"Of course he works out! Have you seen him right after gym? No fucking way he could get that muscle from sitting around. He's sooo hot, I can't even talk about it anymore. It makes me sad because I'll never get him." Some girls giggled behind me about the new kid. Not that I mind, but they've only known him for three days, they could at least wait and see if he's a nice guy before they "fall in love" With him.
"Allen!" Rabi called from across the cafeteria, drawing attention to him self. The girls giggled again when I waved him over here. They said something about "Rabi's sooo sexy" and "I still wanna know what happened to his eye!"
"Hey Rabi, what's up?" I asked him when he finally made his way over to me table.
"I just wanted to ask you if you wanted to come over today after school and meet Yuu," The girls squealed again. That must mean that that's his name. The new guy.
"The new student?" I asked, just to make sure we were on the same page. Rabi nodded, "You made friends with him already? That's great, I'd love to meet him!"
Rabi looked at me weird, "What? I love meeting new people," I stated.
"Yea, but Yuu's a bit… stubborn. He's not very open about anything. He ahh… won't even tell where he's from. Or his first name, I had to find out on roll call in math. I know he's Japanese though he has perfect English. He… Only eats soba noodles though," He chuckled, "Anyway, I thought you might be able to get something out of him, you're way nicer," He chuckled again.
"Oh well I'm sure he's just shy. I mean, he's new, and we never get new students here. All the girls are going crazy over him," the giggling behind us stopped, and I could help but let out a smile, "And for you, also," We both laughed, and the ladies shifted around in an uncomfortable manner. Lavi cracked a smile, and looked over my shoulder, "yeah, I've been listening to them giggle for about twenty minutes now," Rabi chucked again.
"I don't understand women," he laughed, "They laugh and smile at you then deny you a date or kiss on the cheek. Seriously. Women make me crazy sometime," Rabi sighed and ran a hand though his red locks. He sat down next to me on the table bench.
There's barley anyone in the cafeteria; most of the tables are empty. There was an optional assembly going on so only people that couldn't be bothered with school activities didn't go. I'm doing homework, Rabi didn't feel like going, and the girls here probably just wanted to gossip in peace. Well I ruined that for them, because they fell silent and are probably glaring at me. That's okay, I'll apologize later.
"Stop complaining," I teased, "At least girls will talk to you about more than relationship issues with their boyfriends," I sighed. That's not really all that girls talk to me about, but it was the only time Rabi was ever around when one actually did. He cracked a smile, remembering the time that happened.
"Yeah! Poor you, every one must think you're gay!" He exclaimed, busting out in laughter. I laughed too, but not much. I didn't find it that funny.
Wait. I normally love Rabi's jokes….
"Woah, didn't mean to offend you or anything…" He said.
"What? Why would you say that?" I asked, confused. I laughed, I pretended like I didn't care.
"You gave me a look. You aren't actually gay, are you? Because if you are I'm totally cool with that and everything, I should just know, you-"
"Rabi! Calm down! I'm not gay," I told him. I'm probably bi, at the most. So not completely a lie, right? Wait… What the hell am I thinking!
"You sure? You seem pissed," He said, looking at me weirdly.
"I just… it's… I think… Excuse me," I shudder. What the hell is wrong with me?
I picked up my books and left the table; I ran up the north hall and stopped at my locker. Throwing everything inside, I made a sprint for the bathroom. I need to clear my head. Splash some cold water on my face and look my self in the eyes. I came to a stop outside the men's bathroom, then gently pushed on the door.
But there was no door there. Someone had opened it, and before I had the chance to catch myself I fell face first into his chest. He caught me, thankfully. I scrambled to correct myself and tell him I'm sorry.
"Oh crap! I'm…" I trailed off when I saw who I fell into. I'd never seen him before, so it's probably the new student. Yuu. He wore his dark blue hair back in a ponytail and his bangs and pieces of his hair outside of it. He had these stunning brown eyes, which seemed to close out everything. Perfect lips. Leather jacket, and Faded grey jeans. He seems slightly surprised, but not much. I recovered myself, "I'm sorry." I stepped back to let him out of the bathroom.
Yuu looked at me like I was the weirdest sight. "You have white hair," he said.
"And you have blue," I countered. I probably came off rude, I didn't mean too. He nodded. "I'm Allen, nice to meet you."
"Kanda." He stated, then started to walk away. I stared after him.
He's sure got a nice butt.
WAIT.
I blinked hard. Did that just go though my head? Oh god, I need water. I quickly made my way to the sink. I think I might throw up. Did I seriously think that? Or is my mind play tricks on me because finals are coming up? Wait… I didn't laugh at Rabi's joke either…
This is bad…
Wait….
Why is it bad? So? I like guys. I've always been rather feminine.
I looked me in the eyes, though the mirror. The scar over my left eye seemed darker today. I took my glove off. My arm's a little darker red too. The lighting? Maybe.
