Disclaimer: You know what? I'm going to be snarky and say why do you need it when the site is clearly called FANfiction
AN: Yeah, yeah, what are you all looking at? It's not like I dropped off the grid.
For you, the one whose been dropping a ton of those oh so subtle hints for me to do something after it being nearly a year (actually you've been doing it way before, you're really good about nagging about it, not to mention at dropping all these uninspired jokes). Take joy in this somewhat extra long oneshot, though I'll admit I have to grudgingly thank you for this coming out. Also thanks to my English teacher for giving me an excuse to post something.
This was his fault. The statement continued to resound within his mind and conscious, he bit back the urge to curse at himself. How could he have been stupid? How could he have let this happen? Why wasn't he careful? Why hadn't he listened to her? Why was it that he didn't pay for his own actions? Well he did, but why were others dragged into it?
The veil that was his ego was gone and the effects were similar to that of having a protective skin torn away, leaving him vulnerable to the diseases of the world. The truth. "There is only one truth," he repeated with a mirthless laugh, oh he had been right all along, so horribly correct. He was it, the person that had just discovered the reality behind it all. He was a fool. An arrogant fool whose pride had sent everyone to hell. Ran, her parents, his parents, Hakase, the Detective Boys, and even Sonoko, he had put them and just about anyone else he befriended at risk when he had been so absorbed in his own matters. He walked straight into them without another thought, expecting things to go smoothly. Not that they didn't, he thought as he clenched his fists, most of the time anyway.
Haibara had appeared out of nowhere, her presence had been a constant, abrupt anchor to reality that halted his carefree stance as he sailed through his own world and fantasies. He had hated it the constant stops or interferences she brought arguing that she was wrong. She was just as stubborn as he was, refusing to budge from her stance. She was paranoid, he reasoned, she was too afraid of straying away from the shadows and into the light where reality was. There was no way you could get anything done her way, he argued, not to mention it was as if she was ready to die rather than fight. What she called caution and rational wasn't strength, it was both weakness and cowardice.
The first real clash between them came when he found the Black Organization again. He distinctly remembered the energy and excitement that had rushed through his veins upon spotting Gin's car. The rush increased to higher levels when he confirmed the driver and the passenger were indeed the people in question. Being the detective he was, instincts kicked in and he was inclined to investigate the motives behind their presence before he would apprehend them.
His companion didn't share his excitement. Incidentally her reaction had been the entire opposite. While he was hot with excitement, barely able to prevent himself from moving, she had paled considerably, she was cold, almost as stiff as a plank, seemingly unable to move. She had urged him to walk away while it was still safe, to ensure everyone's safety. Being the reckless, selfish, so-called hero he was, he didn't listen and decided to go on his own. She, being the paranoid person that she was, refused to leave him alone and had followed, not that he really cared. He was too enchanted by the idea of possible success. The result? He was awarded a lesson of caution and humility at the cost of a near-death experience for her. She was on crutches for several weeks after suffering the bullet wounds and had more or less told him he had been an idiot and the events that had occurred proved that the Organization wasn't something to be taken lightly like an ordinary case.
Her words didn't sink in, she had always been the pessimist, that and her fear always clouded her judgment, or so he believed. He was in the right, he was serving for justice, not letting evil slide like her. Heroes didn't pick their battles, if they did, evil would have infested the entire place to begin with. She merely scoffed at his argument, dismissing it as another reason as to why he was stupid.
She was right. The constant, steady beeps emitted from the machines that were attached to her were proof and mockery of his delusional ideals. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he could hear Ran arguing with her father over his well-being. For once the drunk displayed some level of competence (and some degree of soberness), arguing that it was better to leave him where he was. "A man has to face his failures, and a detective has to count his sins when he fails his client. Leave him be," were the last muffled words he heard before the footsteps indicated their departure.
Ran didn't understand, and he doubted she would ever understand. For once, he was glad that her father was in the same field of work. He had failed his client, broke the sacred promise every detective made when they took up a case. He failed Haibara multiple times actually, willingly putting her in danger and going against her wishes, despite the policies that he should have maintained, "I'm an idiot for ignoring all the consequences of my actions," he murmured.
A harsh, bitter, ugly laugh forced its way out of his mouth, "I'm counting up and facing all my sins right now Haibara. You tried to make me see the truth didn't you?."
No response from said woman except her ragged breathing, "I'm a selfish, arrogant, reckless, naive, stupid asshole that hides under the guise of justifying all his flaws and actions with the lie of being a hero and a detective. I'm the one that caused everyone to land into these messes. I failed you in less than a month after I met you. I dragged you into so many near-death experiences where you came out with various wounds and I left the conflict seemingly untouched."
