My first fanfic! Please review.

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Chapter 1: The mid-point on the Journey of Life

Hell. It doesn't get simpler then that. If I could some up my existence into one word, that had to be it. How else do you explain the fact that I abandoned my family and the love of my life? I can't, because that's exactly what I did. I shattered the lives of the people I care the most about, and my own. In short you could say that I'm the biggest idiot on the planet. Go ahead; I wouldn't hold anything against you. In fact compared to how I feel, that could be taken as a complement.

What did I do to myself? I might as well have ripped my heart out of my chest and fed it to some Erasers.

My name is Fang, and welcome to my hell.

My life didn't matter anymore. The only thing that kept me going day in and day out was the promise I made to Max in the letter I wrote her. I had to be there in twenty years. That is if I didn't go insane first. Every waking moment of my life was torture for my soul. Does a bird kid even have a soul? If I did, I probably sold it to the devil some where along the way.

I may not have a soul, but I certainly have a heart. Nothing else could explain the pain in my chest. I missed my love, and I will never live down leaving her. I can only imagine the pain that she must be experiencing. After all I left her!

Those words echoed in my ears as I woke up. Even my subconscious was killing me. I never had a peaceful wink of sleep since I left. I don't even think I was asleep; my mind was constantly racked with images of the past, and my mind beating itself up. I was in a tree in someone's backyard. Considering that I was on the lamb, any place to sleep was welcome. In the letter I said that I had a plan, truth is that I had absolutely nowhere to go, and no one to help me out. I had to leave the Flock; it was for their own good. Little did I realize how much I would suffer for my actions. They needed Max, but so did I. I needed her to love me, they needed her to be the leader. I was a hindrance. I was a distraction to the most beautiful girl in the world. Maximum Ride. The very thought of her brought back all kinds of memories, good and bad. I could see her flying swift and powerful, I could see her beating up Erasers. She was so lethal, and yet the most wonderful thing I had the pleasure to be with.

I remember the feeling of body in my arms, and her arms around me. Her lips on mine, every nerve in my body lighting up like a Christmas tree. The way she would look into my eyes, and reassure me. She didn't even have to say that she loved me, I knew it. I missed her so much. With her gone my life had no direction, no excitement. I missed seeing her every morning, hearing her breath when she was asleep. She always looked so peaceful. Her hair falling over the curves of her delicate face. Her chest slowly rising and falling with each breath. I love her with every fiber of my being. Not being with her was slowly chipping away at my well-being.

A tear rolled down my cheek. Had I really driven myself to the point crying? Yes, man I'm so pathetic. I missed her, I left her, I hurt her, and it's all my fault! I hurt Max! My heart felt like it was about to rip itself in two. I've never felt so guilty in my life. I hurt the girl I love. I'll never be able to forgive myself. Guilt consumed me, all I could hear was Max screaming 'How could you!'. More tears fell from my eyes, and my hands started shaking. I closed my eyes not able to bear the sight of my own shame and self loathing. Closing my eyes didn't help, all it did was bring the image of Max weeping to the forefront of my mind. I tried to reach out, failing to comfort her, after all it was all in my head. None the less the message was clear. I had caused her to suffer like she never had before. My heart screamed in horror. I despised myself, I wanted to drop dead and be done with it. But I couldn't. Her sobs and tears haunted me.

It started to rain, hard. Soon I was so drenched that I couldn't tell the difference between my tears and the rain. I couldn't help it, I broke. Tears freely fell from my face. I could tell because I started to taste salt, and it wasn't blood. What have I done to myself?

I ruined my life that's what I did. I can't go back, not after what I did to Max and the Flock. I was alone, and no one would come to me. Worse then that, I couldn't go to any one. I've created my own hell, and there is no way out. I left the love of my life, for her safety. If I went back now I would be putting her and the whole flock at risk. Even if it hurt me it was for the better. What I failed to realize was that I would hurt Max. That was something that I couldn't live with. I hurt her and it hurt me being away from her. But knowing that I had hurt her was unbearable.

That night, some part of me died. I'm not sure what. But something couldn't take the pain.

I was dieing inside. Guilt was killing me. Shame was torturing my life. Every moment of consciousness I was on the breaking point. My heart cried out Max's name, praying that she would find me and end my suffering. I longed for her embrace to comfort me, for her to look me in the eyes to reassure me that all was well. But all was not well. I was in a tree, in a backyard, in the pouring rain. To top it off, I was alone. Yeah I was in hell. I never thought it was physically possible to hurt this much. I mean I was used to fighting, having my nose broken was a regular thing for me. But this, this was like nothing I had ever experienced before. It felt like there was no point in existing anymore. there was a gaping hole in my chest where my heart used to be. What have I done to myself? I hurt Max, I hurt myself. I'll never live this down, and the guilt won't stop gnawing away at me. Why can't I just die? Because I love Max. I had to live, for the both of us. It just hurt so bad. How can I live with myself for twenty years? I hurt her, would she ever forgive me? If we met at the cliffs in twenty years would she except me? Or would she even be there? The thought of her not being there was unbearable. My heart screamed, and it filled me. Doubt shadowed me, guilt haunted me. What was I thinking! All I could see was Max crying. All I could hear was my mind shouting 'Why?'. All I could feel was pain, and tears cascading down my face. I was cold and wet from the rain, my body was shaking, I was well on my way to catching hypothermia. That and my heart was aching. I was in the gaul of bitterness, I was truly alone. I was responsible for all the suffering I was experiencing and the suffering that Max was going through. I'm a monster. I don't deserve to be with Max. Not after what I did to her, and the Flock.

I couldn't stand the thought of the whole Flock crying. Max... what have I done.

After that I screamed.

Yes there is more in the works. So TBC. Please review, and continue to read.

Kudos to whoever gets the reference made in the chapter heading.