'Twas the night before the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring...
CRASH!!! "Yowzers!!!"
...except that miscreant zombie, Anth.
He stands at a fine 3 ft. 6 in., quite small, considering his 12-year old visage. Quite intelligent, he has created several known inventions. He's constructed some sort of wonders, too. Like his lab, the one he was in right now.
And right now, he has apparently tripped over and knocked a few things off of his table, spilling unknown chemicals on the floor. A mouse came and drank some, only to turn into a chinchilla. "Well, at least I know that that evo-potion prototype works," Anth said, "but I really expected that rodent to turn into Paris Hilton..."
It was at that moment that his phone rang. With the flick of his nigh-nimble wrist, he flung it into the air, caught it, then sat down on an armchair.
"Heeeeeellllllo. Anth M. Southworth speaking," he spoke into the age-old decorated phone, "may I ask who this is?"
"Heya, Anth," said the voice from the phone.
"Hey, you two, Scratch, Grounder! Soooooo, how's the trip to Hawaii?"
"Okkkkaaaayyyy..."
"You didn't rust, did you?"
"A little..."
"You pissed off a Tiki god, didn't you?..."
"Well...you might say that..."
Inside a volcano in Hawaii...
"I am the Wiki-Tiki! Behold! 90 of my encyclopedic knowledge is submitted by 30-year old nerds who don't have a life!" said an enormous Tiki that spoke to a tied up Scratch and Grounder.
"We're just having a luau..." said Scratch into a cell phone. "'Luau?'" spake Grounder, "we're hanging from the ceiling above lava! And you're calling this a luau?"
Back at Anth's lab...
"Just say his name forward, then reverse it. Like, Billy-Bob, Bob-Billy. That should shut him up."
"Tha-" they both said at the other end, but Anth interrupted them from that line by hanging up.
"I get the signal there," said Anth, "but now it's time to-"
The phone rang again. Repeating his greetings, he was met with a different voice. One that he did NOT know.
"Ummm...hello?" was the voice. It was female, with a slight hint of sincerity in it. "um, yes. I...I think I have a small problem..."
"Well, your problem is no problem for me, miss...say, can you tell me your name?"
"Well," said the girl, "my name is Elise."
"Elise!?!" It was seldom that Anth was surprised, and actually showed it. "Like, Soleanna princess Elise!?! This IS an honor!" Anth attempted a salute, but instead bashed his own head with his hand in the process. A tiny dent was inflicted into his forehead, but it almost instantly regenerated, almost like it never happened.
"What does Lady Elise want with me, eh?" asked Anth into the phone.
"Well," said the red-head from the other line, "every year here in Soleanna, Christmas comes, and um, well, everyone argues about whether or not Santa is real. And before you say anything, let me explain..."
"Certainly."
"Since we honor a different god from most of the world, we have different beliefs. In a way...even our view of Santa is...well, it cannot be neglected. Also lately, there have been reports that bombs have been going off inside of presents that come unexplained."
"And you need me to go investigate then, is that it?"
"Yes! But uh, I mean, if it's not too much trouble...I just heard about you, in a dream I mean."
"That's kinda weird, but ok. No job is too difficult for me!"
"Also, one last thing..."
"Yeah?"
"Well...nevermind. Please, you must hurry to the North Pole!"
"No problem!" Anth slammed his phone down on the table where it belonged. "Now, I've got a job to do!"
A few minutes later...
Anth was reading a very accurate book concerning myths. It was titled, "Fairy Tale Truths", by the very popular--and very secret--Archsage/Vice President Al Gore.
"'Santa Claus is the most elusive and stealthy of the myths. Able to be there, in plain sight, yet you could not see him. That is the myth,'" Anth read, "'He--or perhaps a--Santa lives at the North Pole, inside a castle made completely of ice.' Wow, who knew that Vice Prez. Gore was such a genius in the magical arts? Oh well. Off to the North Pole I go!"
At the North Pole...in front of the Ice Palace of Santa...
"This is the place! Santa's Snow pad!" said Anth. Not feeling a thing, as all zombies do when it comes to ice and snow, he wore only his all-purpose blue lab coat, unbuttoned at the top, his brown shoes, and a scarf and stalking cap, just to make it look more convincing.
"Tally ho ho!" exclaimed the zombie. He marched whole-heartedly, straight into the doors, which he expected to open when he got near. He got back up, then looked at the runes embedded on the door.
