Title: Mind of Bakura

Rated: R

Summary: Rip off of Mind of Mencia and The Chappelle Show, features Bakura as the insane host, Atemu and Marik as Rockstars, Malik/Ryou gayness, Bill Clinton, some lime for good measure, mad crossovers, and a lot of minor drug use. Not for kids.

Episode 1

A couple of Egyptians were sitting around in front of a white background playing the traditional, 'Na na na nana nana nana na' tune.

Bakura (Egyptian Bakura, y'know, tan with the scar on his cheek) walks onto the scene in his black trenchcoat. He looks calmly at the Egyptians and then pulls a butcher knife out of his coat.

"DIE BYZATCHEX!" Bakura yells as he pounces on one of them, and starts stabbing and slicing him up.

"WTF?"

"THAT DUDES CRAZY!"

"RUN FOR YOUR LIFES!" the other guys scream before running off stage.

Bakura stands up, drenched in blood and organs, frowns and says to the camera, "I'm not some stereotypical piece of shyt! Here's the theme song, punks!"

H-(official Saint H page break)

Atemu (also Egyptian) and Marik both have electric six string guitar. They standing in front of a corner that has hookers on it.

"He's Bakura!"

"He's fucking nutz!"

"He likes to kill people!"

"And hang out with slutz!"

"IT'S THE MIND OF BAKURA!"

H

Bakura walks out onto the floor from backstage, wiping blood off his shirt. The crowd cheers and applauds.

"Hi everybody its-"

"Take my Virginity Kura-Chan!"

"We Love you Kura-chan!"

"Take my daughters virginity Kura-Chan!"

Bakura just stood there, smiling and waiting for the applause to die down.

When they finally did die down Bakura brought the microphone up to his lips with a grin, "Wow, y'know I think I'll take some of you up on your offers." he smiled devilishly.

"Do me up the ass Bakura!" Honda yelled from the crowd.

"No." he responded.

"Alright well, first I'd like to get the whole series started by clearing up some stereotypes about different races." Bakura started, "White guys always talk about how big their dicks are right? And the blacks always say once you do black you never go back. Well I decided to send a team of Cockologists to find out which race has the biggest penis. What they come up with was this chart." Bakura says as a couple guys in lab coats wheel a chart out from backstage.

It has three dicks on it, going up to certain heights.

"Alright now the little yellow dick is the Asians, and it turns out that they're the smallest, on average they have about two inches of hot dick to offer to you ladies. The white dick is obviously the white man and they fall in the middle, on average they've got about six inches. And the black dick averages at about eight inches."

The black people in the crowd 'holla' their approval. Asians guys, including Yuugi, Jou, and Honda, put bags over their heads, and white guys just sit there and smile like retards.

"But wait, wait, there is one more but we couldn't fit it on the chart with the others, lets show em that one."

A few more guys in lab coats wheel out a humongous tan dick and place it by the chart.

"As it turns out we Egyptians have the biggest dicks. The average Egyptian cock is about seven stories high." he said, a maniacle grin on his face.

Everyone roars with laughter, Atemu and Marik just nod.

After the laughter dies down a british voice just says, "It's true." Everyone looks over to see Ryou sitting on Malik's lap.

Audience: (O.O'')

Bakura just coughs and says, "I swear that isn't my aibou."

"Anyway, here on the Mind of Bakura we like to do live skits as well as previously taped ones. What about you ask? Well, mostly about other anime, western cartoons, and just dumb stuff that happens in real life. So here's our first skit." the Tomb Robber says, pointing to the screen.

H

Bakura, dress in an Inuyasha costume, is walking along with Marik, dressed as Kagome, and they seem to be talking about something.

"I can't believe you talked me into this." Marik mumbled.

"Hey, quit whining, you're on T.V." Bakura mumbled back.

"Dressed as a schoolgirl!" Marik hissed.

"Hey, look on the bright side, maybe Anzu will get horny seeing you dressed like that." Bakura suggested.

"Really, you think?"

"No."

"FOLLOW THE SCRIPT YOU IDIOTS!" the stage hand yelled at the two.

They blinked once, and then sent to him the Shadow Realm.

"Ok, he's right though, lets get to it."

"Oh ok."

Bakura stepped into quicksand, "Ah crap, I've stepped in quick sand. Yo Kagome help a broha out."

Marik started squealing in a high girly voice, "INUYASHA!"

"What?"

"INUYASHA!"

"Hey, there's no need to yell, it's just quicksand, just give me your hand and pull me out."

"INUYASHA!"

"DUMB BITCH STOP YELLING MY NAME!"

"IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAthisisaneastereggleavetheunderlinedtextinyourreviewforafabulousprizeAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

H

Bakura just looked at the camera and shrugged. The crowd applauded.

"But that's not even what weirds me out the most about that show." Bakura began, "It's that Sesshomaru guy. First of all he wears makeup, and secondly, he's a pedophile! Y'know he screws that little Rin bitch all the time!"

"I do not." Sesshomaru stood up from the crowd and gave Bakura the DEATH GLARE OF DOOOOOOOM!

"I bet you do." Bakura responded.

"Do not."

"Do too."

"Do not."

"Do too."

"Do not."

"Do too."

"Do not."

"Do too."

"Do not."

"Do too."

"Do not."

"Do too."

"Do not."

"Why are you denying our love, Lord Sesshomaru?" Rin said dressed in a slutty hooker outfit, standing up and hugging his leg.

Sesshomaru just blushed and sat down.

Bakura sneered, "Do too. HAH! I win byzatchex!"

Anyway, we'll be back with more right after this commercial break!

H

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H

"Alright, now for my favorite part of the show, "This isn't Fucking News!"" Bakura said, pointing to the screen.

"This is a prime example of what isn't news."

A news-women for CNN is speaking, "Some New York High Schoolers may be feeling a bit heartbroken this weekend because their Prom has been cancelled."

Bakura just stands there with an open mouth. The crowd laughs.

"No! No! Don't applauded, this isn't funny, it's awful! And you guys think this is a joke! It isn't! All you net goers reading this fic, this was actually on the news! The author isn't just making this shyt up! Lets see that again!"

"… their Prom has been cancelled."

Bakura: (-.-)

"This is fucking CNN! Why do we give a flying flaming fuck about their Prom? Why?" Bakura sighs.

Crowd still laughing.

"Anyway, this is what should have been on the news."

A video of Jou naked in bed with Shizaku, also naked, both of them smoking cigarettes is shown on the screen.

"EWWWWWWW!" one audience member yelled.

"FUCKING SICK!" said another.

"Mmmm incest. Wait, wait I mean, OH GROSS!" Atemu said.

"That's right everybody, you saw it here first," Bakura started, "Jounouchi Katsuya and his sister love the incest. That's our show for today, go fuck a sheep!"

Atemu and Marik played a hard rock song and the crowd cheered as Bakura walked backstage.

Saint H's Authors Notes:

Well, if I get some reviews I'll keep this up, because honestly I really like this idea. So review, tell me what you think. I might even have Bakura respond to some reviews if I have reason to. So do like Bakura said, go fuck a sheep. Good night.