. It's supposed to help you get over anger or sadness or whatever you may have towards a person.
So I took out my green apple laptop and just started typing. Not knowing where it was going. Or to whom it was going. Just knowing that it was what I needed.
Dear Dad,
For many years I assumed that I didn't have a father. That I just 'appeared.' But the funny part about growing up is you start to realize that that's not possible. You begin to realize that those silly little thoughts we have as kids are just that, stupid and silly.
When I finally began to catch on to this I started to ask my mom about whom he was and if he died.
Sometimes I wish she would've just lied to me and told me you died in war, or something noble and honorable. But you didn't. You just left. And honestly I hate you for that. I don't want to. But here I am, 17, and about to graduate. And I have NEVER known you. Not a letter, or a word, or a birthday card, or child support. Nothing. There is nothing I hate more at this point. Honestly.
I graduate soon. I have a best friend who loves me and mom. I got accepted to Harvard law school. Highest I could've aimed for. I'm brilliant dad. I really am.
I don't know what was going through your head when you packed up and left my mom, all of a sudden. But I turned out ok. I try my hardest not to be a bad person. What's even better is all the right people love me. Like you could never do.
Have I told you I hate you yet?
No… I did not write you a letter just to tell you I hate you. I wrote it because I knew something in your heart would say something. Maybe not. You do have a history of hurting people. I want to hurt you as much as you hurt me every day, but I'm not that kind of person.
So here it is dad. I forgive you. You may not be sorry. But if you are or if you one day will be. I forgive you. I will never understand why or how. None of that matters. I can't hate you forever. I'm almost an adult now I can't dwell on the past forever. If you ever taught me anything from being the non-existent person you are. It's that. It would only make it easier on you if I hated you. So I'm going to make it hard. I'm even going to challenge myself. I forgive you, I love you, I think about you every day. This doesn't mean I want to see you. But it means I'm done fighting it. You're everything I never want to be or to be around or to marry.
Thank you for teaching me that. Thank you for leaving me with that lasting impression dad. It's the only thing I care to believe you meant to me. Was to teach me that significant lesson.
Thank you dad. I forgive you.
Jasmine
After I wrote it I just sat back and thought to myself.
I had to do more than just write it. I had to send it. I can't constantly be afraid he'll reject me. He already has. I can't get anymore rejected than I am right now. I saved the letter and turned my laptop off.
Feeling the need to throw something, I picked up my water bottle and chucked it at the wall. Just as Michael was walking in.
"Hey," he said watching the flying water bottle hit the wall at full force. "You mad at me or something?" he said laughing.
"No of course not. I just had an urge, sorry. I didn't hit you did I?"
Sitting down next to me, he laughed. "Naw, you didn't get me. But don't worry about me. I'm tough," he said, smacking his chest. He leaned over and kissed my forehead. "You ok babe? That thing had some serious force on it."
I thought about that not wanting to ruin his good mood. "Yeah. It did, didn't it? Just got upset about something."
He moved closer to the center of the bed and pulled me towards him. As much as I resisted I ended up with my head on his lap and looking up at him.
"I got time. Tell me about it," he said.
I shook my head. "It's just my dad. No big," I said, turning my head away from him. I wanted to talk about it but I didn't want to seem like a drama queen.
"I see," he sighed.
I sat up and looked at him. "Yeah, but I don't want to talk about that right now. How was the game?"
He smiled. "It was k. We won, just like I figured we would. I wish you could've been there though. I scored some serious point."
It was my turn to smile. I knew how full of crap Micheal was. I was friends with several cheerleaders. Micheal likes to play it off as if he is some big superstar. He's not. But I play along anyway.
Sometimes I feel like it's a play with scripts and everything. Except he doesn't know my parts.
"That's good," I told him. "I'm sorry. I wanted to be there, but I couldn't pass up a little alone time," I said laying back down, this time not in his lap.
"You want me to leave?" he asked, eyebrows rose.
I wanted to say yes but I didn't want to 'bruise his ego.' "No! Stay babe. I'm ok now," I said smiling at him.
"Ok…" he said his voice trailing. "So what's with the mask?" he asked sticking his fingers in my facial.
I sat up. "Oh crap! I forgot I had it on. Hold on I'll be right back," I said running to my bathroom to wash it off.
When I was done I sat on the toilet with my head between my knees, and I told myself to chill out and calm down. I need to get my head and thoughts away from my dad and focus on 'quality time' or whatever. Just so I can focus on being occupied tonight. Much as I'd rather it weren't with Micheal.