For those of you who seek this place, must embed me the keys to open. The Hammer, The Watch, and the Light of the Valar.
The Guy who Built this Damn Door.
P.S.: So what if it doesn't rhyme?
"Gee," said Anth, looking high up at the massive door, "And I thought all signs like these rhymed. Hmmmm...The hammer, the Watch, and the Light of the Valar...I know where to get those! To Outworld!"
In the realm of Outworld...
The Evil Lord of Outworld--Shao Khan--sat upon his mighty throne, pondering whatever place he should conquer next. His everflowing red cape was at a standstill today. His Outworld guards were coughing. Nothing to do today.
But Lord Khan ALWAYS had something to do! His half-skull mask covering whatever expression Shao Khan would have at this time...whatever expression that is.
He was about to get up when his door (a very massive one) was bursted open. An entire unit of his elite bodyguards all had their hands around something that was easily walking, despite the fact that this creature was much smaller then they were. Eventually, all of the bodyguards were thrown off.
Indeed, Anth was under all that, with no explanation as to how he was that strong (or maybe the bodyguards were all little girlie men).
Shao Khan of Outworld did not take this lightly like any fool would. Whoever this guy was, he got past the traps, the soldiers, and even his Blast-o-matic 1000. Lousy piece of junk.
"I challenge you, stranger, to..." Shao Khan threw his cape off. "MORTAL KOMBAT!!!!"
Anth stood in his usual position--just standing there. "Technically, that's not possible," corrected Anth, "I'm not mortal..."
"You dare insult me, boy!?"
"'Boy?' I'm 29!"
"Who cares? You're dead!"
The mighty warlord brandished his hammer, spun it around, then threw it at Anth. It knocked his head off, which Anth used to throw at Shao Khan.
The bad news, it was a little off target.
The good news is, that would happen to be his crotch.
Shao Khan fell to his knees in pain, growling all the way. Then he collapsed. The Mortal Kombat guy then says, "Anth Wins." Then, "Flawless Victory". And finally, "Fatality."
He had the hammer, and so, Anth made like a banana and SPLIT!!!
Next was the Light of the Valar. Experts (or idiots) would know this to be Gandalf himself, so it was off to Middle-Earth.
Anth snuck through the heavy bushes and falls of The Shire in search of the White Wizard. With a route of Gandalf's usual walking paths, Anth made a trap to catch him. Gandalf would come, trip the wire, causing a barrel that would oil him up, then he'd slip, thus, Anth could catch him.
That failed very fashionably. Anth felt the wire trip, but it was not Gandalf that came, but Bilbo Baggins. That sucked. Poor little Hobbit.
Next was different; this time, he tied a banana to a rope. It was so high up, only Gandalf was tall enough to get it.
That plan failed, too.
This time, when Anth checked to see who it was, Shao Khan had the whole thing in his mouth. The bait was taken, and Shao Khan was uplifted into the tree. Not wanting to be taken prisoner, Anth knocked Shao Khan far away with his own hammer.
Now, it was personal (though I'm not quite sure HOW).
This time, Anth took his DVD box of "Borat's Best Hits" and strung it under a box that was over a pit that was filled with wild unicorns. The unicorns would make him fall asleep, I guess...I hope...
Anth hid in the nearest bush. Waiting in silence, he...gee, can't think of a word.
"Any minute now, he'll take the bait."
A moment passed.
"He won't find me hiding in here, either."
"Why are we hiding?"
"Because we're-" started Anth. Wait, he didn't bring anyone with him! He turned from the bush to the wizened old face of Gandalf The White.
"Is that Borat?"
"Gandalf!?!" expressed Anth, "but, you can't be Gandalf! He's coming right this way!"
"I can't? That's not fair!"
Sure enough, A white wizard took the bait: Saruman. The unicorns beat the living s out of him.
Gandalf looked down the pit at Saruman's predicament. "Ohhhh...that's unexpected," said Gandalf.
"Nah," said Anth, "he has that coming."
With the Light of the Valar with him, Anth and Gandalf went to the final person; the wielder of the watch, Jimmy Fallon.
Just outside his apartment door--disguised as janitors--Gandalf and Anth thought up a plan. Well, it would have happened. But Shao Khan made another attempt at revenge. Gandalf foresaw this, and beat him down with his staff of white. Tying him up, Gandalf and Anth decided to hurry and just burst the door down with the Shao Khan-turned-battering ram.
