Title:
Anything to See You HappyAuthor:
Anisky0703Rating:
PG-13 for shounen-aiPairings:
Hikaru/Akira, Waya/Hikaru (a little)Disclaimer:
I do not own anything remotely related to "Hikaru no Go"…(sighs) I wish I did though. Thank the people who did though…They rock! ^ ^Dedication:
This fic is dedicated to the new Hikaru no Go section (*finally*!) and to a fellow Hikaru/Touya supporter Katherine. See! I kept my promise…A/N:
I am really sorry if the author's note is too long but I have got to say this. This fic started of as an experiment, something I didn't even *think* of publishing but it evidently morphed and this was the end result. A bit of warning, the perspectives wary, and I try to say true to that by using their last name at times and their first name at times. For example in Hikaru's POV, I would use the name "Touya" but in Akira's POV, I would use "Shindo". Since *that* is out of the way, let's get to the story. I hope you enjoy it and please tell me what you think of it. I haven't done this in a while…(sheepish grin)Anything to See You Happy
Hikaru looked out the window and sighed—one that encompassed all the frustration and exhaustion of the week. Hikaru didn't know what was so special about this week—or the week before that…but it all just seemed so burdened with things that he didn't want to concern himself with. It seemed like that so much had happened and yet, all he had done was follow his daily routines. It was as if Hikaru didn't even have the time to protest—or to even have a chance to protest. One thing was for sure…Life sucked.
Sai was standing quietly by the silent boy, a look of worry on his delicate features. It wasn't natural for this naturally lively boy to be so subdued…frankly; it rather unnerved the veteran Go player. There was something lacking in Hikaru's personality these days. That certain excitement, that certain determination—everything that Sai was attracted to and tried his best to nurture seemed to be dulled. The real problem, however, was the fact that Hikaru wouldn't talk about it. In Hikaru's words, there wasn't even a problem.
Sai sighed softly to himself as he looked at his young charge, as Hikaru continued to gaze at empty space with a blank stare. Yes, there was something definitely bothering Hikaru…but the real question was what?
* * *
Hikaru smothered a not-so inconspicuous yawn and the Japanese Language teacher shot him one of those looks teachers were famous for. When she spotted the fact that Hikaru had his test paper face down, she stood up and walked over, secretly wondering what "ingenious" (more like half-baked) ideas that Hikaru came up with.
With a half-smile Hikaru handed in the paper and sat back against the chair, ready to go to sleep at a moment's notice. He hadn't been able to go to sleep for more than 2 hours at a time and that was really taking its toll on the teen.
The teacher, having nothing to do, began reading the paper and as she proceeded, her eyes progressively widened in surprise and shock and her mouth became a silent 'o'. This particular test had a single creative writing question (much to the dismay of the practical students) and it asked them to write a monologue. However, the teacher had never expected something like this from any of her students…
When she finished, she stared at the paper, awe printed plainly on her face. Hikaru's monologue…it had simply been outstanding! Such depth, such pain, such longing—every penned word seemed to speak with life, every word threaded with emotion. If she didn't know better, she would have thought Hikaru was writing from personal experience…but no, that couldn't be it!
A bell rang, bringing her out of her reverie as it signified the end of school. Students reluctantly began to hand in the papers but her mind was still on the piece of writing she had read. As she spotted Hikaru quickly making his way towards the exit, she called out, "Shindo-kun! Can you come here? I need to talk to you."
Hikaru froze in mid-step and Sai sported a curious look on his face. They both walked towards the teacher's desk and Sai couldn't help but wonder why the teacher had such a funny look on her face.
The teacher took a deep breath and started, "Hikaru, I must say that this monologue you handed in—it was simply amazing! I was wondering why you hadn't shown such potential before."
"I dunno," murmured a pre-occupied Hikaru, eyes clearly fascinated with the marble tiles of the floor. "I just wrote and those were the words that came."
The teacher blinked in surprise at the monotone answer. Where was the kid that she knew with the goofy grin and cheery words? Although he had become a lot more serious during the months, it still didn't account for the air of melancholy that surrounded the boy. Without a word of warning, Hikaru ran out of the classroom and the teacher blinked in surprise.
What in the world was going on with this kid?
The teacher was unaware that this was the question in Sai's mind as he rushed after the fleeing boy with a small yelp escaping his lips.
* * *
Hikaru ran through the sunlit hallways, past the bustling and energetic kids. He ran until he was out of the school and its confining walls. He slowed to a walk as he walked down the main path, bordered by trees filled with brilliantly bright sakura blossoms. A few petals slowly drifted in the air and it seemed an ethereal silence settled over this path.
Hikaru breathed in the refreshing air and the sweet, clear scent of the pink blossoms deeply, the aroma seeming to clear his muddled thoughts. Finally feeling at ease for the first time in the past few weeks, it shocked him when the world around him spun around him in dizzying circles. It was as if his mind was floating, detached from his body and he came to an abrupt halt, willing for reality to exert its presence again.
