Title: Can't Miss Something You Never Had
Fandom: Star Wars (X-wing)
Rating: PG
Words: 1210
Notes: Pointless angst, but it got me writing again, so.
"Uncle Hobbieeee!"
Blinking, Hobbie turned his gaze to the concerned face of a bouncing dark-haired girl, standing in front of him. "...what?"
"You look sad."
"Dad says Uncle Hobbie always looks sad, Tori," the girl's older brother interrupted scornfully. He swore as the distraction allowed the computer to win his holochess game and turned his attention back to it with a sigh.
"Not this sad," Tori shot back, glaring at her brother.
"Whatever," he muttered, and cleared the board, leaving the lounge and heading for his room.
"Uh-" Hobbie offered Tori a vague smile. "I'm okay. Not sad."
"You are," she replied simply, and sat down on the couch beside him. Leaning against his shoulder, she said, "Are you sad about Daddy?"
Hobbie blinked again and, before he could stop himself, his gaze slid back to the holograph on the wall: Wes and Inyri, all dressed up and smiling for their wedding, surrounded by guests, including Hobbie in his uncomfortable "best man" suit.
"No," he said blankly, looking at Tori again.
"He's sad about you sometimes," the girl continued, snuggling in close to her "uncle".
Hobbie's stomach flipped and he looked at her, afraid to ask- "What are you talking about?"
"In the middle of the night, sometimes, he sits here, and he usually doesn't see me but he did last week and he told me secrets, and said not to tell anyone, but I can tell you cause you're his wingmate, can't I?"
Wingmate. Pulling the girl into his lap so she'd be more comfortable, Hobbie thought for a moment, then reluctantly said, "Maybe you'd better not, if he said it was a secret."
Tori looked up at him in disbelief. "But you're Uncle Hobbie. And you're his wingmate, which kinda makes you my wingmate too, right? Not s'posed to keep secrets from wingmates."
Hobbie closed his eyes and hugged her for a moment, then said, quietly, "Okay. Tell me."
With a pleased sort of smile, Tori nodded and tucked her head down again. "He was looking at that holo too-" Hobbie didn't need to ask her which one. "-and he was all sad, so I hugged him. And he said he missed you, and I didn't know what he meant cause he sees you almost every day and you've not gone anywhere."
"I miss him, too," Hobbie whispered into Tori's hair, eyes still closed and wondering why the girl was telling him this - or rather, why Wes had told her. He didn't mean what Hobbie thought- wanted- dreaded he meant, did he?
"He and Mommy'll be back soon," Tori assured him.
Hobbie smiled sadly and didn't reply to that.
"Anyway, he said that's not what he meant, and he said I was too young to understand, and I got mad cause I'm not too young, am I, Uncle Hobbie? I'm seven and a half!" She turned her face again to look up at him expectantly.
Grinning, Hobbie opened his eyes and shook his head. "Definitely not too young. Seven and a half's almost all grown up, after all."
"Right," she agreed, pleased, and continued. "That's what Daddy said when I told him, and he said it's just complicated, but I told him to tell me and he did."
Quietly: "What did he tell you?"
"He said it's a different sort of missing, cause he misses something he never had. But you can't miss something you never had cause how do you know you're missing it?"
"Regret," Hobbie whispered. "Regretting something you didn't do - 's worse than regretting something you did do."
Tori blinked and looked up at him again, confused. "What?"
A pause, and then: "Nothing, Tori."
"You're silly sometimes, Uncle Hobbie." But she smiled and hugged him again, leaning against him as if to go to sleep.
"Very silly," Hobbie agreed. "Did your dad say anything else?"
"Just that he knew I wouldn't understand," she replied with a yawn. "And that he loves Mommy and Calum and me a lot," she added sleepily after a moment, "but he sometimes wonders what would've happened if he'd told you."
Hobbie's heart stopped, or seemed to, and he almost let go of Tori. But the girl was holding onto him too tightly to fall anyway, and after a moment, he swallowed and hugged her again. "Told me what?" he asked, his voice barely loud enough to be a whisper.
There was no answer, and when he glanced down again, he realised Tori was asleep. Hobbie watched her for a few moments, not entirely certain whether he'd imagined the conversation or not and unsure of exactly what he'd been told anyway.
Eventually, he carried the sleeping girl to her room and looked in on her brother on his way back. Calum glanced up from his bookchip and frowned at Hobbie, but he didn't say anything and neither did the pilot.
News and drama on the Holonet offered little distraction from the mess in his head, and Hobbie tried not to think- couldn't stop- couldn't help it-
Tell me what?
-and-
Maybe I should have told him.
-and-
What's the point knowing now anyway?
-until the clatter and laughing voices outside the door broke his thoughts, a welcome reprieve before he realised who it would be.
Hobbie opened the door to a fairly drunk and giggling Inyri, and a slightly more sober but no less giggly Wes. He smiled wryly and said, "Nice to see you two returning to your children in a fit state."
"Don't know what you're talking about," Inyri said, sticking her tongue out at him - a habit she'd picked up from Wes, apparently - and patting his shoulder as she stumbled past.
Wes shook his head and grinned at Hobbie. "Kids give you any trouble?"
Hobbie hesitated, smile fading, then shook his head. "No trouble. I'll leave you to it, though," he added after a second, waving back at the lounge door. "Best get-" away "-home."
"Aw, not going to stay for a drink with us?"
"No," Hobbie said firmly, pushing past his friend to stand out in the corridor. "I'll see you tomorrow," he said, without looking back.
"Hobbie?" Wes sounded concerned and more than a little confused. "What's wrong?"
Hobbie paused, then sighed and turned back around, trying to smile reassuringly. It didn't work. "Nothing. Just tired, got a headache. Guess that's what conversations with seven year olds'll do to a guy."
Grinning again, Wes nodded. "I see. A whole conversation with Tori? Brain broken?"
"Slightly," Hobbie admitted with a soft smile. He hesitated again, then added, "She's very perceptive."
Wes looked back at him, grin fading a little. "Perceptive?"
"Yeah."
"...I guess she is."
"Smart, too. She's right - can't miss something you never had."
For a few seconds, there was a very awkward silence - then, before Wes could reply, Hobbie turned away and said again, "I'll see you tomorrow. 'Night, Wes."
"...'Night, Hobbie," Wes agreed quietly behind him.
Hobbie knew, as he walked away, that he shouldn't have said that - but he also knew that tomorrow would come and both of them would pretend that no one had said anything.
And he didn't know which part of that was the worst.