Jorinde: Aloha again! I missed y'all guys J I hope that you can forgive me, I've had a bout of writer's block and just started my university course (yay me!) So I thought I'd spring this little ditty on you. First however, May I introduce the two stars of this story *Pulls apart curtain to reveal* RIP VAN WINKLE AND I-GOR!
*Rip van and I-gor both bow and smile their trademark smiles*
Rip van: Thank you, thank you, it Is a pleasure to be here. Und thank you to Jorinde for writing us in THIS story. *Glares at Jorinde*
Jorinde: I told you I was sorry, what more do you want! I wrote that story for a laugh, I never expected you take it to heart!
I-gor: Well at least you didn't write me in it *whispers aside* Master won't let me near her in her own quarters, let alone for a 'Private experiment'.
Rip Van: I heard that you snivelling coward! *Wallops I-gor* How many times Have I told you!
I-Gor: *Cowering* Sorry master, I'm sorry!
Rip van: Und so you should be! Uch, now I'm all grumpy, go and buy me some cookies from the store!
I-gor: Certainly master *begins to limp off slowly*
Jorinde: I don't own the story of Hellsing… *observes and gets distracted constantly by I-gor* neither do I own Young Frankenstein…. All credit goes to…. Urm… Rip van?
Rip van: Ja?
Jorinde: Why is he walking like that?
Rip van: … I don't know. I-gor, what are you doing?
I-gor: Walking strangely, I thought you wanted me to?
Rip van: Urm, no.
I-gor: Suit yourself I am easy *Walks off normally and picks up umbrella*
Rip van: Oh you idiot, just get my cookies…UND LEAVE MY UMBRELLA HERE!
*Rip van turns the other way only to be hit unconscious by a flying yellow umbrella*
Jorinde: 0_0 uh oh…Urm, I-gor…Run.
*Here's door slam and steps over twitching body of Rip van*
Anyway…Enjoy you guys, I'll be busy here…now, how to wake her up…Aha!
*Get's close to her ear*
OBERSTURMFUHRER! WAKE UP! HE IST COMING!!
*Rip bolts and runs out with me in tow*
For the love of Hitler and the Goblin King!
Shunk, Shunk, Shunk.
"Vas ist that awful noise at this godforsaken hour in the morning?!" Rip Van raised her head from her reading chair and glared at I-Gor, who in turn looked innocently at her as he held up his hands to show he was merely sowing.
Shunk, Shunk, Shunk.
"Oh for the love of everything Hitler! If it isn't you then Vas IST it? Und more importantly, Vere is it coming from?!?" As Rip Van stomped her foot against the board they both noticed the sound had stopped and they waited and stared at each other, expecting it to start up again, but yet, nothing happened.
"Well that was weird …sounded almost like a large knife being sliced through raw meat…Or something grotesque like that", I-gor piped up to cover the hideous sound of silence.
"Ja, Ja, Anyway I-Gor, vas vere you saying before?" Rip Van quickly moving away from the subject that was scaring her.
"Oh, I was just asking Vat …I mean what book you were reading, Master?" I-gor piped up happily.
"Oh this?" She held the book aloft for him to see this very chunky read. "It's Hypnotism for beginners, I think you may like it."
"Oh no, you don't believe in all that tripe do you Master? I mean Hypnotising people isn't real." I-gor argued with her gently, so not to stir her from her comfortable and calm misdemeanour.
"Vas you don't believe in it? Well you will after I show you this, come here I-gor."
I-Gor Hesitated a little then spoke bravely.
"You're going to show me that disappearing pencil trick aren't you Master?
"Oh I-gor, das was just a joke, I didn't mean to embed some of the lead into your face. Now come over here."
As I-gor sat down on the stool in front of her seat, she sat up straight and placed the book on her lap. She raised her hand and began waving it infront of his face, almost rhythmically.
"Now I-gor, you are getting sleepy, very, very sleepy …I-gor not yet!" She quickly slammed the book on her lap to rouse him from his premature sleep.
"Huh what, what?"
"Now I-gor pay attention! Listen to only the sound of my voice …now, you are getting sleepy, very, very tired. You're eyes are growing heavy …I-Gor! Wake up!" And with one swift swipe, she bought her book in contact with his sleeping head, causing him to fly backwards, fall off the stool and have only his legs and feet in her view now. As he pulled himself back up, he rubbed his head sorely and noticed Rip Van with a now very broken book in her hands, studying it eagerly.