"Hikaru…Hikaru!" a feminine voice penetrated through his consciousness and when the world set itself to normal about him, he found himself looking at Akari, Mitani not far behind.
"Are you all right? You look so pale…" commented Akari thoughtfully, while Mitani tacitly voiced the same concern.
"No, no! I'm fine! I'm just a little tired…" Hikaru attempted to convince them with exaggerated hand gestures.
"Are you sure you don't want to walk with us?"
"Oh no!" Hikaru vehemently refused, "you two should have some time for yourselves. I don't want to intrude."
Akari contemplated Hikaru's answer for a moment and then she smiled brightly in response. "Make sure to get some sleep! Tear yourself away from your goban once in a while!"
Akari then clutched Mitani's arm and as they walked away, Hikaru looked at the disappearing couple. The two had just been dating for a month but they seemed to be enjoying each other's company very much. Hikaru was sincerely glad that his friends were happy.
Sai stood by the musing boy and asked softly, "You shouldn't have lied you know."
Hikaru turned to Sai and said much too quickly, "I don't have anything to lie about! And besides, there's no reason for making them worry over nothing."
Sai sighed to himself, "If you say so…"
* * *
Hikaru sat to a dinner of ramen with his mother on that particular Friday night. It was unusually silent, though the silence didn't really seem all that unnatural anymore. It seemed to be the common occurrence during every meal the two had for the past few weeks.
Hikaru's mother didn't know what to do as she looked at her son from across the table (who was currently picking at his food). She had noticed a steady decline in her son's appetite and had purposely cooked ramen that night, his favourite food. She did this even when she had a personal grudge against the particular food in hopes of raising her son's spirits. Unfortunately for her, things hadn't worked according to plan and he still wasn't eating.
Something is definitely wrong if Hikaru doesn't gulp his ramen down
, Hikaru's mother thought sadly as she stood up and cleared away the dishes and Hikaru's barely touched meal. Hikaru abruptly stood up and walked to his room.Lately, he cooped himself up there for hours on end, just playing Go by himself. It isn't healthy, thought Hikaru's mother worriedly to herself.
All she could hope for was that he would resolve it soon. She never really was the type to meddle.
* * *
Being the second Saturday of the month, Hikaru had Insei training to attend to. It was a wholly welcome distraction from his life. Playing Go was almost like an escape to Hikaru. It seemed to be the only thing that hadn't been affected by his current state of mind. While Hikaru was clearly deep in his own thoughts, Sai happily tagged along; prospects of Go giving a spring to the spirit's step.
A cheery Waya greeted him and Hikaru couldn't help but smile, although it felt a little strained. Even Waya seemed to notice though he pretended he hadn't, talking about this Go tournament and that Go player. Waya being Waya, he even talked easily about the game that had been arranged between them, clearly deeming his Go skills superior to that of Hikaru's.
Hikaru couldn't help but get somewhat caught in Waya's words. He really was a good friend. Even Hikaru could tell this was Waya's attempt at cheering him up. As they made their way to the playing room, stopping occasionally to talk to the other Insei, a sudden feeling of light-headedness came over Hikaru yet again.
He felt himself stagger slightly, his eyesight filled with blurred images. He took a few hesitant steps but his knees soon wobbled with weakness and Hikaru felt himself fall against the wall. He leant heavily on it and took in deep breaths in an attempt to regain composure.
When he looked up, Waya stood before him, a worried expression on his face. "Hikaru," he said softly in a voice laden with concern, "do you need any help?"
Hikaru realised with a start on how small the distance between Waya and him was. "No, don't worry about me. I think I just tripped." He felt Waya's intense eyes gazing at him with scrutiny, as if assessing the situation for himself.
When an awkward moment passed between the two, Waya finally responded, "I don't believe you, but if you don't want to tell me the truth, that's your decision." Hikaru was startled to hear that hurt was interlaced between these words as it hit home within Hikaru. However, before Hikaru was able to appropriately use his voice, Waya had turned away and walked ahead, leaving a preoccupied Hikaru behind.
I wonder…why was Waya acting so strangely? It couldn't be because…can it? But-but…that couldn't be possible…right?
Unanswered questions jumbled around Hikaru's head and prospects slowly made themselves known. But I already have someone…Hikaru realised that an attentive Sai was paying attention to the rambling of his thoughts and he was slightly unnerved at the unreadable look present on Sai's face. Thoughts closed off and without a word, Hikaru walked towards the playing room, a trailing Sai pondering about the new information that had surfaced.
So, that's what that this is all about…
Sai thought with a slight smile.* * *
When Hikaru entered the playing room, Waya was already waiting quietly for him behind an empty goban board. Hikaru desperately wanted to make amends with the other boy but the Go instructor beat him to it and demanded all games should start immediately.