"In a way I guess I thought it was also partially your fault when you suffered during those incidents. I certainly didn't think I caused any of it. After all, you were the one who destroyed the entire plan I had during our first encounter with Vermouth. I thought you made things worse because of that, but maybe…no you definitely saw things that would happen much further down the road than I did. You knew the facts, you knew the reality of the situation, and you knew the flaws of the plan. You knew what hell was and I, being the ignorant fool, decided to blindly walk right off the edge enchanted by all the lies before me."
"I guess, like you said, my inflated ego, ultimately brings the topic back to me again, even when I'm talking about you. You really know me to well," he said with a mirthless laugh. Seconds later the doctors in charge of checking her condition entered. He made a quick run over Haibara's condition before casting a sympathetic glance towards him.
"She's lucky that she's even alive right now," was all the doctor said, as if reading his thoughts before exiting.
He wasn't sure what to feel at the moment, nor was he able to articulate the exact emotions that were running through him. Their relationship was…complicated. She was his friend, except friends didn't really describe it that well. Not one of his friends held would ever be the carrier of all his secrets, or all his burdens. Heji? While they could relate, Heji wasn't exactly able to come to his aid at all times nor did Shinichi find Heji to be his first choice.
Ran? Despite all his, hers and everyone's talk about how close they were, and how it would lead further to romance, she was even further out of loop than Heji was, not to mention their strained relationship upon his arrival as Shinichi and the departure of Conan. No, he rarely confided in her, not because he didn't trust her, his ego had prevented him from seeking her out in most cases when they were in high school. His reason for leaving her in the dark was justified, but it also said something about them the more he thought about it now that his ego and denial were gone.
The gap between them became much more apparent the more time he spent living his life as Conan. The fact that a simple lie generated from a pair of glasses was enough to deceive her for so long now made him realize that perhaps they were no longer as close as they used to be. She didn't recognize or see him. Instead she saw a fragment of his past and someone else entirely different when she actually looked at him. To put simply, he, the real Shinichi Kudo, had become invisible to her.
It wasn't just her though. The more he thought about it, the more he realized how he really was invisible to most. The memories and images of him would be remembered, but they would never be able to see beyond that. When they saw him, he would just be that. Not a person, but a memory, an archived image. Not to mention the words of the media would carry more weight than his actual actions.
So did that make Haibara more important than Ran as well, despite the fact that he loved the latter? He wasn't sure, but he was sure of one thing, if Haibara hadn't arrived, he wouldn't have changed. She brought something in his life that had changed him entirely: uncertainty. She was the embodiment of it. He never could quite figure her out; actions both small and large. She brought unanswered questions and being the detective he was, he was inclined to learn the truth, leading him to learn things and grow. She was the one that exposed him to the harsh, blinding light of reality Ironic really, considering she was the one that lurked in the darkness, but could see everything while he thrived in the light, but was shrouded in dark, unable to see reality.
She always had profound impacts on him, leading him to question everything. Even now he was lost in his own emotion turmoil. One thing he was certain of though, despite all their antics, conflicts, and his inability to fully grasp it all, he knew the lump in his throat meant something as time continued to pass. Sadness.
"I never got around to telling you this, not that I would ever let you hear it, but you taught me a lot you know," he mumbled. Really if she was conscious right now, she would have been scoffing at his folly.
"She's dead you know, no use in talking to corpses, unless this one is something special to you. Surprising really considering your love for all these cases bring them to you corpse magnet. You'd think you'd be immune to it by now," he could almost hear her stating those words with a smirk and followed by a half-smile. He clenched his fists, shaking the thoughts away. This wasn't any person on the brink of death. This was Haibara. Couldn't she understand her own importance to him?
"Now do you understand why I said it was better to avoid confronting the Black Organization?
…he gritted his teeth upon remembering those words.
"Why didn't you save her? Despite your intelligence, despite your skills, why couldn't you save her?"
No, stop it…
"Haven't you figured it out yet? That woman that you failed to save when she had the run in the Organization…That was Miyano Akemi. MY SISTER."
He knew. He knew had failed his client before she had even sought him out. She had forgiven him and they had learned to move past it. It was inevitable and the past was unchangeable…
"I trusted you to come and save us and even waited. I never thought it'd come to the point where I had to take the prototype to return to my former body"
The final words slammed into him with much greater force than anything that existed or he could imagine. Despite the seemingly endless amount of criticism she had, this could potentially be the last and almost the worst. This was his punishment for stumbling around the dark rather than following the light. This was his punishment for letting his ego get the better of him rather than follow her advice.
He was forced to face the harshness of the light, the truth and his sins all at once. It was maddening. The world seemed to fade away as he found himself facing every moment with her words, whether it included success, failure, humor, anger, danger, safety, comfort, happiness, or loneliness they remained. Taunting him. Hinting at the possibility of losing the chance of having any new moments or interactions, leaving him with nothing but the memories and the guilt that would invade all of his senses until he was driven mad by suffocating on it.
