Where have they lured thee to wander,
O my lost lover?
(91)
Tessa decides, at some point, that watching someone you love die slowly in front of your eyes is the worst kind of heartbreak there is. She finds it hard, sometimes, to explain the way that the two women she loves sit together in her heart, equally divided in two, and how each rips her heart apart in different ways. The words of the curse sit like a vulture on Will's back and she tried so hard to make it so, that she could not see that it didn't work until it was too late. Jem is bright despite her illness, but she cannot hide the way that her eyes always flicker towards the medication first or how, when they finally get her to agree to going to hospital, she is relieved to finally be there.
Tessa sits by Jem's bed late into the night, holding her hand and watching the lines of her face until she feels asleep. She wakes up in the night to see Jem looking up at her, eyes bright and tear-twinkling. She sits up to lean close, pressing a final kiss to her lips and then whispering in her ear 'Goodbye, Tessa, my love. Go back to sleep.'
/
When Tessa wakes, Jem is gone and Will is distraught, the world falls down around their ears and they are fighting for their lives, always – creatures of silver and red, live fast die young, a Shadowhunter's life is never long. When Tessa next sees Jem it is in the middle of battle, and then comes the long night and the endless waiting.
Will, bless her, loves with all her heart. They are happy together and they have a life, and a family, and when Will finally dies Tessa adds it to her catalogue of sorrows. She thinks of Jem, sometimes – thinks of her washing blood from her hands, thinks of her playing with her eyes shut, thinks of her pulling Tessa onto her bed and running her hands all over her like she can't believe she's real.
She remembers Jem how she thinks Jem would want to be remembered – vibrant and alive, eyes bright and skin warm, energy thrumming beneath her veins and so, so full of love. Not like she is now, not something else, a part of her world and yet distant, mouth silent and eyes full of filtered compassion, like the grains that still make it into your coffee. She remembers her when they were young and full of life and full of love. She stands at Will's grave and clutches her fist around the flowers and remembers seeing the two of them stretched out before the fire, worn out and chest heaving and remembers how she loved them both so much then, and she keeps waiting.
/
It takes her nearly a century, but one day they speak again. They have been separated so long, Tessa has travelled the world and Jem has seen things she will never be able to talk about, but they are together.
Tessa stands on the bridge, wind whipping her hair around her face and eyes unfocused, seeing not the water before her but the world ahead of her, filled with experiences with which she can try and plug the heart shaped hole in her chest. She feels someone stand behind her, but she can't bring herself to move her eyes until Jem's voice starts to sound in her ears, physical and very real.
She turns and Jem is there, a little older than when she didn't die, but still unmistakeable Jem, 100 years later. Tessa opens her mouth by Jem cuts her off, speaking in short sentences and a soft voice, unused to speaking physical words.
'They learnt something new from me – there's a time limit to these things. And I'm mortal now – physically I'm in my twenties which nowadays means I have at least eight years left. I mean, it's not certain – we are still Shadowhunters – but it's a chance. It's a chance I didn't have before. And I know that maybe this makes me your third choice, but I was thinking. I was talking to Magnus, before it lifted, and he told me about a boy he loved. The boy destroyed things between them, because the idea of immortality was too hard. Not that only he would grow old, but that Magnus was so much older than him. He loved before him, and he would love afterwards. I know, Tessa. I know that I am mortal and that you are not, and that you have loved me and Will and that when I die, you will keep on going and will love after us.
I know, Tessa. And I need you to know that I don't care. That this little span of my life is good enough for me, that I already had so much longer than I deserved with you, and with her. The last dream of my soul, did she say once? I know that is yours, and not ours, but I know what she means. I always knew.'
And Tessa waits for her throat to unclog before she speaks.
'If I could go back, I would tell myself to calm down, because it would be okay. He said, once – he said that I was lucky to have two. He never knew, really. I don't know if he ever understood – that boy, he said it was It. He loved before and would afterwards but that was the one. Jem, you and Will were and always will be the two.'
It hurts too much to look Jem in the eyes and she can barely bring herself to touch her, whole and human and mortal, but it hurts worse not to, so she flings her arms around Jem's shoulders.
'I spent so long waiting and it hurts even now, but Jem I love you. And if you give me time, Jem, just time – I have so much of it, I will be able to love you as you deserve. It's still too raw, and you're still too human.'
But somewhere in the past Tessa sits alone in a dark room and lets tears drop from her eyes as she remembers the first dreams of her soul, and waits for oblivion and the last light to come.
I had a bad day and wrote angst.
Will = Wilhemina (Will for short); Jem = Jemma (Jem for short). Excuses, I have them.