It was determined that Hikaru was to play black and he placed his first stone. Waya countered and Hikaru then played a keima, his stone diagonal to the one that he had laid first on the upper right hoshi.
It was an aggressive move and normally, Hikaru wouldn't play such a hand early in the game but he felt the need to perfect the move. After all, if used carefully, keima can easily determine the winner or the loser of the game. Sai had made sure to enforce this since he played it quite often in his Go games. Even Waya paused for a minute at Hikaru's move but then his attention turned back to the game and he chose to strengthen his unit near the bottom right of the goban.
It was a typical game…that is, except for the fact that Waya refused to make eye contact with Hikaru. Hikaru felt alienated throughout the game and no wonder, it was like he was separated from his body, looking at the game as a spectator. His moves felt mechanical and even he could tell that his moves were lacking feeling.
It didn't help that the tension between the two players was palpable—so thick that a butter knife can easily cut it. The ominous presence blanketed the two boys like a smothering towel and at times, it strained Hikaru's nerves. He was all to glad when the game came to its ending stages and they fought for. After the counting of the territory (which determined Hikaru the winner by .5 komi), Hikaru rose, leaving behind a strangely subdued Waya.
"Wait!" Waya called as Hikaru reached the door, and he paused in his tracks, waiting for the other boy to catch up to him. "Thanks," Waya smiled softly as he reached Hikaru's side, although the swell of noise around them almost prevented the word of gratitude from reaching Hikaru's ear.
They walked out of the room together, an awkward silence settling between the two. Hikaru knew it was lunchtime by the smell of miso soup and stir-fried rice that wafted through the air but he really wasn't that hungry. He didn't think he could stomach anything even if he tried.
"Um…Shindo-kun?" Hikaru was shocked out of his thoughts by the voice of Waya, breaking through the sound proof barrier between them.
"Hmm…?" Hikaru replied.
Waya came to a stop, eyes downcast behind his mop of hair and hands clenched tightly.
Hikaru, a little ahead of him stopped as well and turned with concern to the other Insei. After all, Waya was his friend. "Waya-kun?" he asked softly, and Hikaru was surprised at how small his voice sounded.
"I-I-I know Shindo!"
"Know? What do you know Waya?" Hikaru was more than puzzled.
Waya seemed reluctant to continue but he did, "I know you're hiding it from me but I can tell…"
"Tell what? You know I suck at guessing games Waya-kun."
All of a sudden, Waya felt the need to be blunt—he just wanted to shout it out to the world, "Can't you see Shindo? You're in love!"
At first, it was as if Hikaru's features were permanently frozen. A split second later, he blanched, "W-what are you talking about?"
The fists that Waya held rigidly by his side shook with repressed emotion, "Don't play stupid Shindo. You know better than to lie to me!"
"I-I'm not lying— " Hikaru was cut off when he felt Waya's tight grip on his shoulders, and dark eyes that peered at him fiercely. At Hikaru's bewildered expression, Waya's countenance softened and he said in a half-whisper, "Shindo…I can tell just by looking at your face."
Hikaru blinked in surprise; the answer wasn't what he had expected.
"Please…" Waya was pleading, "don't you trust me enough to at least admit it?"
Hikaru couldn't bear looking into the other's clear hazel eyes. It was almost painful to do so. Hikaru felt so naked in front of him, as if he was baring his soul for the other to see. "Waya-kun…" Hikaru said softly. He felt colour rush up to his face and stain his cheeks, "I-Is it that obvious?"
"Nah!" shrugged Waya, a wild grin on his face, "I just know you too well!"
A small smile disappeared quickly as it had come at Waya's outburst and it didn't happen without the other's notice. After all, observation came naturally to Waya. He couldn't also help but notice Hikaru's attempt at putting a happy front to the world, although the pained look in his eyes betrayed this act.
Unexplainable tears began to fill Hikaru's eyes and he tried to blink it back but that just led to fat drops trickling down his cheeks. He didn't know why he was crying—or why he had reached over to Waya and clung to him, to the surprise of the other boy. He was never that emotional. He had his moments of excitement and felt somewhat down like everybody else but this—this was different.
Every emotion that had hammered silently in Hikaru for the past few weeks came out as hot tears. His head was borrowed among the folds of Waya's shirt, wetting it with the tears he thought he never had. Hikaru was so embarrassed…How could he act so childish in front of Waya? Crying like a little baby…
Waya held him silently, arms holding the other boy in a close embrace. He could feel Shindo trembling softly within his hold and the wetness that soaked through his shirt. Too put it simply—he was overwhelmed. He had never realised that Shindo would break down so easily. He absent-mindedly stroked the other's back and hoped that his presence would bring the boy some comfort. Even if he was simply a friend to Shindo, he still wanted to be there for him.
