(Disclaimer: I do not own Meteor Garden or Hana Yori Dango. Only the plot
and words are mine. I will not get any money from writing this [but it'd be
great if you'd send me some!!!])
Sigh. It's been a while. I honestly thought that I won't be able to write another ficky until Christmas vacation but I was drawn to the computer. This time however, the hero of my story is not my dear Hua ze Lei but the playboy Ximen. Why him you ask? Because not only did someone ask me to make one about him, but I've always been intrigued by his character.
This is a little longer than any of my three previous stories because it's literally just a one-shot fic. Sorry, I won't make a trilogy out of it. I'm not particularly a Ximen-Xiao You fan and this story does not really evolve around their relationship. You'd find out why as you read along. A added a new character but it's up to you who you would like to be the girl. I prefer Zhang Zhi Yi, I dunno why. she's just beautiful I guess and I do not know a lot of Chinese actresses anyway.
I am hoping that you will also like it for it's a pathetic excuse for a story. I wanna bang my head on the computer!!! Please Ximen fans, don't send me hate mails after reading this. Also, I would like to credit my friend Kundiman ng Haraya for allowing me to include one of her beautiful poems. Watch out for her, she's the bomb!!
Anyway, this is getting too long already. I just pray you'd enjoy it too. Please feel free to comment! Thank you!!
-red_star
Behind the Glasses
I am standing at a crossroads, with two paths before me going to opposite directions. I would have to make a choice and once I take a step, there'd be no turning back.
The luggage I carry at my back is heavy; the soles of my feet are burning from treading too long. My escape was put to a halt by this fork road that compels me to make a crucial decision. I take the road to my right and I'd have to continue with my predictable, lavish life, managing one of the largest corporations in Taiwan. I'd have to exist the way most people my status do, drowning in an abundance of wealth and power. I'd have to spend the rest of my days with a woman who care for me with all her heart, yet I couldn't make myself adore, whom my parents imposed on me to marry. I take the opposite way and I'd have to give up all.
The sky is still the color of charcoal with glitters scattered here and there. Surprisingly, the moon is not in its perfect stage, showing only half of its figure like the piece of hot bread I had for dinner, broken in two. The land I stand on is not cemented and very alien from the smooth pavement I am used to. The smell of the misty grass overwhelms my senses, so does the buzzing of the insects and croaking of the frogs. Again, I am alone.
How I got here, only the gods know. None of the scene around me had been registered in my head before and I am certain that I am lost. All I remember is packing up my things with the hope to finding out what I really want in life. The wedding is set tomorrow and time is definitely not on my side right now.
"Ximen!" I heard someone shout my name. I turned around and caught sight of her. That couldn't possibly be. She's been long gone. I tried to remain calm to prevent my heart from palpitating. She had tears in her eyes, flowing down her smooth cheeks. That couldn't possibly. She still was wearing that same high school uniform that fitted her seamlessly, her hair in imperfect ponytail.
"Ximen!!!" she cried once more, only this time it was louder, with more conviction. "I love you!!!"
And then she vanished. As abruptly as she appeared.
I knew it was again one of my tormenting hallucinations but the vividness of the vision sent shills up my spine. I looked down, quite ashamed of what had become of me and saw beads of water on the ground, from the tears that betrayed me.
I was brought back to my wits and sudden gloom fell upon me. The girl I had just seen is the sole reason why I ran away, why I have to make a choice. It may seem ridiculous but she had more impact on my being than any person I know. She who did not speak much. She who only wanted to see me smile. And I know I broke not just her heart, but also her spirit.
I stare again at the crossroads ahead of me and sigh, trying in vain to remove the weight within my core. The strong wind makes me close my heavy eyes and I am brought back in time when I still had her within reach.
I was born with a silver spoon in the mouth, my father owning a huge corporation in our country. I do not recall a time when I had to get my hands dirty to acquire the things I've wanted. You could say that I was a spoiled brat but with my upbringing, who wouldn't be?? I have been friends with 3 other kids like me, kids who enjoyed all the luxuries in life starting at a very young age. We were not allowed to mingle with just anybody. We're rich.
But beyond the wealth and the influence, people rarely saw that our huge mansion was rotting inside. My parents' marriage had been rocky since the very beginning. They were never a happy couple, never showed their affection for each other. Though it appeared that they were together still, it was nothing but a carnival show. My dad would not come home for weeks, leaving my mom and I alone at that palace-like structure. I never belonged to a "home".
All my life I felt like an outcast except around Dao Ming Si, Hua ze Lei and Meizhuo. The rest were just in for my money and for connections to my father. As a child, I made up a world totally my own and invited buddies who would accept me for who I am. Buddies who only existed as shadows on my walls or lifeless figures made of plastic or cotton. But I did not care because at least my friendship with them was real even though they weren't.
I think I was four when another wealthy family moved next door. Theirs was not old money. The father just got lucky with a new business and was able to buy his family an enormous house in a neighborhood, which happened to be ours. I was really young then and couldn't care less about other people's lives.
The youngest among the brood was a girl my age. For some cosmical reasons, her bedroom was situated adjacent to mine with the railings of our terraces just a few meters apart. I remember her having long, straight hair with bangs and being paper-thin. The gap between her front teeth displayed whenever she would smile, which was often, and anyone could attest that she was an ugly duckling.
Maybe that's why we clicked, why we became really close friends. I was the complete contradictory, being a chubby kid, overweight even, and my mom always saw to it that my hairstyle resembled that of her idol, Paul McCartney. At a very early age, I had to wear spectacles for my astigmatism. There we were, two souls from opposite poles, finding comfort in each other's friendship.
Chen Yao Kim is her name. She was my Kim.
Ever since I could remember, she had always been an artist, always holding crayons or paintbrushes. Day and night, I would see her clasp a pencil and sketch out pictures with much passion. Images that were screaming to get out of her juvenile head. The perfect curved rainbow, the indigo sky with yellow stars of various sizes, the green fields, trees and mountains. the portrait of us both, with our chinky eyes and toothy grins. She truly was one talented girl.
Kim was very different from the other girls at our school. She never cared about how she looked, never minded if her uniform was stained with rust and food drippings or if one of her braids had untangled already. She had the ability to wrestle with rowdy boys like us and at the same time have tea parties with her pampered lass friends. And for that, I admired her.
One time, as we were playing in their backyard she painted the pavement using colored chalks a giant image of the sun, smiling at the spectator, freckles scattered all over its round cheeks. Nobody would have thought it was a work of an 8-year old kid. The lines and strokes were just too perfect, the shading too flawless. I was riding my bike that time and I remember being hypnotized by the illustration that laid before me. It was so magnificently done.
Suddenly, I felt myself getting out balanced and before I could have control of my bike again, I crashed to the ground. Though it hurt so much, I forced myself not to cry because I didn't want her to see me weak. Even at a young age, I was already filled with pride.
Kim hurriedly came over and helped me up, evidently concerned by what happened to me. "Ximen! Are you OK?" she asked. I merely nodded, trying hard to avoid looking at my throbbing wound. She then put my arms over her shoulders as if to aid me walk. No, she did not ask for their maids' help nor cried to her mama. All by herself, she braved to treat the abrasion at my elbow, cleansing the cut with a gel-like medication and covering it with a plastic strip.
"There, it would soon heal." she spoke, while securing the adhesive bandage. Something about the genuine smile on her face calmed me down and I knew at that moment that I would perpetually treasure the person who had gained my trust with that very simple gesture.
Since then, we've become best of friends. Looking back, I laugh at the things we shared with each other, our secrets, our fears, and our dreams. Kim was the sole person who understood the turmoil in our family as well as my deepest desire for my parents to be happy together even just for once. She on the other hand, professed to me about her aspiration to become one of Taiwan's greatest artists. "Someday, before I become famous, I'd make a portrait of you." she once promised.
The rest of F4 barely knew about our friendship for I tried to hide it whenever we're in school. We often played with her but Meizhuo, Lei and Ah Si had no idea that at the end of the day, it was her that I talked with, her that I cried to.
