This is my first oneshot and azumanga fanfic (Yes, I know it's long). I actually wrote it last month but then I couldn't find time to upload it and eventually forgot about it. At first, it was just going to be about the Azu girls discovering fan fiction, but then I started getting ideas for including other stuff...and this is the result. Hope you like it! Oh yeah, and any shoujo-ai in here is just for parody purposes only.
Disclaimer:I do not own Azumanga Daioh or the various fanfics I parodied in this fanfic. Each story belongs to their respective authors, sort of. Oh yeah, and I apologize in advance for murdering your writing XD.
At the Library
It was another cool summer afternoon at Azumanga High School. Instead of eating lunch on the roof like they usually did, the Azu gang decided to visit the school library today. Well, all except Kagura who was helping Ms. Kurosawa teach the first years advanced swimming techniques for extra credit. As for the remaining Azu girls, their library visits usually ranged from two to three times a month so they were dubbed "that eccentric group" by the bookworms who practically lived there. Once they had arrived, Chiyo and Yomi went off to look in the fiction section while Sakaki headed over to the pet and animal care section. As usual, Osaka and Tomo headed over to the computers.
"Time to see some chick fighting on youtube!" Tomo said entering the site.
Osaka glanced at her screen. "Why would'ya want to see chickens fight, Tomo?" she asked curiously. "Can't ya just go to a farm and see that?"
"No dummy not chickens, chicks. Y'know, girls? I heard it's become quite popular in America." Tomo explained clicking on a video entitled "Stacey and Miranda's Showdown".
"See look," she said pointing at the screen. Osaka leaned over to see what was going on. She saw two teenage girls rolling together on the lawn of what seemed to be a backyard and they were both tugging at each other's hair, in the background she could see a small crowd of teens cheering them on.
"Oh, so that's chick fighting, huh? Sure looks' painful." She said spacing out. "You know I could never do that. After all, I'm not much of a fighter." Osaka then went back to looking at her own screen. "Well, you have fun watchin' those girls kill each other."
"Heheh, I sure will!" Tomo said as she started to join the on-screen crowd's cheering.
"Yeah, give it to her! Break her jaw! All right! Yes, you did it! Good Job, Stacey-chan!"
At that moment, the librarian had momentarily walked over to see what had caused the young student to create such a ruckus. By that time, Tomo had enlarged the video to full screen. The librarian was shocked by what she saw: One girl with a bloody nose and a black eye raising her fists triumphantly in the air while another was slumped over in the grass unconscious and covered in blood. She then saw a crowd carrying the victor away on their shoulders and apparently leaving the other girl for dead. I few seconds later she could then see paramedics placing the forgotten girl on a stretcher and hauling her away.
"Ms. Takino! What on earth are you watching? Was that a catfight I just saw?!" The librarian had gotten to know the wildcat through the constant stream of complaints from the other students whenever she was present in the library. Personally, she would've loved to ban Tomo from the library, but because she had always been lenient with the students, in the end she would always let the girl's antics slide. However, this time was different. This time she'd had enough. As for Tomo, she desperately tried to think of an excuse that would get her out of this one but nothing came to mind.
"Um, Barney?" she answered nervously.
The librarian finally lost it, "THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU! GET OFF THE COMPUTER THIS INSTANT! YOU ARE BANNED FROM THIS LIBRARY UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE!"
"Aw, man! Does that mean I can't watch Miranda-chan's funeral?" Tomo asked, " Cuz' I wanted to see the fight that took place after the reception, it's been subtitled and everything."
The librarian screamed at the top of her lungs, "OUT, NOW!" She then grabbed the wildcat by the collar and threw her out of the library. Once the commotion was over, the remaining students returned to what they were doing as if nothing had happened.
"I was wondering when she'd do that," Yomi replied nonchalantly as she went back to reading her book. "That idiot finally got what was coming to her."
"Hello, Ms.Osaka. What are you doing?" Chiyo asked as she walked over to sit next to her friend. At first the Osakan didn't respond, but she soon came to.
"Oh, hi Chiyo-chan! I'm just lookin' at some American websites. "This one's called "fanfixon". I wish I could read what it says, though." She said glazy-eyed.
"Huh? Oh, I can read English. Do you want me to read it for you?" Chiyo asked.
Osaka gave a huge smile, "Sure, I'd really like that! Thanks, Chiyo-chan!" She then moved over to switch seats with the young genius.