It was barely perceptible to Hikaru's ears—the only words that seemed to come out of his mouth. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" was the mantra that he repeated in an unbreakable cycle. Hikaru wasn't sure why that was all he could say—the only words that worked its way past his lips. Perhaps it was the only way he knew how to apologise. He didn't want to hurt Waya with his problems…Waya didn't deserve that!
"Shindo?" Waya's voice seemed to pierce through Hikaru's muddled mind. Hikaru looked up tentatively; eyes shining with unshed tears. He silently took a few steadying breaths, finding the warmth from Waya's body rather comforting.
The two shared eye contact for what seemed longer than the few seconds until Waya interrupted the silence with an unexpected action—or what seemed unexpected to Hikaru. Waya had taken his left arm from around Hikaru and his hand went to caress the boy's face, fingers interlaced with the dyed locks of his hair.
"Why such a sad face?" Waya asked softly.
Hikaru became flustered at the affectionate tone that Waya's voice took. He couldn't come up with a proper answer due to the soft touch of Waya's fingers. All Hikaru could stammer was, "I-I—"
Waya interrupted him, noting his distress, " All I want is for you to be happy."
Hikaru flushed for the second time that day and silently wondered if the radiating heat scorched Waya's fingers. He hadn't known that this side of Waya had existed—probably caught up in his life (which revolved around Go) and all its "dilemmas" to notice. Waya was so sweet and faithful and he actually cared about him…He was lucky to know someone like Waya.
An awkward pause settled over the two, Hikaru still unsure how to reply to Waya's forward (obviously) statement. Before either of them could attempt to break the ice and remove the blanket of silence that smothered the duo, Izumi walked onto the scene.
Clearly caught up in his own troubles, it took a while to notice the rather touching scene between the two Insei and his gaze moved from one boy to the other, much to the embarrassment of the younger boys.
"I hope I'm not interrupting anything…" Izumi said in his usual calm tone, though his eyebrows were perceptible higher at the compromising position of two of his closest friends.
Hikaru, all a sudden, was vividly aware of his situation and the close proximity of Waya. He acutely felt Waya's secure arm about him in a protective embrace and the soft hand that held his face. Under Izumi's gaze, Waya's hold felt almost restricting and he felt himself become extremely self-conscious.
As if on instinct, Hikaru broke away from a surprised Waya and staggered a few feet back. Hikaru distinctly felt a look of bewilderment plastered on his face as he turned away from the astonishment and hurt that tinted Waya's eyes.
His steps gathered momentum and he walk quickened into a run. He ran blindly through the twisting hallways, only registering the fact he had to get away. To be far away as humanly possible—a place where he would never get hurt and where he wouldn't be able to hurt others.
He vaguely heard the elevator door open with a groan of mechanics and before he knew it, he collided brutally with the single person that had just walked out. The force of the impact threw him to the floor with bruising might and he blinked rapidly, momentarily disoriented.
Hikaru then looked up and his eyes widened—a cross between shock and disbelief. Blood pounded in his ears and drowned out all sound. He couldn't decide if his heart was beating rapidly or had come to a halt. After all, how many people could say that the person that they most and yet least wanted to see stood right before them?
"Touya…" the whispered name rang with a slight resonance as it hung in the air.
Indeed, it was that person that stood before him—the one who possessed such fierce and determined eyes. Time appeared to slow in its movement as Hikaru witnessed the varying emotions that ran through Touya's eyes while his face remained impassive. It had always been hard for Hikaru to determine what Touya was thinking or what his actions meant and it was no exception today.
He looked at Touya's outstretched hand blankly; he took his hand in a delayed response, which was purely mechanical. Intelligible speech seemed almost impossible as he felt his throat constricting and the words seemed to die before they passed his lips.
Though his head was bowed, Hikaru could see Touya slowly turning away and suddenly the words poured out of his mouth. "Touya, wait!"
Touya paused mid-step and turned halfway around, the eye that faced towards Hikaru fixed intensely. "What is it?"
Hikaru mentally winced at Touya's icy tone but continued in a softer voice, "I-I just wanted to thank you for helping me up."
"I would have done it for anybody," was the reply that seemed harsh to Hikaru's ears. At those words, he felt something break inside of him. It took all his will power to not break down in tears right in front of Touya. How degrading would that be? he thought to himself.
Hikaru clenched his fists tightly by his side and he shook with silent sobs. Hikaru couldn't raise his head; he couldn't—no, he wouldn't— risk raising his head to meet Touya's eyes filled with loathing and contempt of him. So, Hikaru simply stood there as he heard Touya's retreating footsteps, leaving him behind in a cloud of shame and dashed hopes.
All of sudden, a feeling of light-headedness struck him. One minute, the world around him taunted him with haunting clarity and the next minute it was a blur. Swirls of colour spun around him and he felt himself sway under its force. Next thing he knew, he was falling and he heard an anxious voice call out his name. Waya? he thought vaguely. The world rushed towards him and the last thing he felt was his fall softened by warm arms and deep green eyes that filled his vision before it all became black.