It was odd, really. Who would have thought that an arrogant, self-centered kid like me would find friendship with someone as simple and cheerful as her? I never saw her hate anyone, not even when other students bullied her for being different, for being ugly... She was brave though and defied them but most of the time, Kim would come home with a torn skirt or a broken lunchbox.
I was such a coward. Never had the courage to defend her, never had the guts to tell the world about our closeness. But she understood. and kept mum about it. In my heart, I knew that all she yearned for was to spend time with me, to see me smile. She was a truly nice girl.
Growing up, I recall waking early in the morning and seeing her at the terrace, doing her routine art training. I saw the evolution of her materials, from crayons, to charcoals, to oil on canvass. Kim's daily practice really honed her skills and eventually, her works became finer and more like that of a professional. The blossoming exotic flowers, of various kinds and colors, so distinct and real, you could imagine them jumping out of the frame and coming to life. The assorted constellations that coat the infinite sky, inspiring man to plot figures, which would guide him in prophesying his future. The rough images of everyday people, performing human acts such as fishing or reading a paper, as if to immortalize that moment into a piece of art.
I noticed her too, slowly blooming into a charming young lady. The once crooked teeth were made perfect by the orthodontic wires that she wore, giving her that bright smile I truly adored. The once skinny body accumulated weight and developed to a form that was noticeably ideal. The once long hair was cut just below the shoulders, minus the bangs yet retained its softness and shine. All these I noticed when we turned 14 and something told me that our relationship would never be the same again.
Gradually, my feelings for her became deeper. I would often catch myself staring at her sliding door, waiting for her to call me out. At times, I would hide behind my curtain and peek outside to watch her do magic with her charcoal or paintbrush, wishfully thinking it's me she was painting. I just realized that I listened more attentively to her stories and looked forward to our regular stargazing get together.
Yet again, I was a coward. I was so scared to feel affection for her because I did not want to risk the wonderful friendship we had. I was afraid that she might be enamored with somebody else already and I'd be left sulking in rejection. I was in denial, even within my own heart but as much as I'd like to remove the thoughts from my mind the signs were clear- I had fallen in love with Kim.
In our co-ed school, many lads were smitten by the glow she exuded. The same lads, who once pushed her around, tore her skirt and broke her lunchbox. I would often see them swarm around her like dogs trailing behind a master, showering her with gifts she obviously didn't need. From afar, I'd observe the way they discreetly slid their hands with hers or touched her hair and smirked with joy every time she gave them a cold shoulder.
However, I envied them. At least, they were able to express to her how they felt inside, unlike me who could not even look himself in the mirror and admit that he had fallen for his best friend. I had all the luxury of connecting with her yet vowed never to confess my love for fear of rejection or maybe that lingering concern of a broken friendship. I made my stupid self believe that the moment we submit to the call of Venus, all were meant to go down in ruins.
One night, as I was playing my guitar, I heard something hit my glass sliding door. Of course, I knew already who it was.
"Ximen! Still awake??" she said, which seemed to me as a cross between a shout and a whisper. "Ximen!"
"I'm still up. What's the matter?" I replied, opening the door. "Can I go over there? Look above you, there are no clouds!! The stars are in their full glory!" she answered enthusiastically, pointing at the sky.
A few minutes later, we found ourselves sitting on my roof, drinking hot chocolate. She was already wearing pajamas, printed with tiny bears, while I just wore shorts and a faded green shirt. The wind was subtly blowing and from the top, we could both see the yellow and orange lights that illuminated the streets of the boulevard afar. This is what I live for. This absolute simplicity and beauty of the moment. For a long time, we did not say a word nor started a discussion. The serene setting that surrounded us seemed to have mesmerized us both.
"Do you already have a date for the dance?" she asked, breaking the silence. We were 16 then, in our thrid year of high school and a formal was about to take place in a week. "Me? No." answered I without looking at her. I wanted so badly to be her partner but as always, I did not have the guts to ask her out.
"Me too. Why don't we just come together? At least we won't have to be conscious the whole time." I didn't know what to reply. I felt my insides burst with happiness and wordlessly thanked the gods for answering my prayers. The heavenly bodies appeared to be dancing in the sky, joining me in my mute celebration. I was overflowing with so much joy yet I had to be careful for her not to see it. All I was able to do was nod my head in accordance.
We laid there, still observing the wonders of the vast sky. We have done that since we were little kids but that moment was unlike any other. I think it was then that I put to a halt on denying my feelings for Kim.
"I met a guy." she uttered all of a sudden. At first, I did not comprehend her words but she faced me and gave out a little smile. "I met this guy Ximen and he's just one of the most wonderful people I know." I was caught off guard by her statement and thought she might be joking around. "What?" I asked, concealing my anxiousness with a chuckle.
"What's so funny? I said, I got to know this really nice guy and over time we've become great friends. There's something with him that I couldn't quite put my finger on." she continued explaining dreamily and I could see the sparks in her eyes. The glee within me was abruptly corrupted and I was not even given the chance to immerse myself in it. I wanted to cover her lips, to tell her to stop speaking! Only I did not have enough will.
Out of the blue, everything around us became discolored, the usual vibrant hues dissolving to oblivion, and I was left to absorb the words that slashed like razor, adding to lesions to my already beaten-up heart.
"Whenever I stare at him, my day brightens. He has this truly contagious smile that just melts my knees and blows me away. It's not like he swept me off my feet, no, it didn't happen like that. We have known each other for quite some time already before I felt something for him. One morning I just woke up and he seemed more gorgeous! I don't know why, maybe it's his sense of humor, or perhaps his genuine concern for me, or probably just the fact that he never left my side!! He knows not a single idea how special he is. What do you think, Ximen? Should I tell him?"
Kim was staring at me, searching my eyes for a truthful answer. My chest tightened, I felt like being suffocated and struggled hard to keep a straight face. Given a choice, I wouldn't have responded to her query for it hurt too much... But I was her best friend and that's what best friends are supposed to do.
I licked my lips and breathed in before saying, "Yes you should... You'd never know if he feels the same way."
With that, she squeezed my hand as if to thank me.
"Ximen, play me a song." I was still taken aback by the whole situation that I was not able to heed her request quickly. She gripped my hand once more and said ".anything."
Slowly, I sat up and held my guitar while she remained in that position, lying on our roof with her head resting on her arms. Honestly, I had no idea what to play at that moment but an urge within told me to perform something, which Kim and I often sang together. I strummed slowly at first, practicing a few chords before I gave in to my emotions and played a song very dear to the both of us.
I'm gonna live my life Like everyday's the last Without a simple goodbye It all goes by so fast And now that you're gone I can't cry hard enough No I can't cry hard enough For you to hear me now
I'm gonna open my eyes And see for the first time I've let go of you like A child letting go of his kite
I gazed down at her and realized that she had fallen asleep, her face so calm and innocent, like that of an angel's. Right there and then, I could have embraced her tight and for a moment make her mine. but I merely looked above and bit my lower lip, fighting to stop my tears from falling. I lost. The warm beads of water poured out drop by drop and I had been drained of all spirit to wipe them off. I continued to sing, for Kim, for our friendship, for my love.
There it goes up in the sky There it goes beyond the clouds For no reason why I can't cry hard enough No I can't cry hard enough For you to hear me now.
Then came the night for the dance. The whole time I was preparing in my room, I felt my heart pounding real fast and I couldn't help but be anxious. I wore a gray suit which my mother forced me to have tailor-made and brushed my hair up to give me that sleek, clean look. I knew I couldn't be less than perfect for Kim.
As I came to fetch her at their house, I remained staring at my feet. Partly to surprise myself and of course out of nervousness as well. When she came out of the gate, all made up and smiling, I was caught frozen and slack-jawed. She was stunning.
She let her hair down, with the ends in twists and her make up was modestly done, just enough to emphasize her features. Her gown was the color of a pink rose, so simple without straps or ribbons, adored only with little shimmering crystals. She wore matching gloves up to her elbows, which added sophistication to her fresh look. Pretty was not enough word to describe her. She was splendid.