Luckily the mask wasn't on to long., and my face came out feeling velvety smooth. I dried my face and went back to my room. When I got in there Micheal was laying back on the bed, playing with the tail of his shirt.
He looked up, a question in his eyes. I stopped.
"What?" I asked, laughing.
"I want to ask you something," he said sitting up. "But I'm not really sure how."
I went and sat cross legged next to him.
"We've been together now for six months," he started. "It just seems like it's about 'that' time," he said with air quotes.
"What time?" he asked. I really knew the answer but I wanted to avoid it.
He looked at me and smiled. "I think I should just show you," he said, pushing me back and rolling on top of me and kissing me like he did before.
If anything Micheal is a good kisser. He always knows just how to kiss me.
It was when I felt his weight on top of me that I finally came to my senses. But, I think even my senses were clouded a little. I started thinking about D and Tom in the same situation. (No mental images included, thank god!) And how I told her that she was right. I wouldn't be able to tell her if I did it too.
Deep down I started to feel left out and I felt like this was something that I had to do to understand. It felt so wrong but it was my turn.
Danielle
I was getting anxious and nervous, putting on my favorite purple passion eye shadow. When my mom hollered at me. "Danny, you little boyfriend is here!" she yelled.
I realized Jasmine had just randomly stopped texting me. So I didn't have to tell her 'bye' this time. She always thought she had to leave, even when I tell her she doesn't.
My mom likes to call him my 'little boyfriend.' Ever since I even started showing interest in guys, mom hated any guy I brought home. She never did like the thought of me dating. Especially dating Tom, since I've been with him. In her eyes that's a whole lifetime. If only she knew.
"Ok mom. I'll be out in a minute," I yelled. Finishing my make-up. I quickly did my hair then put on his favorite perfume, and changed.
I put on a real nice, and new, short, but respectful yellow dress. And pinned my bangs back just so. I grabbed a small black handbag with my favorite little diamonds lining the clasps. With small 1 ½ inch heels.
As I was walking out to meet him, I heard him talking to my mom as politely as possible. "Yeah, we're just going to out to eat and catch a movie," he said, filling her into our plans for the night.
This is actually what mom hates most about him. She always made a valid effort to be a jerk to him. Yet, he is always sweet and respectful back. It annoys her to no end. It makes me happy though.
I cleared my throat. He turned to smile at me from his spot on the couch. His eyes got wide as he saw my outfit and he winked at me. I smiled back.
Just then my 5-year-old brother, Jamaal, ran in.
"Tom!" He yelled, jumping into Tom's lap.
"Oh-ho little buddy." He said, laughing. "What's up little man?"
"Nothing. Can you read me a story?"
Tom turned to me again, asking me if it was ok. With no words.
I nodded.
"Yeah buddy. A quick one ok?" he said.
Tommy has always had such a passion for kids. He's not like most high school guys. Most high school guys are only thinking about the next place they're going to have sex, where're there going to get money, and how they're going to pass their classes. Tom is, and always has been different.
He is one of those guys who think about the family he wants; this is also something you hardly ever find in a football team captain.
I listened at Jamaal's doorway as Tom read him Cat in the Hat. I smiled when Jamaal expressed surprise, throughout the duration of the story. Even though he's heard it hundreds of times. Then I waited while Tom went and tucked Jamaal into bed and sung him to sleep.
It made me sad that Jamaal never had a dad to do this stuff for him. For a long time it's been me, my mom, and Jamaal. Or as far as Jamaal remembers it has. When I was twelve going on thirteen I remember my mom telling me that daddy was going to go away for a while. I didn't realize that 'a while' meant several years. My dad was accused of a crime that put him away for years.
He was supposed to have hit and killed someone, then drove away and never told anyone. I don't really know if my dad did it, but something within me tells me he didn't.
My father was always a peaceful, quiet, laid-back man. It didn't seem like him. Besides, my mom was still madly in love with him. She knew better than me and I trusted that she knew right. Even still it wasn't my place to decide if my father had done it. Fact of the matter was that I still loved him, and I often still needed him. I sometimes need that father's wisdom. And Jamaal, he's a growing boy. He needs a father even more than I do. Someone to teach him the lessons of life, and being a man, and the fundamentals of throwing a football. It was my brother I feared for more than my own self. He deserved a father. I prayed he'd get one.
