Cold Open
EXT. OUTSIDE THE OFFICE BRIGHT SUNNY DAY
MICHAEL EXITS HIS CAR, NINJA GEAR ON AND RUNS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. TAKING SHELTER AT A WALL NEAR THE ELEVATOR, WHEN A UNKNOWN WORKER EXITS THE ELEVATOR. HE DRAWS HIS SWORD AND HITS THE WORKER IN THE LEG EFFECTIVELY CRIPPLING HIM FOR THE MOMENT
MICHAEL
Never underestimate the ninja...huaaa!
MICHAEL STEPS OVER THE WORKER AND GETS ON THE ELEVATOR.
INT. OFFICE PAM'S DESK
MICHAEL THROWS THE DOOR OPEN AND SNEAKS THROUGH WITH A MASK ON AND A SWORD ON HIS BACK. HE STOPS IN FRONT OF PAM AND JIM IN AN ATTACK POSITION. JIM RAISES HIS EYEBROW TOWARD PAM AND LOOKS AT MICHAEL.
JIM
Hmm.
PAM
Isn't it a little early for Halloween, Michael?
MICHAEL
Pam, hold my calls. The Black Knight should be calling about an important message regarding the whereabouts of the Princess of Buddy Land.
THEN MOVING AWAY AS IF HE WERE A NINJA, PAM AND JIM ARE LEFT ALONE.
PAM TALKING HEAD
PAM
Recently, Michael has been playing a lot of video games. I guess he thinks it's his sworn duty to protect the way of the ninja... or something like that
INT. MAIN OFFICE
MICHAEL WALKS OUT OF HIS OFFICE TO ADDRESS EVERYONE.
MICHAEL
Attention everyone, I have an announcement to make. As of next week, we will be holding a tournament to promote our new ad campaign. Before we commence the competition, we must seek out our inner peace in the form of battle. That will be all.
MICHAEL THEN TAKES SNAP DRAGONS FROM HIS POCKET, THROWING THEM AT THE GROUND, MAKING SOME PEOPLE JUMP, AND SNEAKS AWAY TO HIS OFFICE.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
Finally Michael has laid down the challenge, and I'm ready to meet him head on. The only question being, what weapon should I bring? Hmm... here's a thought, how about all of them.
OSCAR TALKING HEAD
OSCAR
How do I feel about the tournament? Good, I used to be on my high schools wrestling team. I think I still have my tights? What?... Oh no no no, I was in it purely for the sport.
JIM TALKING HEAD
JIM
Actually I'm pretty intimidated by this whole tournament thing. I'm totally freaked out by having to look at Oscar, if he dresses in his high school wrestling tights, or Dwight, well Dwight couldn't get any weirder could he?
INT. MAIN OFFICE
DWIGHT WALKS PAST JIM IN HIS ROBIN COSTUME TO THE CENTER OF THE ROOM.
JIM
I stand corrected.
END OF COLD OPEN
INT. OFFICE PAMS DESK
MICHAEL WALKS INTO THE OFFICE LOOKING DEPRESSED, PASSING AN EMPTY PAM'S DESK AND A CONFUSED OSCAR.
CAMERA PANS WITH MICHAEL IGNORING EVERYONE WALKING STRAIGHT TO HIS OFFICE. THE CAMERA PANS BACK TO A FROWNING OSCAR.
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
MICHAEL
I was told from a very reliable source that when you suffer a bad break up you need to put yourself back on the market, to get back on the horse. So that is what I did.
HE REACHES DOWN TO GRAB SOMETHING FROM HIS DRAWER AND PULLS OUT A VHS TAPE. HE LOOKS UP AND SMILES.
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
I got back on that horse, and I rode it all night long baby.