"Do I look OK?" she asked, rousing me from my reverie. OK? No, you look marvelous. I wanted to say but I merely grinned and tied the corsage around her wrist.
The program went smoothly but the most awaited part was the carnet dance. As we went to the dance floor, I sensed my knees wobbling and I tried hard to stride upright. The melodious music played in the background and the instance she placed her hands on my shoulders and I on her waist, all my uneasiness vanished.
There we were, lost in the spellbinding harmony that lingered in the air, holding each other as if there was no more tomorrow. In front of me was a princess, beautiful in so many ways. The way she fluttered her eyelashes, especially full and curly, like butterflies stuck on her lids. The smoothness of her flawless skin, like milk running though flesh. Her touch was enough to send me to the ninth clouds and that night, I felt like the luckiest guy on earth.
After the song, she whispered to my ear and asked me to go out of the ballroom with her. At first, I was puzzled, wondering why she wanted to leave the confines of the room and proceed to the garden outside. But I did not complain and conceded to her request.
We were walking, Kim and I, under the palm trees decorated with lights at the side of the hotel. I was preparing myself for her revelation that she already had a boyfriend and dreaded to find out who it was. I couldn't think of any possible person worthy of her love. Not even me.
"Ximen, if I were to tell you something, will you promise not to get mad?" she asked, stopping near the bushes that aligned the pathwalk. Who am I to get mad? As long as he will take care of you, I'd be very happy. I wanted to say but I felt my palms sweat and my heart beat fast. I merely pursed my lips and bowed my head a little to let her know I'd be willing to listen.
"Remember the conversation we had at the roof? About the guy I had fallen for.?" I looked down and awaited to hear the name of whoever that lucky guy may be.
"You were the person I was talking about."
The clock stopped ticking. My blood discontinued flowing through my veins. Everything seemed to have frozen in time and only the two of us remained breathing. I gazed at her and saw the girl of my dreams smiling back at me. Never will I be able to put to words how I felt at that moment, an intense blend of assorted emotions. That of shock, happiness, disbelief and utter amazement.
Before I could even speak anything, Kim took a step forward, lifted her head and kissed my slightly parted lips. It was a slow, pure, passionate kiss, a first for both of us. I could feel her creamy skin against mine, smell the fragrant scent of her hair. Swear to the heavens, I would give up all my riches to experience that kiss again, to be in that moment once more!!
After what seemed like an eternity, we both pulled away, breath-taken in sheer astonishment. I wanted to pinch myself to check if it was still reality! Everything seemed to be larger than life, large enough to overwhelm us both. We stood still for a long time before I took her hand and led her to sit on this intricately designed bench fit to seat 2 people.
Kim and I did not speak much afterward. She rested her head on my shoulder and overjoyed, we both just watched the heavenly bodies, plotting the various constellations. My happiness was beyond measure, greater even than the number of stars that overlooked us.
The weekend that followed that night was long for me because Kim went to an out of town trip with her family. I missed her already for we were not able to talk about what happened. As I was lying on my bed, reminiscing that wonderful evening we had together, how beautiful she looked, how lovely she smelled, how her unforeseen revelation surprised the senses out of me, I felt a sudden pang of fear.
I honestly didn't know why. I tried to shake my head to remove the thoughts away but there was a knot in my stomach. I pondered about it for a while, trying to grasp the reason for the impulse, hoping to clear my mind. But no, the more I thought about it, the more I realized the thing I dreaded most.
I cannot love Kim. Or maybe, she cannot love me.
For as long as I could remember, I've been always afraid of relationships, partly because of my aloof nature and mainly because of my parents. They never showed to me their affection for each other the way most parents would show their kids. I saw how they constantly fought and experienced first hand the effects of their separation, leading myself to believe that I could never fully love another person for I was broken. for I was incomplete.
I stared at the mirror and saw an image of a young man, arrogant and strong to many, but fragile and worthless to himself. Behind those glasses was a boy struggling to mask his insecurities with a proud pretense. Kim deserves someone better. I am not enough for her. I did try to salvage the sanity that was left in me, to somehow still give myself a chance in love. But the pull of my corrupted outlook was too strong, I had no choice but to give in. If could not love myself, how in the world could I love somebody else??!!
I adored Kim too much but knew that I couldn't provide the happiness she's wroth. I made a difficult choice- to detach myself from her with the hope that she might divert her emotions to someone much more deserving of her love.
The Monday after, I spotted her with her friends sitting at the gazebo at the schoolyard. "Ximen!!!" she shouted, waving zealously at me. My instincts told me to come up to her and maybe give a decent greeting. However, I was in total control of my emotions and merely gave her a pathetic smile. I figured the surprise and puzzlement in her face by my response but was courteous enough to smile back at me.
All throughout the day, I remained impassive to her. "Hey! Are you going out for snacks after classes?" she asked me, as I was fixing my things for the next subject. "Um, I probably would go home immediately. I'm not really feeling well." replied I, keeping myself from catching a glimpse of her. I did not want to see her reaction, did not want to see the disappointment in her eyes. "Okay. I guess I'd just see you then. Bye." she said, the words fading at the end.
As she slowly walked away, I couldn't help but take a glance. She was looking down, wetting her lips, obviously in deep thoughts. An enormous amount of guilt overcame me and suddenly had the urge of running after her and taking back what I said. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry. But my rational mind shouted louder, thus, I stayed where I was seating.
Days passed, weeks even, but I still remained indifferent towards her, occasionally ignoring her presence. Sometimes, Kim would call me up yet I'd pretend to be asleep, just so that we won't have to talk. I sacrificed my guitar practices at the terrace just so that she won't have to see me. Or maybe it's the other way around. She was reaching out but I kept pulling away. Little by little, I realized I was not only being cold, I was becoming hostile as well.
One time, about two weeks since the dance, I found a note tucked in my locker. You promised not to get mad if I told you about it. What went wrong? I did not write her back.
One afternoon after classes near the end of the school year, as I was walking through this pathway in our school, which led to the parking lot, I found myself pondering about the whole situation. I realized I was all alone with only the surroundings to accompany me in my gloom. The pavement made of diamond shaped bricks, cracked and chipped from enduring feet that have strolled over them. The trees with their long branches, foliage thick enough to overlap each other, creating arcs that sheltered the passers by. The breeze coming from my right side, blowing strong as if to reprimand and knock me off.
What if she finally decides to end it all?? If she realizes how awful I've been treating her and leaves me to sulk in misery?? I cannot blame her though, it was my fault.
"Ximen!"
I turned around and caught sight of her, wearing the high school uniform that fitted her seamlessly, hair in imperfect ponytail. "Wait!" she shouted and quickly sauntered to catch up with me. Again, I tried to appear uninterested and detached.
"Are you going home already?" "As a matter of fact yes. Why?"
Kim took a deep breath and composed herself first. "I'd like to give you this." she spoke as I was handed a purple-colored portfolio. I looked at it for a moment before I shrugged my shoulders and said "All right. Bye."
She gripped my wrist tight as I turned around to prevent me from taking another step. "Ximen. What have I done wrong?" The look on her face, I'd never forget it. Her lips were shaking, her eyes a blend of apology and questions. I saw how the tears fell from them, slowly at first, one by one then streamed down continuously without any sign to cease.
You have done nothing wrong!! It is I, I'm the villain!! I am not worth your tears, I'm sorry!! I wanted to scream those words out, to hold her close and admit that I loved her too! But my immense pride took over and I only kept a poker face. "Nothing's wrong with you. Maybe it's just me, I don't really know. Things happen, people change, it's part of growing up."
Gradually, she let go of my wrist, her lids blinking heavily and I recognized an alteration in her disposition, obviously an acceptance of defeat.
"We're moving away." Kim spoke softly, as if she was too haggard. "My papa's business had dwindled and he just found out a few months ago that we were left broke. Our house had to be elicited by the bank and honestly, they're just waiting for me to finish my schooling." She looked me in the eyes again. "We're moving away."
At first I thought she was only kidding. How could they possibly move away?? But the seriousness in her voice made me grasp the truthfulness of her statement and all I could do was close my eyes. Tell me this isn't real. Don't say you're leaving.