"You ready to go?" He whispered to me as he got to the doorway. I smiled. He looked over my shoulder for my mom and nodded, confirming to himself that she wasn't anywhere near. He put his arm on my back and pulled me close. Kissing my forehead he whispered again, "I love you." Then he pulled away from me and looked into my eyes. I smiled again and he continued into the living room.
Every time he comes over I just want him to hold me and never let go. He has this thing about pda in front of the parents. He's more respectful. Whereas I don't really care about conservation, my mom would get over it. Either way I was with him tonight and we wouldn't be around my mom forever.
I sneaked one last peak and Jamaal, now soundly asleep, then turned to follow Tom. "Yeah, I'm ready," I said answering his last question. I picked up my jacket and purse and turned to my mom, "I'm going to be home a little later Mom. Don't wait up for me."
"Never do," she said, turning back to the TV show she was watching.
Once we were outside he put his arms around me and pulled me close. Then he put his soft hands under my chin, and pulled my face towards his. "You look beautiful tonight babe," he whispered, closing his eyes. I could hear him silently taking in my perfume. "You smell beautiful to," he said, smiling and opening his eyes to look sweetly at me.
I could feel him looking into the deepest part of my eyes. As if he was trying to read my inner thoughts. I closed my eyes and felt him trace my face with his fingers. Like he was trying to memorize ever crevice in my face.
When I finally opened my eyes, he leaned down to touch his lips to mine. I could feel him tracing my lips and teeth with his tongue, again trying to remember. After several minutes, which seemed like a lifetime, he pulled away.
"We better go; I made reservations. We don't want to be late," he said, helping me into the jeep.
When he got in and started the car I took his hand in mine. I was ready for whatever was next. No matter how strong my nerves were. Whatever was next I was ready for, because I knew Tom would be there with me. The whole time.
Jasmine
After a while of kissing Micheal, I had to breathe. I took my mouth off his and gasped for air. He started smiling and moving towards down my neck with his lips. "You know. I've wanted to ask you for this for the longest time," he muttered.
I breathed hard, realizing what he was saying to me. "Micheal. Do you love me?" I asked, debating whether or not this was the right decision.
"Uh," he paused. "Sure I do Jaz. Whatever you say," he said, now pulling off his belt.
My heart stopped. He made me realize that this was not right and this whole event will never be with the likes of him. "Micheal, this is wrong. I am not doing this with you," I said pushing him off of me.
"What? Since when?" he asked, exasperated.
"You're not the right guy for this, At least not for me." I whispered. Louder now, "you're not right and like I said I'm not doing this," I said, sitting up.
He laughed. It was one of those creepy laughs that made your whole body shiver.
"Micheal, you'll screw anything with legs. I'm not going to waste my time being another girl on your list," I said, mind made up, and trying to stay confident in that fact.
"Jaz. I wasn't asking," he said. He laughed again. "I gave you the choice you passed it up. Now I'm telling." He reached for his bag and pulled out his athletic tape.
He straddled me and put his tape around my arms so I couldn't hit him anymore. I hopelessly screamed as loud as I could, hoping somebody would hear me, but soon my whole body was paralyzed with fear and soon after that, my voice. I was rendered utterly helpless. All I could do was cry, and cry, and cry.
My heart was slowly picking up speed and my body hurt from the ache being spread from it. I couldn't believe I trusted him enough to not pull a stunt like this. But, what could I do? He was stronger and currently had the advantage. I couldn't fight. I was alone.
My eyes flooded with tears quickly now. I knew I had no choice.
I was losing my virginity. Just not in the way I had pictured. Not in the way any girl pictured. It hurt so much as I realized bit by bit that this really was happening. I wasn't dreaming. He really was tearing me apart from the inside out.
That hurt.
Danielle
He took me to what looked like the most expensive, fancy, French restaurant he could find. When we pulled up I just grinned. He remembered what my favorite kind of food was. It was like he wanted it to be something I remembered for a long time. The name of the restaurant was Quartè, which apparently means four in French. He let me order whatever I wanted. He even got a cheap imitation of champagne, really it was just sparkling cider, but it's the thought that mattered.
"So what do you think babe?" he asked as he finished his first glass of cider.
I thought about it. I wasn't really sure what the answer to all this was. I wasn't quite sure how to put what I thought into words. In all truth I was kinda scared. Then again I was happy and surprised and thoughtful. "I'm thinking a lot of things right now," I said, trying to sound all mature, and look sexy at the same time.
