Unspoken Lullaby

Chapter One: Out Of My Skin

"C'mon pick up!" Alexz said frustrated as she paced her kitchen. Why was his number was the only one she could think of when she had a issue to deal with. Her hands were shaking, she felt dizzy, definitely out of sorts. "He's probably asleep you moron!" Alexz said hitting the end button on her cordless phone. Why would she expect him to save her? It's not like he was her night and shining armour right? She let herself fall into the chair in the living room, putting her head into her hands. She felt pathetic, she couldn't deal with this herself, maybe she just wasn't strong enough. It was late why would she even expect anyone to be awake.

She shook her head, standing and beginning to pace her sitting room. It was 2 AM and it seemed that this was becoming a regular thing to do. Pace the sitting room while everyone else she loved slept. She was so tired sometimes, all she wanted to do was sleep, but with everything going on, she couldn't get herself to slow down enough to sleep, and even when she did, she feared the phone might finally ring and she wouldn't be awake to take the call. She didn't want anyone taking her calls for her.

She moved quietly through her room finding a sweater to hide herself in, and back into the living room, where she curled up in the corner of the chesterfield, pulling her legs up to her chest, and wrapping her arms around them tightly. She set the phone next to her, but ready to grab at any second, and she let herself cry, more than cry, she rocked and sobbed for what seemed like ages. It was over for now why did she always have to fall apart.

It was like tears came with timer. They always knew to start after, and never before, which is what irked her most. Why couldn't they have come with she needed them to?

She wanted to kick herself for asking herself that question too. She never cried when she needed to because she was told that crying was wrong. It was weak, stupid, it wasn't worth the time. She'd come to know not to cry like she knew so many other things. Like how she knew to call him after something had happened. She feared the day that he would realize just exactly what was going on. She didn't want to be the one breaking up fist fights and screaming matches. That was it. She wasn't going to say anything anymore.

She jumped almost out of her skin when her phone actually rang, she grabbed it up quickly looking at it like it had a life of its own, and the tears started all over again, how could she explain why she was even such a mess, maybe he'd think she was losing it an walk away just like everyone else had.

Her hand shook as she made herself press talk, holding the phone up to her ear. She prayed no one else had heard it as she gave a shaky hello. She closed her eyes and let out a soft breath, feeling so comforted by his voice alone. Something about it, no matter what the time, no matter what had happened during that day, he could always make her feel better just by making sure she was okay.

"Spence is everything okay?" She heard him ask but sobs enveloped her once again. She couldn't even form words, she wasn't sure why, but suddenly it made her feel so weak, she wished, she could just reach out, do something, show something to tell someone, anyone, that someone might see between the lines of what she couldn't say to them, and now her thin line of hope seemed like it tethered more by the day.

"I'm...sorry," she managed to cry softly between body-wracking sobs. She hated looking this weak in front of people, especially him. It didn't matter how many times she'd turned to him, she always felt like she was asking too much of someone she lov- Someone she cared for. She always felt lesser to everyone else because she was such a chicken.

"There's no need to be sorry, girl. I was just closing up the Garde downstairs. I'm sorry I missed your call," his voice came softly through the phone, as if there were someone else there with him. Oh great, another thing to make her feel worse. She was interrupting his time with someone else.

She forced herself to breathe for a second. "I'm s-sorry I shouldn't have bothered you so late, I'll just umm, let you go, sorry," She spoke with an unsteady voice. "I didn't mean to intrude...I just wanted to hear someone's voice other than my own. I'm so stupid, don't listen to me." She stammered. Her fingers felt numb, now, and her arms tingled and ached. She wondered sometimes if she would just stop breathing. She longed to just call her mom, but she didn't need her around anymore, she had a perfect life now right? She no longer wanted her around, she ached sometimes to just go there, and fall into her mothers arms and tell her everything but it wouldn't matter would it. She wished she could pour these words from her mouth, but it was like the moment the thought flashed she went mute, almost frozen.

Tims voice soon filled her ears, asking her not to, saying he was honestly concerned, that it wasn't a problem that she'd called. So many excuses to keep her from dropping the call, but it was as if her brain had trailed off to another place or time. "We can talk about anything. It doesn't have to be what you called for if you're not ready..."

She let out a soft sigh, looking at her surroundings as if she'd just been placed here after being somewhere else. It was different than waking up. It was like coming out of your own brain, but still being awake. She wiped the tears that were still evident on her face and took in a deep breath before letting it out. "I'm sorry."