I would never forgive myself for how I reacted that afternoon. "Um, I have to go." I merely said, taking a step back and turning the opposite way. My chest tightened, my nose turned acid, but I walked quickly, as if to escape the aching reality.
"Ximen!" she called once more yet I ignored her.
"Ximen!!!" Kim shouted once again, only it was with more conviction. I had no choice but to stop and look back. "I love you!!!"
It was too much. I gave in to my emotions only I proceeded to walk in a hurry so she won't have to see me break down. I was running, the folder clutched under my arms, slightly shaking from my sudden outburst. It hurt too much, the pain was beyond words. I felt being choked by my own damned pride.
The night before they left, I locked myself up in my room, just lying awake, thousands of things going through my head. All of a sudden, I heard something hit my door. Once, twice, thrice. I stood up hesitantly and went out to the terrace to face her for the final time.
"I'm leaving tomorrow, aren't you even going to say goodbye?" she spoke, though that time there were no traces of sadness or regret. "Goodbye." I answered casually.
"What happened?? What happened to us??" she asked, with a look of genuine bafflement on her face. "We shared something really special. And now not a trace of it is left. The beautiful friendship, the connection, all of those had vanished. Just like that. I never asked you to love me in return. I only wanted you to know."
Yet again, I saw the warm fluid run down her pink cheeks but her expression did not change a bit. It even became more definite, more assertive. "Look at me Ximen, look me straight in the eyes and say that you never felt anything, that you do not feel the same."
Suddenly, I became embarrassed. Not only to Kim but especially to myself. How could I be so fearful?? Why am I deliberately hurting her?? But I was firm and did as she asked, only I could not lie. I could not deny that I loved her too. "Let go." That's all I was able to utter.
She took a deep breath in a futile effort to control her sob. But I perceived how her face became dour and heard her voice become broken. "What is there to let go of? I never had you anyway." And with that, she hurriedly went inside her room and I was left standing at the terrace, still stunned by the words that gripped and constrained me like a shackle.
I did not have the energy or spirit to sleep. I noticed the portfolio on the table and for the first time took a look at it. Slowly, I lifted the cover and inside there were about 20 sketches, all of which were me. Ximen sleeping, Ximen waving from a boat, Ximen riding a bike. They were drawings, of different shapes and sizes, some in charcoal, others in watercolor or crayon, all of which illustrated my very life. I only sifted through it for it ached too much. The portfolio had to be closed and stored in a place where I'd never have to see it again.
I felt so bad, I told myself I was the most terrible person in existence. All night, I sat or lied down wide-awake with my mind blocked of anything. In other words, I just drifted away. Early next day, I heard her family going out of the house. The engine of their car and the movers' trucks, the voices of the members bidding farewell to the mansion, the barking of their pet dog.
I got up from my position and peeked outside my window, hiding behind the thick curtains. She was about to get in the car but stopped for a moment to look up at my room, still hoping to see me wave her goodbye. still waiting for my formal parting words. But once more I did not have the courage and that was the last I saw of her. Full of sorrow and regrets.
Since then, nothing's ever been the same again. I started hating myself, hating my family, hating the world. Ah Si, Lei and Meizhuo knew not a thing about my bitterness and anger towards my own person because I've mastered the art of pretension. People never saw behind the glasses.
All Ximen was to them was a filthy rich playboy. True, I fooled around with girls, flirting or sleeping with them most of the time. Females, as I called them whom I had no respect for. They were just there to satisfy my needs, to keep me company for a while. Nobody lasted for a week- they had expiration dates. What I felt for them was attraction, never affection. That started since the day of her leaving up to college.
Until I met Xiao You. She was Sancai's co-worker in a café, a lass slightly younger than me. The very moment I encountered her, I noticed already her similarity to Kim. Their aura, their smiles, their bubbly personality, very much alike. Immediately, I knew I had to distance myself from her. No, I cannot love Xiao You. I cannot allow myself to wound someone's heart again.
But she began to like me and tried her best for me to notice her. Even if it pained me, I had to be the cold and impassive Ximen just so her feelings would not deepen. Yet she was persistent. All of a sudden I just found myself inside a hotel room with her but I could not do it. Not to someone as special as Xiao You. She was about to migrate then and as we laid bed, her head on my chest, memories of Kim reeled though my mind again. I made a tough decision but it was for Xiao You's good. I deprived myself of another chance in love. The next day, she flew to Canada.
As much as I'd like to deny it, her departure was difficult for me. I felt my chest about to burst in pain and knew that I had to confide on someone.
Hua ze Lei was kind enough to have a drink with me one afternoon along this boardwalk at the riverside. I was having second thoughts if I should open up to him but since the burden was too heavy, I thought I needed to discard some weight off. There, I opened to him about Xiao You and my feelings for her. This led to the beginning, to the story of my friendship with Kim and how it ended in a tragedy.
Every single detail I poured out to him. Our childhood, our first kiss, her profession of love and how cruelly I treated her after. I explained why I had to be like that and what caused my silly realizations. The repercussions of my stupid decision and its devastating effects on my life.
Lei merely listened silently, looking at the water while alternately gulping his beer. I thought he was not interested for at that very same time, he too was hurting because of Sancai. He may not be vocal about it but it showed. After I finished, he stared at me, my form reflecting on his pupil and said, "Never be regretful of the things you have done. Regret those which you were not able to do."
I was astounded beyond measure, I was not even able to move for a whole minute. Lei never ceased to amaze me. He never spoke much but whenever words would come out of his lips, it was always mind-boggling, always full of hidden wisdom. His statement made me reassess my already wrecked life.
Now, ten years after my best friend left me, things had been looking great. I was able to pick up the scattered pieces of my broken life and put them back together. I now manage the corporation of my father, which gave me the confidence I needed to prove something to myself. I am engaged to a wonderful young lady though our marriage was arranged by our parents. At times, I ask myself whether I really love her because since Kim, I know very well that I've never loved anybody else. But I am not getting any younger and this is my responsibility.
However, two weeks ago, as I was scouring through my old files in the attic, I came upon a dusty purple-colored portfolio. My veins shuddered, my jaw dropped. It was the portfolio that Kim gave to me. I've never seen it in ten years!
Nervous, I opened it and once again saw the exquisite pictures that she drew of me. That time though, I admired each portrait for a long time and was overwhelmed by the gush of emotions that rushed within me. And then I saw it. The cluster of words that formed a message inscribed on the picture that showed me sitting on the roof, looking at the evening sky. My smile vanished for it read:
Beneath the diamond strewn canopy of the night I close my eyes and think of the one I love Within the silent chamber of my immortal soul I reach out to the memory of him For that is all that is left And all I shall ever have.
Right there and then I broke down like a child. Of all the times, why now?? Why did I miss it before?? Why had I only known it now?? The song that I sang to her that fateful night on my roof kept playing on my head, which aggravated the throbbing pain. That's all that I needed for me to face the past I ran away from. I tasked some of our researchers to find out where she was and what had been of her. I never would have expected the information that I received. Kim married at the age of 20 and became a battered wife. She had been divorced twice, with three children from different men. She lives somewhere in southern Taiwan, working as a waitress to provide for her kids.
What happened to her?? What happened to dreams?? I could not help but blame myself.
I am standing at a crossroads, with two paths before me going to opposite directions. I would have to make a choice and once I take a step, there'd be no turning back.
Why am I here, you ask? I made a decision to search for my real happiness, to assess what I truly desire in life. I take the road to my right and I will have to continue with my existence, filled with wealth and power, and marry the woman my parents wanted for me. I will still enjoy material luxuries as well as my friendship with Ah Si, Lei and Meizhuo.
I take the opposite way and I'd have to go to wherever Kim is, apologize for all my wrongdoings and confess to her the thing that has held me a prisoner for so long. that I still and always will love her with all of my soul. I will be disowned, I know, but I look forward to having a fresh start wherever fate may bring me.
The sky is starting to turn a dark purple. then a light shade of pink. A hint of orange can be perceived at the distance and I can see the sun rising. I take a step. I make a choice. I guess this is my life.
The End.
