EHN EHN EHN EHN EHN—
Duo Maxwell gave a groan, bed springs creaking in protest as he flopped over, burying his head as far into the mattress and under his pillows as possible.
EHN EHN EHN EHN EHN EHN—
A calloused, permanently oil-stained hand snaked out of the cocoon of sheets, blankets, scraps of paper, socks, and day-old pizza to slap around, finally hitting the OFF button on the alarm clock, and ending that wretched buzzing sound.
Time to start yet another day, one that would no doubt be filled with many broken down hunk'o'junk cars, microwaves, TVs, stereos, and any other household appliance that really should just be trashed, but for one reason or another, the owners brought to his Fix It Garage.
Maybe it was a nostalgic attachment to their machinery that brought them to Duo.
More likely, however, it was the fact that they'd actually get to see Duo Maxwell, Legendary Hero of the Old Wars, Gundam Pilot Extraordinaire, and Resident Hermit of Colony L2.
So what if Duo didn't like to leave his home? Food delivery services provided him with ample nourishment—
[ One only had to take a look at the rotund figure he cut in his customary blue-jean overalls to know he was in no danger of starvation ]
Working in his scrap-metal yard gave him adequate exercise—
[ Don't let the gut fool ya—beneath the faded t-shirts, one could easily see the thick knots of muscles in his shoulders and arms ]
And any sort of clothing he needed could easily be procured through one of the local stores from the nearby strip-malls—
[ Though, said overalls and t-shirts were so stained with dirt, grease, and food splatters, that one had to wonder when the last time he'd gone clothes shopping was, exactly. ]
Back to the present, if you please.
Having somehow found and put on his favorite overalls and boots in the mess he liked to call his 'room' [ a bed amid a sea of dirty dishes, dirty linens, old potato-chip bags, half-finished candy-bars, and god knows what else ], Duo ambled to the bathroom, scratching at the back of his head, brown braid streaked with a few lines of silver, but just as thick as when he was a kid, and nearly touching the ground.
Letting out a jaw-cracking yawn, he flicked on the light switch in the bathroom and preceded with the average morning rituals— 'relieving' himself, brushing his teeth, etc.
He considered shaving.. Just for a second, mind you, before he thought better of it and instead picked up a small pair of rusty scissors, and trimmed down the coarse beginnings of a beard.
There was no point in shaving these days- by midday, that 5-o'clock shadow would be back anyway. Trimming one's beard didn't require things like soap or a razor, and was actually quicker, in the long run.
Duo had just finished getting it all down to an even stubble when he heard a beeping.
More like a bleeping, really.
He blinked... It couldn't be... Could it?!
Back in his bedroom, Duo dug through a pile of unmentionable objects, finally producing the flat monitor and small mainframe of his old vidphone [ you know- that two-way video/phone piece of equipment . ]
That was odd... His vidphone hadn't rang in what.. 7.. No.. 10 years? Duo didn't give out his number. The device was used only to make outgoing calls to confirm orders he made over the internet.
While he pondered, the thing kept on bleeping. Thankfully, whoever was calling seemed to have anticipated Duo's sluggishness in answering, and didn't hang up.
Duo wasn't so thankful once he flipped it on and saw who it was.
"Duo?! What took you so long, you fat, lazy lout?!"
The man stared agape at the screen, more from shock and perhaps disgust, rather than pleased surprise. "Lady... Lady Une?!"
"No, it's the Tooth Fairy... Of course it's me, you half-wit!"
Duo counted himself lucky; though he'd certainly aged, Time had been pretty good to him. The same couldn't be said for Une.
The woman stared out at him from an oversized blue chair, brown hair hid beneath a rather obvious, blond wig. Her chest was withered, her arms poking out like two sticks from beneath the hospital gown she wore, her hands covered in age-spots. And her face.. Dear lord! It was a mess of deep and overlapping wrinkles, her skin sallow and magnified eyes staring out from behind a thick pair of glasses.
"Bet you're wondering why I called you, hmm?" she drawled.
Duo swallowed hard. "Oh... Lady Une... How much longer did they give you to... To live?"
"WHAT?! I'm not dying! I'm still in my prime! Has living cooped up in your hovel on L2 made you retarded, or what?" Une all but crowed.
The former Gundam pilot flinched. Nothing that horrible looking should still be alive.
Age had clearly done nothing to improve her temper. In fact, it seemed like the years had only made it completely intolerable. It was little wonder she hadn't given herself a stroke.
And her insults were starting to sting.
"I called because I've got a mission for you, Maxwell," Une finally stated, after a drawn out, very unfunny [ for Duo ], verbal-abuse involved guessing game that the author shall not bore you with.
"A mission?" Duo echoed dubiously, scratching at one of his stubbly cheeks.
"Yes. A mission, you dunderhead. I would have given it to someone younger, more fit, and perhaps better looking—"
As if the old bag had room to talk about looks...
"But as you know, the Preventers funding isn't what it used to be. So, I can't pay the men I send on this mission. That's where you come in," she said.
Duo scowled wholeheartedly. "Lady, I haven't heard from you or any other of you Preventer folk in damn near a decade. Why the hell would I do a mission for you, for free, no less?"
"Because I ORDER you to!!!" Une howled with enough malice to warrant three exclamation points.
". . .Okay. I'm going to disconnect now. Buh-bye," Duo stated flatly, reaching over to cut the power.