"Ow, what happened? Any why does my head hurt so much?" I-gor glanced back at the place he fell and back towards Rip Van, who looked at him grumpily.
"Now look what you've done you idiot! I'd only just started reading that book! Uch, now I've a migraine coming on! Go downstairs immediately and see if Zorin has dropped off those cookies she promised us yet!" And as he walked passed her, she gave him a boot in his backside for good measure, both knowing what adventure awaited them later that night.
Later that night…
Funny thought I-gor, I could have sworn I closed that door. As he wondered over to close the window he heard it. That noise from earlier.
Shunk, Shunk, Shunk.
The same, which had made his hairs, stand on end, or what hair was left on his body, that is. He was a surprisingly smooth man. Well …As close to a man as you could get. He immediately hurtled out of the room and ran to the only safe haven he knew of.
I-gor ran to Rip Van's room as fast as he could. He reached the hallway and turned sharply to see her door. As he slung open the door, he saw a sight he wasn't prepared for.
As I-gor was napping, Rip decided to get out her one thing she knew would help her sleep. She opened her wardrobe to reveal a mannequin that was the exact likeness of Jareth, the infamous Goblin King. Everyone on Millennium knew she had a massive crush on him, but no-one knew that she was Obsessed with the man who she usually had to force to waltz with her in her dreams, but she knew it was well worth the hours of coaxing him with Boris to get him to stay.
"Goodnight Boris, I don't think I will be needing you tonight," she spoke softly as she placed her beloved gun in the wardrobe and pulled out Jareth elegantly.
Rubbing herself against him, like a schoolgirl with a crush, she flung her arms around its neck and cried lovingly, "At last, alone darling. Finally! I have had a long day, what with that awful I-gor and those strange noises coming from the basement, and
No one to talk to …But now my love, we can 'turn in'", as her eyebrows lifted at a hint, she stood on tiptoes and planted a long kiss on the models still lips.
As she pulled back, she felt a strange feeling in her bare legs.
"Gosh darling, I feel so strange ...do you feel a breeze or is it just…", but before she could finish her sentence she released he door was open. Worse still she realised someone was standing in the doorway. She slowly turned her head to see I-gor standing there, looking shocked, confused and slightly amused at the scene before him, before it was all replaced by fear.
"GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" was all I-gor heard, as I-gor ducked from a large military boot thrown at him. He quickly recovered, closed the door and waited in the hallway. As Rip Van opened the door, she had changed back from her bedtime shirt and socks into her Black suit. She carefully placed her glasses on her nose and looked at I-gor before he began to speak.
"Say nothing. Come here." She motioned him with her finger and her voice held no emotion, but he obeyed. He took a few steps towards her.
"No, no …Closer."
He stepped forward again and gazed at her innocently, about to apologise, but she raised her hand to his face.
"No, you will listen. Now, I want you to understand this by simply nodding or shaking the head. With me so far?
I-Gor at first hesitated but then nodded his head Enthusiastically.
"Good. Now, What you just saw in their was strange wasn't it?"
He nodded.
"And you know what will happen if you tell anyone else of what you saw, right?"
He shook his head, a look of doom spreading over his features.
"Vell, I will tell you. First, I will get Boris to have a chat with you. Then, I will ask Doc to examine you. Then, you know what will happen?"
He shook his head again as Rip Van's voice started to rise and lose control a little and he feared what the next sentence would bring.
"I vill personally supervise and monitor a procedure with him on you. You know what it is?"
I-Gors eyes glazed with fear and he bit down on his knuckle, which gave Rip van the sign that he did indeed know what she was saying.
"Ja, that is right. An enema."
I-gor fell to her waist and clutched onto her leg, shaking her for mercy.
"No, No, Not another Enema!"
Rip Van gripped his 'hump' and pulled him to his face, lifting him nearly off the ground so they were eye level, and she bellowed at him.
"JA! UND ANOTHER UND ANOTHER, UNTIL YOU LEARN SOME MANNERS UND KNOW VEN TO KNOCK ON PEOPLES DOORS!", She breathed heavily and regained her composure.
"Now, if I vere you, I would NEVER do THAT again! Any Questions?"
