Always Starting Over
In my life I never thought I'd get a second chance Thank you for finding me Am I always I'll love our children, If we're always All that has happened is happening now 'Cause we're always
I thought I was done – then I met you
And though I never dreamed I could learn how to love again
I placed my bet
And you came through
I somehow still lost
I somehow always do
This time feels new
And thank you for the care
And fuck you for making me think that this life might be fair
You promised to love me,
a promise you kept
And I won't be sorry that you said to leap and I leapt
I won't regret
What I did then
Though it hurts more than I could imagine back when
All the same, even so
I would love you all over again
Starting over?
In a brand new story
Am I always
Back at one
After all I've done?
'Cause I've burned all of my bridges
And learned every last lesson too
So how can I start new?
both fiercely and well
When they ask about you,
oh lordy, the stories I'll tell
And I won't regret the lives I didn't lead
I knew you, I loved you,
and let that be all that I need
Say that it's fate
Say it's foretold
I'm through with fighting it
I'm much too old
What the gods have to give
I'll take, and I'll live, and be bold
Starting over
Every brand-new morning
Then we're always
Starting out
With the end in doubt
We can leave life for tomorrow
Or grieve all that we thought we'd do
Or make each moment new
All that might happen is here, somehow
All of the choices that made me, me
All of the accidents yet to be
All that's ahead
And all that's behind
It's all in the moment
I make up my mind
And open my heart
And start
And start
Starting over
Every life we're living
And we're always
Just awake
Every step we take
And my love, our life is over
But love, I'll make you one last vow
To start over
And over
And over somehow
My new life starts right now!
From "If/Then" by Yorkey and Kitt
Regina Mills cradled her crying newborn daughter in one hand as the other undid the buttons of her shirt. Soon, little Zelena was sucking happily. The moon shone brightly through the edges of the nursery window's blind. She sat back in the rocking chair and looked down at her daughter's face. She was exhausted. It reminded her of when Henry was this small. Of course, it was different in some ways. This child had grown inside her. This child, she had painfully-and dramatically as it turned out- brought forward into the world and had the healing wound across her lower stomach to prove it. This child, she could feed from her own breast. But it wasn't all that different at the same time. The love for and the desire to protect the fragile new person that depended on you for everything and the frustration and even fear that you might let them down. Those was not different at all.
Of course, a lot had happened between then and now.
She studied her child. The long lashes fluttered over clear blue eyes. The snub nose, the reddish blond hair.. she was already so much like her father.
Robin..
She still ached for him, and it happened every time she could see him in her little girl. His little girl too, and he would want to know that, want to be here for her.
But he had gone with Marian, with their son. And she, Regina, hadn't known how to confront the truth: She was alone. Again.. She had tried to ignore her missing cycle, the nausea. Even toward the end, the growing girth, the flutter inside, she didn't full accept as things that were happening to her. She wouldn't have to feel that pain, if she didn't let herself believe the baby was real.
They had been concerned about her, the people she had come to think of as her family, as the nine months had unfolded. They had protected her when there was any threat-there always seemed to be, in Storybrooke. At the same time they had never made it seem as if they were treating her differently, and after all, they still needed her help.
Her son Henry, had been so patient, always coming to her with little things to try to cheer her up, taking care of the house. He had grown so fast, she could already see the man he would become. There was Emma, Mary Margaret and David too, they were always close, making sure she went to the doctor when she needed to, making sure she ate. Emma, as always, was firm, once Regina had to admit what was going on. Emma had come to talk to her about Cruella, Ursula and Maleficent. She'd heard Regina retching. She was smart enough to know what that meant. "I don't want to talk about it. Just leave me alone."
"Regina, you have come so far, too far to give up now. I'm going to make sure you take care of yourself. The rest has to be up to you. We will be here, whatever you decide you need to do."
Regina's anger had flared, she'd turned away, said nothing. Emma Swan was nothing if not hard headed. Regina had told her before. She didn't need or want Emma's pointless advice. Emma was the one who had caused all this, not intentionally but she had brought Marian back, and taken Robin away ,and nothing she could say or do could make it better.