It worked quite well.
Jimmy Fallon--along with the watch that they need--was sitting on a couch, watching re-runs of shows and appearances he's been on.
Anth jumped up into the air, did a somersault, and landed on Jimmy. They got into a big fight and stuff.
The zombie came out on top.
"Now where's the guy who has the damn watch?" asked Anth, with Fallon in one hand, his other raised in the air.
I know, I know, this is short; at least, that's what YOU think (Hey, I only had little more then a few days to make this!). You must learn to think with your kidneys.
Gandalf and Anth arrived back at the Ice Palace, with naught but a few hours before Santa would have to deliver the presents. Gandalf levitated all three of the items (the staff, the hammer, and the watch) into the air. They all came together:
Staff within the Hammer...
Watch around the Staff...
Hammer that holds All...
The powerful Christmas Toy Hammer That Can Tell You the Time! (Note: There's an actual toy like this, though it's more of a key chain)
"Wow," said Anth, "real kinky, now let's get inside, I'm psyched!
Inside the Ice Palace...
Gandalf strode beside Anth, taking in the beauty of the Palace--it was made entirely of ice and stuff! "Say..." said Gandalf, "do you think Santa really exists?"
"Hmm..." thought Anth, "well, not really. If there WAS a Santa, there would be only 98 chance of that."
"And of the remaining 2?..."
All of a sudden, all of the windows and exits were barred up. Nice looking stuff turned evil looking, and all of the "elves" working there shed their skin, revealing evil robot elves.
"...Santa is really an evil robot called 'Santron', hell-bent on world domination," whirred Anth. "Terrific."
A few minutes later, Gandalf and Anth were imprisoned in a cage of icy iron. It shocked Anth when he tried to touch it...several times had he tried.
Shock! "Ow," Shock! "Ow," Shock! "Ow," complied Anth. He poked the bars every couple of seconds for no reason. "How long are you going to do that?" asked Gandalf, to which Anth replied, "Until I think of a plan to get us out of here."
"I'm sure we should wait until we find a chance."
"Whadda ya think I'm doing?" Shock! "Ow."
As if to answer that question, a massive (BIG BIG BIG!!) monitor was illuminated. A throne was visible. On top the ghastly throne sat what could be assumed to be Santron, an evil-looking robot that obviously resembled Santa (except he wasn't obese).
His sharp-looking, beak-like head swiveled from side to side as he spoke (yes, I'm sure the robot is a he) his words. "Life-forms detected. Identify yourselves immediately," said Santron.
"I am Gandalf the White, Santron," introduced the wizard. "And I'm," stated Anth, "Anth M. Southworth. Are you going to deliver the presents soon, I've got a job to do..."
"Nonsense!" burst forth Santron, his evil green eyes glowing, "my sole purpose is to utilize my gimmick into the hearts of the people, then make them hate 'Santa' so much, Christmas will disappear from existance."
"Wait...you mean, Santa is real?"
"Affirmative. Observe."
Santron pushed a button on his chair, revealing the larger then life Santa, suspended above a pit full of Quantum Singularity. Funny titled.
"Ho ho ho," so spake Mr. Claus, "those two are more then you know! He will beat you, Robot Monster! You won't win, no matter what you conjure!"
Anth and Gandalf stared in frightful wonder, as the real live Santa Claus really existed!
"He's real! And he rhymes!" commented Gandalf. "If I were alive," stared Anth, "I would've almost peed my pants!"
"Negative!" replied Santron, his fake beard flowed with metallic construction, "I have captured you. And them, as well. It is futile. Christmas will disappear...forever."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" said Luke Skywalker, out of sheer nowhere. But, he disappeared, just as mysterious as he had came.
"You bastard!" said Anth. "Stand back, Fall-apart person! I shall blast us through!" said Gandalf.
"Haven't been called that in a while..." murmured Anth.
The White blasted a hole through the icy-cold bars with a blast of his Light. They were free! Yay!
"The Valar runs against you, Santron!" announced Gandalf with heroism, "you have no place in this lifetime!"
"Yeah! What he said!"
"Very well! Behold, my power!" said Santron. He jumped all the way from the throne to Gandalf, and attempted a very powerful punch. However, Gandalf shielded himself with Anth. "Light of the Valar, huh?" said Anth, Santron's hand right through his gut. Santron pulled back, Anth still attached, and tried to fling him off.
How ineffective THAT was.