* * *
Akira paced up and down the tile floor, unable to stay still for long. It was unnatural for him to be so agitated; it was so "un-Akira-like" of him. He didn't care though, not— one— bit.
Nurses and doctors walked past him quickly and in general, his surroundings depicted the frenzy of a normal Tokyo hospital. He couldn't think straight, his thoughts a jumble of words and images. It scared Akira how easily he could lose his composure when it came to him…
It was an unbreakable cycle— half of his time attempting to not think of him and half of the time realising his efforts were all in vain since the boy reigned supreme in his thoughts.
His eyes seemed to have a mind of its own and they wandered aimlessly on his surrounding until they locked together with a pair of cold hazel coloured eyes. Waya sat on the opposite side of the empty room and the tension frizzled between them. The hostility that Waya radiated was palpable in the air and Akira distinctly felt Waya's hardened eyes following his movement after he broke eye contact.
Waya had never liked him; he knew that but now he hated him. It was obvious he blamed Akira for what happened and guess what? That little bastard had a point…It was his fault…The scene replayed in his head for what seemed to be the hundredth time.
~*Flashback Begins*~
Akira couldn't face Shindo anymore— he was afraid of what he would do— what he would regret doing. Then what would Shindo think of him, huh? So he turned away, all prepared to walk away when saw Waya and the panic that was plastered on his face.
"Shindo!" the cry rang through his ears and he felt his heart clench in fright. He turned around to see a falling Shindo but he caught him before he hit the floor.
Akira felt his knees weaken under the combined weight and he sank slowly to the floor, his hold on Shindo as protective as he could muster. Shindo looked so pale and lifeless…He didn't want to let go! He was in his own world and hadn't noticed until Waya's voice broke the isolation.
When his eyes focused, he found Waya kneeling in front of him, his gaze fixed on the prone Shindo. "Shindo— Is Hikaru— Is he— ?" Waya stuttered, unsure of how to the question.
"No," Akira said thankfully, "I can feel him breathing." The rising and falling of Shindo's chest against his arms gave him some comfort as he continued. "We have to call an ambulance right away."
Waya stood up abruptly. "I'll take care of that." He shot the prone body of Shindo a meaningful glance and before he took off he asked, "Just take care of him, okay?" Although the question was directed at Akira, Waya's gaze still lingered on Shindo.
Akira smiled softly, and replied almost to himself, "I promise."
After an acknowledging nod at Akira's response, Waya ran off in search of a phone. Suddenly, Akira felt so small lost alone in the middle of a barren desert. He felt his clutch on Shindo tighten only instinctively as a desperate man hangs onto his only lifeline.
What was weird though was the odd feeling of being watched. It was uncanny, but he thought he felt another presence besides him, one that looked on at the motionless Shindo with him. Akira shook his head distractedly, "I must be losing it…"
~*Flashback Ends*~
An alien voice soon disrupted his inner ramblings and Akira came back to reality. "Touya-san? Waya-san?" A small woman with a white lab coat called out their names, while looking over the papers that were on the clipboard she carried.
Waya shot out of the chair and asked earnestly, "Dr. Yamada, how is he?"
Akira was finally able to find his voice and asked almost immediately, "Shindo-san…He's all right, isn't he?"
Dr. Yamada paused for a moment, having borne the brunt of the two boys' outbursts. "Regarding Shindo-san's condition…" Dr. Yamada stopped mid-sentence and looked around the waiting room with an inquisitive eye. She then turned to Waya. "I thought that you called Shindo-san's parents and informed them about the situation."
Waya answered almost defensively, "I did call his house but nobody picked up so I left a message."
"Ahh…Very well. Let me continue. You'll be relieved to know that Shindo-san will be all right," Akira swore he could feel the pent-up anxiety dissipate out of him. Out of the corner of his eyes, he could see Waya's shoulders visibly slacken in relief.
"Really?" Waya exclaimed in happiness.
"Really," the doctor said with a smile, clearly amused at Waya's reaction.
Akira was startled at how shaky his voice came out when he asked, "Why is he in this condition in the first place?"
Dr.Yamada sobered instantly and answered rather grimly, "I don't know the whole story yet, but with some help from the tests, I think I get the general picture." She paused unwillingly, unable to continue under the intensity of the two boys' gazes. She knew it'd break both their hearts. "By the looks of it, he hasn't eaten well these past few weeks— it almost seems like he starved himself.
Waya looked flabbergasted and for once didn't say anything. Akira was shocked into silence and when he did say something to break the silence, it sounded hysterical even to his ears. "What do you mean by that?"
Dr. Yamada was solemn when she replied, "I think you know what I mean."
