A/N. This came from my desire to do a story with a sane Joker, and on a sidenote to me a sane Joker equals no Batman. Also, writing this lets me avoid the stuff I actually have to do.
One Man's Nightmare
Technically the first sound of Jack Kerr's morning was the rumble of a coffee maker turning on and dripping out some of Folger's finest. To him, though it was a blaring alarm, followed by the numerous bodily cracks and groans that have grown at an alarming rate, then climbing down the stairs, opening a cabinet, and all cumulating in to setting down a smiley face coffee mug to pour his coffee in. He would then turn on the television for some noise and wait for his son to join him. It was a slightly boring and mundane existence, but Jack didn't really mind.
The front page of the newspaper held three stories: one about the effectiveness of the Dent/Gordon partnership to take down organized crime in Gotham; one about the latest crisis thwarted by the Justice League; and Bruce Wayne's engagement. Jack frowned. He could never understand how the so-called Prince of Gotham managed the same status of the other events. Sure he was a brilliant, handsome billionaire (who would become richer once his parents passed on and left him with that Wayne fortune to add to his own impressive amount) known for sleeping with every attractive woman in Gotham, but how did his engagement rank as front-page news? Jack practically glared at the picture of Mr. Wayne and his smiling bride-to-be. Of course she's smiling, she bagged herself quite a catch. She was certainly a stunning creature though. Jack checked the name. Selina Kyle. Never heard of her. Golddigger for sure.
"Heya Daddy."
Jack put down his paper, smiling at his son. "Did you sleep well, kiddo?"
The eight-year smiled, proudly showing off his missing front tooth. He reached behind him and pulled out a five-dollar bill. "The tooth fairy came!"
Jack made a show of admiring the money. "Wow. Soon you'll be richer than your old man." The boy giggled madly at his father's praise. "Please, son, promise you'll remember your poor old dad when you become richer than the Waynes."
"You're funny Daddy."
Jack smiled and pushed his son into a chair. He continued with his morning routine fixing his son breakfast, cereal from a box with a brightly colored clown on the front. "Here eat your sugar in a bowl while it's still beneficial for you to be losing your teeth."
His son giggled again. Jack returned to his seat, coffee, and newspaper. "Dad, how do light bulbs work?"
Without even glancing up from his newspaper, Jack explained how the energy and glowing comes from atoms wanting to be in balance and jumping electrons. If he had bothered to look up he would have seen that his son was still confused. "But teacher says it's because vibrations."
Jack folded up his finished paper and finished off the rest of his coffee. "Well, you can tell your teacher that your father, who holds a doctorate in advanced chemical engineering, thinks she's an idiot."
Jack got up and took down a thermos filling it with the rest of the coffee pot. A voice from the TV caught his attention though and caused him to spill some on his hand. His son put his dishes in the sink and giggled again. "You sure like that TV doctor, dad."
Jack cursed to himself as his toweled up his mess. It was a stupid, silly celebrity crush. But in Jack's opinion Dr. Harleen Quinzel was the cutest woman ever to walk the earth and the only thing worth watching on TV, despite being a pop psychologist. Due to his demanding work and duties as a single father, Jack's personal life consisted mostly of a rich fantasy life with the perky doctor. "Yes, I do like her."
His son looked at his father seriously as he put on his backpack. "If you like a girl, you should ask her out on a date."
His mess cleaned up, Jack put on his lid and grabbed his keys. "It usually helps if you know the woman first, son." Besides, Jack thought to himself, she's way out of my league. I'm nothing special. Girls like that don't even look at guys like me, let alone dedicate themselves to devoting our every need.
Jack's lunch break was as uneventful as his breakfast. He sat at his usual table, eating his usual sandwich, and talking with his usual co-workers. They were talking about sports Jack didn't watch. Finally, when they moved on to the company basketball tournament one man asked him, "Jack, why don't you join the team? You're quick when you need to be and taller than most."
Jack looked at the man who'd spoken like he'd just asked him to dress up in a purple suit, dye his hair green and wear bright red lipstick. "Alan, I was a science geek in high school, not an athlete."
Alan laughed. "I think we all were, Jack, but that doesn't mean we can't raise to the challenge. Running is great exercise."
Jack grinned widely. "If you ever see me running, I suggest you start running in the same direction."
Everyone had a good laugh and the conversation shifted to possible threats to run from eventually leading to "Lex Luthor."
"Really Darryl? A bald billionaire is going to send you running for the hills?" Jack grew amused at Darryl's fearful look.
"Are you kidding, Jack? The man almost took down the Justice League!"
Jack was unimpressed. "Like that's all that hard. They're missing a brain. Hell, I could take out the Justice League. All it would take is fearlessness and a touch of insanity."
The clock showed it was time to return to work and the conversation ended with Darryl saying to the argument of his companions. "You know, Jack, sometimes you scare the shit out of me."
Jack lingered behind. He was still thinking about what he said. It was true. The only thing that truly separated him was some insane obsession and nothing to lose.
All it seemed it would take is one really bad day.
But Jack had only had bad days; most were just boring.
The Joker wakes up and finds himself clutching the bed sheets. He hears Harley's voice and feels her loosening his death grip. He can still feel himself shaking from the absolute horror of it all. Perhaps Jonathan's serum had somehow worked on him? It never did before and he hardly even bothered anymore, but maybe he should pay the good doctor to give him a taste of the Joker's more effective gas.
Harley's high voice is distracting him from his thoughts. She is asking her poor puddin' about his nightmare. For a response he smacks her across the bed to the other side of the room. He rises from bed at a much earlier hour than he was used to. It was hard to tell the time of day in the abandoned funhouse, but he was almost certain it was before noon.
The dream had disturbed the Joker. A father, with an actual yard, and a respectable job as a chemist. No bat, so normal. What a horrible existence. Truly awful.
Awful. He couldn't stand the thought. Just Awful.
Wait. What was awful?
The Bat. That was a given. There was something else.
He should kill the Bat. But that was too simple. He'd make the rest of the world smile around him first. Yes the ultimate revenge to Batman's utter seriousness would be a world of laughter. But where to start?
With bats. He could use his patented gas. No that would give too much credit to Bats. Rats? No the had those pointy teeth…not funny. Cats? No kitty would be upset and then he'd have double to deal with. Trout were funny. Trout were perfect. No, wait, Jokerfish. He'd done fish.
People. People who don't smile. Teenagers.
Who could need a smile more than teenagers?
Even better those punk rockers who thought they were bad with their spiked jewelry. The Joker would show them bad. Those little punks who thought they're were angst because their lyrics talk about how much they hate their parents. Hehe. He'd show them. Now where to find them?
Suddenly it dawns on him and he thrusts up his finger.
"Harley! Get me a Teen Beat!"
Where was that silly girl when he needs to her? She appears coming out of the bedroom in the negligee she had used on him the night before still rubbing her cheek. Not acceptable, where is her smile? "Perk up, Harls. Daddy has some errands for you while he completes his greatest plan yet."
She instantly brightens. "Whatcha need Mr. J?"
He tells her what to fetch him, and she obeys him without question. With her gone, the Joker started in on his devious plan to gas every teen sensation on the planet.
It was going to be a really good day for the Joker, and a really bad one for the rest of the world.