He leaned towards me, a small smile playing on his lips. We always loved these little games. "Care to share D?" he asked.
I set my glass down and folded my hands in my lap. "I love you. I know that for sure." I saw him opening his mouth to interrupt. I held up my hand, "Wait there's more. I think you are both the greatest thing in my life, and the scariest. There is so much I love about you. You do so much and you are so much to me. But you surprise me all the time with things that make me worry. It scares me that I fell so hard for you, because I worry that somewhere along the way it's over. Then I just love spending those little moments with you."
He raised his eyebrows. Then he sighed and sat back in his chair.
"Don't you want it to be more?" he asked.
I was lost. "What you mean?"
Again he leaned forward. He took my hand off the table and held it in his. "You do want me longer don't you?" he asked.
"Babe, if I could ask for it I would. I would love to be with you forever."
"And why can't you ask for it?" he asked, curiosity in his voice. I really had him stumped.
I had finally figured out what we were here for. I was just giving him the lead-way to do it.
"I thought it was your job," I said leaning back in my chair and crossing my legs. I had won. I'd left things open for him to jump in.
He leaned back to. I could almost see the thoughts going through his head. Him trying to figure out what it was I had done. I'm always the one to snoop and be the first to jump the gun. That's what I did here. Even though I know I shouldn't have. I can't break the habit.
"That's what you think huh?" he asked. With a brief pause, he continued, "How'd you know D?"
I pretended not to know. "Know what hon?"
"Why do you do this Danielle? You know what you do!" he said, anger in his voice. He began to get up. "Everything was worked out. Then you figure it out and ruin the night I had it planned. You always gotta do things your way. For once why couldn't you let me do it my way?" he left and paid for dinner.
I sat there, stunned. I didn't realize what I had done. It hurt me to realize that what I did hurt him.
He came back and got his coat. "I'll be at the car," he said leaving.
I put my head in my hands. I decided to give him a minute to calm down, and gave myself a minute to think things out. Think about how I could turn things around.
Finally I put my jacket on and went outside.
I could see him leaning against the passenger side of the jeep. I ran to him and stopped right in front of him. I set down my purse and my coat and just stood there.
He reached out to me. "Come here," he said.
He wrapped his arms around me and I put my face in his shirt. "I'm sorry," I muttered.
He sighed. "No I should be sorry. I was an ass and I apologize baby."
I could feel tears falling down my face. I felt bad and I wasn't sure how to undo what I did.
"Hey. Sh-h," he whispered. It's not your fault. It was mine. Ok?"
I looked up at him and nodded.
"You are the greatest thing in my life too," he smiled and kissed my forehead.
We stood there for a minute before he opened my door and helped me into the jeep. As he came around I felt my phone vibrate.
"Hello?"
"Danielle?"
I could hear Jasmine sobbing.
"Jaz? What's wrong hon?"
Then it was like all hell broke loose. She broke down and bawled. I was beginning to get scared for her, something was seriously wrong.
"He raped me D! I don't know what to do. He's gone now. I need you!"
My heart stopped. I looked at Tom and whispered for him to go to Jasmine's house. I decided that I had to stay calm for her. If I didn't her heart rate would get outrageously fast.
"Honey I'm coming. Alright stay on the phone with me. Where is your mom and Kyle?"
"They went out forever ago."
It hurt me to know that she had no way to fight this. She was alone. I again whispered at Tom, telling him to call the police. I could see even he was getting angry. I hadn't had the chance to tell him what had happened, but he knew it was bad.
"Ok I and Tommy will be there very soon. We called the police. Now listen to me. Change out of those clothes but do not take a shower. Just put them in a bag. You can take a shower a little later. I also want you to take your medicine cuz I know your heart is racing right now…Now where is Micheal?"
"Um… he left a little bit ago. I don't really know. I called you as soon as I could. As soon as I knew he was done and really gone. Please hurry. I need you Danielle."
"I'm coming."
My heart broke. She said it like it was a chore. Like it was something she was used to. When in reality I knew she was dying. Her heart may be actually breaking if she didn't calm down. Her obvious pain hurt me to.
Tom didn't even have the chance to stop the car before I jumped out and ran into the house.
I snapped my phone shut and ran. The second I saw her I practically jumped and wrapped my arms tight around her, I could feel her collapse in my arms.