Author's note: The story is left open-ended. It is up to the readers to choose the fate they want for Ximen.
Sigh. It's been a while. I honestly thought that I won't be able to write another ficky until Christmas vacation but I was drawn to the computer. This time however, the hero of my story is not my dear Hua ze Lei but the playboy Ximen. Why him you ask? Because not only did someone ask me to make one about him, but I've always been intrigued by his character.
This is a little longer than any of my three previous stories because it's literally just a one-shot fic. Sorry, I won't make a trilogy out of it. I'm not particularly a Ximen-Xiao You fan and this story does not really evolve around their relationship. You'd find out why as you read along. A added a new character but it's up to you who you would like to be the girl. I prefer Zhang Zhi Yi, I dunno why. she's just beautiful I guess and I do not know a lot of Chinese actresses anyway.
I am hoping that you will also like it for it's a pathetic excuse for a story. I wanna bang my head on the computer!!! Please Ximen fans, don't send me hate mails after reading this. Also, I would like to credit my friend Kundiman ng Haraya for allowing me to include one of her beautiful poems. Watch out for her, she's the bomb!!
Anyway, this is getting too long already. I just pray you'd enjoy it too. Please feel free to comment! Thank you!!
-red_star
Behind the Glasses
I am standing at a crossroads, with two paths before me going to opposite directions. I would have to make a choice and once I take a step, there'd be no turning back.
The luggage I carry at my back is heavy; the soles of my feet are burning from treading too long. My escape was put to a halt by this fork road that compels me to make a crucial decision. I take the road to my right and I'd have to continue with my predictable, lavish life, managing one of the largest corporations in Taiwan. I'd have to exist the way most people my status do, drowning in an abundance of wealth and power. I'd have to spend the rest of my days with a woman who care for me with all her heart, yet I couldn't make myself adore, whom my parents imposed on me to marry. I take the opposite way and I'd have to give up all.
The sky is still the color of charcoal with glitters scattered here and there. Surprisingly, the moon is not in its perfect stage, showing only half of its figure like the piece of hot bread I had for dinner, broken in two. The land I stand on is not cemented and very alien from the smooth pavement I am used to. The smell of the misty grass overwhelms my senses, so does the buzzing of the insects and croaking of the frogs. Again, I am alone.
How I got here, only the gods know. None of the scene around me had been registered in my head before and I am certain that I am lost. All I remember is packing up my things with the hope to finding out what I really want in life. The wedding is set tomorrow and time is definitely not on my side right now.
"Ximen!" I heard someone shout my name. I turned around and caught sight of her. That couldn't possibly be. She's been long gone. I tried to remain calm to prevent my heart from palpitating. She had tears in her eyes, flowing down her smooth cheeks. That couldn't possibly. She still was wearing that same high school uniform that fitted her seamlessly, her hair in imperfect ponytail.
"Ximen!!!" she cried once more, only this time it was louder, with more conviction. "I love you!!!"
And then she vanished. As abruptly as she appeared.
I knew it was again one of my tormenting hallucinations but the vividness of the vision sent shills up my spine. I looked down, quite ashamed of what had become of me and saw beads of water on the ground, from the tears that betrayed me.
I was brought back to my wits and sudden gloom fell upon me. The girl I had just seen is the sole reason why I ran away, why I have to make a choice. It may seem ridiculous but she had more impact on my being than any person I know. She who did not speak much. She who only wanted to see me smile. And I know I broke not just her heart, but also her spirit.
I stare again at the crossroads ahead of me and sigh, trying in vain to remove the weight within my core. The strong wind makes me close my heavy eyes and I am brought back in time when I still had her within reach.
I was born with a silver spoon in the mouth, my father owning a huge corporation in our country. I do not recall a time when I had to get my hands dirty to acquire the things I've wanted. You could say that I was a spoiled brat but with my upbringing, who wouldn't be?? I have been friends with 3 other kids like me, kids who enjoyed all the luxuries in life starting at a very young age. We were not allowed to mingle with just anybody. We're rich.
But beyond the wealth and the influence, people rarely saw that our huge mansion was rotting inside. My parents' marriage had been rocky since the very beginning. They were never a happy couple, never showed their affection for each other. Though it appeared that they were together still, it was nothing but a carnival show. My dad would not come home for weeks, leaving my mom and I alone at that palace-like structure. I never belonged to a "home".
All my life I felt like an outcast except around Dao Ming Si, Hua ze Lei and Meizhuo. The rest were just in for my money and for connections to my father. As a child, I made up a world totally my own and invited buddies who would accept me for who I am. Buddies who only existed as shadows on my walls or lifeless figures made of plastic or cotton. But I did not care because at least my friendship with them was real even though they weren't.
I think I was four when another wealthy family moved next door. Theirs was not old money. The father just got lucky with a new business and was able to buy his family an enormous house in a neighborhood, which happened to be ours. I was really young then and couldn't care less about other people's lives.
The youngest among the brood was a girl my age. For some cosmical reasons, her bedroom was situated adjacent to mine with the railings of our terraces just a few meters apart. I remember her having long, straight hair with bangs and being paper-thin. The gap between her front teeth displayed whenever she would smile, which was often, and anyone could attest that she was an ugly duckling.
Maybe that's why we clicked, why we became really close friends. I was the complete contradictory, being a chubby kid, overweight even, and my mom always saw to it that my hairstyle resembled that of her idol, Paul McCartney. At a very early age, I had to wear spectacles for my astigmatism. There we were, two souls from opposite poles, finding comfort in each other's friendship.
Chen Yao Kim is her name. She was my Kim.
Ever since I could remember, she had always been an artist, always holding crayons or paintbrushes. Day and night, I would see her clasp a pencil and sketch out pictures with much passion. Images that were screaming to get out of her juvenile head. The perfect curved rainbow, the indigo sky with yellow stars of various sizes, the green fields, trees and mountains. the portrait of us both, with our chinky eyes and toothy grins. She truly was one talented girl.
Kim was very different from the other girls at our school. She never cared about how she looked, never minded if her uniform was stained with rust and food drippings or if one of her braids had untangled already. She had the ability to wrestle with rowdy boys like us and at the same time have tea parties with her pampered lass friends. And for that, I admired her.
One time, as we were playing in their backyard she painted the pavement using colored chalks a giant image of the sun, smiling at the spectator, freckles scattered all over its round cheeks. Nobody would have thought it was a work of an 8-year old kid. The lines and strokes were just too perfect, the shading too flawless. I was riding my bike that time and I remember being hypnotized by the illustration that laid before me. It was so magnificently done.
Suddenly, I felt myself getting out balanced and before I could have control of my bike again, I crashed to the ground. Though it hurt so much, I forced myself not to cry because I didn't want her to see me weak. Even at a young age, I was already filled with pride.
Kim hurriedly came over and helped me up, evidently concerned by what happened to me. "Ximen! Are you OK?" she asked. I merely nodded, trying hard to avoid looking at my throbbing wound. She then put my arms over her shoulders as if to aid me walk. No, she did not ask for their maids' help nor cried to her mama. All by herself, she braved to treat the abrasion at my elbow, cleansing the cut with a gel-like medication and covering it with a plastic strip.
"There, it would soon heal." she spoke, while securing the adhesive bandage. Something about the genuine smile on her face calmed me down and I knew at that moment that I would perpetually treasure the person who had gained my trust with that very simple gesture.
Since then, we've become best of friends. Looking back, I laugh at the things we shared with each other, our secrets, our fears, and our dreams. Kim was the sole person who understood the turmoil in our family as well as my deepest desire for my parents to be happy together even just for once. She on the other hand, professed to me about her aspiration to become one of Taiwan's greatest artists. "Someday, before I become famous, I'd make a portrait of you." she once promised.
The rest of F4 barely knew about our friendship for I tried to hide it whenever we're in school. We often played with her but Meizhuo, Lei and Ah Si had no idea that at the end of the day, it was her that I talked with, her that I cried to.
