Author's Ramblings: This is what happens when your boyfriend's birthday is coming up. You get a great one-shot idea out of his gift.
--Love On A Loo Roll--
"NO! I will never again come out of this stall!"
"You've got to come out sometime, Lily!"
"Who says that I've got to?" Lily sniffed from inside the lavatory stall. "I can make up my own mind. I'm a big girl."
"Yes, that's plainly expressed in your desire to stay in the loo your whole life."
"She puts that muggle brand, Huggies, out of business, what with being a 'big girl' now," mumbled her friend Morwena from outside the stall.
"Morwena, I heard that!" she snapped, her head appearing from over the stall door to glare evilly at her friend.
"C'mon, Lily," said Alice impatiently. "It can't be that bad!"
"Yes it can," Lily replied tartly, turning her nose up at Alice.
"You're not one to talk. We need to see it to determine how bad it might be."
"It's bad. Take my word for it. I don't want to burn your eyes at the sight of it."
"Lily, it's not like we're gonna look at your bum or anything," Morwena snickered. She shut up with one of Lily's evil glares.
"Fat load of good it does, you dating Black," she growled at Morwena.
"Can't help it," she smiled. "The boy rubs off on me." Lily growled.
"Lily!" Alice exclaimed, stealing her attention back. "Get out here this instant!"
"No, mummy, you cannot make me."
"You want to see me try?" Alice asked savagely, whipping out her wand.
"Not particularly."
"Then. Get. Out. Here. Now."
"Never."
"Fine, let's play the game you so desperately want to win, Lily."
"Game? There's a game?" whispered Peter from outside the lavatory doors where he and the marauders – minus Remus because he thought listening to the girls' conversation was an 'invasion of privacy' or something hosh-posh and utter bollocks – stood.
"Probably some major shag party where they all wiggle their bums in bunny costumes," Sirius offered. James kicked him in the shins.
"I'd rather not think my future wife as a lesbian, Padfoot, if you don't mind," he growled.
"Lily," said Alice. "Let's see it, please."
"You'll laugh," Lily said.
"We will not--"
"Speak for yourself, Alice," said Morwena.
"We promise," Alice finished, ignoring Morwena's comment.
Lily debated for a minute. "Fine." She came out of the stall cautiously and slowly, deliberately not looking at her friends.
"Let's see it," said Alice.
Lily sighed and latched her fingers into the waistband of her skirt and her knickers and pulled them down slowly three inches. The words "Property of James Potter" were emblazoned on the top left corner of her bum in black lettering.
"Whoa."
"Yes, now that you've all seen the damage I shall make camp in this loo stall, thank you very--" Lily said, turning on her heel and walking back into the stall.
"No, Lily," Alice said, grabbing her friend by the hand. "You will not make camp in there. It's vile."
"I'll sanitize it."
"There's no room to sleep."
"I'll make a hammock between the walls."
"What if you put your foot in the toilet?"
"I'll put a lid over it."
"How will you take a shower?"
"I'll take a shower at midnight when no one else is in here."
"What if you lock yourself out of your stall?"
"I'll bewitch it open."
"What if someone discovers that it's your home?"
"Then I'll pack my bags and declare myself an outcast."
"How will you do your make-up in the morning? Brush your hair? Brush your teeth? How will you enjoy having the stench of a toilet on your clothes? Will you enjoy the constant sound of flushing in your dreams? What about having Myrtle coming in and stalking you?"
"I'll put a mirror in the loo with me. I'll bring my brush and brush my teeth when I take my shower. I'll magik the smell off my clothes. I'll wear ear-plugs. I'll put up a barrier of loo rolls."
Alice stared at her. "Yes, because that will work."
"I've learned about the World Wars in Muggle Studies! I can make a barrier out of loo rolls!"
"And what will you do? Make a helmet out of the toilet lid and wear it like a muggle soldier?"
"Possibly."
"Will you make weapons out of pipes and more toilet tissue?"
"If it has the right pattern, then yes."
"So this whole using-a-million-loo-rolls-as-a-protective-shield-to-save-yourself-from-Myrtle-and-have-a-padded-battle-grounds idea works for you?"
"Yes."
"Then it's positive. You've officially been brainwashed by the marauders."
Lily was in half a nod, "Ye—what? No!"
"That's the only logical explanation. Only the marauders would make a defense barrier out of loo rolls."
"You don't know that!"
"It's an easy guess."
"I have not been brainwashed by the marauders."
"You have 'Property of James Potter' on your bum, Lily. For all we know that might be the brainwashing device."
Lily glared at her friend.
"How kind of you to bring my bum into the conversation."