Tom waited outside for the cops while I got everything ready for them. I took her clothes out to them and made sure she took her medicine. I laid her down and sat by her side so she could calm her heart down a little bit. I stroked her sweaty hair. She had a fever, but I figured that was a combination of the heart speed and the fear that still coursed through her nerve endings.
We decided to have me call her mom, so I did.
"Hey Michelle, You need to come home now."
I tried to say it without attitude, it really wasn't her fault. She had no idea. But I knew it came out kind of bitter anyways.
"Danielle? You always did have a mouth on you. What's going on?"
"Well the cops are here. Jasmine um… had some problems with Micheal and you need to go ahead and come home now. In all seriousness."
"What happened?"
I knew that was coming. I wish she would just trust me and come home. However, she had to know and I had to be the one to tell her. I took a deep breath.
"She got raped tonight Michelle. It's time to come home."
I heard her breathing stop and she told me she was on the way.
Tom came into the room and looked straight at Jasmine. "They're gone now Jaz. They took your clothes and said they'd find Micheal for you."
She looked at the ground. "Thank you Tom," she mumbled at him. "I just don't understand! How could I be so stupid?!" she began to cry again and I pulled her into my arms.
Tom stood there awkwardly, unsure of what to do. I looked at his fists and saw them clenched. "You mad?" I mouthed to him.
He nodded.
"Hit him for me." I told him. Then he left. He was off to "release his anger". Translation: Micheal was going to get his.
I held Jasmine while she cried, until her mom got there. I told Michelle to stay in the living room and that I would come talk to her in a minute. I watched Jasmine take her nightly medication and put her in the bed. I'd already changed the sheets so she wouldn't have to worry about the other ones being dirty, and I covered her up. Tucking her in tightly I whispered to her, so as not to upset her too much. "I'll be right back Jaz. I'm going to go talk to your mom so you can dodge confrontation for now. Then I'm going to pack a bag real quick. I'll stay with you as long as you need me," I smiled a small smile at her.
"Thank you D," she whispered hoarsely.
I stopped at her door. "I love you Jasmine. Get some sleep hon," I said, shutting the lights off.
Tom
I could barely contain the anger I felt as I was driving. I specifically told Micheal not to hurt her. He was going to pay. I didn't really know how or when but I was going to hurt him.
Then, just as the thoughts entered my mind he texted me with as much stupidity as ever. The nerve!
Hey T-dog! Sup?
I started to text him back. Saying words I probably shouldn't have used, then right before I hit send I thought about it.
"Maybe I should be nice to him. Like play along, find out where he is, then when I find out, me and him will have a 'talk'," I told myself. I was not about to let him get away with this. I pulled over to text him back. I was too upset to drive and talk to the pig.
Hey M-dog. Not too much. Just dropped D off. Heading home how about you?
Just left Jaz's place. We got in a fight.
Yeah, I bet you did you ass. I gripped the steering wheel. I was going to enjoy hurting him.
O yea? Wanna hang & tell me about it?
Yea sure. I'll meet you at the park. Been kickin it here anyways.
C ya there.
I whipped the wheel around. I could feel my heart racing. I was willing to accept the fact I would probably get in trouble for beating up Micheal. Fortunately I didn't care. He hurt Jaz, and that hurt D, it hurt me too. He'd crossed to many lines in one act. One terrible, hurtful, stupid act.
When I pulled up to the park I could see him sitting on a swing, just casually leaning up against the chains. My anger was rising.
"Hey T. Sup?" he asked. Unaware of the fact that I knew what he had done tonight.
"Hi," I replied harshly. I tried to soften my tone the next time I spoke, "so you guys got in a fight huh?" I asked, pretending to care about the lies I knew were coming.
He laughed. "Yeah we did."
I clenched my fists. "What about?" I asked, trying to keep my cool.
He shrugged. "I don't know. Something lame I suppose. I dumped her. I don't need that you know?"
I stepped towards him. I was barely able to suppress my anger for a second longer. "Need what exactly Micheal?" I asked, this time allowing the harshness to be in my voice.
He stood up. "Whoa dude. You mad or something?" he asked. He was still completely oblivious and stupid.
This time I laughed. I unclenched my fists and stuck my hands in my pockets and relaxed. The calm before the storm. "Naw dude. What would I be mad about? You didn't do anything right?"
He grinned. "Right dude. The chic wigged out about something dumb. I mean I know she's D's friend and all but she's lame. Forget her."