"I didn't mean to sorry I spaced out or something, what where you saying? I'm really sorry," Alexz cradled the phone between her shoulder and head, and looked down at her shaking hands, he probably thought she was having a mental breakdown, or something equal to it. She tried to focus on the moment, and breathe but something kept pulling her back, into the vicious place she called her subconscious. She inhaled shakily trying to ground herself, but it was like being sucked into a time warp sometimes and she had all she could do to fight it. She had all she could do to hide it.

People around her always asked, but she was always just fine right? Wrong...she had every excuse in the book as lame as they really were. Maybe this is what she really deserved. She was sentenced to hell.

Tim let out a sigh of relief on the phone line and she closed her eyes for a moment praying that he wouldn't ask her what was wrong. She got her wish when he changed the subject to ask her how her day was. Not that that was much better.

"Umm...It was okay. Busy with everything going on, life, ya know." She ran a hand through her hair shakily as she looked around the room, feeling suddenly like she should be moving or outside. Something that didn't have her so grounded here inside. She stood and walked to the door, grabbing her keys off the shelf an walking out of the apartment. She locked the door behind her, beginning to pace the hallway. Anything that didn't keep her so grounded with where she was in her house. It was supposed to be a safe haven, but lately it just felt like a prison.

She moved out of the hall and to the elevator not having the agility to take a ton of stairs, she needed to have air suddenly she felt like she was suffocating, and she couldn't get her breath. His blazer that was usually parked out front was gone, she stumbled past the vacant spot and to the curb she needed to breathe, she felt sick, literally sick, as mental images from the days events assaulted her. She tried her hardest to gain composure, she needed to with him on the phone, but she was failing fast. She held onto her chest her lungs aching for well deserved air, while trying to keep her voice and stomach steady.

"I'm sorry just a minute," she spoke quickly but surprisingly steady as she moved the phone away from her ear, trying to breathe. She didn't want to be sick now. Not when she was trying to have a conversation, and especially not when she was trying to talk to him. She made herself stop thinking about how sick she felt. She needed to think about something else, so that she could separate herself from her current moment in time.

She lifted the phone to her ear again, once again apologizing. "I'm sorry. I um, I'm just sorry." She looked around crossing her arms as she looked out at the open street. It was late and people were rushing up and down the street. She wanted to do that. She wanted to get in her car and just drive. Just so she wouldn't have be standing here. But then she'd probably fidget and not sit still. Damn it, there were just too many emotions at once to be calm.

She knew she couldn't just drive away it would make things worse, as much as she just wanted to forget it all and run, she knew she couldn't she forced herself to sit down on the curb, trying hard not to start sobbing all over again, she felt like she was so far away, she needed something, or someone just to tell her it would be okay, she needed that something that drove her, she felt like she was losing it all.

She made herself talk to him, knowing that doing that would be the only thing to make her feel better. "I'm sorry, I'm just not feeling well...I think I caught the flu from one of my siblings," she spoke softly feeling bad for being so quiet on him.

"I'm sorry," he spoke with a soft reply, honestly feeling bad for her. Something was obviously wrong and here she was sick with the flu. Things never seemed to slow down for her.

"Would you like me to come to Vancouver for a few days," he asked quietly.

She thought for a moment to say yes, but as she rubbed her arms pulling up her sleeves some not able to feel her fingers at this point she was freezing, she saw newly forming bruises and realized she couldn't have him come. He'd see them and then he'd interrogate her. She couldn't have that happen. "No, no. I'll be fine, really. Its okay."

"Listen Al I know something is wrong and I am not going to just sit here and speculate please be there when I get there, Is he away on work?" Alexz nodded not realizing she hadn't spoke then answered barely above a squeak, "Yes, he is for a week," She responded quietly. "He just left tonight why?" Tim moved outside to his car now, more fast paced. "Because I need to know you are okay, and I will not believe that until I can see it for myself, something is wrong you are not telling me, and I need to know, I care about you, you know that..." He trailed off, thinking of her being hurt brought tears to his eyes, and a lump into his throat. "Alexz please..." He knew he'd seen it in her face on her skin, he'd asked a million times. "Okay," she was in tears again, this time barely able to catch her breath, she needed to calm down it would be okay right? He wouldn't tell anyone or force her to do anything she didn't want to do.

"Ally,..." His words came softly, and she jumped, suddenly feeling he was closer than she realized. She spun around and jumped into his arms, trying to keep her tears in check. He wrapped his arms tightly around her, but loosely enough that he wouldn't hurt her. "Mmmm..." He groaned softly, rubbing her back as he set her down.