"Your bum is always on someone's lips for topic, Lily. Namely James Potter. But now that he owns your bum I suppose he could just come over and fondle it at any time he pleases."
"MY BUM IS NOT HIS PROPERTY!" Lily exclaimed, placing her hands on her bum protectively and clinging. "It's MY BUM!"
"And it shall always remain that way."
Lily stood in silence for a minute. "This," she said finally, "is getting way too random. So, in order to finish the deal, I'll just lock myself in this stall, like planned, so ta-ta, we'll have tea, blah blah blah, see you later." She walked into the stall and locked the door.
--
"She lives! She lives, she lives, she lives!" Morwena exclaimed the next morning as Lily entered the dormitory looking extremely unhappy.
"You are much mistaken, Morwena," she said. "I'm the walking dead."
"Oh… well, just as fun."
Lily grumbled. "Alice!" she whined. "We have a problem!"
"I can't help you with James, Lily, honestly I can't. I've tried to hex his balls into cherries already like you asked but it simply didn't work! He wears a cup!"
"No, no, not that again," Lily said. "I need you to help me with this," she said as she exposed the tattoo on her bum. "It's gotten bigger, as you can see. Unless my bum's grown in size and stretched the letters along with it."
Alice stared in shock at the tattoo.
"And you know what's worse?" Lily asked. Alice glanced at her questioningly. "You can see it through my skirt." She demonstrated her statement for Alice.
"Oh. Wow. He basically made all your clothes see-through. Clever smart, that nobhead," Alice said.
"Yes. Yes, indeed."
"Well, you'll have to go about classes today with 'Property of James Potter' clearly visible for all to see on your bum. But, did you really sleep in the loos last night?"
Lily grumbled. "Yes."
"True determination," Alice said with a nod.
"True stupidity," Lily mumbled.
--
"Professor Flitwick?" James asked, his hand in the air.
"Yes, Mr. Potter?"
"I think we need to change the seating arrangement."
"Why so?"
"Because I happen to know that my property is sitting half way across the room. I'd feel much better knowing that it was right next to me where no one could steal it."
"That's a reasonable excuse, but, er, your property? Wouldn't that just be a rock or something you young ones are into today? You could sit the rock down on the desk next to you."
"We can!" Peter interrupted. "McGonagall told me I couldn't keep Rocky in class with me!" Peter rummaged around in his bag before extracting a pet rock by the name of 'Rocky' and placing him on the desk in front of him. He patted it fondly.
"Er… yes," James said, eying his friend worriedly. "I'd like my property near me, although it isn't a rock."
"Very well, move it near you so we can continue our lesson, Mr. Potter."
James grinned happily. "Oy! Evans!" he said loudly. "Flitwick says I can have my property next to me!"
"That's very nice, Potter," Lily said from across the room, her face blushing scarlet as she tried to sink low in her seat.
"So would you kindly come sit next to me so we can continue the lesson?"
"I'm not your property, Potter," she growled.
"Fine. Then do I have to come and retrieve you myself?"
"I'm not your property, Potter," she repeated.
"You might not be my property but your bum definitely is."
Lily's face heated red to match the color of her hair. She glared daggers at him. She got up quietly and sat next to him.
"Thank you, Evans," he said, putting his arm around her.
"I'm not your property," she snapped viscously. "Keep your arm off of me."
"Okay, fine," he said smoothly. He dropped his arm a foot or so and draped it around her waist so his hand was touching her bum.
"The arm is fine," she said flatly. He smiled, satisfied, and put his arm back around her shoulders.
--
"LOO ROLL! LOO ROLL! LOO ROLL!" Lily exclaimed, running for the lavatory, with the other four girls from her dorm behind her.
"Lily, I can't believe you're being so… daring! You're a Prefect!" Alice exclaimed.
"I want revenge and this is the softest way to do it!" she said, an evil grin plastered across her face.
It was midnight and the girls were raiding all the lavatories for their loo rolls. They had plans to tee-pee the boys' dormitory.
"Loo roll!" Lily squealed as she saw another roll and dove to retrieve it. She turned to look at her friends, each one of them holding a massive amount of loo rolls in their arms. "You ready?" she asked.
"READY!" they said in unison. With a squeal they all scampered off up the stairs to tee-pee the boys' dormitory.
--
Loo roll. Honey. Silly string. Overall, Lily thought the tee-peeing went rather well.
"Take it easy around Frank, guys," Alice said. "He's never really done anything to us."
The girls kindly avoided Frank.
"Wait, guys," Alice said. "Don't be too harsh on Remus either, he never really does anything."
"Are you kidding?" Lily exclaimed. "He is the brains of the group! He tells them how to do everything!"
"In that case, go hard on him!"
