Tag for 10.16. Schmangst warning. :)

I get older and life fades but you remain

Open up again

I believe in second chances

Please let me in

Oh, I believe in second chances

I won't break you

I will not let you down

Open up again

I believe in second chances

Dean is snoring softly as I duck into the bathroom to make a call to Cas. Sometimes I'm envious of my brother's ability to sleep through almost anything. I know I'll be lucky if I get a couple of hours tonight because there's too much on my mind. Dean, on the other hand, was out almost as soon as we checked in. As envious as I might be, I also know sleep is Dean's way of escape. I've spent too many years with him not to know sleep is one of his greatest avoidance tactics and what he's avoiding now is the same thing causing my lack of sleep. We're both terrified of what's going to happen with the Mark.

"Sam?" Cas finally picks up on his end. "Where are you?"

"Hey, Cas. We're just outside of Cleveland. We finished up a case and stopped for the night. I thought I'd check in. Any news?"

"I'm afraid not." The angel's voice is full of sadness. I know how much he wants to help but without his grace, he's limited as to what he can do. I feel a twinge of guilt because I haven't been as worried about him as I should be but Dean is my priority and Cas knows that.

"We'll keep looking. Charlie might be on to something. She left me a message earlier that sounded hopeful. Said she'd call back when she has more news." I try to believe what I'm saying…..that possibly there's something we haven't yet found but the more time that passes, the more frightened I become. So far we've found nothing and even though I keep telling Dean we will, I remember the last time I told him that…..and I failed. I failed and my brother had gone to Hell. An involuntary shudder passes through me. I can't fail him again. I just can't.

"How is he, Sam?"

"He's Dean, you know, Cas?" I try to laugh but it comes out as more of a sob and I take a deep breath to steady myself. "He says he's fine but he's not and I can't make him talk to me."

"And how are you, Sam?" The compassion in Castiel's voice is almost more than I can take but I manage to pull a Dean Winchester and lie through my teeth, telling the angel I'm fine.

Castiel's sigh is enough for me to know he doesn't believe me and I realize what a vicious cycle it is. Dean lies to me, I lie to Cas, and Cas lies to us. We're all perfectly fine but we're all falling apart. I wish I could laugh at the ridiculousness of it all but I can't.

I peek out the bathroom door and see Dean tossing and turning in bed. "Cas, I've gotta go. I'll talk to you later."

I end the call and hurry out to my brother, who is moaning and muttering in his sleep. I sit on the edge of the bed and touch Dean's arm. "Dean?"

Dean's eyes fly open and he automatically reaches for the gun on the bedside table. I grab his hand but his right arm swings up and before I have time to react he punches me in the side of the head and I topple from the bed to the floor.

"DEAN!"

"Sammy?" Dean clicks on the bedside lamp and hunkers next to me. "Shit, Sam. I'm sorry."

He hauls me to my feet and forces me to sit back down on the bed while he examines my left eye, which is starting to swell.

"I'm fine, Dean."

From somewhere deep inside me dark laughter threatens to spill out as I think about how many times we say that to each other and how few times it's actually true. I'm pretty sure the motto on the Winchester family coat of arms is something along the lines of, "It's okay. I'm fine."

"Like hell," says Dean. "I clocked you a good one, Sammy."

He shuffles to the cooler and pulls out two cold beers. He pops the top on one and guzzles it down and returns to me with the other, pressing it against my eye. He sits next to me, still holding the beer to my face.

"What were you dreaming, Dean?"

"Nothing," says Dean. He must see the skeptical look on my face because he continues. "You know, just the regular crap. Spirits and monsters and demons…..oh my!" He grins but when he realizes I'm not buying it, the grin disappears and his face becomes somber. "I just…"

"What, Dean?" I take the beer from his hand and start to sit it on the table but he retrieves it, pops the top and swallows it down. Whatever's on his mind, it's weighing heavy. I'm wondering if maybe I should have drunk one of those beers myself.

I glance at my brother and he's staring at me as if he's never seen me before, as if I haven't spent the better part of my life in the same room as him, separated by only a few feet.