Chiyo decided to click on the "anime/manga" link so it was something she was somewhat familiar with and then scrolled down until she saw one she liked. "Hm, 'Azumanga Daioh'. That sounds like the name of our school. I guess I'll click on this one. She clicked on the link. " Oh my gosh!" she exclaimed. Osaka could've sworn Chiyo's pigtails jumped up when she said it.
"What's the matter Chiyo-chan? You feelin' okay?" Osaka asked Chiyo worriedly.
"Ms. Osaka, all the stories on here are about us!" Chiyo cried. "Look!"
"Chiyo-chan, I already told ya I can't read English." Osaka replied.
Chiyo stopped panicking, "Oh yeah, I forgot. Hold on, I'll use a web translator to translate the site," she said opening another window.
Osaka spaced out for a second before coming to, "Wait, aren't most of those things useless when it comes to translatin' stuff?" she asked.
"In most cases, yes," Chiyo answered typing quickly on the keyboard, "but I've finally found one that's able to translate English into Japanese virtually flawlessly!" she explained. "Ms. Osaka, you go get the others while I find it."
"Okey-Dokey!" Osaka said saluting Chiyo before she left.
A few minutes later all the Azu-girls save Tomo had surrounded Chiyo and the computer.
"I don't believe it." Yomi said astonished. "How do people know who we are? It's kind of creepy if you ask me." Sakaki nodded in agreement.
"Yeah, that's pretty incredible, " said Kagura. Chiyo turned around to see the tanned girl standing beside Yomi.
"Oh, Ms. Kagura. When did you get here? It's only been 10 minutes since the lunch started. Weren't you going to go help Ms. Kurosawa with the first years?"
Kagura placed her hand behind her head. "Well, I was but then I realized I had forgotten to do Mr. Kimura's Classical Lit. Report and you know how he gets when you turn in late work, especially when you're a girl. The Azu-girls shuddered as they remembered what had happened the last time a girl brought in her project late to Kimura's class.
Flashback
"Now did everyone do their reports on why the Edo period was such an important time in history?" the gaping teacher asked his students. A girl with braids raised her hand. "Yes, what is it my dear Rachel?" he asked the girl now known as Rachel.
"Sorry, Mr. Kimura but I couldn't do it. There was a recent death in my family and I had to attend the funeral in Kobe." she explained. "Is it okay if I make it up at a later time?" As she was done speaking she noticed the Literature teacher beginning to shake as tears formed in his eyes.
"YOU GIRLS AND YOUR EXCUSES!! WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE KAORIN? He screamed without warning shocking Rachel into silence. SHE'S SO PERFECT!! SHE ALWAYS HANDS HER WORK IN ON TIME!!" he screamed while cracking his neck. He then threw himself on to his desk and started to cry.
Rachel, not knowing what to say, looked over to see Kaorin crouched down in her seat repeating the words "I wish I were dead, I wish I were dead, I wish I were dead, I wish I were dead..." as she glowered at Kimura with loathe-filled eyes. Now turning her eyes back towards the sobbing teacher, Rachel was finally able to recover her voice.
"Um, so does that mean I fail?" she asked him reluctantly.
"All I did was ask you to do the assignment, was that so hard? Why do you girls always have to break my heart like this?" he murmured to himself as he left Rachel's question unanswered. He then lifted his head up and stared at her. "It's okay, you can make it up. Just don't hurt me like that again!" he said breaking into fresh sobs. By this time, all the boys in the classroom had gathered around him to console their fallen hero.
"You've got to be kidding Me," the Braid Maiden thought as she watched the comedic drama that her least favorite teacher and male classmates continued to display. "I can't wait for the day I graduate."
The whole time this went on the Azu girls just sweatdropped and continued to do their work.
End Flashback
"Don't remind us." Yomi said remembering that day.
"Yeah, so anyway," Kagura continued, "Coach was very understanding. She's the best. So what's with this site anyway?" she asked looking at the screen.
"I don't know but I'm going to find out." Chiyo said determined. Let's choose this one," she said as she clicked a story entitled "Warm Nights."
Tomo giggled as Yomi quickly unbuttoned her shirt. She couldn't believe it, this would be their first time. The bed felt warm against her skin as she saw Yomi quickly undress and and jump in the bed alongside her. The wildcat then turned off the lamp on the nightstand and snuggled next to her best friend. "I love you, Yomi," she whispered softly to the taller girl. "I love you too, Tomo..." Yomi responded as she drew her face closer towards Tomo's, "...and nothing will ever change that." The two then locked lips for a long passionate kiss."