But, and this was the most annoying thing about Emma, she was right.
Somehow, Regina did put one foot in front of the other, making it through each day.
However, as she grew larger, she felt more inert, less sure.
She hadn't known, honestly, if she would raise the child when the first contractions started.
She'd been with her family at Granny's. They'd been planning to go to the Storybrooke Fall Fair, so she told herself it didn't mean anything. But then a few more waves came.
Mary Margaret knew the signs. Quickly, she took charge of the situation. "Regina, it might be awhile yet, but I think…"
"I know. It's okay, it's fine. I think I will just go home. Get comfortable, see what happens."
She went home from Granny's, showered, found the pajamas that she could stand against her skin and put them on. She rested a little, and walked when that felt better. It was fine.
Mary Margaret waited with her. Her presence was reassuring, because she had done this twice before, and mostly because she knew what Regina needed was quiet and that she would ask or say if she needed anything.
Until a few hours had passed. By then, Regina was employing every curse she knew. Against Robin for not being here. Against the Author- this was not she had asked for and was far beyond being funny. Against Cora and Snow and her bloody Charming and damned Emma Swan..
Then, she felt the strangest pop in her core, and her lower half was wet. That shocked her back to the present.
"Sorry. About saying all those things. And your hand."
Mary Margaret rubbed the feeling back into her fingers.
"Hey, don't mention it. I think we need to go have a baby." Mary Margaret said.
24 hours later, Regina had no more strength left. She had tried but –
"I think it is a good decision Regina." The doctor told her. "The labour just isn't progressing, and the baby is showing a little distress. I know it isn't what you hoped, but we'll take good care of you both."
"I know. Just get this out of me. "
She didn't remember much after that. Later, the told her she'd had a lot of bleeding. She would have to take it easy.
She'd cut the nurse off. "What about the baby?"
"She's doing great. Got a bit tangled in her cord, is all."
"Can I see?-Regina sat up, but lay back down again when a wave of dizziness hit her.
"Whoa, let's go slow, you'll need some time still. I'll bring her to you."
She. Her. Regina processed that. Her first thought when she woke up was a burning need to know the baby was all right, more than she cared about finding out boy or girl. Well, she hadn't found out at the scan, it didn't matter to her, not really.
But.. a daughter. How was she to negotiate that, with her track record of mother daughter relationships to base on?
Then, the nurse came back. All Regina saw was the white receiving blanket with pink and blue stripes. The nurse helped Regina to raise the head of the bed. Which was more complicated than she would have thought, given the level of pain around her middle. The nurse showed her how to use the pillow to protect the wound, reminded her she could ask for medication.
Then Regina got to hold her daughter for the first time Instinctively, she undid the blanket to see her daughter's face, fingers, toes. And somehow, in that moment, nothing seemed so insurmountable. The baby opened her eyes and focused unsteadily on Regina's face. "Hi I'm your Mom,:" she spoke without knowing what she would say before it came out. "It's all new, isn't it? I'll look after you. And you've got a big brother, and actually a lot of people who are waiting to love you."
The nurse put a hand on her shoulder. Regina laughed. "Sorry. I know you must hear all that a lot."
"Hey it's why I keep coming back. I just saw your family outside. Do you feel ready for them to come in?"
"Sure. I just… could you get Henry, my son, first? I promised…"
"Okay, no problem."
Henry came in a moment later. He put his arms around her right away. "I was scared for a few minutes there Mom. I'm glad you're okay… can I… can I hold her?"
"Of course you can."
He gingerly took his baby sister to his chest.
"She's… wonderful, isn't she?"
"That's exactly the word I would use."
"What should we call her?"
"That's a tough one. I was thinking… there's something about her… how about Zelena?"