He didn't want her to go, he didn't want to be left in the darkness again, and he didn't want to continue without her insight. He didn't want to go back to the way he was, but he didn't want to change. Not like this, not without her. He didn't want to start over, that would mean all her efforts would have gone in vain and to just forget it and all.
"Damnit Haib—Miyano," he stopped using the name he was so familiar with, midway deciding it was time to use her real name. They were no longer living their lies, no longer deceiving everyone else and themselves. No, he was seeing the real her, not Ai Haibara nor Sherry of the Black Organization, he was looking at Shiho Miyano it was time for him to face her the way she was, especially now.
"There's so much more waiting for us in life, you can't just drop out on everything and everyone now. You still have to reintroduce yourself as my friend, and you have to be around to drop your annoying sarcastic comments whenever we're hanging out. You have to…" he choked back his next words before he could speak, refusing to give in and cry, "You have to stand by me when we take out the Organization together so I can say 'I told you so' so that you can scoff and reply with your usual sarcastic comments with a smirk leading me to scowl and grumble in defeat."
No response again, she wasn't waking up, talking to someone like this clearly demonstrated his sanity was questionable. He didn't care, his mouth continued to babble on as his hands fumbled for hers. Pale, soft, delicate, elegant, cold, something that didn't quite suit her personality yet fit her perfectly, "I guess all this pain I'm feeling is from the accumulated amount of things I've knowingly done wrong, and it's a lesson for me to learn. I get that, I get that it was inevitable for me to pay for my reckless and selfish actions, but…not like this. Not like this, it's just not right."
He raised his head angrily, unaware several tears streaking down his face as he spoke, "You can hear me can't you?" he whispered weakly, "You wanted this to happen didn't you? I get it Karma's a bitch and it exits, but why…" he stumbled on his words again, refusing to cry in front of her or show weakness, so he conveyed his emotions into something else: anger.
"Why did you let that happen to her?" he exploded, words becoming increasingly more destructive, "Why did you just sit idly there watching that place burn? You let her get shot. She didn't deserve that. She was forced to make those things that killed people, she's already lost her sister, and she's dedicated her life to helping people, so why is she is on the hospital bed at the brink of death when she didn't do anything wrong? She's atoning for her sins, she shouldn't be paying for my mistakes!"
He was met with silence again, and it did nothing but fuel the roaring anger that was pounding against his head, "DAMNIT" he roared kicking aside the unoccupied chair beside his, "Why can't everything just work out like the usually do when I want it to?"
"I knew you didn't exist anyway," he muttered bitterly, "Reality is too cruel for anything to be perfect."
The sounds of wheels pulling to a stop suddenly caught his attention before the door opened. An overweight man in his late fifties looked towards him curiously, "Everything alright in there?" he asked before his gaze fell upon the patient, his gaze became sympathetic, "You know you're not the first one that's been angry in here, happens all the time."
"What do you know?" Shinichi found himself asking scathingly. This man could never fathom the pain he was going through, nor would he ever be able to. His life was too exceedingly simple to suffer such great losses.
"Everyone gets angry when they realize they might have someone taken from them. Then they start blaming things because those emotions get the better of them when they're facing that possible loss. Doesn't matter what it is, it just happens," the elderly janitor said as he entered the room, shutting the door behind him.
"What are you saying?" Shinichi asked viciously, the words of the janitor visibly aggravating him even further. What was the man thinking? Was he trying to simplify his suffering, his loss, and his friend's predicament.?
"Everyone dies son. You can't stop it. Everyone loses someone sooner or later, and everyone suffers when it happens. What do you think the other visitors feel when they see their loved ones lying on the bed?"
"You don't understand…" Shinichi began.
"Believe me I do, I see this happen everyday when I make my rounds here kid. People always feel sad when they realize they have to let someone go and that's to be expected. If you're a good person, otherwise you wouldn't feel these emotions nor would you have someone to feel this grief for, but " his sympathetic tone and gaze hardened into something more serious, an emotion that Shinichi all too well recognized from the girl resting on the bed: Disapproval, "Do you think you're living your life the way said person expected to you when you display this side of you? Where you suddenly betray their expectation and trust and turn it into something like fleeting hope? Tell me boy, what is this woman to you?"
He didn't respond at first, he didn't know how to respond, "She's… my client" he responded awkwardly. That seemed to be the safest and simplest way to explain it. Not that he could really figure it out in his state of emotional turmoil.
The janitor merely raised one of his bushy gray eyebrows, "Looks to me like she's more than just that. Cut the bullshit and the formalities boy, what is she to you?"
He frowned, unsure of what to say, "She's a good person, and she's important. She's taught me a lot."
The old man smirked, rubbing his equally gray beard, "Then do you think she'd want to see you like this?"