Tears filled her eyes and she refused to stop them as she clicked the phone off. For once she was crying out of happiness, seeing him there in front of her. It had only been a week since the valentines day party they'd attended, but every time she saw him was like meeting him for the first time all over again. There was always a rush. "You said you were closing the Garde," she said softly as she hit his arm playfully.

He shrugged. "I lied. I'm good at it apparently," he teased softly as he slipped off his jacket, wrapping it around her to keep her from shivering. "I have to get my things out of my car, but why don't you go inside. We'll talk."

Alexz nodded and walked inside and into the elevator blowing on her hands trying to gain feeling in them again. She leaned against the wall feeling dizzy as the it went up, when it finally dinged she had all she could do to drag her exhausted body out of it. She was scared, he was here and he'd know now, there was no way she could hide it, even if he was refreshing as a glass of ice water on a hot summer day, she couldn't let herself love him, she had someone else, she had no choice anymore, her life was mapped out for her, like a life sentence, she felt horrible she knew Tim was only here on friendship it was okay right? What if David found out? Would he hit her more, what would he do? He was away, breathe Al, it's not like you're doing anything wrong.

She reached for her door unlocking it with unsteady hands, she needed to get inside, she felt about ready to fall.

Downstairs, Tim had been gathering his things. Before he headed for the door, he did a double take, as if he had to make sure no one was coming after them. He made his way inside, taking the elevator up to Alexz's apartment. He wanted badly to know what this guy was doing to the girl he'd loved for so long, but at the same time, he was afraid to know for fear that he might want to rip the guy limb from limb.

The elevator dinged and he rubbed his eyes before standing up straight and grabbing his bags off the floor, walking into the hallway. He made his way down the hall to Alexz's apartment. He couldn't help but laugh when he saw her in the kitchen, making a pot of coffee. He set his bags next to the door and walked into the kitchen, shaking his head. "Its 3:30 AM and you're brewing coffee?"

"This ummm, This night is going to be a lot longer than anticipated," She said softly trying to divert her thoughts with shaky hands and busy herself before the inevitable came. She pulled her sleeves down to touch her palms, having a hard time even turning around now. She was nervous and felt sick, at the same time, of course nerves weren't helpful. "Do you want anything?" She asked still not facing him. Her voice betrayed her either from feeling sick, or this lump in her throat she couldn't seem to make go away.

Tim shook his head, walking over to her and taking the coffee cup from her hands. He set it on the counter, ignoring her pouty expression as he reached up, feeling her forehead and flushed cheeks. "Nice fever. Got a thermometer," he asked softly, forcing himself to hold in a yawn. He'd stay up as long as she needed him to.

She shrugged, looking around the room. "Umm...It was on the vanity in the washroom the last time I saw it...like 2 weeks ago." She winced as she yawned herself, having the onset of a sore throat. "Let me see if I can find it," she spoke softy, grabbing her coffee cup with a childish smirk before she walked out of the room. She made her way to the washroom, praying that her stomach wouldn't flip. Something about this room always reminded her just how sick she was when ever she was in it.

Of course this time couldn't be any different, sometimes this room was her solace, more like a lot of the time when David was around, she'd lock herself in and call someone just to hear their voice, and remind herself that she was indeed human. She cursed her thoughts and her body at this moment, when her stomach did indeed turn, more like twist as she remembered some things that happened in this room too recently. She set the thermometer back down trying to gain as much control over her body as much as she could, but nothing seemed to go her way. Her stomach felt like it would jump into her throat any moment.

She let out a whimper, not wanting to be sick, but tears filled her eyes as her chest physically hurt, alerting her that she would be sick soon, whether she wanted to be or not. "No, please God, not now..." She prayed that it would go away and that she wouldn't actually be sick, but her body felt like it was going to turn inside out and destroy her. She moved away from the vanity, dropping in front of the toilet and clenching the sides of it so hard, her fingers turned white. She didn't want to be sick. If only dialectical therapy worked for things like this. That was what she needed. To just forget about how sick she felt.

Tim came into the room, having not seen her come back out of the room before. He frowned when he saw her curled in front of the toilet. He walked over to her, sitting down on the side over the wash basin. "Breathe, sweetie. I'll be okay."

She shook her head, keeping her lips clamped shut. If she spoke, she feared she'd be sick, and that was the last thing she wanted. She had her face so scrunched, she looked beyond angry, but she wasn't at all. She just didn't want to be sick. She'd do anything to not be sick. Anything to not have to throw up.