Did Henry understand? She had loved her mother.. but no. No, she could not go there. But the sister she would have liked to know better, well, that she could entertain as a family name to pass on. As much destruction as she had caused, it didn't mean there was no promise for her, if she had been able to take it.
And something of that-the good-was with this little girl, Regina knew it.
She looked to Henry's eyes. She could see he did understand.
"Yeah, yeah I like it."
And now, six weeks later, Regina was still regaining strength, still taking her large iron pill, still in pain if she moved the wrong way, if she coughed or laughed. But she knew she wouldn't take any of it back. For the first time in a long while, she felt peace. Like there was nothing she could wish for. Because it was enough, to make it here. To look forward to seeing Henry and Zelena grow up, to years in her house, in her town, to her friends who by rights never had any reason to stay at her side but had anyway. And what she didn't have, well, she would feel lonely sometimes, that would be okay, she would stand. Whatever else could happen- and something, some evil act, always did-they would all face it together.
For the first time she knew what it was like to only think of the moment. The moon, the shape and feel of her daughter's head, the warm feeling of her . The soft sounds she made as her hunger was satisfied and she was slowly drifting back to sleep. Eventually, she was able to get rest herself.
The sun was coming up when Zelena was hungry again. Henry knocked softly.
"Want me to change her?"
Regina smiled. "I won't say no to that."
She went down and started to make breakfast for them both. It was Saturday, so she began to find the ingredients for pancakes, and the cinnamon, Henry's favourite. She had them mostly mixed by the time her children joined her.
Zelena was sleeping again in Henry's arms.
Regina took her when it was time to eat. Already, she made it known she didn't like to be put down.
After breakfast, Regina noticed the piece of paper stuck in the letter slot of the front door
Sorry to do this but I didn't want to bother you.
I was wondering, if you can meet me today? I'll be at the library all day.
Belle.
Regina wondered what was going wrong now. If it was something serious Belle would have knocked.
In the afternoon. Henry said he and his friends were going out. So she packed up Zelena and her things and went to Emma and Cillian's apartment.
"Hey Regina" Emma answered the door, same as always. "Hey Zelena"
"Hi. Sorry to do this, I was wondering if I could leave her here for a little bit"
"Sure. Always could use a dose of the kidlet."
"Thanks. I won't be long."
Emma frowned. Her instincts were on the alert.
"Nothing's wrong. I thought I would try to go for a walk, maybe stop at Granny's. And stop by the library because Belle wants to see me about something."
"Oh, yeah. Well I guess that if she was in trouble, we would know it."
"Yeah, we would."
"Are you coming to dinner?"
They always had family dinner Saturday nights.
"Wouldn't miss it."
It was a warm day with a hint of autumn in it. Regina made her way, careful not to overdo it, down to the library.
"Regina, you came!"
"Well, let's say I was intrigued. What do you need?"
"Uh, nothing, nothing…but I do have a question. Some of us, we've been thinking. Now that it's been calm for awhile, and it doesn't seem like we'll be going anywhere, maybe we could think about Storybrooke and what we want out of life here. Maybe we need an election. A council, a mayor, again. They wanted me to ask you… would you run? Would you consider it? I mean, when you're feeling well again? Even in a few months, when Zelena's a bit bigger? And of course, once we had time to get some other candidates to sign up? We thought, well we wanted to ask you first, and see what you and your family thought about it."
Regina at first was blank. She had never much as thought about it, not since the curse was broken. It was frightening, too frightening, to think of taking any type of power, the potential she had to twist it, she knew only too well. She was stunned that someone else had thought of it, too, a real leap of faith because they couldn't have forgotten the Queen.
Could she do it? Not take power, but be entrusted with leadership, by the vote of the people she'd be leading? Hold the job because of her character, her ideas for the future of the town, instead of dark magic?
Maybe that would be a challenge she could undertake. And see what happened. Instead of waiting for the Author, she'd take the pen in her own hand.
"Well I am feeling stronger. And I have done the job with a small baby before. I guess, what I am saying is, you can tell them yes. Absolutely."