So this is my first songfic! The song is Tonight I Wanna Cry by Keith Urban. The character is Severus Snape. Hope you like it! :)
Disclaimer: I wish I owned Harry Potter. Sadly, I do not. I also would love to own Tonight I Wanna Cry, but I don't own that either. Kinda depressing, really. Oh well.
Alone in this house again tonight.
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine.
There're pictures of you and I on the walls around me.
The way that it was and could've been surrounds me.
I'll never get over you walkin' away.
Severus Snape was all alone in the Slytherin common room with a glass of Firewhiskey. He hated himself. His only friend, Lily Evans, now considered him just another Slytherin. Evil. Untrustworthy. Hated. All because he had let slip that stupid, foul word - Mudblood. He tried to tell himself that Potter and Black had taunted him, that the bloody werewolf had stood by and let it happen, but he knew it was a lie. It had been his fault, all his fault. And she would never forgive him.
He pulled out a picture he had taken of her just weeks ago. Picture-Lily stared coldly before turning and walking out the side of the picture.
His heart broke.
He wanted to yell at Picture-Lily. To tell her he was sorry. That he didn't mean it.
But Severus said nothing, because he knew she wouldn't listen.
He never even told her he loved her.
I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show.
And I thought that being strong meant never losin' your self-control.
To be in Slytherin meant to keep everything hidden. It meant to hide your emotions until no one, not even yourself, could find them.
Severus was a master at being a Slytherin. He hadn't cried in years, not even when nobody could see him.
But Lily leaving... it hurt.
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain.
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain from my eyes.
Tonight I wanna cry.
He sat with his knees pulled up to his chin and the curtains drawn around his bed.
As he finished his third Firewhiskey, tears feel down his face.
Severus rocked back and forth on his bed and cried.
November 1, 1981
Would it help if I turned a sad song on?
"All by myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone.
Nothing could help him anymore. There was no reason he could think of to continue. No reason to live anymore. No reason at all.
Because Lily Evans-Potter was dead.
And it was his fault.
She would never laugh again. He would never look into her eyes again. Her smile would never brighten the world again. How were people celebrating the death of the Dark Lord when the the price was his Lily?
It was too high of a price. Much too high.
She was gone and she was never coming back. Why couldn't he have at least told her goodbye? Not that it would have mattered anyway, since she hated him for being a Death Eater. A stupid, evil, slimy Death Eater.
Maybe it would've made her happy to know that he hated himself, too.
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better.
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way.
Severus flipped through some letters he had written to Lily during his Hogwarts years. She had never read them. No one had.
He had written most of them after the Mudblood incident in fifth year. The letters explained how much he loved her. They said how sorry he was. The ink on some of the pages was smeared from teardrops.
Severus remember how bad he had thought it hurt for Lily to hate him. He was wrong. That was nothing at all. He hadn't known true pain - the kind of pain that rips your heart apart and stomps on the pieces, the kind of pain that made Cruciatus seem like a paper cut.
He knew true pain now.
I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show.
And I thought that being strong meant never losin' your self-control.
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain.
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain from my eyes.
For weeks, Severus didn't sleep or eat, but he never cried for Lily. He was a master at Occlumency. He didn't show pain or emotion.
That was before Dumbledore sent him a letter.
The note itself was brief.
Severus,
As you know, I placed Mr. Harry James Potter in the care of his aunt, Mrs. Petunia Dursley.
His babysitter, Arabella Figg, sent me a picture of Mr. Potter. I thought you would like to see him.
~Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore
With the note was a pocket-sized photo of a laughing, black-haired baby.
Baby Harry turned around and looked up at Severus. His heart gave a jolt. He had his mother's eyes.
The green eyes tore through all of his shields and pierced his heart. His strength and pride crumpled.
Sobs tore through Severus' body, heart-wrenching sobs. He curled in a ball on his bed and screamed. The sound was haunting - it was the sound of a man who had nothing left to live for. No hope or happiness or love.
Eventually Severus cried himself to sleep. When he woke up, he locked away every emotion and all of his pain. He hid his heart behind his Occlumency shields.
It never came out again. Severus' heart was dead.
Tonight I wanna cry.
So did you like it? I think it's ok. I was listening to the song and thought of Snape, but I didn't really know how to put it into words. It's my first songfic.
Hope you liked it! :)
Reviews make me happy! *hint hint* lol. Please review!