More cold water on my skin.
I sit in the bathroom until school lets out. I make my way out to my locker. The stuff I shove in my pack seems useless, though I know I need them all to study with tonight. Once I clear my head. The people swarm by me like bees. Useless irritating things that make noise, and sometimes prick you on the arm, then fly away. Not bees. Wasps.
Rabi. Rabi asked me to come over. Maybe he'll forget.
Who am I kidding, Rabi doesn't forget anything. He's wicked smart. Just as the thought felt my mind, I herd him call after me.
"ALLEN!" I turned around seeing him fly at me, gently weaving his way though the wasps. I smile and greet him when he makes it to me.
"Hi Rabi," I say, "Still want me to come over?"
He looked at me like I was insane. Which I might be.
"Seriously? Hi? So what, did you run off then cry your eyes out for an hour and a half? That's what it looks like," He pointed to my shirt, which is soaked from all of the cold water, "I really want to talk to you. Get this whole thing clear. But not here, too many people. Okay? Later, after Yuu's left," it didn't sound like a choice, so I nodded, "Right," He gave me a smile.
"Are we going to find Kanda, or does he know where he's going?" I asked Rabi, who was still smiling at me.
"He knows where to go," He said it like it was nothing. But it kind of made me jealous to know Rabi's spent more time with Kanda than I have, "Come on, lets get moving."
Why, Allen. Why are you jealous?
I don't know. Why would I know? I just realized less than two hours ago that I like guys. I can't be expected to know everything about how I feel.
Before I noticed it, Rabi had lead me outside and behind the school.
"Woah, Rabi, why are we out here?" I asked him, looking around. It was deserted back here, not a soul in sight, except Rabi and my self.
Rabi turned to me, "Allen, I wanna talk about that," he said. I could have swore he said after Kanda left His house, we would talk. I gave him a weird look.
"I thought you said after Kanda left your place," I say, not paying much attention to the situation at hand.
"Yes, but I know you'll only avoid the topic and try to leave. Here, you can't, because you promised me something. I know you enough to know you won't let me down on a promise. But I have a chance, right now," He said. I looked back at him the moment he started moving. We were standing right beside the school. Were. In one swift movement he had me up against the wall, a hand cupping my face and his body pressed to mine. I was shocked. I couldn't say anything. He kissed me softly.
I regained my senses and shoved him away, "Rabi! What the HELL was that?" He staggered backward. Rabi obviously wasn't expecting me to react like I did. He steadied himself, "I kissed you," He stated plain and simple.
"Well no duh! But iwhy/i did you kiss me?" I asked. I had no idea why he would, or if he even thought about it.
"Because I like you," he said still calm and light toned. I stared at him.
"But… you're straight…" I mumbled, confused. I really didn't know what to say.
"No, I'm not. I'm bi. Have been for a while too. Just didn't know how people would react, so I didn't tell anyone," He whispered. He moved towards me again. I put up my hands to stop him, fingers spread.
"Rabi, don't. I don't know what's going though my head. What I'm feeling. I need to think for a while. Leave me be for a while. Give me—" I trailed off. He was right in front of me again. He slowly raised both of his hands and interlaced out fingers, "Rabi… please."
"Just once more. Please. I don't know if you'll ever turn this way again…" Rabi whispered to me, his bright green eye pleading with y silver ones. I closed my eyes and let out a breath. Shakily, I nodded ever so slightly.
I feel him move my hands around, placing them around his neck. I kept my eyes closed, though I knew he was less then an inch from me. Tenderly and never so lightly, he kissed me again. He has full control, I wasn't going to move an inch. He pressed a little harder, and brought his arms around my waist, pulling me closer. I was aware of everything he was doing, right before he did it. I don't want to make out with him. I just want to go home and bury myself in blankets and fall asleep. Screw studying. He deepened it. I barley move my lips at all, but I know he's not letting this be over soon. All I ever do is hurt people. Rabi, those girls… Mana. I start to cry.
Rabi should be the one crying. I hurt him, he didn't hurt me.
He backed off, "What's wrong?" He whispered. I opened my eyes. He hugged me.
"Rabi! Let go of me!" I yell at him, breaking his hold on my arm at the same time. Without another glance, I picked up my backpack and ran full speed for the front of the school. Once there, I found Lenalee and asked her for a ride home.
"Sure, Allen. Anytime. Why are you out of breath? What happened?" she questioned.
"Could I tell you in your car? I just wanna get out of here right now," I said, out of breath.
"Okay, lets go!" She started walking to the parking lot, and I followed close behind. I saw Rabi looking for me. We passed him. He stared at me though the windshield. He looked hurt.
Lenalee pulled out of the parking lot and headed towards the main road.
"So… tell me what happened?" She asked, glancing at me. I sighed and sank into the seat of the car, "Or not, if you don't want to…" she trailed off.
