A/N: Okay, children! New pet project! I recommend that this segment be paired with the youtube video "A Perfect Circle-Thirteenth Step (Full Album)" by Aaron Fraser. So strap yourselves in and enjoy the ride.
It had started innocently enough. Sneaking pain reliever he wasn't supposed to have from Hatori when he wasn't looking. And only after particularly vicious beatings…when he couldn't handle the pain on his own. He didn't want to get the doctor in trouble for asking…because he knew. He knew Hatori would just give it to him if he asked. But the desires and cravings for numbness…and escape…had begun to enforce their own will upon him. What was it they say? The best-laid plans of mice and men often go astray... That, or the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Either way, things had gotten worse. But…it…had started innocently enough…
Clever got me this far
Then tricky got me in
He walked quietly down the hall to his cousin's office, knowing that Hatori would be busy tending to him…or so he had thought before his hand had opened the door. His mistake.
Eye on what I'm after
I don't need another friend
A carefully constructed smile graced his lips, the mask he shared with the world as his eyes took in the stern expression of his cousin. He hadn't counted on this. How was he going to get what he needed now? He would have to come back later…but…would he be able to hold on that long? Would he be able to hold it back? This sick knot in his stomach that cried out for release.
Smile and drop the cliché
'Till you think I'm listening
"Yuki?" The monotone voice broke him from his internal scheming. "Are you okay?" And Yuki once again focused on his cousin's face, noticing his expression had shifted to one of concern.
"Huh?" Yuki responded, trying to piece together exactly when and where his cousin's expression had changed.
"I asked if you needed something from me?" Harori's words came slow, his expression guarded, gaging Yuki's actions with careful vigilance.
"…oh…" Yuki murmured, his gaze shifting to the floor in an attempt to collect his thoughts and devise another plan. "No." He whispered, his eyes shifting back to his cousin's concerned expression. "I'm fine. I'll just be on my way. Sorry to have bothered you." And with that he dismissed himself from Hatori's office…planning…whispering…hoping he hadn't been discovered.
I take just what I came for
Then I'm out the door again
That day found him barely held together. Words whispered in tender, hushed tones, going blow for blow and worse with any amount of physical abuse his body could have been put through. Could have…but wasn't. Not today. But the damage was done. The pain was there. Words so hurtful and destructive that the pain had nearly hollowed him out. Settling underneath his skin like a flesh eating virus. Consuming him. Leaving nothing but an empty shell…and a need.
Peripheral on the package
Don't care to settle in
Yuki knew that Hatori kept more potent pharmaceuticals to manage his care and wellbeing. And he knew exactly where to find them. So many times he had been in this office for his own wounds…his own pain. So many times. How many times was he made better and tossed back as a play toy? Entering uninvited, his thoughts turned into cravings. He wanted it. Oh how he wanted it. Needed it. This all-encompassing hunger coming ravenous, tearing at him from the inside threatening to come out.
Time to feed the monster
I don't need another friend
Having watched Hatori carefully for years…he knew what to do. He had learned. The tightness of the elastic band was uncomfortable, making his arm numb…but it was bearable. And soon he would have what he really wanted. What he knew nothing else could accomplish. A sense of release…of comfort. Strange, how for so long he had foolishly looked to others for comfort, when it had been here all along…just waiting for him.
Comfort is a mystery
Crawling out of my own skin
The sharp pain of his cruel mistress was quickly replaced by the warmth that traveled up his arm and into his chest as he closed his eyes. A lover's embrace that was far sweeter than anything he could have imagined or hoped for. No matter how bad he had been. How vile and wrenched a creature he believed himself to be. This lover would never turn away from him. Ever. That was its promise. Yuki bound himself to his newfound lover, becoming completely helpless in its hold as his thick lashes fluttered against unconsciousness. Oh how this love left him exhausted…but…it quieted the voices in his head and offered a moment's rest. Only for a moment. That's all he asked for.
Just give me what I came for
Then I'm out the door again
"What's going on, Yuki?" A low, monotone voice disturbed this perfect moment of peace as Yuki struggled to open his eyes.
Lie to get what I came for
He was going to have to lie to Hatori.
Lie to get just what I need
He was going to have to lie to keep his lover.
Lie to get what I crave
He was going to have to lie to keep their secret.
Lie and smile to get what's mine
A low giggle worked its way through his lips as he laid his head back and closed his eyes again, not having the energy or strength to care that he had finally been caught. He had already partaken of this stolen gift, a lover's kiss. And it wasn't like Hatori could actually make him give it back. Another giggle caused a tremor to pass through his body as he pictured the absurdity of that. Giving it back. It was funny.
Eye on what I'm after
I don't need another friend
He took in a shuttered breath, faint and weak as he focused on the low hum of Hatori's voice. No doubt chastising him on the hazards of his choices…but the words rose and fell with the hum of his voice and Yuki couldn't understand a word he was saying. He didn't care. Let him be. He was happy now.
A sharp slap to his face caused Yuki's eyes to fly open as his gaze blurred and focused on his cousin's face.
"Wake up, Yuki!" Hatori hissed, and Yuki simply blinked as a slow smile worked its way along his pale lips.
"I'm awake already…let me sleep." He murmured, another giggle of contentment passing his lips as his lashes fluttered under the weight of his lover…another slap causing a scowl to form across his face.
"Okay…I'm awake. You can stop hitting me now." Yuki grumbled, his gaze finding his cousin's face again.
