A/n: I am starting new so lemme know what you all think I still may need to go back an edit things but please let me know what you think. Thank you.

Chapter One

After leaving Christian that heartbreaking day I didn't go anywhere. I stayed inside. I cried and cried. I cried myself to sleep. My body was so emotionally and physically drained. I love Christian. And I don't think I would ever love anyone like the way I love Christian. We had this special connection that I would never have with anyone else.

I didn't understand why he acted as if someone loving him was such a dreadful disease. He deserves to be loved. After everything he has gone through in his life he deserves to be loved. Not to be beaten, neglected or hated like he was as a child. The stories he told me about his childhood still torment me to this day.

I needed Christian but he didn't want me. He couldn't be with me the way I wanted him to be with me. He wanted to control me, beat me and just plain fuck me. He didn't have sex. He didn't make love. He fucked. And he fucked hard. He made that perfectly clear the first time he took my v-card. But he was gentle and so caring. I saw something else that I couldn't put my finger on when I looked into the dark gray eyes. We shared something special I just wished he'd tell me what he was thinking and feeling inside.

It was why I had to leave. I wanted to see how bad the BDSM that he needed so badly could get. He chased me around the house which aroused me even more and it was thrilling but when he caught me he hurt me. Hurt me bad. He beat me hard with a cane like he was disciplining a child. And the sick thing is he liked it. The thought of causing someone pain aroused him. It made me sick. I screamed at him. I called him a freak and ran into the spare room I stayed in at the penthouse. There I cried myself to sleep and there I made the decision I had to leave.

But the look on his face when I left nearly broke me in two. Like a lost child. Like his childhood all over again. I hated myself for putting him in pain but I had to. I had to take care of myself. Look out for myself. What good that did. Look at me now? I'm a mess. I cry, barely eat and barely sleep. Kate would be returning from her family trip soon. I was glad she clicked with Elliott and I was glad they were in love. I just wished that would happen with me.

I glanced at the clock it was three in the morning. My stomach was grumbling. I was starving. Slowly I swung my legs to the side of the bed. I loved our new place. It was amazing and perfect. But being alone here didn't help my heartbreak. I wished Kate were here. Slowly I rose to my feet and headed toward the stairs. Slowly making my way down the circular staircase I spotted two headlights of a car sitting outside my house. It was dark inside so no one knew I was awake. Slowly I made my way toward the window where I spotted a black Lincoln.

I knew whose car that was and I wasn't happy she was stalking me. Elena. Christian and I weren't together. Wasn't that enough? I hated her. I have always hated her. She is a sick monster who preys on young children. She's why Christian is the way he is. She's a monster if you ask. I rolled my eyes as I made my way to the kitchen.

As I was grabbing a bowl of ice cream I heard the door slam shut. "Shh Ana's sleeping." I smiled knowing that voice clear as day. Kate. I dashed toward the Foyer. Where I spotted Kate and Elliott. They were soaking wet from the rain. "Ana, I didn't think you'd be awake." Kate said surprised to see me.

"Yeah, I haven't been sleeping."

I avoided Kate's eyes. She knew something was wrong. I think anyone could tell. "Ana what is wrong? You look like hell." Kate said.

"What did Christian do?" Elliott asked.

"I'm just not the girl for him."

I swallowed hard to stop the tears from flowing as I spoke his name. "Come here Ana." Before I could protest Elliott pulled me into a firm hug. He was strong. A lot like Christian. "My brother has been through a lot. I know he cares deeply for you. He had a rough upbringing until my parents adopted them. It's hard for him to let someone close never mind love him. He still thinks he doesn't deserve love. And maybe that's why he's pushing you away. All I can say is please don't give up on him. I'll talk to him." Elliott whispered.

I nodded my head fighting back tears. Pulling from his embrace I headed toward the kitchen giving them alone time. Elliott was a great guy. Very handsome. This is one of the reasons Kate couldn't keep her hands off of him. Elliott was tall, tanned muscular skin with bright blue eyes and broad shoulders. You could see every muscle in his body and the blonde tousled hair that Kate said was sexy oh and who could forget those dimples. He's a great catch for Kate. Owns his own construction company. I hoped he was right. But I had my doubts. I just needed time.