"But wait!" Morwena exclaimed. "I can't tee-pee Sirius! He's my boyfriend!"
"Then I'll tee-pee him enough for the both of us," Lily said.
"Yes, me too," agreed the other three girls.
"And everyone go hard on Potter!"
And so they did. They tee-peed the entire room, wound the toilet roll around bedposts, curtain rods, shoes, trousers, everything. They uncapped the silly string and sprayed it until it was dry and it looked like a rainbow of shaving cream had rained in the dormitory. And lastly they took out the honey and drenched every boy – except Frank – with the sticky gooey substance.
Then they left, giggling as they went.
Except for finding the pre-vandalized vandalizing tool.
And hours later, Lily sat in the dormitory lavatory on the bathtub edge, staring at it curiously, reading the words on the sheets.
100 Reasons for Why I Love You
She stared at the words. She wanted to unroll it and read the reasons. She knew it wasn't addressed to her but she couldn't help it. When she spent the summers back at home she would always spend hours in the bookstore and pick up the romance books with sappy love stories. She had to read it because she didn't know what it was like. If she couldn't have her own love letters and secret admirer then she'd at least read the ones of others. She had to enjoy it somehow, even if it wasn't hers.
She sighed and pulled at the roll and began to read the reasons for why the person loved the addressee.
1. Your smile makes me smile.
Lily smiled. She couldn't help it. She had to.
9. When you're near me I can't stop thinking about us. I get butterflies in my stomach when we touch.
She grinned. It really was like a romance novel.
16. You're always there to listen; you're kind to everyone.
Whoever wrote it was probably the best boyfriend/girlfriend out there.
25. You fill my dreams every night.
She wanted to be in someone's dreams. She wanted to be loved and cared for. She wanted to be lusted after and crushed on. She wanted to be in love.
Lily sighed and rolled it back up. She'd read more later. She was tired and she wanted more than anything to sleep. She walked back into the dormitory and stuffed the toilet roll in her bedside table before yawning and climbing into bed. She closed her eyes and dreamt of the possibilities, dreaming of the person for her and the one who wanted her love.
--
The next morning there were 'manly' screams coming from the boys' dormitory. The girls walked down to breakfast, smartly avoiding the commotion. But then the boys brought the commotion down to breakfast with them.
"You knew it was one of my fantasies!"
"I did not!"
"Prongs, don't lie! You knew it was one of my fantasies and you wanted to be involved in it!"
"I'm not gay, you prick!" James hollered at his friend, drawing the attention of everyone in the Great Hall.
"Fine," said Sirius flatly. "It was you, then, wasn't it?" he asked the nearest Ravenclaw seventh year girl. "You knew it was my fantasy and you wanted to be in it, didn't you?"
"Well, actually--" she said.
"NO! It was you, my dear hot blonde!" Sirius exclaimed, striding down the Gryffindor table to one of the seventh year girls. "You knew about my fantasy, didn't--"
"Sod off, Sirius, that one night meant nothing to me and I know it meant everything to you."
Sirius scoffed. "How do you know that?"
She stared at him blankly. "Because you moaned, 'Oh, Merlin, this means everything to me,' in my ear."
"Yes, well, that was just one of my many… many… tricks! Yes, one of my many tricks!" Sirius said with a nod.
James grabbed him by his upper arm and drug him along beside him down the table.
"How do you know someone wasn't doing it for me, Padfoot, eh?" he asked.
Lily gulped and focused on her eggs.
"How do you know some red-headed girl didn't want to be in my fantasy?"
"That's sickening, Potter," Lily growled. "I'd never touch you with a fifty-foot wand."
Sirius snickered at the idea. Perverted mind.
"Evans, don't be so full of yourself," James said flatly. "Who said I was talking about you?"
Lily sputtered.
"I was talking about that nice red-head right there," he said, pointing to a girl at the Hufflepuff table. "Coming, sweetheart!" he sang to her and skipped over to where she sat.
Lily glowered. If only she knew it was all a ploy.
--
It was Saturday. She had nothing better to do. No one could blame her. In fact, it was just like reading a book. She pulled out the loo roll without feeling the slightest bit guilty. She wanted to read her novel. This was her novel.
32. When you laugh you forget people are watching and you just enjoy yourself.
That's what she wished she could do. Lily was always worried what other people were thinking of her when she'd laugh.
44. I love you because I love you.
Lily smiled. She wanted love like that.
59. How everything has to be perfect in your notes; you worry if they're not.
76. Everything you do makes me smile, everything you say makes me laugh.
84. When you're not near me I feel empty; I wish you were by my side all the time.
98. You're my one and only, my feelings for you will never change.
100. I love you. I just LOVE you.
There really were 100 reasons on the loo roll. 100 long reasons, all heart-felt and full of love. Lily couldn't stop thinking that this couple was probably one of the best couples in Hogwarts and one of the most meant-to-be. They'd probably be together forever.