INT. MAIN OFFICE
THE RECEPTION PHONE STARTS TO RING AND RING. THE CAMERA PANS AROUND THE OFFICE FROM KEVIN, OSCAR, ANGELA, AND THE REST OF THE OFFICE LOOKING AT PAMS EMPTY DESK.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE OFFICE
PAM CLOSELY STUDIES THE PLANTS IN THE GROUND BEFORE GETTING UP AND LOOKING AROUND TO SEE IF ANYONE IS WATCHING. SATISFIED THAT NO ONE IS THERE SHE SMILES AND HURRIES AWAY FROM HER GARDEN TO THE OFFICE.
INT. MAIN OFFICE
MICHAEL WALKS OUT OF HIS OFFICE TO ADDRESS EVERYONE.
MICHAEL
Alright everyone, I need to call a special meeting... Meeting time, come on lets go...
THE REST OF THE OFFICE LOOKS AT EACH OTHER CONFUSED.
INT. MEETING ROOM DAY
MICHAEL PACES BACK AND FORTH IN FRONT OF HIS STAFF. THE REST OF THE OFFICE ARE TALKING QUIETLY AMONG THEMSELVES.
KEVIN
(whispering to Stanley) What do you think were doing here? He only calls these meetings when he has something big.
STANLEY
What's a four letter word for this meeting.
ANDY
Awesome... What?
MICHAEL STOPS PACING AND TURNS AROUND, ADDRESSING THE OFFICE.
MICHAEL
Alright everyone... I'm not really sure how to say this, but... Ah, lately I have been having trouble with the girls. And, well...
DWIGHT STANDS UP AND WALKS UP AND PUTS HIS ARM AROUND MICHAEL TRYING TO CONSOLE HIM.
DWIGHT
Are you sick of the girl's now Michael? Want me to get the Gaydar? It can tell us for certain...
MICHAEL SHOVES DWIGHT OFF AND TURNS AROUND LOOKING AT HIM.
MICHAEL
No Dwight, I'm not having problems with the girls.
DWIGHT
But you just said you were having trouble with them. We should probably check with the Gaydar. It's the leading source when checking for gayness. Right Jim?
JIM
Yep.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
Michael's never struck me as gay. But intuition tells me.. They can be lurking anywhere.
OSCAR TALKING HEAD
OSCAR
Michael, gay?... No way. It's as likely as Pam asking dwight for help.
INT. MEETING ROOM DAY
MICHAEL TURNS AWAY FROM DWIGHT, AND ADDRESSES THE OFFICE.
MICHAEL
(sighs) Alright, we need to start focusing on the real issue here. I'm not gay... I think I have E.D.
THE ROOM GOES QUIET AND SOME PEOPLE GET UP TO LEAVE.
JIM TALKING HEAD
JIM
And here I though he had a big issue. But, I guess it was a small one.
JIM'S DESK
JIM HOLDING UP PAPER IS FRONT OF HIS FACE NOTICES ANGELA APPROACHING DWIGHT AND HIMSELF. DWIGHT WORKING ON A SALE DOESN'T NOTICE HER.
ANGELA
Dwight, can I speak to you for a second?
DWIGHT TRYING TO WORK IGNORES HER.
ANGELA (CONT'D)
Dwight a second please.
DWIGHT
Angela, I'm busy right now. Can it wait a few minutes? This matter takes my utmost concentration.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
When I'm going over my notes on clients, I'm like a sleeping tiger. Poke it with a stick once, and it might just ignore you. Poke it again.... and you better be prepared, to be mauled by said tiger.
CUT BACK TO JIM'S DESK
DWIGHT
Angela, we can talk about this some other time? I need to be up to date on all of my skills, so I can render my next client defenseless to the sale price.
ANGELA
Seriously Dwight, sales cannot be that hard.
JIM'S PHONE RINGS.
JIM
Hello? Yes this is he. Oh really..
ANGELA
What... I mean all you guys do is sit around calling people asking if they want to buy paper, right? I have to keep track of all of this company's finances and fix a bunch of Michael's blunders.
JIM AND DWIGHT SHARE A LOOK.