The sombre mood was broken with Dr. Yamada shuffling her papers in preparation to leave. "As I said before, he'll be fine, so don't worry too much about it. You'll also be happy to know that he's allowed visitors. He's located in Rm. 613 on this floor. Just be very quiet— he's sleeping. And just inform me when Shindo-sin's parents do come, okay? With that Dr. Yamada left, leaving the two boys by themselves.
Akira wasn't sure what he should do. He was shocked yes— -that was a given— but he also felt sort of numb. He knew for sure one thing— he had to see Shindo.
He wasn't aware of his surroundings as he hurried to Shindo's hospital room. It was a weird sensation— like he was being magnetically drawn. Whatever it was, it pulled him like an invisible line. All he knew was he had to get there.
612—
the numbers stood out with glaring intensity in his eyes. He was so focused on what laid behind that door that he didn't notice a rapidly approaching figure behind him.Hands grabbed his shoulders fiercely just as he was reaching for the doorknob and pushed him forcefully against the wall. He winced as his head made contact with the wall and stars exploded in his vision. Although his vision cleared after a few seconds, pangs of dull pain still throbbed through his head as he looked up to view his attacker.
A shot of surprise ran through Akira as he spoke the name, "Waya?"
The grip on Touya's shoulder tightened as the only sign of recognition. Otherwise, nothing changed as Waya kept his head bent, almost refusing to meet eye contact. At this, anger sparked within him and with the pain still there, he shouted at Waya, "What the hell is wrong with you? Why did you do that anyway?"
"It's your fault." Although it was mumbled, it was at least an answer.
"What?" Akira questioned, not entirely sure of what he heard.
"IT'S YOUR FAULT!" exploded Waya as he jabbed Akira's shoulders into the wall.
Akira couldn't help but wince again at Waya's action of aggression. The pain that shot from his shoulders made the dull throbbing of his head even worse and beat in his ears like a continuously struck drum.
That was it. Akira lost his temper. He never lost his temper. "What the hell is your problem?!" he shouted angrily.
"What? You need me to spell it out in big, bold letter oh genius Go player?" Waya taunted.
"Stop playing games with me Waya. If you want, we can talk later. Now I'm going to go see Shindo." The flushed Akira replied as calmly as he could though his voice slightly shook with repressed anger.
Waya scoffed disdainfully at Akira's request, "Like that's the last thing Shindo needs in his life."
Touya was aware that his voice was laced with hurt when he asked, "Why do you say that?"
"And I thought you couldn't be any less dense Touya Akira."
Before Akira could snap back a retort, Waya continued, "The only reason that Shindo is in that hospital bed is because of you."
For more than once in the conversation, Touya was speechless. All he could manage was a strangled, "Why?"
Waya gave a mirthless laugh," Why? Because he fell in love with you, that's why."
At first, all Akira could do was blink back at the impact of the statement. It was as if a tidal wave had hit him full on and he was drowning…drowning in the depths of this sudden knowledge. Shindo loved him? He knew he shouldn't jump into conclusions but it filled him with an indescribable joy. All this time he had thought it was one-sided…
Silence settled over the duo as the new information sank into Akira. He still didn't quite register it. Waya suddenly interrupted this silence with an unexpected question that put Akira even more at odds, "How do you feel about him?"
Akira's throat felt parched and his tongue dry as he almost rasped the word, "Feel?"
Waya wore an irritated look at Akira's dimness and said impatiently, "What? Are you deaf now too? Yes "feel". Do you love him?" He said in a more subdued voice, "Do you love Shindo?"
Akira looked at Waya blankly and thought self-consciously that he must appear like those stupid cows with vacuous eyes in front of Waya. Of course he never cared what Waya thought of him…but that was besides the point. It was soon overshadowed by the question that rang repeatedly in his ears. "Do I love Shindo?"
How could he put it into words? Every time he heard the name Shindo Hikaru, it was as if he was reborn. Until he met Shindo, he didn't think he had a heart--he didn't think it was possible for him to care about anyone. However, Shindo proved him wrong. Shindo made him feel alive. He meant more to him than words could ever explain, yet, how could someone like Waya understand that?
A warm feeling up surged in his body and warmed his icy body. It also lent him a voice. " How can I describe what I feel Waya. I love him so much; I don't know what to do. He means so much to me that sometimes, it scares me." His voice trembled as he continued in a near-whisper, " I've never felt this way before about anybody else…"
Akira bit his lip and willed himself not to cry. He raised him eyes to meet Waya's and he felt Waya's eyes probe his mind. Why did he feel so bare? It was like he had his soul exposed to this person who was little more than a stranger.
Waya's eyes softened after a few minutes and he said almost sadly, "You do love him…I can tell…" He paused, taking a shaky breath of air, "You should go to him; you're the one he wants to see."