I took a seat on the couch in the living room. I loved the layout of this townhouse. The living room was off of the Kitchen. I sank in the sofa eating in quiet until I heard the front door shut. Elliott was on his way to see Christian I am sure he would tell him how I was doing. Or how I wasn't doing well. I wondered if Christian missed me. Or did he already have a new sex toy? A new person to do BDSM with. Something I wanted to do for him but I couldn't. Ok, I couldn't kid there was some things I didn't mind. But the spanking and the caning was what I couldn't take. "Ok spill" Kate said joining me on the couch. I knew this was going to happen.

"There's nothing to spill Kate I'm just not the girl for him. Simple as that." I said spooning more ice cream into my mouth.

I glanced up to see Kate giving me this look. That look that said I know you are lying to me. She glared at me with her arms crossed. "Ana, seriously you suck at lying." I groaned knowing she was right. Rising to my feet I tossed the spoon in the sink and the empty container into the garbage. I could feel the tears rising to the surface. "Ana"

Taking a deep breath I turned to face Kate as the tears began to stream down my face. "I love him Kate. I love him so much. We have this connection that I cannot explain. A connection I have never felt with anyone and I don't think I'll ever have with anyone but him." I trembled. "He's broken and I want to fix him. He deserves so much. He deserves to be loved. He is so thoughtful and caring about others and if it weren't for that…."

"You mean Elena?" Kate said.

I froze. Did she know about Elena? Did she know what Elena did to Christian? Does Elliott know? What about Mia? I didn't want to say anything. I didn't want to give anything away. "Ana its ok I know."

"Know what?" I asked.

"I know about Elena and Elliott and the lifestyle he wants because of her."

"I don't know what you are talking about." I said making my way to the sink.

Kate scoffed as she followed behind me. She wasn't going to give up. That is why Kate is going to be an amazing journalist. "Look Ana I know. Elliott knows. Even Mia knows and no I didn't tell them. They have known about what Elena did. She seduced a young venerable boy who was having a hard time with life. A boy who had a tough upbringing. So she controlled him. Made him obey. BDSM as we call it. And now that is the only lifestyle Christian knows and I know you were into it with him until recently. So what happened?"

Tears filled my eyes as she said those words. She knew all the horrible things Christian had to go through. And she knew the path Elena brought Christian into. Did his parents know? "Do Grace and Carrick know?" I asked.

"No, Elliott and Mia think its best that he tells them on his own. If he tells them. Now what happened? Did he hurt you?"

"Yes and no." I said.

"What do you mean yes and no?"

"I want to part of Christian's world. Part of his life. He has everything he could ever possibly need but then he showed an interest me and I didn't understand why. He made me feel beautiful and like I stood on top of the world. Well I wanted to see how bad it got. How bad he could hurt me. So he chased me around the penthouse. When he caught me he spanked me hard with a cane. I cried and called him a freak. I ran to the spare room and cried myself to sleep. When I awoke I told him I love him and he acted like it was this disease and I don't understand why. If anything he deserves to be loved. Everyone does." I trembled.

"Oh Ana"

Kate marched toward where I stood taking me into her arms as she held me tight. It was nice to have my best friend back in my life. I needed her. I don't know what I would do without her. "He loves you Ana I know he does because a man doesn't buy you a car, a phone, an I-pad or a phone if he doesn't care. And not to mention those four thousand dollar books. Some men show how they feel through gifts maybe that's Christian." Kate whispered.

Gently pulling from her embrace I wiped the tears from my face. "Come on let's get some sleep and tomorrow night we'll have a great time." Kate said.

"I'd like that."

I smiled as we headed toward the stairs. As we approached the stairs Kate's brother Ethan entered the townhouse. He looked exhausted. I couldn't help but laugh. "Hi and goodnight." Ethan said. Ethan has always wanted something with me but he was like a brother to me. I have known Kate a long time and it's her brother. I could never do that to her and not to mention I just don't feel anything for him.