"WHAT THE? WHO THE F--K WROTE THIS CRAP!" Yomi said completely losing her composure. Luckily for Chiyo, Osaka had covered her ears just in time so that she wasn't able to hear the bespectacled one's colorful language.
"Hey Yomi, how did'ya make your veins pop out like that?" the space cadet asked. The Azu girls sweatdropped at Osaka's question.
"Oi Yomi, you're in a library. You can't use those words here!" Kagura whispered to her friend.
"I DON"T F--KIN' CARE! CHIYO-CHAN, WHO WROTE THIS??" Yomi asked the small girl. She couldn't wait to strangle the person who wrote the fanfic. Again, Osaka was able to censor the words from Chiyo just in time.
"Um, it says the author is SgForm. What a weird name. He/She currently lives in Mississippi." Chiyo said reading the person's profile. "Sorry, Ms. Yomi. I guess there's nothing you can do. It's a good thing Tomo-chan isn't here to see this though."
"Oh yeah, where is Tomo anyway?" Kagura asked looking up from the computer.
"She got kicked out of the library for watching catfights on the net." Yomi said now starting to calm down.
"Whoa, was it that fight between Stacey and Miranda?" the athlete asked. The Azu girls just gave her a blank stare. "Well, it was a pretty cool fight." she muttered to herself. "Hey Chiyo-chan, click on that one," she said now pointing to the bright screen.
Chiyo clicked on the story. "Azumanga Hanukkah Tales by Anime Reborn? But I don't celebrate Hanukkah..." she replied trailing off.
"Hey Chiyo-chan, look. You can click on the different chapters too." Osaka said gazing at the page.
Kagura scratched her head. "Wow, this fan fiction stuff is pretty interesting, not to mention kinda creepy. Ooh! Click on Kaorin's tale. That'll probably be interesting," she said smirking. Chiyo clicked on chapter five. The girls then crowded around to get a better look, squishing her in the process.
"Ouch!" she screamed.
"Sorry, Chiyo-chan," the all murmured as they made extra room for Chiyo. They then re-gathered around and began to read.
"I hope Sakaki-san will like the clay dreydl I bought for her." Kaorin said as she walked down the busy street. "Who knows? She may even start to notice me in school!" As Kaorin was thinking of her unrequited love, she hadn't noticed the car that was speeding right towards her. "KAORIN, LOOK OUT!!" a girl's voice cried out. "Huh?" Kaorin turned around just in time to see her best friend Chihiro slam into her and push her out of the way. The two landed hard on the sidewalk with a loud thud.
"SMASH!" something inside the small plastic bag Kaorin was holding had shattered. She peered inside the bag fearing the worst.
"Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no!" Kaorin repeated taking the broken clay shards out of the bag. "Sakaki-san's present is ruined!" she said bursting into tears.
Chihiro knew how much Kaorin loved Sakaki and she felt terrible about what had happened. "Hey, it's okay. We can just buy another one, right?" she said trying to console her friend. Kaorin sadly shook her head.
"Nope, that was the last one. I guess now Sakaki will never know my true feelings towards her. Not to mention, I'm going to be late for Osaka's party. Oh, why does this always have to happen to me?
"Bwahahah! Kaorin's such a loser!" Kagura said pounding her fists on the computer table. "You think she'd have told you her feelings by now, eh Sakaki?"
Sakaki cheeks flushed bright red. "U-Um yeah, I guess." she stuttered.
"Ms. Kagura, that's not a nice thing to say. No matter what, Kaorin is still our friend. Well, at least this story wasn't as provocative as the last one," Chiyo stated, slightly shivering from the memory. "I'm too young for this kind of stuff," she thought while clicking back to the story archive. "M-Maybe we should just go to another site..." she replied as she started to close the window.
"No, wait!" Sakaki shouted. Everyone turned around. Sakaki usually never said much so everyone decided to listen to what she had to say. "Um, are there any stories of me and Kamineko?"
Everyone just stared at her. "Kamineko? Who's that Ms. Sakaki?" Chiyo asked.
"Oh, I know! It's that evil little gray cat you're always trying to pet, isn't it?" Kagura inquired. Sakaki nodded her head. "Why do you want to read about that fur ball?" the jock asked.
"I guess because it would be nice if there was a story where him and I actually got along." Sakaki explained. Chiyo went to the search page and looked up "sakaki kamineko". Four results were shown. "Oh, can I see that one?" the raven-haired girl asked pointing to one of the stories. Chiyo clicked it.
