Warning: mentions of self harm.
Regina knew something was wrong the second she shut the door behind her.
"Emma, I'm home!" she called out with a smile, only to be met with silence. With a frown, she looked at the shoe rack, her suspicions unconfirmed: Emma's boots were still there. She hadn't gone out.
Her voice was less cheery, "Emma?" Then Regina heard it, a quiet sob from upstairs, muffled but undeniable. Without a thought, she shucked off her coat and ran up the stairway, her hands trembling as she gripped the banister. What had happened? She gulped, reaching the top within seconds. Last time. Oh god, not again. Please not again.
She ran to the bathroom, the door slightly ajar, but Emma wasn't in there. The horrible flashbacks that had been beginning to consume her mind ceased, replaced with breathless relief. Regina turned and went to their bedroom instead, stopping in the doorway to see her girlfriend sitting on their bed, back to her. Her shoulders were shaking, and Regina cautiously approached her, sitting beside Emma but not touching her.
The blonde was heaving uncontrollably, but when Regina sat down, she clamped her lips together, trying hard not to make a sound. They sat like that in silence for a while until Emma's breathing began to calm down and she finally said something.
"Am I selfish?" It seemed to bring everything else to a halt, and Regina felt the whole world ebb away at Emma's words.
"Of course not." she said carefully, slowly, calmly. Despite how defensive she felt, Regina wouldn't pour all her anger out on Emma. But the very thought of the one she loved with all her heart thinking badly about herself was enough for Regina's blood to run cold. "Why?"
Emma lowered her head, her hair hiding her face. "I've been thinking about what people have said to me. About how I don't care about anyone else's happiness but my own. And I- I know, that they're right… -"
"Who said that?" A part of Regina already knew and she seethed internally.
"Hook." Emma said after a while. "He was angry, after the whole thing, and rightfully so. I know it was a long time ago, but I still think about it everyday and it's true. I'm selfish, and I'm disgusting, and I don't know what to do anymore. I don't deserve what I have and I never have done." Regina still couldn't see her face, but she could hear in her voice that Emma had started to cry again. "I'm not good enough. I cry and moan about my problems, and I pity myself, and it's so fucking stupid. I'm nothing-"
"I love you."
Emma went quiet, slowly lifting her head to meet Regina's eyes, that hadn't broken away from her once. "And I don't deserve you."
Carefully, Regina reached for Emma's hand and held it, caressing it gently. "Like hell you don't. You're amazing. You're the strongest person I've ever known and I have to pinch myself everyday just to make sure that this isn't a dream because you're the best thing that's ever happened to me."
Emma's lips parted, but she didn't say anything. Regina persisted, "You are loved, do you hear me? By so many people, and each one is lucky to have met you."
Emma chuckled sadly, "Thank you. But's that honestly so hard to believe right now. I feel like this whole time I've been pretending and now everyone's seeing how sad and useless I really am."
Regina remembered how this had all been brought to light. Emma had finally broken up with Hook, declaring how she didn't want to be dishonest with him or herself anymore. There had always been something between them, Regina and her both knew, but neither one had acted on it. The pirate's claims of infidelity were simply untrue, and just for making Emma's life hell, Regina couldn't sympathise with his heartbreak. His supposed true love turning out to be a lesbian - it would've been hilarious if it hadn't destroyed Emma in the process.
The guilt had killed her on the inside and though Regina and her were now happily together, it continued to fester. Regina thought back on all the trips to Archie's office, where Emma would spend hours crying. And the sight of that in the beginning was horrifying to Regina. To see her strong beloved break down so easily.
When she came home that one fateful day to find Emma in the bathroom, the whole situation came to a sharp clarity. Regina worked her hardest to be there for Emma, to pull her back from the edge before she was about to jump. The scars on her skin were just a reminder to Regina of what she was protecting with all her heart.
Sometimes there would be good days, other times not so much. But Regina's love for Emma only grew stronger.
"You're not useless. And I know how hard that might be to believe right now, but I would never lie to you. Emma, I love you. And you honestly deserve anything and everything that has ever made you happy."
Emma gazed at her, and a small smile made its way to her lips. "Regina-"
"Shhh, I love you." And she leaned forward, kissing Emma slowly and softly. When she pulled away, Emma's smile was bigger and brighter and Regina had never seen anything more beautiful.
"I love you too."
So this a pretty personal piece. But I like to think that sometimes dark experiences can create something beautiful. At least, I hope this didn't come across as too sad. I'm trying to be a bit more positive, so hopefully that will come across in my writing.
Anyone that is going through the shitstorm that is mental illness: you are not alone. And believe it or not, it does get better. Albeit, a bit slowly. I love you.
Those three words are powerful, so say them when you can, and mean them with all your heart when you do. Sometimes they have a much bigger effect than you could ever imagine.
Much love, J.