DWIGHT
Actually, we're the work horses for this ship, Angela. We make all things possible. If it weren't for us, you wouldn't be sitting around signing forms.
ANGELA
I do not just sit around...
JIM
So your company burned down and you are out of supplies... Yes, of course we can be of service
DWIGHT
We make lots of calls and have tons of meetings with possible clients all over the area. Inform her of our lively-hood Jim.
JIM
Ah... Kind of busy here Dwight.
DWIGHT
See Angela, Jim's working right now on something. Hey, now that an idea.
ANGELA
What?
DWIGHT
Why not take a little trip with Jim this afternoon and just see how fun it can be?
DWIGHT STANDS UP AND WALKS OVER TO JIM'S DESK STANDING IN FRONT OF HIM STARING.
DWIGHT (CONT'D)
What do you say Jim. Are you up to showing this newbie how we roll.
JIM
Hey, could you hold on for a second.
JIM TAKES THE PHONE AWAY FROM HIS EAR AND PUTS THE PHONE AGAINST HIS CHEST TURNING TOWARD DWIGHT.
JIM (CONT'D)
Ah, Dwight can I get a bagel, with cream cheese and a large coffee. Thanks.
JIM TAKES THE PHONE AWAY FROM HIS CHEST AND PUTS IT BACK TO HIS EAR TURNING AWAY FROM DWIGHT.
JIM (CONT'D)
Sorry about that.
DWIGHT
Very immature as always Jim. So can you take Angela or not.
JIM SIGHS HIS HEAD BACK TO DWIGHT.
JIM
Fine, whatever. Just make sure she is ready to go.
DWIGHT
Affirmative.
ANGELA STROLLS AWAY. DWIGHT AND JIM SHARE ANOTHER LOOK, LOCKING EYES BEFORE DWIGHT WALKS AWAY, LEAVING JIM ALONE ON THE PHONE.
WHILE WALKING PAST AN OFFICE WINDOW, DWIGHT SPOTS PAM IN THE PARKING LOT, ACTING SUSPICIOUS. HE SMIRKS AND GOES TO INVESTIGATE.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE OFFICE
DWIGHT, TRYING TO NOT BE NOTICE BY ANYONE, JOGS HIS WAY TO PAM, WHOM IS BEHIND THE OFFICE BUILDING AT HER SECRET SPOT.
INT. OFFICE
STANLEY WALKS PAST THE WINDOW, CAMERA PANS TO DWIGHT BENDING DOWN FOLLOWING A NERVOUS LOOKING PAM, LEAVING THE PERIMETER OF THE BUILDING.
STANLEY
Whatever....
EXT. PAM' GARDEN
PAM IS HOLDING A WATERING CAN WATERING THE NUMEROUS PLANTS IN HER GARDEN. DWIGHT IS SHOCKED THAT NOT ONLY DOES SHE LIKE GARDENING, BUT SHE IS DOING IT QUITE WELL.
DWIGHT
What are you doing, watering like that?
PAM, SHOCKED AT HIS SUDDEN APPEARANCE, QUICKLY TURNS AROUND TRYING TO HIDE THE WATERING CAN.
PAM
Dwight... ah, I should be asking you that same question.
DWIGHT
Well Pam, as the current number three in this office, it's my duty to look out for negligence from my coworkers. It just so happens that I saw you leaving the premises during work hours.
PAM LOOKS LIKE A DEER IN HEADLIGHTS.
PAM
Ahh... I was, ahh, just watering..
PAM TRIES TO SMILE; CAMERA PANS TO DWIGHT WHO HAS THE SAME FROWN AS BEFORE.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
Watering she says.
(He scoffs)
As if that could be called watering. She might as well just learn from someone who has planted more than just flowers.
END OF ACT 1
INT. BREAK ROOM
MICHAEL WALKS INTO THE BREAK ROOM TO FIND ANDY, KEVIN, AND STANLEY IN THE BREAK ROOM EATING LUNCH.
