Disclaimer: I don't own The National Enquirer (thank God!), Titanic, Gwen Stefani's "Holla Back Girl", Teen Vogue, or Starbucks. I guess I'll have to get over it...
It was like any other day for NYC habitant Lena Econo, 17. Stopped at StarBucks for breakfast and had the usual frappuccino and cranberry-nut muffin. Then, she stopped at the news-stand to grab a copy of Teen Vogue magazine. When she was walking down the harbor, she made a shocking discovery!
The body of Titanic captian E.J. Smith was found doing a back stroke in the water! She ran to the nearest person and told him to take a picture of this ancient man of the sea.
"I totally freaked out! The old geezer was singing the song 'Holla Back Girl' by Gwen Stefani. It was totally freaky! I screamed at him to go get a make over. But the old geezer kept on singing, 'This s is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S"
The photographer who wishes to remain anonymous said only this, "Dude... old guys in the water singing are cool... whoa..." It is very obvious that this anonymous person was not fully awake or just had crystal meth.
Later, Lena took the captian to our National Enquirer headquarters to be interviewed.
Interviewer: So, captian, how did you survive the sinking of the Titanic?
Captian: Uhhhh... I don't know.
I: There must be some way! You must remember!
C: Uhhhh... nope, I got nothin.
I: Sigh> Let's try this again... How did you survive the sinking!
C: Looks over in distance> What's that box-like thing-a-majigg on your wall? And it has moving pictures! Cool!
I: Very Angrily> ANSWER THE QUESTION GOD D IT! SON OF A B!
After the captian refused to answer the question, Lena took the captain to her great-great grandpa's house to
have a good look at the old man of the sea.
Lena's grandfather, Romano Papadopalis, was a survivor on the Titanic and said only this to the captian: "Holy S, you're old!"
The captian got angry and punched Papadopalis in the face. Papadopalis kicked the captian in the appendix and slapped him a couple of times. The captian's heart finally gave out after 50 minutes of fighting and was pronounced dead at 3 a.m. this morning. 30 seconds later, the captain sprung back to life because the coroner was drinking lemon tea. And I quote: "OH MY GOODGOD! LEMON TEA, MY FAVORITE!"