Akira, seeing Waya's emotional distress interrupted, "But…"
"No, let me finish." Waya's voice cracked a little as he continued, "Promise me Touya, promise me, that you'll take care of him. Please…make him happy. Y-you are the only one who can. And as long as he's happy, I'm happy. I'll just have to settle for that…" he drifted and when Waya raised his eyes, they had a forlorn look to them.
"With every power I possess, I promise," Akira gave oath, "his happiness means the world to me."
Waya gave a forced smile and walked away leaving the entrance of Shindo's hospital room free. With a deep breath that didn't calm his nerves a bit, he turned the door and entered the room.
It was a hear-wrenching sight. Akira froze mid-step and something broke inside of him. An icy chill gripped at him. A motionless Shindo lay sleeping, so pale that he shone pale blue. There was a wire on his wrist that uploaded glucose into his body and a machine that displayed his heart rate. It hurt Akira to see how vulnerable Shindo looked--so much younger than he really was.
A prickling sensation went up Akira's spine at the feeling that someone else was in the room; almost like that time he had held Shindo in his arms. Akira's intuition did not fail him since Sai was there, quietly sitting by Hikaru's side.
Looking up, he saw the hesitant Akira looking at Hikaru with what looked like hopeless despair. He knew that Hikaru would never forgive him if he missed his chance to see Touya. So, Sai gently nudged him and whispered softly, "Hikaru? Hikaru? Wake up. Touya is here to see you."
To Akira, it seemed as if it were a miracle and he felt his whole face brighten as Shindo stirred to life and opened his eyes. When Shindo caught sight of him, he gave a weak smile. "Hi."
"Hi," Akira answered back. Under Shindo's gaze, it was almost as if he lost his power of speech. He was grateful that he could even answer back even if it was a one-syllable greeting.
"I'm glad you came…" as he said this, Shindo attempted to sit up. Instinctively, Akira rushed over and helped him, carefully wrapping an arm around Shindo and pulling him up. "Thanks," said Shindo in gratitude as he was propped up.
"N-no problem," Akira murmured, as he turned his head sideways to hide the fact he was he was blushing.
As he reluctantly pulled his arm from around Shindo, bare flesh touched bare flesh and something sparked in him. A thrill of pleasure ran through his body and his body felt all too warm. When Akira looked up and met Shindo's eyes, he could tell that Shindo had felt it too.
However, he couldn't stand looking into Shindo's eyes for long. He could see the pain and the sorrow and the unshed tears sparkling in his eyes which hurt a part of him that he didn't know existed.
He knew. He knew that he was the cause of this great sadness in a boy that was the sun that shone bright in his life. Whenever Shindo spoke his name, Akira always noticed the flash of pain that crossed his face and he knew he was the cause of such unhappiness.
It was torture for him to be so close and yet so far to Shindo. To be tempted, but to no avail. Yet, it didn't matter what he wanted, what he needed…All that mattered was Shindo's happiness. If that meant that he should remain clam and collected in Shindo's presence and to keep all of his feelings repressed and unexpressed, so be it. After all, it was evident that someone like him didn't deserve Shindo. Let's just end it at that.
With a resigned sigh, Akira turned to leave but Shindo's voice trembled as entreated, "T-Touya…don't leave me…"
Akira took a deep breath, to will himself not to run back to Shindo. After all, this was for the best. "Shindo…Don't make it any harder than it has to be."
"Why Touya? Why are you denying it? I know you felt that too." Shindo's voice dropped to a near whisper, "Is it that hard for you to accept someone like me?"
Akira realized with a start, He thinks it's his fault…Oh how wrong he is! He knew that he had to say something to clear the whole thing up.
"No! Don't ever say something like that! It's not your fault at all!" Akira exclaimed as he spun around rapidly.
Shindo started in surprise at Akira's outburst. "Then what is it?!" he shouted hoarsely and broke out into a fit of coughing.
Akira rushed forward, arm outstretched to try to help Shindo but all he could do was look on helplessly. When Shindo's bout of coughing ended, Akira spoke, the words spilling softly past his lips, eyes lowered, "It's because all of this is my fault."
"What do you mean?" Shindo asked confused.
Akira continued, as the words continued to tumble out, "I already knew deep down even before Waya told me…"
Shindo interrupted not understanding Akira's ramblings and asked worriedly, "What is it Touya?"
Akira's fists shook as his sides and although he willed himself not to break down in front of Shindo— not to show how weak he really was to someone who suffered so much— but he couldn't help it. Damn it! Why couldn't he be strong?
Akira's mind was in a daze as he felt himself walk forward until his legs made contact with the solid mattresses of the bed. Suddenly, he felt the hairline crack in his fortified dam within him deepen and spread as it crumbled under the force of his incomprehensible emotions. They hit him hard and his knees gave out as he fell to the floor, as they flooded his senses. He was vaguely aware of the wetness of tears streak down his cheeks but he honestly didn't care. If Shindo shunned him, it really didn't matter anyway.