"Dean, what is it? You can talk to me." I would give my right arm for him to talk to me. He's been there for me my whole life. All I've ever wanted was to be there for him…..for him to let me in, let me share his burden.

Dean's eyes fill with tears and he looks away. "I've put you through so much, Sammy."

"Dean, you're my brother. I'm here for you."

Dean shakes his head. "I can't dump my problems on you."

"Whatever it is, Dean, it's my problem too. Why can't you see that?"

"Because it's my job to protect you, Sammy….to keep you safe…..to keep you safe from my problems…..from me." Dean runs a shaky hand across his face. "I've failed you in so many ways."

I don't know where any of this is coming from and I'm at a loss for words. Whatever I'd been expecting from Dean's nightmare, this wasn't it. What was going on in my brother's head?

"Dean, you've never failed me. How can you think that?"

"Have I ever once told you how I feel about you?" Dean is staring at me again and the tears in his eyes are now spilling down his cheeks.

"Dean, you sold your soul for me," I answer softly. "I'd have to be pretty damn stupid if I didn't know how you felt about me."

Dean nods and I'm not sure if he's agreeing with me or acknowledging that I'm pretty damn stupid….which I have been, on occasion. Like last year, when I told Dean I didn't want to be brothers. I'm the one who has failed his brother, not Dean.

"I've taken you for granted, Sam."

"I think that goes both ways, Dean."

"I feel like I've wasted my life. I've wasted so much time….."

"What are you talking about, Dean? You've spent your entire life looking out for other people….saving them from horrible fates. How can you think that was a waste?" I place my hand on Dean's shoulder and I can feel him trembling. "Dean, talk to me."

"That's just it, Sammy. I've spent my whole life doing those things but I've never really let anybody in…..not even you. I've kept everyone at arm's length, never opening up because…"

"Because of what?"

"Because I was afraid."

There's so much pain in my brother's eyes it makes my heart ache. I want to protect him from whatever is causing him so much grief, the same as he's always protected me. "What were you afraid of, Dean?"

"I was afraid of letting my guard down….that if I did, I wouldn't be able to do my job and people would die because of me. But people have died because of me, Sammy. As hard as I've tried to protect everyone, people have still died."

"You can't blame yourself for everything, Dean."

"Yes, I can….I do. I don't know how to forgive myself, Sammy." Dean finally breaks eye contact with me and stares down at his hands. "I've made so many mistakes in my life but I think…I think the biggest one was not telling the people I love how much I care about them, not letting them in. Things could have been so different."

"Dean, it's not too late."

Dean's fingers brush across the Mark on his arm. "Yes, it is."

"We're going to find a way to beat the Mark. You can't just give up." I swallow hard against the lump in my throat. "Quit talking like you're already dead, Dean. I'm not losing you again."

Dean's fingers are resting against the Mark and he refuses to meet my eye.

"Do you hear me?" My hand is still on his shoulder and the trembles I felt earlier turn into full body tremors. "Dean?"

"I'm so scared, Sammy," Dean whispers. "I don't want to die and become a monster."

He's my older brother and I've always thought he was larger than life but right now he looks so small, huddled on the edge of the bed, tears streaming down his face as he confesses his worst fears to me. I reach out and pull him to me. At first I feel him resist and I know why he's fighting. It's what he does. He never takes comfort from anyone else. He's always the one to give it. But I'm as stubborn as he is strong and I'm not about to relinquish my hold….not until he realizes it's okay…..that he deserves comfort as much as anyone else.

"I'm not going to let you die, Dean."

He leans into me and I hold him tight as the dam within him bursts, his sobs muffled against my shoulder. "I've got you, Dean. It's going to be okay." I whisper the mantra I learned from him many years ago: "I'm not going to let anything happen to you. I promise."

And with all of my heart I believe it. Everyone deserves a second chance but nobody deserves it more than my brother. I'm not going to let him become a monster. I'm going to save him.

This little fic was inspired by what Dean said during confession. You are welcome to your own interpretation but this is mine. Also, I hadn't really written anything too schmangsty lately and I needed it. :)

Thanks for reading! Comments are always welcome!

Lyrics are Second Chances by Imagine Dragons.