Disclaimer: I own nothing, not the characters, not the original song (thank God). Tolkien's probably turning over in his grave as it is.
The orc drooped, leaning on his spear. With a weary glance at the iron-bound door, he mumbled, "'Ow much longer is 'e gonna sleep?"
All of a sudden the door flew open, and Sauron fluttered out. Flinging himself on the dumbstruck orc, he squealed, "It's invasion day!" before bounding away with utter euphoria written on his face.
"Darkness 'elp us, 'e's at it again," the orc muttered, rubbing his forehead.
Sauron was jubilant. He looked all about the dark fortress as he dashed through the corridors.
"The forges are burning, hammers clang
The Balrogs are sharpening their fangs
Who knew we had so many orcs in store!"
He flew into the open barracks, startling the orcs inside.
"For years I've roamed these gloomy halls
Why have a dungeon with no thralls
Finally we're going off to war!"
"Look out!" an orc yelled as Sauron dove headfirst into the armory. Helmets bounced out the door amid the cacophony of falling swords. Sauron struggled to free himself from the massive troll mace that had him pinned to the floor, still singing.
"There'll be actual blood in these battles
So brilliant red and bright
But wow! Am I so ready for this fight!"
An obliging troll lifted the mace, and Sauron shot off like a rocket. He jumped out a window and saved himself from certain death by grabbing a gargoyle's ankles and swinging back and forth.
"'Cause for the first time in forever
There'll be screaming, there'll be pain
For the first time in forever
All our rivals will be slain!"
He paused in thought as a new worry took hold of his mind.
"Should I use the whip or the halberd?
It'll be bloody either way!"
With a grin he kicked high and scrambled onto the window ledge above him.
"'Cause for the first time in forever!
I'm free to kill and slay!"
He whooped and hopped down from the ledge, scooting along passages to the werewolf pits.
"I can't wait to kill everyone!
What if I kill – The One?"
Giggling, he pranced along the edge of a pit, arms outstretched. Firelight from choking torches illuminated the scarlet tattoos on his face, arms, chest, and stomach, and for a moment he looked about as fiendish as he liked to believe he was.
"Tonight, imagine me, sword in hand
Laying waste across the land
The very picture of infernal grace!
Oof!"
He stumbled and fell into the pit.
"I suddenly see him standing there
Eonwë, so unaware
I wanna smash my fist into his face!"
Two orcs blinked, their faces passive, as the Maia's voice lilted up to them from fifteen feet below. A werewolf, curious as to the sudden intruder in its pit, sniffed Sauron's hair before licking his face vigorously. Spluttering, Sauron attempted to push the werewolf away and kept singing.
"But then I torture him all evening
Till he screams for me to stop
Till my ears feel like they're going to pop!"
Sauron exploded from the pit, utter rapture bursting inside of him.
"For the first time in forever..."
The orcs flattened themselves as Sauron sailed over their heads.
"There'll be burning, there'll be blood!
For the first time in forever..."
The Maia slammed into a pair of closed gates, smashing a hole through them and sprawling on the floor on the other side.
"Death will sweep in like a flood!"
Gothmog peeled Sauron off the floor and set him back on his feet.
"And I know it is totally crazy,"
Sauron confided to the Balrog.
"To dream it'll stay this way!
But for the first time in forever..."
Gothmog bopped Sauron on the head to shut him up and stomped away. Sauron staggered, holding his head, but by that time nothing on earth would make him stop singing.
"At least I've got today!"
High above him, a desolate figure leaned on his elbows at a window, gazing out at the sky, blackened with volcanic spume. Morgoth sighed and turned big puppy eyes on his lieutenant skipping about in the courtyard far below. The Vala's ridiculously massive amount of bone-white hair whirled about his shoulders, and he attempted to blow a strand away from his face, resulting in it just getting stuck in his mouth. He clawed it away and and sighed again.
"Don't let them in
Don't let them see
Be the dark lord you always have to be
Be cruel
Misrule
Keep your harsh glance
Or they'll find out
You read cheesy romance."
"You read cheesy romance?" an orc attendant asked, unsure if he had heard correctly.
"SHHH!" Morgoth whirled about. "I – I never said that!"
The orc tilted his head to one side and squinted at the paperback novel on the windowsill. "The Tale of Tinúviel –"
Morgoth snatched the book up and hurled it out the window. From far below came a yelp, and Sauron's singing broke off abruptly. The orc jumped. Morgoth turned a long-suffering look on him. "Get out. Please."
The orc left.
With a murderous glare at the door, Morgoth turned back to the window. "Anyway," he muttered.
"But I'm bound to stand in might –"
Sauron sang back up at him.
"The world will know our might!"
Morgoth raised his voice.
"Though I hate to slay and smite –!"
"Can't wait to slay and smite!"
"Tell the orcs it's time to go –"
Morgoth flung open the door and found himself face-to-face with the same orc of earlier. They stared at each other, neither knowing what to do, until Morgoth realized he need to finish his line.
"To fight!"
"To fight!"
Sauron echoed. He waved cheerily at his lord's window far above, disregarding the fact that Morgoth was no longer standing there to see him. His chest swelled as he made ready to burst into song once more.
"For the first time in forever..."
Morgoth slammed his hands over his ears to block out the Maia's happiness.
"Don't let them in, don't let them see..."
Sauron danced around a bewildered Elf slave.
"I'll get the war I'm dreaming of!"
Morgoth stalked down the corridor.
"Be the dark lord you always have to be!"
Sauron gave the slave a cookie and bopped him on the head.
"A chance to change my boring world!"
"Be cruel..."
"A chance to wreak full doom!"
"Be cruel, misrule, don't read romance!"
Pointedly ignoring the distress in the Vala's lyrics, Sauron vaulted up a tower, his sandals clattering on the black stones.
"Middle-earth will fall tomorrow!
So the war'll be fought today!
'Cause for the first time in forever
For the first time in forever..."
Sauron reached the top of the tower and lifted his face to the sky.
"Nothing's in our waaaaaaay!"
And he promptly fell off the tower. Morgoth watched his lieutenant plummet earthward, a mildly interested expression on his face. His gaze dropped to the forlorn speck lying on the ground, all that remained of the cheesy romance novel. He lost sight of it in the cloud of debris generated by the shock wave that reverberated through the earth and fortress walls when Sauron hit the dust, and he sighed.
Invasion day might have to be postponed.
I can't believe I just wrote that... I hope you enjoyed it.