I-Gor shook his head and smiled his weird smile.
"OK. Glad we understand each other", she positioned him down in front of her and wiped off some imaginary dust.
"Now, Vat Vas ist you wanted to see me about?" She smiled at him happily as a sign that she had not just been caught with her hand in a very large cookie jar.
I-gor went to speak then stood frozen for a while. As Rip Van stared at him and realised he had forgotten she massaged her forehead and took off her glasses to clean them.
"What were you doing before you came and interrupted my entertaining a guest …you nincompoop."
I-gor nodded apologetically and was just about to recount the events that had unfolded earlier when he realised what he had rushed to her for, at which point his face had dropped any humour and was staring in terror at the memory, which made Rip Van very nervous.
"I-Gor? I-Gor?! I-Gor, Vas is it? You know I don't like…" again she was cut off, but this time but that dreadful sound being started up again caught both their attention. Shunk, Shunk, Shunk.
The both had grabbed a large set of candles from the room and made their way down towards the sound.
'Shunk, Shunk, Shunk.'
Down towards the kitchen.
'Shunk, Shunk, Shunk.'
Down towards the basement.
'Shunk, Shunk, Shunk.'
"I-gor, must you do running commentary!?! I've told you twice already to knock it off!" Rip Van's eyes gazed at his briefly, showing a hint of annoyance and anger at I-Gors idea of 'taking their mind of the horrible and possible grizzly death that awaited them, but mostly him since she was technically already dead'. He simply smiled and rubbed his cheek against her shoulder as if to be stroked, but she simply batted him away.
"Not now I-Gor! Look, we are here!" And I-Gor looked over her shoulder, and followed her pointed finger, to which it marked out a door, silhouetted by the light coming out from it. It was slightly ajar and sure enough the sound of Shunk, Shunk, Shunk, had become much louder and clearer and was clearly originating from behind that door. As they took the last few steps, I-gor clutched her shoulder and whispered tentatively, "Wait Master, It could be dangerous…"After a moments hesitation he looked at the door then back at Rip Van
"You go first."
To which Rip Van shook him off and made a mental note to scold him later.
Her hand reached towards the doorknob and grasped it. As she pulled it towards her, the handle broke in her hands and she stared at it obnoxiously and just placed her hands on the door and eased herself against it. Their two heads looked through the growing crack in the doorway and at first everything seemed fine, but then they both noticed the shadow. The shadow of a man with his arm in the air, and a long knife in his hand and as his hand whirled down towards a table; they both saw what seemed to be a head being cut into.
They both screamed in unison and clung to each other as the door slung open and they gazed at the dark figure, standing infront of the fire, still hunched over the messy contents of the table, almost like entrails out of a body.
At first all they could do was scream and cling to one another, then it was just I-gor, then he stopped and realised what she was staring at. She flicked her hand to the light on the wall and it turned on. Everything became clear and she put her hands on her hips, arching her eyebrow upwards.
"Doc, what are you doing down here? And at this time of night also?"
Doc straightened up and smiled at her shyly, playing with the insanely long butchers knife in his hand.
"Ah, Vinkle, so glad to see you. I'm sorry if I woke you, I vas just down here making a sandwich." As he shuffled around the other side of the table, they could clearly see the contents of the table and the 'head' was nothing more than a badly baked loaf of bread, another one of Zorin's fine dishes.
"Well, that explains the Shunking noise, but vas are you doing here so late? Not another one of you're experiments I hope?" As she cocked her eyebrow and crossed her arms, I-Gor followed suit and took his place next to her, no longer trembling in fear behind her. Doc looked at them, slightly hurt but nervously stating his innocence.
"Nein, Nein, Zurin just forgot to drop off the bread she baked for you, along with the cookies, so I came by to drop it off from underground. Only problem Vas, I left the house without having a snack so I got hungry. I beg you're pardon, but I got hungry And ate some. Then I fell asleep …When I avoke a few minutes ago my hunger called to me and vell …you know …Zurin does make fantastic bread!" And as he smiled everyone joined in and soon they were all having sandwiches with cookies and chocolate spread, even Schrodinger made it back from his latest mission to join in.
As they settled down in their own rooms, they settled into their rituals. I-Gor would ply his horn on the balcony to lull him and everyone in earshot to sleep. Doc fell asleep clutching his teddy and sucking his thumb, whilst Schrodinger curled up at his feet. And of course Rip Van curled into her warm bed, where she had carefully placed her prized Goblin King.