A Lucky Meeting by LHA
It was another fine Monday morning. Sakaki was taking the usual route to school when she noticed a small gray cat perched on the neighbor's fence. The soft purring emitting from his chest could easily be heard as he continued to sleep soundly. In fact, he almost looked harmless. Almost.
"This might be my chance," Sakaki thought as she stretched out her hand to pet the adorable terror. Suddenly, something within the feline's senses caused him to wake up. He stared at the schoolgirl menacingly as he bared his teeth. Sakaki noticed this and began to hesitate. Nevertheless she reached out her hand to pet the cat. She was surprised to discover that her hand had connected with Kamineko's head.
"You're letting me pet you?" she asked. "But why?" The cat said nothing. Sakaki began to blush as she continued to stroke his soft fur. Suddenly, Kamineko bared his teeth. Sakaki hesitated but she continued to pet him. When she was done, he jumped on to the ground and flashed his trademark grin. Sakaki then tried to pet him again but this time he decided to chomp down hard on her hand.
Wincing, Sakaki managed to force a smile. "You haven't changed one bit, but thank you." Still smiling, she then forcefully kicked the cat into some nearby bushes. A loud "RAOWR!" could be heard as he hit the small tree with an impact. "That'll teach you not to mess with me, bitch." Now feeling content, she continued her walk to the school.
"Oh, my!" Chiyo said surprised. "I certainly wasn't expecting that!" Sakaki looked like she was about to throw up.
"Alright, now that's what I'm talkin' about, Sakaki! As expected from my rival!" Kagura said giving the distraught girl a friendly pat on the back.
"But I'd never kick an animal. Or swear at one either." she said now holding her stomach. "I don't think I like fan fiction."
"It's okay Ms. Sakaki. I doubt all fan fiction stories are like that. I guess we just somehow chose the wrong ones. Here, maybe this one won't be so bad" Chiyo said as she was about to click "Azumanga In The Real World by AR".
"Kin-Kon-Kan-Kon Kin-Kon-Kan-Kon." The bell cheerfully chimed as it marked the ending of the lunch period.
"Well, I guess it will just have to wait till next time." the prodigy stated as she closed down the window and pushed in her chair.
"Wow, so much time has passed already?" Yomi asked bewildered.
"Welcome to my world." Osaka said getting up from her seat. The Azu girls sweatdropped.
"Oh no! I forgot to do my report!" Kagura groaned as she slapped her forehead.
"Welcome to my world." Osaka repeated. Again, the girls sweatdropped.
A few minutes later, they caught up with Tomo in the hallway. She had kept herself busy by drawing rather unflattering doodles of the librarian on the door, using a permanent marker of course. She then signed her artwork as by "Fujiko's twin."
"You're a child, you know that?" Yomi scolded.
"Thanks, I try." Tomo replied, completing missing the gist of Yomi's words. The bespectacled girl just sighed in frustration. Her friend would never learn.
"So what'd you guys do in there while I was gone?" the wildcat asked. "I feel like I must've missed something."
"Welcome to-"
"Osaka, we get it," Yomi stated. The Osakan girl stopped talking. "You're meaning to tell me you stayed out here the whole time? Why didn't you just leave?" the brunette inquired as she pushed up her glasses.
"Aw c'mon now, Yomi. Don't be like that. You know I'd never leave your side." Tomo reassured her friend while patting her on the back. The wildcat's words instantly caused flashbacks of the Toyomi fic to flood back into the taller girls mind.
"AUGH! STAY AWAY FROM ME!" Yomi cried as she stepped back from the shorter girl.
"Huh? Hey Yomi, are you okay?" Tomo questioned as she stared at her friend. Yomi, now realizing what had said began to grin sheepishly.
"Um, y-yeah. It's just something I recalled, that's all," she said placing her hand behind her head.
"Eh, whatever. So what did you guys do while I was gone?" Tomo asked her friends. The Azu-girls just sweatdropped.
"Huh?"
At this time, Chiyo decided to step in "It's okay, Tomo." she said reassuring the confused girl. "We'll tell you about it after school. Let's just focus on getting to Music on time, okay?"
Tomo sighed. "Fine, whatever." she huffed as she crossed her arms.
The other girls sighed. After reading fan fiction, they weren't sure if they were ready to let Tomo know about the site just yet. After all, she was the wildcat high school girl. Who knows what would've happened if she found out? They shuddered at the mere thought. However, that's a story for another time.
So how was it? Tell me what you think! Please R&R!
See ya' around!