A/N.: I made this oneshot for the James/Nathan 600th thread at FanForum. As it was his thread, the story had to be Nathan centric, only I find it really hard to write anything Nathan centric. Hee, dunno why. So I thought I'd describe his feelings during a particular scene already aired on the show. And I picked this one. I hope you guys enjoy it! Oh, and review, of course. :wink:
His heart was beating fast. It was about to bust through his chest. The blood pumped hard on the vein on his temple, making a noise so loud he could barely hear the sounds around him. His eyes were focused on his hand. He had to keep it steady. He had to keep it together.
They say when you're in a dangerous or stressful situation; you lose your peripheral vision and tend to focus on only one thing at a time. He was definitely on a stressful situation. But stress doesn't necessarily mean bad. It can mean overwhelming. This was just it. His heart was so fast that he started to feel faint. No, he couldn't. Not now.
He took a deep breath and closed his eyes.
Keep it together, Nathan.
There was one too many voices around him. Or maybe there were none at all and the pumping vein on his temple was doing the trick. He had to find his center, he had to find himself. This wasn't for him. This was for her.
He was feeling hot. There was a drop of sweat rolling down his forehead. With the back of his other hand, he wiped it off. Another deep breath.
The double doors were open and he thankfully received the breeze on his face. Glancing ahead, he saw the flashing lights. Before he knew, she was been taken away from him. He looked down at his hand again and felt it cold as the wind blew on his sweat. He was nervous. She wasn't with him anymore. He got worried.
A voice told him to get in. He did as told and took a seat next to her. Taking her hand again, he noticed their wedding band wrapped around her swollen finger. He tried to take it off; she looked like she needed the relief.
"What are you doing?" she asked with a confused and hurt look. She was a mess.
He smiled reassuringly, "It's OK" he whispered, "I'll hold it for you."
She let him slip the ring out of her finger. He didn't know where to put it. It could fall off of his pocket. The vein kept pumping and distracting him from his thoughts. He breathed again and put her ring on his pinky. He heard her chuckle for a moment. And in that moment he felt happy for giving her a distraction. He needed one, too.
They were going too fast. He couldn't stop still on his seat and every time they made a turn he had to hold on to the walls around him. He needed safe land. He needed to be steady. But this wasn't about him. Or his needs.
When the ride seemed so long it wouldn't end, it did. The voice told him to get out and, once again, he did as told. Never letting go of her.
Double doors were open and his heart wouldn't slow down. He was walking fast, almost tripping on his way. He started to feel his knees shaking.
Damn, Nathan. Pull it together.
Someone touched his wrist and suddenly she was taken away from him again. He would protest but all of his body functions were busy by making him more nervous than he ever did before in his life. The face in front of him was nice. Almost pleasant.
"Sir, you need to scrub in first before walking into the room."
He breathed in deeply. Did he nod? The face disappeared. He kept walking down the hall, towards the familiar face that walked on his direction. He stopped. He sighed. His arms swung open as he received his brother's body into his hug. He closed his eyes and soothed the other boy. He could feel his heart beat as hard and as fast as his own. Lucas' heart was fragile. The lives of both women behind those doors were also very fragile at the moment.
He tightened his eyes shut. He needed to keep it together.
The doctor was instructing the staff around the room. He was standing by the door, looking in. He looked down. He hated baby blue. Strong, live, piercing like his eyes, Ravens blue – he liked it
All the nurses knew exactly what they had to do. They moved around in a silent and rehearsed choreography. It all revolved around the young girl placed in the middle of the room. He tried a nervous smile and sat next to her in the most uncomfortable stool he could possibly think of. It almost hurt his butt as he dropped his body down. What did he know about pain at that moment?
"Breathe."
And he did. At the exact same time as she did. Her hand looked for his and he helped her. His hand seemed so huge and disproportional as it wrapped around her tiny and delicate hand as a whole. His lips met her palm and he kissed her. Her breathing became frantic and it was keeping pace with his heart beating. He needed to slow it down or he'd collapse.
"It's gonna be OK, baby" he breathed next to her ear, "Just relax" he rubbed her shoulder and lovingly kissed her on the temple, "I love you."
He watched her nod and felt her squeezing his hand. This was it. He didn't need to hear it. He knew it.
Her face was scrunched. She was in pain. She had a good reason to be in pain. Why was his heart so goddamn fast? Why was he suffering? She squirmed and whimpered. His heart sank.
He was feeling for her.
This wasn't about her. This was about them. Both of their lives was about to be changed. It wouldn't be about just the two of them for much longer. They would be three.
The doctor spoke to her. A nurse helped her seat up. This was it. Time to change their lives. His heart jumped back up again.
"Push."
"Breathe."
"Push."
"Breathe."
He was feeling dizzy but his eyes wouldn't stop darting around from her to the doctor and back to her; watching her every more and face expression.
"Come on Haley, just breathe."
She didn't seem to listen to what the doctor was saying. He rubbed her shoulder again. He knew he was the only one who could calm her down. At least one of them had to calm down.
"You're doing good, baby. You're doing so good."
She really was. Her breaths were short and fast and he was almost finding himself breathing the same way. He had to keep in check he didn't have to breathe like that.
"One last time."
He felt her clench her fingernails on his hand. She had her eyes closed so he couldn't see them. He wanted her to look at him. They communicated through their eyes. They didn't have to speak up. Words were too messy.
He didn't know what to do. The pumping of the vein shut out all sounds from the room. He could no longer hear her. Was she crying? The doctor smiled. Time seemed to move slower. He looked down.
There he was.
The smallest human being to ever change the course of their lives. He found himself smiling. He was in awe. The pumping stopped. His heart slowed down. He heard a cry. And another one. He could barely believe. She was crying and he ran a hand through her hair to soothe her.
"You can relax."
She was happy, he could tell. She was smiling at him. He felt relief. She sighed looking at him.
"You're a dad."
His heart filled with a warm feeling. He never felt that before. He kissed her hand "You did good, baby" and leaned over to placed a kiss on her head, "You did so good. We have a son."
As the words slipped out of his lips, it sank in him. They had a son. They were three now. He repeated the words, "We have a son" more for himself.
She asked to see him and immediately a nurse handed her a wrapped bubble of a baby. "Oh my God." He followed him with his eyes and had to catch his breath at the sight of his wife with their baby now in her arms. It was real. It was there.
He saw her greeting the baby. He found it cute. Babies don't understand when they're greeted and he always wondered why parents insisted on talking to them. They would never understand what they were saying anyway. But now, looking at his newborn son on his wife's arms, he couldn't help himself. He was a parent as well now.
"Hi…" he took one hand and touched the baby's head.
It felt real, it felt weird, it felt solid, it felt life changing, it felt his.
He watched mother and son interact some more as she welcomed him to the world. That baby would never be alone in such world. Not by the way he saw his wife holding him and by the way she looked at him. Mother and baby turned to him.
"Look, it's your Daddy."
He found himself smiling. Widely. The baby was his; he was also the baby's. The Daddy. That particularly small person would never be alone. He'd have him, too.
"He's so beautiful" he whispered without taking his eyes off his son. It was his son. He was still processing that.
He was a father. He'd do it better than his father did. He'd love unconditionally, he'd help, he'd protect, he'd nurture, he'd give his life for him. He'd keep his family together and he'd make them happy. They would be happy. They already were.
The title is a song by Live.