To Have Pepperoni or Mushroom?
A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction by DJGEEK
Cast:
Kuno - babbling idiot, university student, and amateur samurai extraordinaire
Ranma - a jock, and martial artist
Kodachi - twisted sister of Kuno, and university's top gymnast
Narrator - The one who telleth the story
Narrator: The scene takes place in a university dorm room in Japan. Here, we encounter a young man of 18, who is spouting senseless words that he calls poetry. Soon, hunger will strike.
Kuno: Blah, blah, blah… blah, blah, blah…
(stomach groans)
Kuno: Heaven's forth, what is this I say? This beast of hunger in me is in need of sustenance!
(Kuno opens a small refrigerator, labeled as "Thy Royal Pantry", and finds out there's no food)
Kuno: Zounds! Thy pantry hath been cleared out by filthy demons of Hunger!
Narrator: Then Kuno ruffles in his pocket. He finds a coupon for Aimo's Pizza. Hey, it's a deal! Get a mushroom or pepperoni pizza for 560 yen! What a steal for a meal! Ahem…
Kuno: Zounds! It's a pizza deal! It's a mushroom or pepperoni pizza deal!
Narrator: Duh.
Kuno: (In thought) What shall I have, the mushroom pizza, or the pepperoni pizza? While the mushroom is as complex in my palate and the pepperoni a feast for the meat-lovers eyes, I must choose either one. This valuable pizza deal, brought by the blessings of the gods, tells me I must choose either one. Should I choose the exotic, cheesy mushroom pizza? Or should I choose the rich, meaty pepperoni pizza to satisfy my lusty hungers? Hmmm… what shall I choose…
(knock… knock… knock…)
Kuno: Gods damn you! Who is thy man that dares to interrupt mine thoughts!?
Ranma: A… yo… it's me… Ranma…
Narrator: Ranma enters Kuno's "lair".
Ranma: What's up man?
Kuno: Ye gods! For what purpose hast thou intrude in my abode and hath interrupted my thinking?
Ranma: …uh…
Kuno: Speak, knave!
Ranma: Uh… yeah… I left my bag yesterday from playing poker…
Kuno: Ah… that pathetic game you call poker… no doubt you hath cheated…
Ranma: Hey… I did not…
Kuno: (interrupts) Silence knave, your bag and provisions are sitting on my couch. Retrieve them.
Ranma: Uh… okay, whatever… geez…
Narrator: Ranma grabs his stuff and heads toward the door.
Kuno: Wait! Stand thy ground peasant!
Ranma: Geez! What is it this time!? I told you, I don't know…
Kuno: (interrupts) Silence cur! Wait 'til I ask the question!
Ranma: Whatever… shoot.
Kuno: Tell me Ranma, would thou choose the exotic mushroom pizza, or the lusty, meaty pepperoni pizza?
Ranma: Hmm… gee… I dunno… I guess the mushroom pizza. I mean, I love the cheese on the pizza, and the meat somehow don't taste that good with cheese. If I wanted meat, I'd get a beef pot… but also, I like mushrooms, they taste pretty good, and probably taste well with other…
Kuno: (interrupts, again) Thank you sir! Away! Away from my manor, away!
Ranma: Geez… fine… goodbye…
(Door slams shut)
Kuno: This peasant advises me to purchase the delicate mushroom pizza. Should I trust him? Perhaps he may be right, perhaps he may be wrong. But I must decide on one final conclusion… The mushroom, or the pepperoni? I have such cravings for that wondrous, foreign pastry, but yet I have to choose betwixt either of the toppings! Oh… inhuman beast of Hunger and Temptation! If thou were a real demon, I shall smite thee with my blade of Justice! I will…
(window smash)
Kuno: fix the window that twisted sister of mine hath broke…
Kodachi: Oh ho ho ho ho! My dear brother, I'm here to cease your incessant rantings. Nearly half the university can hear you, you know.
Kuno: Watch thy tongue sister, I'll not put up with your insults.
Kodachi: Whatever brother dear, seeing there's no problem, off I go!
(Kodachi tries to exit, but hears her brother whine)
Kuno: (whining) Alas! I cannot choose!
Kodachi: What's the matter brother?
Kuno: Leave me with my thoughts alone sister, it is something that needs to be done.
Kodachi: What is it brother?
Kuno: Kodachi, I request thy opinion, would thou purchase the mushroom pizza or the pepperoni?
Kodachi: Hmmm… let me see…
Kuno: Quickly answer! Time is of the essence!
Kodachi: Well, bleh, I hate mushrooms, they're so bland. I would choose the pepperoni. Why, it is a delicious meat. I like to sink my teeth on that juicy, tender, crispy, salty, meat like I like to sink my teeth on my beloved Ranma's flesh, hot, steaming… oh, I forgot! I must win the heart of my beloved Ranma! Farewell, brother dear! Oh Ranma, I'm coming for you!…
(Door slams shut. For a while, a scream of horror can be heard.)
Narrator: Ouch.
Kuno: No doubt that's my sister trying to seduce that cur…
Kuno: On with subject. My twisted sister advises the pepperoni against the mushroom. But I want something different. I wouldst eat the mushroom to satisfy my foreign desires, but there's something else, I crave the pepperoni! I must also satisfy my meaty desires! But which? Oh how temptation is wrought upon me… I CANNOT DECIDE! I MUST HAVE THEM BOTH!
Narrator: Hey idiot…
Kuno: moi?
Narrator: Yeah you…
Kuno: You send for me?
Narrator: Yep… let me say this, you are to choose one, and only one! Can you not get that?
Kuno: But I can't! I cannot choose! The pepperoni or the mushroom, I cannot decide! I can't stand this! Arrrgh!
(Kuno tears the …uh… coupon)
Narrator: Well, that was a waste of good pizza deals…
Kuno: (keeps on tearing) Arrrgh! Evil coupon! Thou art the Demon of Temptation and Hunger in disguise! Take that, and that, and that, and that! HA! I have smitten thee!
Narrator: Kuno looks around exhausted and confused. His stomach growls again.
Kuno: Now what's for lunch…
Er…
T H E E N D?