Nod and watch your lips move
If you need me to pretend
Yuki felt the weight of his body moved and lifted from the ground. Had he been on the ground? He didn't remember going to the floor…but…his lover often left him places he didn't remember going. A cruel mistress indeed. Another smile crossed his lips. He liked it this way. He deserved this. To be left on the floor. Why couldn't he just stay? There were no expectations of excellence and perfection here.
Because clever got me this far
Then tricky got me in
"Let me go." He whimpered feebly…feeling himself drug out of his lover's embrace.
"I need to get you somewhere safe." The monotone voice murmured in his ear…but Yuki knew that place didn't exist.
I'll take just what I came for
Then I'm out the door again
A course sob broke its way through his lips as he felt the pain of awareness pressing itself against him. He had wanted to stay. He had wanted to stay on his knees, where he belonged. He didn't want to have to get back up and try again. Couldn't he have stayed just a bit longer? Hadn't he earned just a moment more? But his lover had left him with another lie as the warmth of its embrace left him cold and alone.
Lie to get what I came for
He had lied all of the times he told Yuki he loved him. Yuki knew this. Love couldn't possibly be that painful.
Lie to get what I need now
Hatori had lied all of the times he told Yuki he would keep him safe…just as he lied now. Yuki knew this, too. He was never safe.
Lie to get what I'm craving
All of the kind words Tohru had ever spoken were probably lies to… Yuki knew. He knew that there was nothing left in him to love. It had all been taken away, bit by bit. There was no way Tohru could possibly love something so wrenched.
Lying on his side where Hatori had left him, the bitterness of reality began to sink in. There was nothing left of him…except an aching need. A need that pulsed through his body and pulled him under. A need relentless and unwilling to be satisfied, no matter how hard he tried. Would it always be like this? Fighting between what he wanted and what he yearned for? Had he not made them one in the same?
The harsh tone of Hatori's voice shattered his thoughts as his empty gaze met that of his cousin's. Hatori wanted answers. And…so did he.
Lie and smile to get what's mine
"How long have you been stealing morphine from me?" Hatori's voice came angry as his cold gaze narrowed on Yuki's blank features. "How long?"
"When did you finally notice?" Yuki retorted, his words coming hollow.
"I've had my suspicions for a while now." Hatori murmured seriously. "But today was the first time I was absolutely certain." His eyes came steady, hiding something, but what?
"Well then…" Yuki's voice came above a whisper. "…I guess I started stealing from you today." Yuki retorted, attempting to search Hatori's face…he was definitely hiding something.
"This isn't a joke, Yuki!" Hatori spat.
"I never said it was." Yuki responded, still searching…so close to the answer.
"Do you even realize what you're doing to yourself?" Hatori growled, his features becoming less guarded as his composure began to melt away like ice in the spring.
"That's not the question you should be asking…" Yuki quipped. "The question isn't about realization or understanding of the gravity of my situation…is it." He continued, slowly chipping away at Hatori's armor. "The real question is 'do I even care what I'm doing to myself.'" There it was, a flash…a glimmer across Hatori's face…a tell.
"So, the answer to your real question is no…I don't care. I haven't for a very long time. But…" Yuki whispered, a faint smile working its way along his lips at his newfound discovery. "…you do, don't you. You care." And with the destructive force of a turbulent storm Hatori's face fell at Yuki's words and accusations. "You knew what I was doing and you blame yourself for not stopping me when you had the chance." The twist of the blade…Yuki would make him feel this. "You find yourself just as guilty as I am…don't you?" Yuki watched as Hatori helplessly bled out…remorse…regret…guilt at the monster he had helped create.
"Worse yet…I bet you can even take a great guess as to how we got here…can't you!" Yuki hissed, ripping the blade out and viciously wounding his cousin again. "You could have helped me, Hatori…but you didn't. Just like my brother. You turned a blind eye to everything! You lied for him, at my expense! And now look at what's happened. You didn't help me then…but…" He paused, his amethyst gaze burrowing into his cousin's guilty expression…he had found his in…his way to continue this dangerous love affair. "You will help me now."
Give this to me
Mine, mine, mine
Take what's mine
Mine, mine, mine
Take what's mine
Mine, mine, mine
"You will give me what I want, Hatori." Yuki murmured lowly. "You will give me what's mine. You owe me this." And as he peered into Hatori's eyes he knew that the battle was won…for now.
And so, an uneasy alliance was made that night.
Lie to get what I came for
They would lie to him.
Lie to get what I need now
Yuki would keep his lover.
Lie to get what I crave
Hatori would arrange their meetings.
Lie to smile and get what's mine
Everything was as it should be. Yuki would be taken to the ground again…right where he belonged. And now. Now he would have help.
Give this to me
Take what's mine
Mine, mine, mine
Take what's mine
Give this to me
There was truth in the saying 'misery loves company.' But, Yuki had always found that phrase lacking in something essential. Thinking to himself…taking in Hatori's guilt and final defeat…the phrase seemed to need more. 'Misery loves company…that is also miserable.' And how he would make Hatori suffer.
Take what's mine, take what's mine, mine...
Take what's mine, take what's mine, take what's mine,
This is mine, mine, mine…
Never again would he be separated from his lover's embrace. Ever. That was now his promise.
A/N: Lyrics featured in this chapter are from the song, "The Package" by A Perfect Circle.