"Wait! Don't be hasty! Turning me off now might mean the death of someone close to you... closer than you'd care to admit..." Une whispered cryptically.
Duo paused. The old bat was off her rocker. But, this could prove to be mildly entertaining. "Fine. Enlighten me."
Une grinned, revealing a mouth more full of gum than teeth. "Heero Yuy has been... kidnapped!"
"Riiiight."
"Don't get fresh with me, you slob! This is no joke. About three months ago, a vessel containing 10 new Preventer recruits went on a training mission.
"Heero Yuy, a.k.a. The Perfect Soldier, a.k.a. The Ice Prince, a.k.a. The Black Hole, a.k.a. Self-Destruct-o, alias Mr. Goodbar, was a hired instructor on that ship. It was attacked, and though the recruits made it back to dock, Heero didn't.
"After an investigation, it was found that Relena Peacecraft, a.k.a. Queen Relena, a.k.a. Heero Yuy's #1 Fangirl, a.k.a. Psychotic Stalker, alias The Pink Princess, has taken him prisoner, and is keeping his against his will on Colony XL693882991... L69, as most civilians call it."
Duo, having been forced to hold in his snickering throughout that short speech, was now turning an alarming shade of purple.
"Your mission is find those other three washed-up Gundam pilots, and set out with them to retrieve him at once!"
"Okay. Let me recap," Duo said, taking a few deep breaths and wiping the laughter-tears from his eyes. "The Pink Princess somehow managed to capture Mr. Goodbar and has now taken him half-way across the galaxy to a colony whose name happens to have an over-obvious sexual innuendo."
"...That is correct," Une replied, nodding.
"BAH-HAHAHAHAHAAAA!" the braided man guffawed, falling over.
"Stop laughing, you uneducated baboon! This is NOT A JOKE. We fear that Relena has been using drugs and conditional training to create the ideal Heero Yuy of her diabolic dreams. In short, she is REPROGRAMMING him."
Duo slowly sat back up. "You.. You're serious, then?"
Une sneered. "No shit, Sherlock. And considering the extensive training and programming Dr. J put him through as a child, her 'treatment' could very possibly destroy what little sanity he has left, and render him a Human Vegetable."
"I... I won't let her! That... That little tart! Where's my gun?" Duo promptly stood, violet eyes glazing over. "Howard! Forget the added stealth setting to Deathscythe! I've gotta suit up and ship out! Dammit! Where's my GUN?!"
"SHUT UP YOU PATHETIC EXCUSE OF AN EX-SOLDIER!" Une shrieked.
Duo blinked, coming out of the war-flashback. "Huh?"
"If you're finished with your Senior-Moment, I'll... Oh! Finally!" The loose, wrinkled folds of skin that made up Une's face shifted into what looked like a pleased expression. "My Botox Injections have arrived!"
A young nurse appeared on the screen next to Une, a rather large syringe in her hand.
"Back to what I was saying... Go to the Preventers Base on L2 in 02:00 hours. There, you'll find—" Une stopped, letting out a scream of pain as the nurse stuck the needle into her top lip. "YOU BITCH!! THAT HURT!!"
"Beauty is pain, Ms. Une!" the nurse chirped, removing the needle and looking for the next spot to target.
Duo felt nauseous as he watched Une's top lip tighten and pucker out like a duck's bill.
"There, you'll find a ship, and data regarding the locations of Trowa Barton, Quatre Winner, and Chang Wufei. Once you have them, set out for L69. Proceed at your own discretion. Should you be captured, I won't be sending anyone in to rescue you," Une finished, letting out another squeal like a speared pig as the nurse injected the chemicals into his forehead.
Taking care not to look at Une's unnaturally taut and swollen face, Duo nodded, flipping off the vidphone just as the nurse started to lower the old witch's hospital gown, narrowly avoiding an image that would have left him mentally scarred him for the rest of his life.
"Alrighty. So I've got to round up the other guys and go save Heero... It'll be just like old times!" Duo said to himself, pulling out a trunk from beneath a pile of dirty laundry.
Opening it, he carefully removed his most prized possessions: two handguns [ an old model, quite outdated ], a cartridge of bullets [ good thing he kept that, it would have been impossible to find ammunition for the guns.. unless he robbed a museum ], and one intact, pseudo-priest outfit.
Letting out a happy sigh, he quickly stripped off his overalls, leaving him standing there in just his boots, heart-print boxers, and dingy t-shirt. Grabbing the black jacket, he quickly started to tug it on...
It was a good thing Duo really hadn't gotten any taller since his Gundam piloting days... Too bad he'd gained about twenty inches in the waist, however.
Grunting and pulling, squeezing and tucking... It really didn't matter how much he tried to shift around that gut of his- there was no fitting into the get-up he'd been fond of as a teen.
Heaving a deep, less happy sigh than before, Duo put the outfit back in the trunk, put back on his stained, blue overalls, and hid the guns on his person. No use crying over spilled milk, or in this case, his unimpressive figure.
With a determined grunt, Duo slapped on his black cap [ the only part of his old 'uniform' that still fit ] and left his home for the first time in over 10 years.
He had a mission to carry out.
Hello! This fic is my answer the extreme case of writer's block I've been going through. Hopefully, it will get me motivated to keep going with my other two GW fics Art of Life and Eyes Love You.
It's just plain old good fun, I think. I hope you think so too. Either way, review and let me know!
Cheers!
--Zangai