Tim rubbed her back, moving from the edge of the wash basin to her side, holding her hair away from her face and rubbing her back gently. He was lucky to have a bit of a stronger stomach, even though he hated seeing people he cared about getting sick, especially her. "Just let it out sweetie. Don't fight it. It just makes it worse."

She couldn't help but let out a laugh at the irony of that. Her family members always said that when she was crying 'for no reason', because she could never bring herself to tell them why she was so hurt. She feared that either they wouldn't believe her or that they'd think she were lesser than she actually was because of the the scum ball she'd chosen for a boyfriend. Her twisting stomach brought her back to reality though as she suddenly felt that it would be mere seconds before she threw up. She threw herself over the toilet bowl, clenching her eyes shut to keep the tears away as she heaved, once and then again and again until she'd lost track, breathing heavily when she finally managed to stop.

She felt like she might fall backwards, but Tim caught her, lifting her into his arms. "I think we should get you to bed."

"No! No please! Can we just stay out in the living room? Put me down please I'm sorry," Tears made tracks down her face, she hadn't meant to panic but she couldn't be in her bedroom right now. Tim looked at her worried and set her down sitting onto the chesterfield. Sitting down next to her he leaned to flick on the lamp. Then watched her as she put shaky hands to her face, trying to calm herself down. "I'm sorry Tim, I'm a freaking spazz, I just, well I..." She trailed off swallowing the lump in her throat.

He shook his head, rubbing her hair down. He didn't mean to upset her. "No, Al, its okay. Let me get you a glass of water." He kissed her forehead and walked out of the room to the kitchen. He shut off the coffee maker before grabbing a glass out of the cupboard above the sink. He walked to the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water, taking it back to the counter where he'd left the cup and poured some of the water into it before walking back to the sitting room with both the glass and the water bottle. He handed her the glass and uncapped the bottle, taking a sip of water out of it. "Should I gather some blankets and pillows?"

She shrugged, snuggling up to him and closing her eyes sheepishly. He smiled, rubbing her back, but stopped when he saw her wince. "Spence, whats wrong?"

She jumped up, feeling tears in her eyes as she realized what she'd just done. "I'm sorry, I'm fine. I swear, Tim, I'm okay. Its fine, I swear, I just-" She shook her head, looking down at her hands. She clamped them together, wringing them. Anything to not look him in the eye. He'd know for sure she was lying, and her wrist hurt like hell, she hurt everywhere actually and her wrist twisting it the way she was.

He grabbed her one of her arms lightly, using his other hand to lift her chin and make her look at him. "Sweetie, is okay. You can talk to me, whatever it is. I promise its okay."

"This, this I can't, you just don't understand I'm sorry.," Alexz put her head down feeling ashamed of herself. She wasn't sure why, she felt dirty, and worthless, like she didn't even deserve to have him there with her, she turned her head away from him, feeling like she'd never stop crying. It's been so long since she felt okay for real, she was beginning to wonder if happiness was as fake as the faulty smile she plastered on her face every day.

He shook his head, taking her hand into his. He rubbed the back of her hand, simultaneously reaching up to wipe her tears away. "No, Spence. Its okay." He felt her try to pull her hand away from his, and he knew she was trying to keep something from him. Watching her rub he wrist, he knew exactly what it was. His voice wavered as he felt tears pierce his eyes. "Let me see your arm, Spence." He tried to be firm, but his voice faltered.

She shook her head. "No. No its fine. I just, I fell on it earlier. Its fine, really." She stared at her arm still, avoiding his gaze.

He took her hand in his, lifting her chin to make her look at him as he swallowed hard. "Spence. Let, me see, your arm." He tried to be firmer, yet his voice shook even more, threatening a full on crying fit.

She shook her head violently, as if he were asking her to commit treason, but thats how she felt. If she showed him, then he'd know. That couldn't happen.

She shook her head, still trying to fight him. She didn't want to show him. He'd hate her or something. And if he didn't hate her, then he'd want to kill David. She couldn't have that happen. "No, Tim. Please. Just drop it. I can't..."

"Al listen I need to know your okay if you fell maybe you should go get checked?" He tried reasoning with her. Alexz looked up at him sadly, seeing the tears peek into his eyes, She didn't want to hurt him that was the last thing she wanted, she didn't want anyone hurt. That was the point, everything was always going wrong because of her. "I can't it's okay, it's not broken or anything I promise, Alexz moved to fix her sitting position feeling anxious, and shaky, Tim watched as her sleeve moved up slightly he took the chance to move it the rest of the way, tears filling his eyes at what he saw. "Oh god Al, what? Why didn't you... never mind. He did this didn't he?" He asked his voice low, he watched her face as she broke into tears for what seemed like the millionth time tonight. She nodded. "I'm sorry, I don't even deserve you to be here, it's my fault I never listen." She stood up wiping at her eyes.