Then he felt it. An almost perceptible touch on his hand that sent a momentary tingle of warmth through his body. He raised his head up involuntarily to find Shindo smiling shyly at him and he felt himself hold his breath as something fluttered in his stomach. How could Shindo affect him like this? A slight touch, a simple smile— these were Shindo's spells over him.
Under Shindo's gaze, he suddenly felt so vulnerable— painfully aware of the tearstains on his cheeks and the puffiness of his eyes. It wasn't right he felt this way when Shindo was the one in the hospital bed. It wasn't right when he was the one who was comforted when it should be the other way around.
Akira realized that his hands felt so warm and was comforted to realize that Shindo's hands were laid over them. He sniffed as he said softly, "You don't have to do this you know."
"I know. But it's something I want to do," Shindo answered almost immediately, smiling brightly.
"I really don't deserve someone like you…" Akira muttered to himself although Shindo picked up the words accidentally.
"Is that what this is all about?"
Akira rapidly raised his head, unaware until now that his words had been heard. A flash of emotions passed across Shindo's face as if it were a window— first shock, then relief, followed by anger and rounded out by regret. Shindo's words seemed to be choked out as he said, "How could you even say something like that?"
"Shindo…" Akira attempted to placate him in vain as he continued, "I know its corny and everything but I've always believe in "The Red Thread of Fate" and even if you don't believe in it, you have to admit that there's something more…" Shindo paused a moment in an attempt to find the right word, "something more between us." Akira nodded his head in consent although the fact unnerved him.
"In my opinion the worst mistake a person can make is denying something that is already there and that is what you're doing. Excuses, excuses, all you're doing are hiding behind your excuses— why can't you just admit it Touya?"
With that said, Shindo broke into silent sobs and to Akira, it seemed that in an instant everything was made clear. The haze that had clouded his mind lifted and he knew exactly what he had to do.
He gently pulled his hands away from Shindo's grip and raised them forward to hold Shindo's face. He felt his breath catch at the smooth feel of Shindo's skin and was filled with a building nervousness. The heat that had risen to Hikaru's cheeks warmed his hands and a dreadful apprehension replaced the nervousness. What am I doing? Am I out of my mind? I possibly can't be thinking…
Yet, when his eyes landed on Shindo— his sparkling brown eyes, his pert nose, and his inviting lips…All of his doubts dissipated and he leant forward and caught Shindo's lips with his own.
Akira felt Shindo's startled gasp against his mouth but he couldn't pull back. A strange trill ran through him at the contact and a sudden hunger sprang into life. He wasn't aware when the kiss deepened— when Shindo's lips pushed against his own with the same hunger that he felt. Shindo's lips— they tasted like honey— a sweetness savoured with every passing moment. He suddenly realized he was in desperate need of air and he pulled away, slightly panting.
He felt Shindo's warm breath against his cheeks and he looked up to meet Shindo's eyes. They sparkled with such life that he felt a surge of happiness fill him. Oh how long he had wished that he would be the one to make Shindo feel this way!
"Hikaru…" he murmured softly.
Shindo smiled— a smile that lit up his face and he said teasingly, "That's the first time you called me by my first name…Akira."
Akira smiled back shyly in response and was high on euphoria when he was startled out of his reverie. Shindo had bent forward, teeth nibbling softly on the side of his neck. He worked his way up the tender skin, filling Akira with such desire that he felt all his senses were on overload.
When Shindo stopped, a yearning made itself known for Shindo's touch and was heightened when Shindo took the liberty to whisper into Akira's ear, "How do you like that?"
"Don't tempt me Shindo," Touya almost gasped as his insatiable hunger roared back to life.
He wrapped his arms around Shindo, who gave a little laugh of delight, and leant forward again, mouth slightly open. This time, Hikaru arose to the challenge and met Touya's lips halfway. If the first kiss was amazing, the second was simply indescribable.
Akira's tongue tentatively made its way into Shindo's mouth--strange and unexplored territory. He elicited a slight groan from Shindo who fought back with determination, tongue against tongue.
He felt Shindo's fingers tangled in his hair and of the fabric of the hospital gown as he ran his hands up and down Shindo's back. It seemed as if the world consisted of only the two of them; his view of the world contained only Shindo and how he made him feel— how he made him feel like a person. It couldn't be denied— they were meant for each other and when they unwillingly pulled away and Shindo smiled that smile of is, it seemed to him that everything was right in the world.
He gathered Shindo in his arms, to prove to himself that Shindo was actually there and not simply an illusion. This isn't a dream…This is actually real… Akira though wonderingly as he felt the beat of Shindo's heart over his own.
A few moments passed and Akira heard Shindo breathe the even breath of sleeping. Once— it almost seemed like an eternity had passed— he had thought Go was his life. Then he looked down at the blissful Shindo sleeping in his arms and gave a sigh of contentment. Now he thought otherwise.
THE END
OWARI