It was odd, really. Who would have thought that an arrogant, self-centered kid like me would find friendship with someone as simple and cheerful as her? I never saw her hate anyone, not even when other students bullied her for being different, for being ugly... She was brave though and defied them but most of the time, Kim would come home with a torn skirt or a broken lunchbox.
I was such a coward. Never had the courage to defend her, never had the guts to tell the world about our closeness. But she understood. and kept mum about it. In my heart, I knew that all she yearned for was to spend time with me, to see me smile. She was a truly nice girl.
Growing up, I recall waking early in the morning and seeing her at the terrace, doing her routine art training. I saw the evolution of her materials, from crayons, to charcoals, to oil on canvass. Kim's daily practice really honed her skills and eventually, her works became finer and more like that of a professional. The blossoming exotic flowers, of various kinds and colors, so distinct and real, you could imagine them jumping out of the frame and coming to life. The assorted constellations that coat the infinite sky, inspiring man to plot figures, which would guide him in prophesying his future. The rough images of everyday people, performing human acts such as fishing or reading a paper, as if to immortalize that moment into a piece of art.
I noticed her too, slowly blooming into a charming young lady. The once crooked teeth were made perfect by the orthodontic wires that she wore, giving her that bright smile I truly adored. The once skinny body accumulated weight and developed to a form that was noticeably ideal. The once long hair was cut just below the shoulders, minus the bangs yet retained its softness and shine. All these I noticed when we turned 14 and something told me that our relationship would never be the same again.
Gradually, my feelings for her became deeper. I would often catch myself staring at her sliding door, waiting for her to call me out. At times, I would hide behind my curtain and peek outside to watch her do magic with her charcoal or paintbrush, wishfully thinking it's me she was painting. I just realized that I listened more attentively to her stories and looked forward to our regular stargazing get together.
Yet again, I was a coward. I was so scared to feel affection for her because I did not want to risk the wonderful friendship we had. I was afraid that she might be enamored with somebody else already and I'd be left sulking in rejection. I was in denial, even within my own heart but as much as I'd like to remove the thoughts from my mind the signs were clear- I had fallen in love with Kim.
In our co-ed school, many lads were smitten by the glow she exuded. The same lads, who once pushed her around, tore her skirt and broke her lunchbox. I would often see them swarm around her like dogs trailing behind a master, showering her with gifts she obviously didn't need. From afar, I'd observe the way they discreetly slid their hands with hers or touched her hair and smirked with joy every time she gave them a cold shoulder.
However, I envied them. At least, they were able to express to her how they felt inside, unlike me who could not even look himself in the mirror and admit that he had fallen for his best friend. I had all the luxury of connecting with her yet vowed never to confess my love for fear of rejection or maybe that lingering concern of a broken friendship. I made my stupid self believe that the moment we submit to the call of Venus, all were meant to go down in ruins.
One night, as I was playing my guitar, I heard something hit my glass sliding door. Of course, I knew already who it was.
"Ximen! Still awake??" she said, which seemed to me as a cross between a shout and a whisper. "Ximen!"
"I'm still up. What's the matter?" I replied, opening the door. "Can I go over there? Look above you, there are no clouds!! The stars are in their full glory!" she answered enthusiastically, pointing at the sky.
A few minutes later, we found ourselves sitting on my roof, drinking hot chocolate. She was already wearing pajamas, printed with tiny bears, while I just wore shorts and a faded green shirt. The wind was subtly blowing and from the top, we could both see the yellow and orange lights that illuminated the streets of the boulevard afar. This is what I live for. This absolute simplicity and beauty of the moment. For a long time, we did not say a word nor started a discussion. The serene setting that surrounded us seemed to have mesmerized us both.
"Do you already have a date for the dance?" she asked, breaking the silence. We were 16 then, in our thrid year of high school and a formal was about to take place in a week. "Me? No." answered I without looking at her. I wanted so badly to be her partner but as always, I did not have the guts to ask her out.
"Me too. Why don't we just come together? At least we won't have to be conscious the whole time." I didn't know what to reply. I felt my insides burst with happiness and wordlessly thanked the gods for answering my prayers. The heavenly bodies appeared to be dancing in the sky, joining me in my mute celebration. I was overflowing with so much joy yet I had to be careful for her not to see it. All I was able to do was nod my head in accordance.
We laid there, still observing the wonders of the vast sky. We have done that since we were little kids but that moment was unlike any other. I think it was then that I put to a halt on denying my feelings for Kim.
"I met a guy." she uttered all of a sudden. At first, I did not comprehend her words but she faced me and gave out a little smile. "I met this guy Ximen and he's just one of the most wonderful people I know." I was caught off guard by her statement and thought she might be joking around. "What?" I asked, concealing my anxiousness with a chuckle.
"What's so funny? I said, I got to know this really nice guy and over time we've become great friends. There's something with him that I couldn't quite put my finger on." she continued explaining dreamily and I could see the sparks in her eyes. The glee within me was abruptly corrupted and I was not even given the chance to immerse myself in it. I wanted to cover her lips, to tell her to stop speaking! Only I did not have enough will.
Out of the blue, everything around us became discolored, the usual vibrant hues dissolving to oblivion, and I was left to absorb the words that slashed like razor, adding to lesions to my already beaten-up heart.
"Whenever I stare at him, my day brightens. He has this truly contagious smile that just melts my knees and blows me away. It's not like he swept me off my feet, no, it didn't happen like that. We have known each other for quite some time already before I felt something for him. One morning I just woke up and he seemed more gorgeous! I don't know why, maybe it's his sense of humor, or perhaps his genuine concern for me, or probably just the fact that he never left my side!! He knows not a single idea how special he is. What do you think, Ximen? Should I tell him?"
Kim was staring at me, searching my eyes for a truthful answer. My chest tightened, I felt like being suffocated and struggled hard to keep a straight face. Given a choice, I wouldn't have responded to her query for it hurt too much... But I was her best friend and that's what best friends are supposed to do.
I licked my lips and breathed in before saying, "Yes you should... You'd never know if he feels the same way."
With that, she squeezed my hand as if to thank me.
"Ximen, play me a song." I was still taken aback by the whole situation that I was not able to heed her request quickly. She gripped my hand once more and said ".anything."
Slowly, I sat up and held my guitar while she remained in that position, lying on our roof with her head resting on her arms. Honestly, I had no idea what to play at that moment but an urge within told me to perform something, which Kim and I often sang together. I strummed slowly at first, practicing a few chords before I gave in to my emotions and played a song very dear to the both of us.
I'm gonna live my life Like everyday's the last Without a simple goodbye It all goes by so fast And now that you're gone I can't cry hard enough No I can't cry hard enough For you to hear me now
I'm gonna open my eyes And see for the first time I've let go of you like A child letting go of his kite
I gazed down at her and realized that she had fallen asleep, her face so calm and innocent, like that of an angel's. Right there and then, I could have embraced her tight and for a moment make her mine. but I merely looked above and bit my lower lip, fighting to stop my tears from falling. I lost. The warm beads of water poured out drop by drop and I had been drained of all spirit to wipe them off. I continued to sing, for Kim, for our friendship, for my love.
There it goes up in the sky There it goes beyond the clouds For no reason why I can't cry hard enough No I can't cry hard enough For you to hear me now.
Then came the night for the dance. The whole time I was preparing in my room, I felt my heart pounding real fast and I couldn't help but be anxious. I wore a gray suit which my mother forced me to have tailor-made and brushed my hair up to give me that sleek, clean look. I knew I couldn't be less than perfect for Kim.
As I came to fetch her at their house, I remained staring at my feet. Partly to surprise myself and of course out of nervousness as well. When she came out of the gate, all made up and smiling, I was caught frozen and slack-jawed. She was stunning.
She let her hair down, with the ends in twists and her make up was modestly done, just enough to emphasize her features. Her gown was the color of a pink rose, so simple without straps or ribbons, adored only with little shimmering crystals. She wore matching gloves up to her elbows, which added sophistication to her fresh look. Pretty was not enough word to describe her. She was splendid.
"Do I look OK?" she asked, rousing me from my reverie. OK? No, you look marvelous. I wanted to say but I merely grinned and tied the corsage around her wrist.
