Author's Note: This fic is for my Secret Santa, wheres-lassie, in the McSwarek Secret Santa Exchange over on tumblr—I hope you like it, love! I was inspired to write this after hearing "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" by Digital Daggers on the radio. This is set after the season two finale, when all was blissful and lovely in the world of McSwarek, but let's pretend that all of the stuff with Jamie Brennan happened just before Christmas. Happy reading!
"From now on our troubles will be out of sight…" Andy McNally sniffled and closed her eyes as an unwanted tear fell from her eyes as the haunting melody emitting from the radio filled her ears. Her heart broke all over again with every note as her mind, once again, turned to Sam Swarek.
It had been only two weeks since she and Sam had been separated by their suspension for conduct unbecoming, a fact she had been mortified of to inform her father, and the separation had been much more painful than she'd believed it would be. When he'd asked her to be normal that night and she'd said yes, she meant it. But then they'd both gotten a text from Frank early the next morning reminding them of the no contact rule and she'd left before he woke up, knowing that if she tried to write a note explaining her actions she'd either chicken out or he'd convince her otherwise. Not even 24 hours later, she regretted her decision to leave and wished that she could take it all back.
Andy was well aware that Sam would have happily bent the rules to be with her, but she couldn't live with herself if he ended his career for her. He was too good of a cop to be brought down by some rookie he'd fooled around with on an undercover assignment and she could never live with herself if his career ended because of her.
But, that didn't make her want to be with him at this moment any less.
Usually she was able to spend her nights distracting herself from thoughts of Sam Swarek with the company of her friends, but tonight they were expected at the Penny for the annual division Christmas party—an event she would have felt uncomfortable attending even if she had been invited. So here she sat instead, alone in the dark on the couch listening to Christmas and crying over a guy—an act so horrifyingly pathetic she could hardly bare to think of it.
Suddenly there came a loud crash from the hall outside of her apartment, startling her mind back into the present time. She jumped up to go investigate but, before she could even open the door, there was a loud thump against her front door followed by a series of quiet curses. Then, just as in her dreams, she heard Sam's voice calling her name.
"Andy!" He yelled, a series of three more thumps crashing against the door following his exclamation of her name. She stood in the centre of the room, so transfixed by the sound of his voice the thought of letting him in did not once cross her mind. Thankfully, it was the only thing on Sam's mind. "Open the door!"
Without argument, Andy rushed over to the door and threw it open just as Sam once again raised his fist to knock. He halted just in the nick of time, his face evidently surprised by how quickly she'd opened the door at his command. Andy McNally was nothing if not stubborn.
The two stood silently in the doorway for at least thirty seconds before a neighbour poked her head out the door, raising an eyebrow at the two transfixed suspended officers. At her pointed cough, they glanced in her direction before silently entering Andy's apartment without a word passed between them.
Andy's apartment was silent for the most part, aside from the low murmur of the radio still playing the music of Digital Daggers. Her eyes glanced at it briefly before returning to Sam, unsure of where to even begin this conversation. Sam sensed her struggle and took a deep breath before speaking, his eyes trained firmly on her own.
"You left." He said simply, his tone accusatory and amused all at once. "I woke up and you were just…gone."
"I'm sorry." She said immediately, though she paused afterward to let the words sink in before she continued. Was she truly sorry? Yes, for leaving. But for trying to maintain his career? Not in the slightest. "I just—"
"I know why you left." He interrupted her, as if he hadn't even heard her. "And I want you to know that I don't care."
"But you—"
"Andy." The way he said her name made her shut up immediately, a shiver running up her spine at the raspy edge to his voice in that moment. "I don't care."
"But you should." She said a beat later, her voice just barely above a whisper as tears traitorously sprain to her eyes once more. "Sam, I don't want you to throw away—"
"My career?" He filled in the blanks for her, raising an eyebrow in amusement at her willingness to sacrifice her own happiness for his career without even a second thought of her own. Though, he was more flattered than amused. "Andy, you…you mean more to me than my career."
"But all you've ever wanted was to be a cop." She argued, though she knew it was a weak one. He'd told her about how it was an astronaut as a child, a mechanic as a confused tween, and then ultimately a cop in his late teens when one gave him a break and the scared little boy still inside of him finally knew how to help his sister.
"No." He shook his head, taking a step closer to her as she unconsciously backed up against the wall at his mercy. "All I've ever wanted is you."
All of the air seemed to whoosh out of her lungs at his statement and she bit her lip, silently willing the new wave of tears to stay at bay. It was, no question, the sweetest thing anyone had ever said to her and she could hardly believe it had come from the cool cop Sam Swarek. The thought alone, that Sam Swarek wanted her, was enough to take her breath away.
"Do you want me too?" He asked her, an unexpected and rare tone of vulnerability in his voice. She nodded silently, her voice thick with emotion once she spoke.
"More than anything."
"Then forget the rules." He said, dipping his head forward to brush his lips against her cheek as her eyes fell closed. "Forget my job." His lips traced a path up to her forehead, sending a pleasured shiver down her spine once more. "Forget everything else standing in our way." She sighed as his lips reached her ears, his voice just above a whisper. "And just want me."
"Ok." She breathed, opening her eyes as her hands slowly moved up to cup his cheeks. He pulled back from her ear to look at her and then, in a moment in which time had frozen, she stretched up on her tiptoes to meet his waiting lips. Finally, finally, they were on the same page.
"So have yourself a merry little Christmas now…"