And they all lived …until the next adventure!
End
Jorinde: Hey everyone! I hope you liked this and YES there will be more mental ramblings in my head. First I would like to dedicate this story to the lovely Chelseafuss (since most of the quotes are from her or her inspiration Hehe) and second to the lovely Rip van...Rip Van?
*Notices Rip Van with her back turned holding manuscript to the story*
Jorinde; Urm, Rip Van? How is it? What do you think?
*Rip van slowly turns and raises head 'Ring' style*
Rip: What do I think…what do I…THINK!
*She explodes and charges at me with Boris*
Jorinde: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! DON'T SPEAR ME!
Rip: YOU WROTE THIS PIECE? IT IST EVEN WORSE THAN THAT PORN YOU WROTE! EVEN I KINDA LIKED THAT, BUT THIS…THIS IS TRASH! NO UNICORNS, NO MAGIC AND HITLER IS NOT A FAIRY GODMOTHER!!!! THERE IS ONLY ONE THING TO DO IN THIS CASE!
*Rip pushes off me and aims Boris*
Jorinde: I can re-write! I can RE-WRITE!
Rip: My warhead will punish YOU without distinction!
*Get's ready to fire*
Jorinde: EEPPP! Somebody help me! Anybody, I'll do anything! Even if it's the Goblin King or Doc!
*There's a poof of Glitter and a sound of a shriek and Rip Van is lying on the floor, giggling hysterically, the Goblin King is one side with a crystal ball and Doc is the other with a needle*
Jorinde: …Ok, what just happened?
GK: Well, I believe you offered us a deal and we made one, although I 'm not sure what happened myself … Doc?
Doc: Vell, it would appear I gave her the needle to sedate her and paralyse her body…
GK: …And I gave her the spell of a pleasant dream to keep her down. Well that solves that problem, now just this one left…Jorinde?
*Both turn from their discussion towards me, both with evil smiles*
Jorinde: …When I said anything, I didn't mean anything!
GK: What's said is said.
Doc: Ja, Ja, you cannot take back, you have to fulfil it.
Jorinde: But…but…I didn't think you guys would actually come! It's a fanfic for crying out loud! AND ANYWAY, YOU'RE MARRIED TO SARAH AND YOU'RE …Doc.
*Both laugh hysterically*
GK: Well, Yes I am but you have to imagine that we have a very 'open' relationship.
Doc: Ja, so do Ze major and me, why do you think I created Schrodinger?
*Both arch eyebrow equally evilly*
Jorinde: …You're both sick and twisted! And anyway, you can't both have me!
*They turn to each other, smile and then turn back*
GK & Doc: Oh, we can.
*Looks at them in shock and then back at Rip van*
Jorinde: But …What about her? She was the one trying to kill me?! And plus we can't just leave her here!
*Both consider for a second and then Doc's 'light bulb' appears*
Doc: She can come with us, but someone will have to carry my surgical equipment … I know! I-GOR!
*I-gor rushes on, takes a look at the situation and goes over to Doc*
I-Gor: …Master?
Doc: For now yes. Would you give us a hand with the bags?
I-gor: Certainly, you take the giggling nazi and I'll take the dirty writer.
*Walks over, slinks arm around Jorinde and tries to nibble her neck 'playfully' and she has to bash him off*
GK: Stop that! He meant with the luggage!
*I-Gor winks at Jorinde and grabs the equipment from Doc*
I-Gor: Of course …Master.
*Limps off*
Doc: …Idiot.
*Puts the twitching Rip van over shoulder and smacks her behind*
Doc: So you have her for six and a half hours and then we switch, Ja?
*GK comes up behind me and winks*
GK: Ja …I mean yes.
Jorinde: What are you two talk…. HEY!
*Get's put over GK's shoulder and has behind slapped also*
Jorinde: What are you doing!? Put me down! And watch were you put those hands!
Gk: Nope. Just relax and enjoy, you're thirteen hours will be up soon enough.
Jorinde: Thirteen hours! Nein! …IT'S NOT FAIR!
*Is carried off as both men start whistling 'Englandlied'*
(AN: Who knew, Jareth liked Nazi music 0_0)