A/N: They talk between the lines so much, I don't know how to show it.
Chidori had one job: collect the payment and give him the suppressants. Sensing Shadows and healing her teammates were more like a duty than a job. Other than these, she could do whatever she wants with her free time.
After being weekly invited, it became a silent agreement that they watched movies together once a week at his place. Tonight was no different. Chidori was heading there.
Who knows why Shinjiro has to watch a sad animal documentary every week with an acquaintance. Loneliness, perhaps. If that's the case, inviting the silver haired man who called him Shinji should be enough, but doing that went against what he was trying to do in the first place.
Shinjiro came into view, He was waiting for her outside. This, an abandoned place instead of a nice dorm. He didn't go back to his old place. He turned to her and the drugs. He worked for it. Strega benefited from him.
"You should care about yourself more," Chidori said.
Shinjiro raised his eyebrows, probably wondering where her question came from. "I'm fine. Listen to your own advice."
Chidori hummed. No way she would overwork like a certain person and drown herself in drugs. Also, Medea wouldn't let her die. She's too kind, and she wouldn't get mad if Chidori relieves stress by crying red blood once in a while. "You wouldn't understand."
"Sorry, but I do." Shinjiro pointed at the school with his thumb, the school which turned to the Tower of Demise each day. He went there almost every night in the past, how his Persona relieves stress. "I get it. I meant the way you think."
"Takaya has shown us the way."
"Yeah, that." Shinjiro looked down at his feet, only then Chidori noticed a weak cat eating from a bowl. "He's not a Jesus. Don't listen to him too much. Listen to yourself. That's how I do my thing."
Listen to herself? Chidori had no answer, unlike Takaya who had found true salvation. Jin and Chidori were following his way. Takaya had always been right. When Chidori accepted his way, it had been painless.
"... What you gonna stand there for?" Shinjiro opened the door to his house and they stepped inside.
Takaya had shown Jin and her, attachment was the cause of all pain. You should embrace death so that nothing in life could hurt you anymore. Shinjiro never listened to Takaya's words though. Shinjiro was too different. They didn't see the world the same way.
As Shinjiro was picking the movie and preparing the device, he asked, "How long can I live?"
Now it was her turn to wonder where that question came from. "A few years."
"And you?"
"Four to five years or more." Because of Medea's kindness. "I take it once every three days, unlike you." Chidori could do simple math. She knew how many pills there were in a bottle. Counting the days before his next visit to get the suppressants and she knew his consumption rate was daily.
Shinjiro shrugged. He could guess what she was implying. "On some day it's two per day, actually."
"It could be dangerous," Chidori said. It is dangerous. To suppress your Persona in the first place was not healthy. To forcefully bring it out was not healthy. The best way was to find a perfect balance, a balance where both sides slowly sunk and no one won. What Shinjiro was doing was far from balance. He'll fall, sooner or later.
Shinjiro took the seat and they watched the movies. Chidori herself had found the balance, once a few days was more than enough. Every other day was okay if you do not have Medea to take care of you. Every day was… she would say ridiculous. It is ridiculous. Still, Shinjiro wanted to justify the foolish dose he took, or perhaps he wanted a reason, some kind of emotion to suppress.
The Dark Hour struck. Shinjiro sent her off at the entrance. Chidori handed him the bottle and he handed her a suitcase.
"You go to the Tower of Demise a lot less," Chidori said. He still had saved money left.
"That means it's working." After all, Shinjiro took the pills as a way to send his Persona to sleep instead of letting it roam in the tower. "I don't need to see Castor's face when it is already growling in my head."
Ascending the tower alone was dangerous. She wouldn't question it if he had said that was the reason… "You don't like seeing Castor?"
"I want to forget."
"By taking drugs?"
"… If I'm gone, I don't have to see or feel anything."
True, that was why Shinjiro had left his little group in the first place, to forget and to be forgotten. And his reason for taking the drug was simple too: to numb the pain.
It would be painless if you keep destroying your other half, keep taking them even though the fingertips started to get cold and your fists were shaking. When your body itself was asking for death, under the effect of drugs, it would be painless. What a cruel fate people like her had to face without a choice.
But she was the one that suggested it to him, placed the bottle in his hands. Telling him it was for the better and that she was trying to help, it was so he would accept the deal. Strega needed information and money from him. It's not like they wanted to help.
If she hadn't done that, he might not have to rely on drugs to live. He might not become an addict. He might be happier in the long run.
But she was trying to help. She really was.
Chidori took a deep breath and tried to appear as neutral as possible. "... Suit yourself. Do what you want."
"That's what I intend to do," Shinjiro answered, not bothered even by a bit. Then the door was closed.
Chidori stood there in front of the door until Medea silently whispered to her that Shinjiro had calmed down with the effect of suppressants. Chidori wished she could tell him what she thought.
You don't need to watch sad animal stories before allowing yourself to cry.
You don't need to suppress your Persona to that degree by taking a pill every day.
You are different. You shouldn't have to share the same fate as us.
But it was none of her business, it seemed.