I ignored his words, it really was irrelevant what he said. Point was I knew the truth. He'd find that out soon enough.
"It's not like you went there to have sex right?" I asked, completely casual. I watched him open his mouth slightly then snap it shut. I continued, "I mean you purely went there to be with her. You didn't go there, ask to have sex, she said no, then held her down, got what you wanted, and left, right? Cuz you wouldn't do that Micheal. Because, if ya did. I would kill you. Remember?"
I watched as his face went stark white. "Right dude. I wouldn't," he mumbled feebly.
I smiled again. I had him. I knew Micheal may act tough but he was scared to death of me. I was just about to make him even more afraid.
"You see here's the thing though dude. You did do that. Not only will the cops be talking to you, but me and you are about to have a talk ourselves,"
He started backing up, and denying it. "Tom, chill dude. She's lying. I didn't do that. We just had a fight that's all," he said, stumbling over his own feet as he backed up.
"Thing is Michael. We have proof. Now did I or did I not tell you not to hurt her?"
"You did," he gulped.
"Did I or did I not tell you that I would hurt you if you did?" I asked, getting closer and closer to him.
"You did."
"So guess what?"
He turned and tried running. I ran after him and tackled him to the ground.
"Why would you do that Michael? I'm captain of the football team," I told him, as I turned him over. I laughed at him. I really was going to enjoy this.
I sat on his legs so he couldn't squirm away.
"Look Tom. She was asking for it. She was teasing me and acting like it was ok. Then last minute changes her mind. What was I supposed to do? Turn it off?"
I kind of froze. That was his plea? His big, this-is-why-it-was-ok spiel? It only made me want to hurt him even more.
"Seriously Micheal? There is never a good reason to rape a woman. I'm going to make you remember that. Oh and you won't tell anyone I did it either. Not unless you want a beating everyday for the rest of your life."
I didn't wait for him to answer. Micheal got the lesson of his life that night.
I told him I would hurt him if he hurt Jasmine and I meant it. Nobody hurts people Danielle loves.
Micheal wouldn't be hurting anybody ever again. I made sure of that. No more lies. No more taking it back. What was done was done and he won't ever do it again. That is the lesson he learned. One he will never forget as long as I'm around.
He will never hurt Jasmine again.
Jasmine
After a few days I made D leave the house. She insisted on staying with me, but I knew she missed Tom. Besides I didn't want her to worry about me forever. "D leave! I'll be ok on my own for a few hours. Go have fun and tell me all about it later," I told her. "Well maybe not all about it," I laughed trying to ease the tension.
Things around the house had been tense for the past few days anyways. Danielle had been staying with me for a week. The morning after when I woke up I sat down and talked to mom about what happened. She needed to know, and it was her who took me to the hospital to get a rape kit done.
I didn't have to worry about seeing Micheal at school when I finally decided to go back. D and Tom tried acting like they had no idea where he went or what happened to him. But I knew they did. They had to of known, I vaguely remember D telling Tom to punch "him" for her. Who else could him be?
She laughed. "You sure?" she asked skeptically. "I can stay Jaz. It's really no problem. I see Tom at school anyways."
"D get your tail outta here! 'Sides. I'm getting tired of seeing your face anyways," I laughed hoping she would catch my joke. "Come back in a few hours and I'll practically miss you!"
"Ok," she said laughing. "If you need me I'm a phone call away. Don't hesitate. Ok?" she told me. She was reluctant to leave. I haven't exactly given her a good reason to think I'm ok yet.
"I know. I know! Now beat it!" I said, trying to fight the urge to beg her to stay. But I knew I had to do it on my own eventually. Besides it was only going to be for a few hours. I can't be selfish forever.
She sensed my urge and came over and embraced me in the same kind of loving, sisterly, hugs she'd been doing all week. "I'll be back before you know it," she said, then left.
I was left thinking about everything that happened. I suppose this is really why I was afraid of being alone. I didn't want to think about what it was that had happened. When I finally went back to school every one knew. It only made matters worse. They did try to help me out as much as possible. I even made friends with people I didn't think knew existed. Or so they tried. I refused to talk to anyone but D and occasionally Tom.
I really was just upset that this is how my first time was. Or rather that it had happened by someone I trusted enough to never do it. I knew I wasn't ready and that's why I had told Micheal no. Instead of him understanding, he decided he was going to get it either way; Not exactly how a girl pictures losing her virginity. Actually not at all how any girl does.