But there were more sheets left. She hadn't reached the end of the roll yet. She kept reading.
You love me too, don't you? You made it to 100 and you're still reading… that's got to mean something. I know you love me. You've got to. I love you enough for both of us.
Lily stared at the words.
If you love me, follow me. Lead me. Guide me. Come to me.
She glanced up. She was tempted to do as it said, even if they weren't talking to her.
Meet me on the third floor corridor. Turn left at the statue of the old squib and walk to the twelfth window.
Lily stood up and walked. She had to see where this place was. It was probably some anniversary shrine or something that one of them had made for the other. Probably some love spot in Hogwarts.
She reached the twelfth window and continued to read.
Keep your eyes on the word and take four steps forward. Turn to the left. Take two steps to the right. Walk another eight steps.
Lily kept her eyes on the toilet roll and followed the instructions. And then she met one word for each sheet.
Do
You
Love
Me?
Please
Say
You
Do.
I
Love
You
Enough
For
Both
Of
Us.
I
Will
Always
Love
You
Even
If
You
Say
No.
Please
Think
Long
And
Hard.
Please
Consider
Everything.
But…
Lily met a long paragraph.
Lily Evans, I love you. I want you for you. I don't want you 'cause I can't have you' – I need you because I love you. I love you because you make me smile. I love you because you're everything I could ever want and ever be happy with. Please, Lily. Will you go out with me?
Her breath caught in her throat. This had been addressed to her all along. It had been for her.
There were many blank sheets of toilet roll. She unraveled them all, trying to get to the end faster than she could.
Say yes. Say yes and look up. Much love, James.
She stared at the words. No way. It wasn't possible.
But the entire time she'd read the words, tears had welled in her eyes. She'd wanted more than anything to be the person they were talking to. She wanted to be loved and cared about. She wanted the words to be for her. And they were. They really were. And James was in love with her. And she had to admit it, she loved him too.
"Yes," she said. "Yes, James, I'll go out with you. I love you. Yes, yes, yes!" She looked up. She blinked. She was staring at an empty hallway. She wasn't looking into the eyes of a happy James Potter, ready to embrace her and kiss her with happiness. She wasn't looking at what she wanted. She saw the empty hall and nothing else.
She sighed and turned around. She'd murder him. It was probably some sick trick of his. She just wanted to forget it ever happened. Her feet drug as she walked down the hall, not wanting to look up in case she ran into someone she knew. She just wanted to be left alone with her toilet roll and sob her tears into it.
"You sodding moron! You and your stupid need to tee-pee their dorm! You've made me late!"
"You're just going to wait for her to never show up! I'm saving you from heartbreak, Prongs!"
"You never know, Padfoot. She might show up."
"Whatever. I'll leave you here and your patheticness will come back to the room later tonight."
The sounds of two footsteps quickly died into one set. Lily sniffed and kept walking before running into the warm body of… James Potter.
"Lily!" he exclaimed. He glanced between her and the roll of toilet paper. "Oh, please, please, please tell me you haven't answered yet!"
"I've answered," Lily said quietly.
James cringed. "What'd you say?" he asked meekly.
"Exactly?"
"Please."
"I said, 'Yes. Yes, James, I'll go out with you. I love you. Yes, yes, yes!'" Lily sniffed.
"You did?" James asked, a large smile playing on his lips.
"Yes," Lily said quietly.
"Really?"
"Really."
"Then can I please kiss you?"
"Yuh—what?" she asked.
"Can I kiss you?" he repeated, more slowly.
Lily smiled. "Of course."
So James wrapped Lily into a hug and kept her tight with his arms around her waist and kissed her.
"Er…" James said, pulling back. "This is gonna sound odd, but, um…" he glanced at the loo roll. "Can I have that back?"
Lily stared at him. "Why?" she asked, puzzled.
"Sirius has some sort of, er, attraction to it… apparently it's his pet loo roll and he, er, wants it back."
Lily scoffed. "Really? Why?"
"He takes it into the loo with him and plays with it."
Lily screamed and dropped it. "Oh that's disgusting!"
"It's not nearly as bad as his pet hot dog--"
"Oh, swear Merlin, tell me it's a piece of meat."
"Yes, and it smells."
"And Peter's pet rock?"
"Sirius has one too."
"Gag me."
"Never. I'll just kiss you again instead."
--THE END—
Author's Ramblings: Yes, yes, another one-shot. Please review if you liked. D