"No, its fine," I take a deep breath, "I think I'm gay."
She slammed on the brakes, throwing us both forward. Luckily, there's no one behind us, which is odd for right after school. Lenalee turned her whole body to look at me. Her eyes were big, and her mouth gaping.
I shied away from her glare.
From behind us, someone honked.
"Lenalee? Could you perhaps move to the side of the road?" I asked, staring straight ahead. Silently, she turned on the emergency lights, without even looking to see if she was hitting the right button.
"Lenalee?" I asked, stealing a look at her though the corner of my eye every now and then.
"Explain," She said. I flinched at her words, her tone wasn't the most inviting, but did I have a choice to answer them or not?
"Well…" I pulled my knees up to my chest, and buried my face in them before I continued, "I was talking to Rabi today in the cafeteria and he said a joke about me being gay and I didn't laugh and now I know why I didn't laugh but then after school Rabi asked me to follow him then we ended up outside and behind the school and he kissed me," I took a deep breath. I didn't pause once in that sentence.
Lenalee peeled her eyes away from me and finally pulled over to the side of the pavement, "Okay," She whispered, "You're sure about this?" I sunk into the seat a little more.
"Yeah."
"Well, It's your choice. So I'm happy that you found your self. I'm happy for you," She said with a smile. She looked behind me and her face drained of a smile, "I'm sorry." She told me.
"What? Why—" I turned to the sound of a knock on the window. Rabi's staring down on me with hurt written all over.
I took a shaky breath and thanked Lenalee for the ride, though I wouldn't be needing it. I opened the car door and she drove off.
I kept my eyes trained on the ground as he spoke to me.
"I'm sorry Allen. I shouldn't have asked that of you. You need time to figure things out for your self. I shouldn't have done anything that I did. I'm sorry," His volume slowly depleted as he kept talking, so that he whispered 'sorry'. "I just wanted to love you."
I keep my eyes fixed on a piece of gravel, "I'm sorry too. For running away. But Rabi, I need a little time. I just can't…" I trailed off, a tear or two coming to my eyes.
"Just let me hug you. You need it," He whispered. I paused. A hug couldn't hurt anything worse than it already is. I nodded slightly.
Rabi silently inched closer to me. I felt his strong arms wrap themselves around my frame. I rested my head on his shoulder and let a few tears fall. The more I let him do this, the more I'd hurt him, and the more I'd hurt myself.
"Rabi?" I asked softly for his attention.
"Yes?" he whispered all too hopefully.
"You can let go now." I say.
He tightens his grip on me for a second, and then lets me go, "Sorry."
We stand in silence.
Rabi's phone vibrated. Kanda's at his house waiting for us, and Rabi tells him we'll be there in a few minutes. He closes his phone and looks up at me.
"Please just come and hang out for a bit with me and him," He asks. I nod. Things couldn't get more fucked up, could they?
Rabi started waking and I followed but kept my distance.
Then I remembered. I remembered running into Kanda. His beautiful eyes. His solid figure. Shit. I've never really crushed on anyone before, but I think I might be. I can't let Rabi found out. He'll be hurt beyond anything I could've done just then.
We're almost to his house quicker then I realize it. Shit! I try to compose myself. Failing, but trying anyway.
"Hey Kanda!" Rabi yells to him. Kanda turns from his spot on the sidewalk to face us, but not much more than that. Not even a smile. He watched us walk up the sidewalk, and I was flipping out. On the inside, of course. I probably look like I've been crying for an few hours.
"Rabi, I don't know how the fuck you got me to come here again, after what happened last time I—" Kanda stuttered when he realized I was walking behind Rabi, then he continued on a different topic, "why am I here?"
'Rabi noticed Kanda's mistake. How could he not? It was pretty obvious,' I thought. He glanced at me then glared at Kanda. Kanda gave Rabi a look as well. I had no idea what the fuck they were doing.
"I wanted you to meet Allen. He's really nice and I think you two could be friends," Rabi told him. I wanted to laugh so hard; his tone idid not/i match the words they were paired with. It sounded like a death threat. I couldn't help but crack a smile.
"What's your problem, bean sprout?" asked Kanda, tsking when I looked confused when addressed by that.
"I don't have a problem. It was just funny to me. And, I would prefer it if you would not call me that, thanks," I say with a shaky voice. He looked at me weird.
"Fine. I'll call you Moyashi," Kanda said flatly.
"What's that mean?" I asked, flailing my arms about.
Rabi was now glaring at me. For ruining his "threat", I suppose.
I died of embarrassment, I just sat there for a moment, holding my gloved hand to my chest by the wrist. A few more seconds of them staring at me.
"Can we just go inside now?" I asked of them.
"Sure, I've got a movie or two if ya wanna watch one," Rabi, seemingly calmed down, disappeared though his house door quickly. Kanda followed.
Today was going to be hell. Even if we only watched a movie and when home, it was hell already though.