She walked from the room feeling like he hated her now. She must be awful, she moved into the washroom closing the door behind her, and letting herself slide down it, now she'd ruined everything. David always said that she would be no one without him, she felt like she was nothing with him, what if he was right? she would never be enough. She got what she deserved, love was supposed to hurt right. He was so perfect in the beginning, everyone still says he is, they were the perfect couple, she wasn't so sure anymore. She'd always made him so angry, she could never do anything right, sometimes she just wished everything would disappear...that she would disappear

He stood as well, shaking his head as he walked to the washroom, knocking softly. "Spence, please let me in. I'm not mad at your, and no matter what you believe, this isn't your fault. Please open the door."

Alexz thought for a moment, still feeling horrible. She opened the door and didn't get a chance to speak, as he pulled her into a hug. "You don't need to be sorry, Spence, never. You didn't do anything wrong." He rubbed her back soothingly, breathing in the scent of her hair as he nuzzled his face into the side of her head. "No matter what's going on, I swear to you, you'll never have a reason to doubt someone loves you, girl. I swear. I'll always be here for you ., no matter what.", no matter what."

He could physically feel her shaking as she pulled away, he already knew what was the use in hiding it now, she unzipped her bunny hug and shrugged it off wincing slightly. "I'm sorry," She hung her head feeling ashamed knowing that sooner or later he'd ask to see.

Tim kissed the side of her head and then pulled away from her, not wanting to press her for too much in one night. He checked his watch and yawned, seeing that it said 7AM. The three hour time difference meant it was going on 4, making him beyond tired. "I don't want to press you for anything more tonight. Partially because I'm nut sure I have the energy to react and because I think we should both at least try to get some sleep. What would you say to that?" He smiled genuinely, hoping he'd agree. He wasn't going to be able to sleep until he was sure she was.

Alexz nodded her own body feeling heavy, she wasn't sure she'd actually sleep. Her mind was in a million places at once. Her chest felt tight all over again, at the thought of closing her eyes. The images that constantly replayed bringing her back hours, days, who knew anymore. She's lost count, and probably herself in the process. She wasn't sure where to pick the pieces of herself up from anymore.

Her family hated her, because David made them believe she wanted nothing to do with them, when that was the farthest thing from the truth, she needed them more than ever, and because of him they simply walked away, She'd spend what time with them she could, but it didn't matter anymore. They didn't care. Couldn't they see how badly she needed them, couldn't they tell how much she hurt, why couldn't they see what he was doing to her, or did they just not want to. She felt another piece of her heart break at the thought. Another piece of her fell away.

She hated the time when she closes her eyes, everything played like a movie real, tearing at her heart, and breaking her soul, they didn't care did they, she wanted them to. Was she really broken and alone? Was she really just not important to them anymore?

She remembered a couple days before Davids mom had told her, her family was worthless and she didn't need to be around them, who the hell did this woman think she was telling her how to live? telling her how she was supposed to act, telling her that she was nothing but a sinner, and that this was her fault? Who was she to think she knew what she felt inside, what she was supposed to do as a person, and that she was to obey her son, because that was the way the bible had said...

Alexz bit her lip her thoughts running away with her, she felt angry with his mom, intimidated by her, and in the same moment, she thought maybe she was right.

Tim laid down next to her after having changed and looked over at her sheepishly. No way he'd leave her alone in this condition. He was trying to keep himself awake for her, but his eyes were heavy from lack of sleep, and he could see she was deep in thought, though he feared that it wasn't something beneficial. He reached up, rubbing her cheek softly, often like Tommy might on Instant Star. Sadly reality was nothing like their hit TV show. "Something I can get you, Al?" He asked sweetly and quietly.

She shook her head, snuggling in close to him. There was no need for words for him to know that she was still upset, but he was willing to do anything for her to make her feel better. "You know I'm here for you, no matter what. I'll always believe you."

She nodded wordlessly, clinging to him with her tiny fists. She didn't want to talk. She just needed for him to hold her for now. Even if she wasn't emotionally or even physically okay, having him there made her feel better even in the slightest.

She found herself asleep quickly despite what the day had brought to her, she hadn't expected to even fall asleep but the flu, on top of exhaustion was not her friend. She even tried not to fall asleep but it happened, in a few hours it would be light out, and she would have to face the day again.