MICHAEL
There they are... The kings of the castle, the lords of the land. How are ya men.
ANDY, KEVIN, AND STANLEY JUST NOD TOWARD MICHAEL NOT REALLY PAYING HIM ANY MIND.
ANDY TALKING HEAD
ANDY
This morning kind of freaked me out. It was just a big shocker to me. I mean big Andy is packing some heat... If you know you mean.
STANLEY TALKING HEAD
STANLEY
It's just kind of weird. What is he, like 32?
KEVIN TALKING HEAD
KEVIN SHAKES HIS HEAD BACK AND FORTH SMILING. HE LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW TO SEE MICHAEL PACING AROUND THE OUTSIDE OF THE OFFICE AND HE STARTS SNICKERING.
BACK TO:
INT. BREAK ROOM
MICHAEL WALKS OVER AND SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE AND LOOKS AROUND TO EACH GUY.
MICHAEL
So how was that football game last night boys. Lots of amazing action right?
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
MICHAEL
I feel like I have lost my connection with this office. So, its time to man up, and take them back.
INT. PAM'S DESK
(DWIGHT, PAM)
PAM SITS QUIETLY AT HER DESK. DWIGHT POPS OUT OF NOWHERE CARRYING LOTS OF PAPERS.
DWIGHT
Alright Pam, I have an entire list of what I feel like you should be growing in your first garden. Also I have a beginner's guide to watering your plants. Please make good use of it.
PAM LOOKS AT ALL OF THE MATERIALS, UNDECIDED ON WHETHER TO TAKE IT OR THROW IT OUT.
PAM
Thanks, Dwight... I don't know where I would be without you.
DWIGHT
You would be right where you are now: an amateur in the gardening universe.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
Pam has really no idea what she is getting into. She thinks she's just going to grow here little garden and have that be that. No... she is going to get the full power of the Shrute family. If need be, I will bring my whole family to transform her secret garden into a flourishing haven of leaves and stems.
INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE
MICHAEL SITS AT HIS DESK LOOKING THROUGH THE LOCAL NEWSPAPER. HE STOPS FLIPPING PAGES AND ZONES IN ON AN AD. HE REACHES FOR THE PHONE AN PICKS IT UP. DIALING SOME NUMBERS THE PHONE STARTS RINGING.
AUTOMATED VOICE
Welcome to the get Stay Concentrated At Making love. We here at SCAM are dedicated to making your experiences more...prolonged.
MICHAEL TAKES THE PHONE AWAY FROM HIS HEAD AND LOOKS AT IT FOR A SECOND BEFORE PUTTING IT BACK TO HIS EAR.
AUTOMATED VOICE (CONT'D)
Press 1 if you would like to speak to one of our representatives.
MICHAEL PRESSES THE 1 KEY ON HIS PHONE.
AUTOMATED VOICE (CONT'D)
....Thank you for choosing SCAM. One of our representatives should be available in 2 hours.
THE PHONE STARTS TO PLAY ELEVATOR MUSIC. HE JUST SHAKES HIS HEAD AND SIGHS.
INT. PAMS DESK
PAM, HOLDING HER HEAD IN HER HANDS, NOTICES DWIGHT WITH RUBBER GLOVES AND KNEE PADS APPROACHING. SHE GETS OFF HER CHAIR AND TRIES TO HIDE UNDER HER DESK. DWIGHT APPROACHES AND LEANS OVER TO SEE PAM HIDING.
DWIGHT
Those flowers aren't going to water themselves, Pam. If we hurry we can get in an extra round of fertilizer.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
Pam is lucky to have me. In my family we have a term for her gardening that would suit her perfect... Murderer.
DWIGHT WALKS AROUND THE DESK FINDING PAM TRYING TO HIDE. HE PICKS HER UP, PUTS HER ON HIS SHOULDER AND STARTS WALKING OUT OF THE OFFICE WITH A SQUIRMING PAM ON HIS SHOULDER.