The program went smoothly but the most awaited part was the carnet dance. As we went to the dance floor, I sensed my knees wobbling and I tried hard to stride upright. The melodious music played in the background and the instance she placed her hands on my shoulders and I on her waist, all my uneasiness vanished.
There we were, lost in the spellbinding harmony that lingered in the air, holding each other as if there was no more tomorrow. In front of me was a princess, beautiful in so many ways. The way she fluttered her eyelashes, especially full and curly, like butterflies stuck on her lids. The smoothness of her flawless skin, like milk running though flesh. Her touch was enough to send me to the ninth clouds and that night, I felt like the luckiest guy on earth.
After the song, she whispered to my ear and asked me to go out of the ballroom with her. At first, I was puzzled, wondering why she wanted to leave the confines of the room and proceed to the garden outside. But I did not complain and conceded to her request.
We were walking, Kim and I, under the palm trees decorated with lights at the side of the hotel. I was preparing myself for her revelation that she already had a boyfriend and dreaded to find out who it was. I couldn't think of any possible person worthy of her love. Not even me.
"Ximen, if I were to tell you something, will you promise not to get mad?" she asked, stopping near the bushes that aligned the pathwalk. Who am I to get mad? As long as he will take care of you, I'd be very happy. I wanted to say but I felt my palms sweat and my heart beat fast. I merely pursed my lips and bowed my head a little to let her know I'd be willing to listen.
"Remember the conversation we had at the roof? About the guy I had fallen for.?" I looked down and awaited to hear the name of whoever that lucky guy may be.
"You were the person I was talking about."
The clock stopped ticking. My blood discontinued flowing through my veins. Everything seemed to have frozen in time and only the two of us remained breathing. I gazed at her and saw the girl of my dreams smiling back at me. Never will I be able to put to words how I felt at that moment, an intense blend of assorted emotions. That of shock, happiness, disbelief and utter amazement.
Before I could even speak anything, Kim took a step forward, lifted her head and kissed my slightly parted lips. It was a slow, pure, passionate kiss, a first for both of us. I could feel her creamy skin against mine, smell the fragrant scent of her hair. Swear to the heavens, I would give up all my riches to experience that kiss again, to be in that moment once more!!
After what seemed like an eternity, we both pulled away, breath-taken in sheer astonishment. I wanted to pinch myself to check if it was still reality! Everything seemed to be larger than life, large enough to overwhelm us both. We stood still for a long time before I took her hand and led her to sit on this intricately designed bench fit to seat 2 people.
Kim and I did not speak much afterward. She rested her head on my shoulder and overjoyed, we both just watched the heavenly bodies, plotting the various constellations. My happiness was beyond measure, greater even than the number of stars that overlooked us.
The weekend that followed that night was long for me because Kim went to an out of town trip with her family. I missed her already for we were not able to talk about what happened. As I was lying on my bed, reminiscing that wonderful evening we had together, how beautiful she looked, how lovely she smelled, how her unforeseen revelation surprised the senses out of me, I felt a sudden pang of fear.
I honestly didn't know why. I tried to shake my head to remove the thoughts away but there was a knot in my stomach. I pondered about it for a while, trying to grasp the reason for the impulse, hoping to clear my mind. But no, the more I thought about it, the more I realized the thing I dreaded most.
I cannot love Kim. Or maybe, she cannot love me.
For as long as I could remember, I've been always afraid of relationships, partly because of my aloof nature and mainly because of my parents. They never showed to me their affection for each other the way most parents would show their kids. I saw how they constantly fought and experienced first hand the effects of their separation, leading myself to believe that I could never fully love another person for I was broken. for I was incomplete.
I stared at the mirror and saw an image of a young man, arrogant and strong to many, but fragile and worthless to himself. Behind those glasses was a boy struggling to mask his insecurities with a proud pretense. Kim deserves someone better. I am not enough for her. I did try to salvage the sanity that was left in me, to somehow still give myself a chance in love. But the pull of my corrupted outlook was too strong, I had no choice but to give in. If could not love myself, how in the world could I love somebody else??!!
I adored Kim too much but knew that I couldn't provide the happiness she's wroth. I made a difficult choice- to detach myself from her with the hope that she might divert her emotions to someone much more deserving of her love.
The Monday after, I spotted her with her friends sitting at the gazebo at the schoolyard. "Ximen!!!" she shouted, waving zealously at me. My instincts told me to come up to her and maybe give a decent greeting. However, I was in total control of my emotions and merely gave her a pathetic smile. I figured the surprise and puzzlement in her face by my response but was courteous enough to smile back at me.
All throughout the day, I remained impassive to her. "Hey! Are you going out for snacks after classes?" she asked me, as I was fixing my things for the next subject. "Um, I probably would go home immediately. I'm not really feeling well." replied I, keeping myself from catching a glimpse of her. I did not want to see her reaction, did not want to see the disappointment in her eyes. "Okay. I guess I'd just see you then. Bye." she said, the words fading at the end.
As she slowly walked away, I couldn't help but take a glance. She was looking down, wetting her lips, obviously in deep thoughts. An enormous amount of guilt overcame me and suddenly had the urge of running after her and taking back what I said. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry. But my rational mind shouted louder, thus, I stayed where I was seating.
Days passed, weeks even, but I still remained indifferent towards her, occasionally ignoring her presence. Sometimes, Kim would call me up yet I'd pretend to be asleep, just so that we won't have to talk. I sacrificed my guitar practices at the terrace just so that she won't have to see me. Or maybe it's the other way around. She was reaching out but I kept pulling away. Little by little, I realized I was not only being cold, I was becoming hostile as well.
One time, about two weeks since the dance, I found a note tucked in my locker. You promised not to get mad if I told you about it. What went wrong? I did not write her back.
One afternoon after classes near the end of the school year, as I was walking through this pathway in our school, which led to the parking lot, I found myself pondering about the whole situation. I realized I was all alone with only the surroundings to accompany me in my gloom. The pavement made of diamond shaped bricks, cracked and chipped from enduring feet that have strolled over them. The trees with their long branches, foliage thick enough to overlap each other, creating arcs that sheltered the passers by. The breeze coming from my right side, blowing strong as if to reprimand and knock me off.
What if she finally decides to end it all?? If she realizes how awful I've been treating her and leaves me to sulk in misery?? I cannot blame her though, it was my fault.
"Ximen!"
I turned around and caught sight of her, wearing the high school uniform that fitted her seamlessly, hair in imperfect ponytail. "Wait!" she shouted and quickly sauntered to catch up with me. Again, I tried to appear uninterested and detached.
"Are you going home already?" "As a matter of fact yes. Why?"
Kim took a deep breath and composed herself first. "I'd like to give you this." she spoke as I was handed a purple-colored portfolio. I looked at it for a moment before I shrugged my shoulders and said "All right. Bye."
She gripped my wrist tight as I turned around to prevent me from taking another step. "Ximen. What have I done wrong?" The look on her face, I'd never forget it. Her lips were shaking, her eyes a blend of apology and questions. I saw how the tears fell from them, slowly at first, one by one then streamed down continuously without any sign to cease.
You have done nothing wrong!! It is I, I'm the villain!! I am not worth your tears, I'm sorry!! I wanted to scream those words out, to hold her close and admit that I loved her too! But my immense pride took over and I only kept a poker face. "Nothing's wrong with you. Maybe it's just me, I don't really know. Things happen, people change, it's part of growing up."
Gradually, she let go of my wrist, her lids blinking heavily and I recognized an alteration in her disposition, obviously an acceptance of defeat.
"We're moving away." Kim spoke softly, as if she was too haggard. "My papa's business had dwindled and he just found out a few months ago that we were left broke. Our house had to be elicited by the bank and honestly, they're just waiting for me to finish my schooling." She looked me in the eyes again. "We're moving away."
At first I thought she was only kidding. How could they possibly move away?? But the seriousness in her voice made me grasp the truthfulness of her statement and all I could do was close my eyes. Tell me this isn't real. Don't say you're leaving.