"Woah woah woah woah woah!!!" shook Anth.
Eventually, though, Santron just decided to rip him in half and tossed him into a closet. Coming out, he had a pair of Flicky-printed underwear on his head. Stating that this was all too familiar, he tossed it aside. He put himself together and searched around for the Hammer of Shao Khan.
Meanwhile, Gandalf battled the super villain. Santron was made almost entirely of adamantium, an extremely hard alloy. Gandalf's magic proved somewhat an equal to the armor.
And of course, Santron avoided the Hammer of Shao Khan. That hammer is know to have destroyed the strongest steel! And who knows what else?
Santron, of course, was strong himself. He could spin on his legs, launch his fists, and shoot those laser beams from his eyes.
Ah, the classic laser eye beams. Gandalf raised his staff and blocked the lasers. Gandalf tried a typical Magic blast at Santron, but only succeeded in knocking him back.
'He's tough...' thought Gandalf, 'I must try...the Hammer!' "Anth, give me the hammer!"
"I'll try," said Anth, "this thing's heavier then no tomorrow!"
"Do it, anyway!"
"Ok!"
Swinging it around, Anth spin-threw the hammer at Gandalf...missed...and it hit Santron where his crotch should be.
"You fools," said Santron, "I am now going to leak coolant. We will all die!"
Anth pouted. "Ahhh crap..." he said.
. (Note: Periods might actually help seperate parts of the story)
Anth and Gandalf hurried to free Santa before Santron would explode from leaking coolant (Anth estimated that they had 5 minutes, at best). Realizing Santa was too heavy, Anth pushed him down and Gandalf and Santa rode on Anth like a sled.
"I thought you said that I pushed Santa down?" complained Anth.
Well, that's because you accidentally pushed him unto yourself.
"That's...not unlike me."
Santa and Gandalf had fun sledding down the hill of the Ice Palace on top of Anth.
"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!" the old men whe'd.
The Ice Palace of the evil robot Santron exploded, taking the robot elves, the Quantum Singularity, and Santron himself with it.
The trio arrived at the factory of ol' Saint Nick. The REAL one. It was all...fruity. Anth left soon afterward, claiming that it wasn't in his taste.
Summoning his ship--the Black Mobile--he waited for a bit for that to happen.
Anyway, he pulled out his cell phone and punched in a number. Alongside the number were a few pictures of Santa Claus doing magic stuff...as well as Santa's secret cell phone number!
"Heelllllllloooooo! Elise? Yes, I'd like to speak to 'THAT' particular Elise," Anth said into his cell phone. "Hello?" came Elise's voice, "this is Elise. May I ask-"
"It's me! Anth M. Southworth! Ya know, the guy you asked to take care of your Santa crises?"
"Oh, yes. Umm...do you have...proof of Santa?"
"Indeed I do! I've got pics, his number, the works. It's Christmas Eve still. He'll stop by soon. Personally."
"Thank you ever so much. Is there any way I can repay you?"
"Heh, not really. Consider it my Christmas present to you, Miss Elise! Now, what was that other thing you wanted to say?"
"Well...it's not much, really, but..." Elise hesitated, but then said, "I feel as if I've met someone before...but...it's not like it's deja vu or anything. It's more like...the wind is speaking to me..."
"I'll look into it," said Anth, "in the meantime, I think I'll drop by after Santa comes to talk about that. The wind talking is an unusual sign, but it's not like it hasn't been encountered before. I'll be bringing a friend, too, who'd like to meet you!"
"Oh? Well, can I ask his name?"
"His name...is Sonic. Sonic the Hedgehog."
Anth winked.
Scratch and Grounder finally make it out of the volcano alive. Or, "operating" would be more like it. "How ironic," said Scratch, coughing all the way, "how Anth gets to the coldest place on Earth, and we end up on the hottest place on Earth! Eh wow!"
"I know," said Grounder, "but we defeated the Wiki-Tiki, that's something!"
"Yeah, AFTER we said his name forward and backward. Wiki-Tiki, Tiki-Wiki! We had it wrong the whole time! Dummy!"
"Hey, you were the one who suggested that we use Wiki-Tiki, Wonka-Willy!"
"Only after you said Wiki-Tickle, Wonka-Dough!"
"Nuh uh!"
"Ya huh!"
The two began to bicker, all the way back to the boat.
THE END!!!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!! (From LegendaryWeresheep!)