Title: Underneath It All
Category: Drama/Romance
Rated: PG-13. May become R in later chapters.
Spoilers: Slightly. If you haven't seen Accidents Will Happen, both parts.
Summary: You say it best when you say nothing at all. Manny comes to terms with who she really is, and who she really wants.
Disclaimers: I don't own any of the characters. I simply wish I owned Jimmy Brooks.
Archiving: Just let me know.
Feedback: Read and review, please. Just no flaming. If you don't like the idea, stop reading. It's just that simple.
PART ONE
"You're cynical and beautiful,
You always make a scene.
You're monochrome delirious,
You're nothing that you seem.
I'm drowning in your vanity,
Your laugh is a disease.
You know you're everything I need." - Dizzy by Goo Goo Dolls.
The first time I saw her, she was wearing sunglasses.
She is perfect. She will always be perfect. The definition of perfection, in fact. A pristine glass in the crowd of plastic cups. It's as if she knows she's on top of the world. Standing high and mighty ontop of a mountain, barking out orders to the rest of us, her friends, her minions. She has a way with words. I don't know if it's the way she says "hon" every other second, but something about her entices people, including me. Something about her reaches out for you, claws at you with freshly manicured fingernails until you give in. And no matter if you want to or not, you will eventually give in to her manipulative ways. Her hips sway in time with her steps and her eyes are a piercing bluish green, like the calm sea, intertwined with nonchalant care. There was an invisible crown capping those irresistable blonde tendrils. Paige Michalchuk, queen of Degrassi. The high fucking queen of everything, of everybody. And everyone knew it, and no one dared to question her authority.
There was a star in the corner of her sunglasses.
I questioned her authority once. Boy, was I stupid. Those same mesmerizing eyes shot a look of hatred and betrayal in my direction. Instead of backing down, I stood up on my tip-toes, challenging the blonde. She look suprised, as if no one had ever dared to stand up to her before. Queen Paige. I thought she was going to whip out a machete and take my head off at any second. Instead, she told me I wasn't cheerleading material. Captain obvious, much? I knew I wasn't cheerleading material. My voice was loud or perky enough. The only reason why I tried out for the Spirit Squad in the first place was to get closer to her. To get closer to Paige Michalchuk. To squeeze my way into her perfect life, into her perfect everything. She's perfect. I wanted to be perfect too.
Perfect. I didn't want to be cute. I didn't want to be adorable, I didn't want my grandparents to squeeze my cheeks any tighter and woo me with their sweet words. No. I wanted to be hot. I wanted to be sexy. I wanted to be every Degrassi boy's object of affection. I wanted to be the girl that every boy wanted, and every girl envied. Not Paige. Not Hazel. Me. Manuella Santos. So I did. I became every boy's fantasy, and the object of every girl's envy and hate. When I walked into school that day with my thong over my jeans, I was the bomb. No, I was great. I wasn't Manny Santos anymore. I was Manuella Santos, the slut of the school. And I couldn't be any happier.
Craig started hanging around me more after that. Probably thought he could get an easy lay or two, or three, maybe five. He started to look hotter, with his hair shaggy and disheveled, painful eyes staring at me with a heart of gold behind them. The way he strummed on his guitar and sang with such a beautiful soul made me want him even more. The way I sauntered through the hallways without a care in the whole fucking world made him want me even more. When he and Ashley had that fight, I saw that as my opportunity. My opportunity to step through the door of Craig Manning's life, and enter what I had wanted for so long. A chance with Craig. When he was unbuttoning my shirt, everything felt so right. So I pushed my lips against his and fluttered my eyes tightly closed, and let myself get caught up in the moment.
She smiled at me.
But he used me. Just like everyone else does. He lied. Just like everyone else. I still don't understand what I saw in him. His eyes, the desire and emotion behind them; I think that's what got to me. He was broken and bruised and crushed inside and all I wanted to do was mend him, to heal Craig. To be his savior, and to be his everything. That's all I ever wanted. But he took advantage over me. It was almost if I was a toy and I was hanging on the shortest strings, waiting for somebody, anybody to come around and pay me the slightest bit of attention. I'm the punching bag of Degrassi's male population, a big neon sign flashing in light blue: come take a hit when you want it, boys. It's just that easy, and I'm just that easy.
There were things I lost on the long and agonizing trip to becoming the famed slut of Degrassi. Emma, for one and most importantly. I changed myself, and she didn't like it. I followed the crowd, and she didn't like it. Come to think about it, there's a lot of things that Emma doesn't like. But conforming just to be another head in the crowd is probably the one thing she absolutely detests. And here is her best friend, innocent and adorable Manny Santos, doing just that. I guess I never really took Emma's feelings into consideration, and until this very day I regret it. Emma, contrary to what I believe, was a good friend. No, scratch that. She was a great friend, the epitome of a best friend. Why I was stupid enough to throw something like that away I'll never understand. But there will always be a certain understanding between us. We'll always care about each other and we'll always look out for each other. She and Snake were the only two people to understand what I was going through when I was pregnant with Craig's baby, and I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful for Emma.
I'm thankful for her.
"Manny? Hello, earth to Manny?" JT was snapping his fingers in front of my face and looking at me with the weirdest look. I reluctantly tore myself away from my thoughts, and looked at him with the widest smile I could manage at that point. Pull yourself together, Manny. It's just another day at Degrassi.