I would never forgive myself for how I reacted that afternoon. "Um, I have to go." I merely said, taking a step back and turning the opposite way. My chest tightened, my nose turned acid, but I walked quickly, as if to escape the aching reality.
"Ximen!" she called once more yet I ignored her.
"Ximen!!!" Kim shouted once again, only it was with more conviction. I had no choice but to stop and look back. "I love you!!!"
It was too much. I gave in to my emotions only I proceeded to walk in a hurry so she won't have to see me break down. I was running, the folder clutched under my arms, slightly shaking from my sudden outburst. It hurt too much, the pain was beyond words. I felt being choked by my own damned pride.
The night before they left, I locked myself up in my room, just lying awake, thousands of things going through my head. All of a sudden, I heard something hit my door. Once, twice, thrice. I stood up hesitantly and went out to the terrace to face her for the final time.
"I'm leaving tomorrow, aren't you even going to say goodbye?" she spoke, though that time there were no traces of sadness or regret. "Goodbye." I answered casually.
"What happened?? What happened to us??" she asked, with a look of genuine bafflement on her face. "We shared something really special. And now not a trace of it is left. The beautiful friendship, the connection, all of those had vanished. Just like that. I never asked you to love me in return. I only wanted you to know."
Yet again, I saw the warm fluid run down her pink cheeks but her expression did not change a bit. It even became more definite, more assertive. "Look at me Ximen, look me straight in the eyes and say that you never felt anything, that you do not feel the same."
Suddenly, I became embarrassed. Not only to Kim but especially to myself. How could I be so fearful?? Why am I deliberately hurting her?? But I was firm and did as she asked, only I could not lie. I could not deny that I loved her too. "Let go." That's all I was able to utter.
She took a deep breath in a futile effort to control her sob. But I perceived how her face became dour and heard her voice become broken. "What is there to let go of? I never had you anyway." And with that, she hurriedly went inside her room and I was left standing at the terrace, still stunned by the words that gripped and constrained me like a shackle.
I did not have the energy or spirit to sleep. I noticed the portfolio on the table and for the first time took a look at it. Slowly, I lifted the cover and inside there were about 20 sketches, all of which were me. Ximen sleeping, Ximen waving from a boat, Ximen riding a bike. They were drawings, of different shapes and sizes, some in charcoal, others in watercolor or crayon, all of which illustrated my very life. I only sifted through it for it ached too much. The portfolio had to be closed and stored in a place where I'd never have to see it again.
I felt so bad, I told myself I was the most terrible person in existence. All night, I sat or lied down wide-awake with my mind blocked of anything. In other words, I just drifted away. Early next day, I heard her family going out of the house. The engine of their car and the movers' trucks, the voices of the members bidding farewell to the mansion, the barking of their pet dog.
I got up from my position and peeked outside my window, hiding behind the thick curtains. She was about to get in the car but stopped for a moment to look up at my room, still hoping to see me wave her goodbye. still waiting for my formal parting words. But once more I did not have the courage and that was the last I saw of her. Full of sorrow and regrets.
Since then, nothing's ever been the same again. I started hating myself, hating my family, hating the world. Ah Si, Lei and Meizhuo knew not a thing about my bitterness and anger towards my own person because I've mastered the art of pretension. People never saw behind the glasses.
All Ximen was to them was a filthy rich playboy. True, I fooled around with girls, flirting or sleeping with them most of the time. Females, as I called them whom I had no respect for. They were just there to satisfy my needs, to keep me company for a while. Nobody lasted for a week- they had expiration dates. What I felt for them was attraction, never affection. That started since the day of her leaving up to college.
Until I met Xiao You. She was Sancai's co-worker in a café, a lass slightly younger than me. The very moment I encountered her, I noticed already her similarity to Kim. Their aura, their smiles, their bubbly personality, very much alike. Immediately, I knew I had to distance myself from her. No, I cannot love Xiao You. I cannot allow myself to wound someone's heart again.
But she began to like me and tried her best for me to notice her. Even if it pained me, I had to be the cold and impassive Ximen just so her feelings would not deepen. Yet she was persistent. All of a sudden I just found myself inside a hotel room with her but I could not do it. Not to someone as special as Xiao You. She was about to migrate then and as we laid bed, her head on my chest, memories of Kim reeled though my mind again. I made a tough decision but it was for Xiao You's good. I deprived myself of another chance in love. The next day, she flew to Canada.
As much as I'd like to deny it, her departure was difficult for me. I felt my chest about to burst in pain and knew that I had to confide on someone.
Hua ze Lei was kind enough to have a drink with me one afternoon along this boardwalk at the riverside. I was having second thoughts if I should open up to him but since the burden was too heavy, I thought I needed to discard some weight off. There, I opened to him about Xiao You and my feelings for her. This led to the beginning, to the story of my friendship with Kim and how it ended in a tragedy.
Every single detail I poured out to him. Our childhood, our first kiss, her profession of love and how cruelly I treated her after. I explained why I had to be like that and what caused my silly realizations. The repercussions of my stupid decision and its devastating effects on my life.
Lei merely listened silently, looking at the water while alternately gulping his beer. I thought he was not interested for at that very same time, he too was hurting because of Sancai. He may not be vocal about it but it showed. After I finished, he stared at me, my form reflecting on his pupil and said, "Never be regretful of the things you have done. Regret those which you were not able to do."
I was astounded beyond measure, I was not even able to move for a whole minute. Lei never ceased to amaze me. He never spoke much but whenever words would come out of his lips, it was always mind-boggling, always full of hidden wisdom. His statement made me reassess my already wrecked life.
Now, ten years after my best friend left me, things had been looking great. I was able to pick up the scattered pieces of my broken life and put them back together. I now manage the corporation of my father, which gave me the confidence I needed to prove something to myself. I am engaged to a wonderful young lady though our marriage was arranged by our parents. At times, I ask myself whether I really love her because since Kim, I know very well that I've never loved anybody else. But I am not getting any younger and this is my responsibility.
However, two weeks ago, as I was scouring through my old files in the attic, I came upon a dusty purple-colored portfolio. My veins shuddered, my jaw dropped. It was the portfolio that Kim gave to me. I've never seen it in ten years!
Nervous, I opened it and once again saw the exquisite pictures that she drew of me. That time though, I admired each portrait for a long time and was overwhelmed by the gush of emotions that rushed within me. And then I saw it. The cluster of words that formed a message inscribed on the picture that showed me sitting on the roof, looking at the evening sky. My smile vanished for it read:
Beneath the diamond strewn canopy of the night I close my eyes and think of the one I love Within the silent chamber of my immortal soul I reach out to the memory of him For that is all that is left And all I shall ever have.
Right there and then I broke down like a child. Of all the times, why now?? Why did I miss it before?? Why had I only known it now?? The song that I sang to her that fateful night on my roof kept playing on my head, which aggravated the throbbing pain. That's all that I needed for me to face the past I ran away from. I tasked some of our researchers to find out where she was and what had been of her. I never would have expected the information that I received. Kim married at the age of 20 and became a battered wife. She had been divorced twice, with three children from different men. She lives somewhere in southern Taiwan, working as a waitress to provide for her kids.
What happened to her?? What happened to dreams?? I could not help but blame myself.
I am standing at a crossroads, with two paths before me going to opposite directions. I would have to make a choice and once I take a step, there'd be no turning back.
Why am I here, you ask? I made a decision to search for my real happiness, to assess what I truly desire in life. I take the road to my right and I will have to continue with my existence, filled with wealth and power, and marry the woman my parents wanted for me. I will still enjoy material luxuries as well as my friendship with Ah Si, Lei and Meizhuo.
I take the opposite way and I'd have to go to wherever Kim is, apologize for all my wrongdoings and confess to her the thing that has held me a prisoner for so long. that I still and always will love her with all of my soul. I will be disowned, I know, but I look forward to having a fresh start wherever fate may bring me.
The sky is starting to turn a dark purple. then a light shade of pink. A hint of orange can be perceived at the distance and I can see the sun rising. I take a step. I make a choice. I guess this is my life.
The End.
Author's note: The story is left open-ended. It is up to the readers to choose the fate they want for Ximen.