After bidding goodnight to Kate I entered my room closing the door behind me as I glanced around and smiled. I loved our new place. I loved my room. It was the one place I could go to relax although lately not even that worked. Gray and black textured walls with a dome light above my king sized bed that was laid in a lilac comforter. My white desk sat at the opposite wall. I had a white vanity dresser with pictures on top of it against the left wall and a bookshelf with books against the wall on the right with a small purple egg shaped chair that sat in front of it. I even had a walk in closet. A normal walk in closet not a Christian Grey walk in closet. My smiled faded when I thought of his name and glanced at a picture of my dresser. I missed him so much.

Heading towards my bed I climbed into bed as I snuggled up with my comforter thinking of only him. I decided to text one person I could ask about Christian. Mia. I knew it was late but it was Mia.

Ana: How is he?
Mia: Honestly? Miserable. How are you doing?
Ana: I'd be lying if I told you I was fine.
Mia: Oh Ana hunny :(

Quickly I placed my phone on the nightstand as I closed my eyes. I would try to get some sleep. But I knew sleep wasn't going to come easily. Not when my heart was aching for him and my mind was telling me to forget him which I couldn't. I don't think I ever could forget him. I didn't know what it felt like to be cared for, to be in a relationship or how it felt to be in love. And it was amazing. A feeling I never want to forget.

Christian

I sat at my piano playing a depressing melody as I sipped a glass of bourbon. Elliott was going to be here soon. I wondered if he saw Ana. Did she miss me? Did she ask about me? God why am I acting like this. I need control. I want control. My life was perfect. I had everything I wanted. Everything ran the way I wanted it to. I had control and then….Ana walked into my life tearing everything up like a hurricane. Leaving me at a stand still. I fell in love.

But I don't deserve her. I don't deserve to be loved. I'm a bastard child. A child that no man or woman would ever love. I am Christian Grey Chicago's richest man. CEO of Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. I groaned as my mind went to Ana again. That smile. The way her eyes and her face lit up every time she laughed and smiled.

"You miss her don't you?"

I glanced up and saw my brother strolling through the foyer. I smiled when I saw how tan he was. Barbados must have been good for him. I envy my brother. He had what I wanted but I could never have. I wanted to try and have a normal vanilla and maybe some light kinkery relationship but I knew that wasn't possible. I needed control and Ana was defiant, witty, devious at times, had a smart mouth, head strong, smart, sexy and just so extraudinary. "Your back." I mumbled beginning the depressing tune again.

"Christian cut the bull crap what happened?"

"Just drop it." I snapped.

"Look, you love her admit. Just tell her already. This is tearing you both apart."

My hands froze. Tearing us both apart? Was Ana upset? More than she let on? More than anyone let on? "What do you mean tearing us both apart?" I asked.

"You obviously are up for a reason and Ana looks as if all she's been doing is crying and barely eating. She's a mess."

I slammed the piano cover down as I rested my chin on top of my hands with my elbows resting on top of the piano. It pained me to think tears streamed down that pretty face. It pained me to know I was the reason she was so hurt. So upset no one was to blame except me.

"You don't understand Elliott."

"I understand more than you know." Elliott said.

I glanced up at my brother. He had this look he gave when he figured out a big secret. Did he know about my lifestyle? Did Ana tell them? She wouldn't do that would she? "Ana didn't tell me anything. Mia and I have known about your affair with Elena and about your lifestyle a long time. Don't worry we didn't tell mom or dad. But Christian Elena doesn't want you happy she doesn't want to see you with anyone and she certainly doesn't want you with Ana. She want's control over you. Don't let her come between you and Ana." Elliott said. "And another thing your my brother I will love you no matter what."

I watched as my brother stormed out of the family room and toward the foyer. He came all the way here to tell me that. And now I would be thinking of Ana all night. And worst of all I had a business lunch with Elena tomorrow. Nothing was going on between Elena and I anymore. Hasn't been for years and that is how it would stay. What did he mean by Elena hates Elena? Why? How could anyone hate Ana?