DWIGHT (V.O.) (CONT'D)
There is nothing I wouldn't go through to take care our beautiful environment. And since it just so happens that Pam can't handle the pressure...
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
I will just have to play the hero and save the day from Lord Pam.
INT. ANGELA'S CAR
(JIM, ANGELA)
JIM
Eyes on the road, Angela.
ANGELA
They're making faces at me Jim. I know you don't care how you look when you leave your house, but I do.
JIM
They're just being kids. They're not purposefully trying to get you distracted. So just give it a rest.
ANGELA
Just because everyone likes you doesn't mean that kids..
ANGELA LOOKS AT THE SCHOOL BUS IN THE LANE NEXT TO HER WITH THE KIDS MAKING FACES AT HER.
ANGELA (CONT'D)
STOP IT!
AS SHE TURNS TO YELL AT THE KIDS AGAIN SHE ALSO TURNS THE STEERING WHEEL.
JIM
Look out!
ANGELA'S CAR HITS THE BUS AND THAT PUTS THE BUS ONTO THE SHOULDER OF THE ROAD. ANGELA'S CAR THEN PULLS BEHIND THE SCHOOL BUS.
ANDY IS WALKING PAST THE WINDOWS AND NOTICES DWIGHT AND PAM WALKING TOGETHER BEHIND THE OFFICE. SMIRKING, HE GOES OFF TO TELL THE OTHERS.
INT. MAIN OFFICE
ANDY
Alright everybody... I got some news that will knock your socks off. So shut your pie holes and listen up.
THE OFFICE GOES QUIET.
ANDY (CONT'D)
I was just minding my business looking for Michael when I just so happened to see Pam and Dwight frolicking together, away from the building... into the bushes, people. Owwwwww!
KEVIN TALKING HEAD
KEVIN
Mmm...mmm, this is starting to get good. And to think this epic love tale couldn't get any better. Jim and Pam have overcome so much to be together. An affair now could ruin their relationship... I can't wait to see what happens.
STANLEY TALKING HEAD
STANLEY
Well I did see them earlier, not that I really care.
EXT. PAM' GARDEN
(DWIGHT, PAM)
PAM IS WATERING HER PLANTS, WHILE DWIGHT IS GIVING ORDERS TO HER.
DWIGHT
Just remember that each plant is a living, breathing being and deserves to be treated with respect.
PAM
Dwight, we have been here for more than an hour now...
SHE PUTS DOWN THE CAN, TIRED OF WATERING
PAM (CONT'D)
I mean, haven't they had enough water already? It feels like we are drowning them. Could we be giving them too much water?
DWIGHT
Pam, Pam, Pam, the moment I need tips about farming from you I'll gladly take Jim out for a date.
PAM
(sighs)
Alright, fine. Then what will people think if they saw us all alone together...
DWIGHT STOPS AND TURNS AROUND
DWIGHT
We have to get back.
DWIGHT GRABS PAM'S HAND AND PULLS HER OUT OF THE GARDEN TOWARD THE OFFICE.
INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE
MICHAEL SITS WITH HIS HEAD ON THE DESK. THE PHONE IN ON SPEAKER STILL PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC. ANDY THEN ENTERS THE OFFICE.
ANDY
Hey big dog. I know this may be hard for you but maybe the stallion (He points to himself) can give you some pointers.
VOICE FROM PHONE
Hello, and thank you for calling SCAM. We here at SCAM promise you a better boner with our special therapy and treatment. My name is Tracy, how may I help you.
MICHAEL JUST PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS.
ANDY
Looks like you have it covered.
ANDY WALKS OUT OF MICHAEL'S OFFICE.
INT. ANDY TALKING HEAD
ANDY
Wow, I never thought the great Michael Scott was that bad in the sack. When compared to me though... everyone falls to the big stallion.
ANDY MAKES A NEIGHING HORSE NOISE, WAVING HIS HANDS AROUND.
INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE
TRACY
So you would like the 25 pack of Jumbo enhancers. Also included in that deal are 5 sessions of hardness therapy. Also...
MICHAEL
Hey, can you hold on for a second..
MICHAEL PUTS THE PHONE DOWN AND WALKS TO HIS WINDOW TO SEE JUST ABOUT THE WHOLE OFFICE STANDING NEAR THE DOOR.
END OF ACT 2
INT. MAIN OFFICE
DWIGHT PULLS PAM INTO THE OFFICE. EVERYONE IS NEAR THE FRONT DOOR LOOKING AT THEM. DWIGHT AND PAM LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND PULL THEIR HANDS AWAY FROM EACH OTHER.
ANDY
Well, well, well, look who was caught with his hand in his pants.... Well not exactly your pants, but...
PAM
Andy, this isn't what you think.
PAM TRIES TO WALK PAST ANDY, BUT ANDY STOPS HER.
ANDY
Whoa there, princess. You're not going to just boogie and run on your prince, would you? And you...
ANDY POINTS AT DWIGHT
ANDY (CONT'D)
It looks like there is going to be a new number three in town. When Michael hears about this, your run in this town is over.
MICHAEL HEARS THE COMMOTION AND WALKS OUT OF HIS OFFICE.
MICHAEL
When I hear about what?
EVERYONE TURNS TO LOOK AT MICHAEL
ANDY
Well boss man, it seems that Dwight here has been taking advantage of Pam here. Dragging her into the bushes and..
DWIGHT
I was just showing her the basics.
ANDY
Yeah I bet you were. Boo Ya!
DWIGHT
She was severely lacking in this department, and needed to be taught-
ANDY INTERRUPTS DWIGHT.
ANDY
It's finally time for fall the of Dwight Shrute. Michael, as acting number 4 at this office, I motion the downsizing of one Dwight Shrute on the crime of sexual harassment.
PAM
Don't I get a say in this?
ANDY
At the courtroom, you will be playing the biggest role.
PAM, FRUSTRATED, PASSES THE OTHERS AND WALKS AWAY.
ANDY (CONT'D)
So boss man, what do ya say? Is he a goner?
MICHAEL
Huh... (sigh) Well do you have any proof of them doing it?
ANDY
Ahhhh....
ANDY LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM, TRYING TO THINK OF SOMETHING.
MICHAEL
I'm trying to deal with bigger issues right now. And besides, who would want to touch Dwight that way anyway?
DWIGHT
The only part that I have touched is her stem. I have given it lots of clear and brown fluids. It helps them grow.
MICHAEL
Dwight! That's disgusting... making garden references.
MICHAEL SHAKES HIS HEAD TO GET THAT IMAGE OUT OF HIS HEAD.
MICHAEL (CONT'D)
Ewe, that's just taking it too far. What the heck are you thinking?
DWIGHT
Pam's garden... What are you talking about?
MICHAEL
(sighs) All of you, just get back to work.
MICHAEL SHAKES HIS HEAD WALKING BACK TO HIS OFFICE.
KEVIN TALKING HEAD
KEVIN
Oh well. It looks like the big affair episode won't be this week. But I'll keep waiting for it.
INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE
MICHAEL PICKS UP THE PHONE AGAIN.
MICHAEL
All right, sorry about that. Where were we.
TRACY
We were discussing you purchasing the mega boner pack. There were also 4 rubdowns that come with it.
MICHAEL
Ahh... your kind of freaking me out. How about just giving me the pills and calling it a day.
EXT. SIDE OF THE ROAD ANGELA'S CAR
ANGELA
Do you think Dwight or anyone else at the office is worried about us being gone so long?
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
(sighs) What's been taking Jim so long? They should of been back a while ago. My worry instincts are starting to go off..... Not!
EXT. SIDE OF THE ROAD ANGELA'S CAR
JIM
Nope.
END OF ACT 3