My body was physically and mentally tired of avoiding the fact that it happened though. Fact of the matter is it did and there was no getting around that. Regardless, it hurt. Why subject myself to a hurtful thought? Almost like inflicting pain on yourself. It was like cutting yourself. Only not really.
When mom took me to the doctor we found out I was ok. It was too early to find out if I was pregnant but I'm sure I'm not. However, I was STD free. Although it still isn't a reason to through a party. The only thing really hurt was my ego and my heart. Neither, I could really help. But, my family and friends had been a great help. It's not exactly something I could let go over night. It's going to take a while.
Ever since the "incident" I'd been thinking about what a father would do if he would've been there. Kyle wasn't exactly a great illustration. He only worried about condoling my mother. (Gee thanks!) I'm glad he was so worried about me.
In the mist of all this thinking I decided that I wanted to talk to my father. Or rather I wanted to send him my letter. Since D was gone and my mom was leaving I decided now was better than never. But, I had to talk to mom real quick. Just to make sure I had all my facts straight.
"Hey mom? Can I ask you a quick question?" I asked, as I walked into her room.
"Yeah shoot honey. But make it quick, ok? I have to meet Kyle in an hour."
"Yeah ok…" I mumbled "Well I want to know about my dad," I told her. "There's no point in pretending that I don't want to know mom. You're always so quick to bag on him but you have never actually sat down and told me about him. Good stuff included." There really wasn't any point in telling her the truth. I wanted to know. Now I wasn't going to tell her why I really needed to know. That was just privileged information really.
I watched as my mom's face turn white, despite all the pink make-up she was applying so heavily. "That's not a question Jaz," she mumbled, trying to keep it together.
"Mom," I moaned.
"Why?" she asked apprehensively. She turned to face me with worry on her face. I couldn't really understand what there was to worry about though. I'm a growing curious girl. At least that's what I told her.
"Just curious I suppose. Just tell me some things about him mom. Please," I begged.
"Jasmine," she sighed. "I don't think it's a good idea. With everything that's been going on. Why don't we wait to have this conversation when it's all cooled down."
"Mom. I'm eighteen years old now. It's not like just because I got raped I don't' want to know this. That life itself stops," I watched her flinch when I said 'raped' then continued. "I have to keep going on. I can't wait for both mine and your life to calm down and be 'ok' enough to finally have this talk. Besides I'm sure you'd rather we did it now, than when I'm graduated and have time to actually do something about it," I said, threatening her with actually going to see him bit. I knew I would be able to make her talk after a little 'persuading.'
"Jaz," she said, closing her eyes and pinching the bridge of her nose. She sighed, "What do you want to know?"
I situated myself on her bed. "I want to know anything and everything."
"Well he was a tall handsome man when I first met him…"
I listened as mom told me everything I had never knew. His name, his age, when they met, how great it was, and so much more than I had ever imagined. It was the first bonding conversation my mother and I have had in eight years. On the inside my heart raced because when it hit me, I realized that I was finally getting to know the man I both loathed and loved at the same time. That hit the inner core of my being. In a great way. It'd been so long since I had some hope on the horizon. Or it seemed like a long time. Funny how fast time feels when you stop paying attention to everything. When you close yourself in a small bubble that very few people can get in to, time itself becomes irrelevant to you.
After my charades from the day, I decided to go home and lay down. I think I have had all the fun for the rest of the week. My heart could hardly take it. But, it hardly takes anything to get my heart going anymore. It'd be a while until I was back to my "old" self again.
When I got home I took another anti-anxiety pill and laid down in my bed.
When mom left I quickly got ready to be out in the world and transferred my letter to a jump drive. I decided to go to the library and carry out the rest of my shenanigans. I got there and looked up my father's name, Tony Kensington, and printed off the list of all possible addresses and phone numbers. I edited my letter a little bit, added in a p.s. for those guys who didn't turn to be out my father. ( I didn't want to be yelling at a whole bunch of people who don't even have any idea who I am.) Then I printed off enough copies for all the different Tony Kensington's.
I'm pretty sure the little 13 year old dungeons and dragons fan behind me was the little punk who was tapping his foot the whole time. I could've slapped him.
I individually addressed, stamped, and prayed over each letter just hoping he would get one of them. Then I drove by the post office and dropped them off in the box.
I was more than exhausted from the day's work and I was out before I knew it. Who knew even just getting excited about finding your dad could exhaust your body so much and so fast?
I sure didn't.