Shinichi said nothing. Of course she wouldn't but even so…
"Listen boy, when the world seems like it's about to end, you won't find anything by keeping your eyes on the floor. You won't find hope there nor will you find any method to salvage the situation. You going to just sit there and watch everything burn when she goes down?"
There he was objectifying Shiho again, he clenched his fist in anger, "How can I not be like this? She's changed my life, she's opened my eyes to the world, yanked that veil that's shrouded my perception of the world, and now you're saying none of that matters should matter to me?"
"To you," the janitor said simply, "You're just one person, so is she. Do the laws of the universe really change with the departure of one person? There are billions of people out there all laughing, suffering and living. The world doesn't end and time doesn't stop. Life goes on. Even if she doesn't make it, don't let it cripple you. You're alive aren't you? A man should continue what he's set out to do, not act as if the world is entirely centered around him and die along with his loss."
Shinichi froze, as the words sunk in, as he finally realized the reason why it was pissing him so easily was because it was just like something she'd say, "I…"
"Remember the lessons she's taught you, the best way to honor what she's done for you is to fulfill your promises and duty. Don't fall back into the darkness of despair and ignorance even when the light of the truth begins to diminish. If you want to mourn for her, mourn. It's natural, but don't taint her memory with your own mistakes and folly."
Wit that he rose, and exited, not bothering to cast a glance towards the silent detective. He stopped at the door as he opened it, "They say talking to the person helps, and sometimes the right words trigger some sort of improvement. I can't say that's entirely true, but what I do know is, even if it fails, it lets them leave in peace, without any regrets. It's the most you can do for her, I know I never got the chance to say these things to my special one. Don't let her leave with regrets, or better yet, don't let her leave."
"Wait," Shinichi said as he rose, but the old man paid him no heed, raising a hand in farewell and shut the door. He was alone again, with the constant steady beeps the monitor emitted. He sighed as he sat down again, the man was right though, like Shiho. His arrogance had gotten the better of him despite the fact he had blatantly stated he had his learned his lesson from the attack on Shiho.
He sat back down, his handing finding his friend's, "Shiho," he said using her first name altogether, "I never got to really say it probably because you were always annoying me back then and I was proud to admit it, but, thank you. Thank you so much for what you've done and the sacrifices you've made for me and everyone else. I really wish I could have expressed the appreciation before this happened and I wish I changed before this even happened."
"You're my client. I was charged to protect you, and I've put you at risk numerous times, failing my duty," he could feel it now, the tears beginning to fall again as his voice wavered, but he welcomed it. It was proof of important she was, "If you don't make it, I promise I'll avenge you, I'll track down the bastard that did this to you and smash the Black Organization to pieces, but I'll do it the right way, I won't sink down to their level and let all that hatred drive my actions. It's what you would want right?"
"It's not what I want though. I want to take them down together with you. I want to see your smile, your real smile, when we bring them to justice. I want to learn more about Shiho Miyano when this is all over, not Ai Haibara or Sherry, just the real person you are. I want to continue our antics. I want to continue our verbal banter. I want to bash my head against the wall again when you continue to drop those sarcastic comments that keep my ego in check. I want to continue solving cases with you. I want to introduce you to my school, introduce you to a normal life where you're not under the guise of an eight-year-old. I want to figure you out, what you mean to me of all things. Something you'd probably find amusing. I still owe you that fancy purse for pulling off that stunt right? You better come back so I can get it for you and all the other stuff I owe for your assistance, "
His thumb idly moved along her hand as he spoke, seeking comfort in it. Her weak yet steady breathing was calming as it merged with the sounds from the machines. It was proof she was still alive he was as well, "I want to have one more chance Shiho. I want you to wake up. Please? Just let me do some good for you as well."
No response but the usual soft sounds, though it brought no anger this time around. A sensation mixed with sadness and calmness washed over him: acceptance. He stood, hand still holding hers as he opened to his mouth, "I'll be back tomor-"
He never finished his statement as the hand he was holding suddenly demonstrated a surprising amount of strength with its vice-like grip. He froze, unsure of what to do, his hopes exceeding his beliefs, and for a moment he almost questioned if this were real. The pain in their contact was real enough though and no matter how hard he tried (not that he wanted to) he couldn't break their connection.
"You're an idiot," he heard and his heart stopped. The familiar, soft, quiet, beautiful, melodious voice that was filled with its usual scathing sarcasm filled the room despite its lack of strength, "I thought I told you, I'm not some princess that needs to be protected from everything. I just need you to watch my back while I'm watching yours. I thought we were partners, or was that you attempting to sweet-talk another woman? You should know better Mr. Detective. "
AN: I hope you enjoyed this, reviews would be greatly appreciated, (my editor's occupied with various assignments. I'm dreading when she brings down the hammer). Until next time.