A/N: This short came to me after Dean made a comment in S14, E11, Prophet and Loss, to Sam that caught my attention and I wanted to write about it. I have taken this story and created a different version that deals with physical abuse. I hope you enjoy either or both stories and will leave me a review of your thoughts. NC
NOTE: There is mention of self-harm, so if this is a trigger, please don't read.
The emergency room was half full as Sam sat in the corner watching nurses and orderlies hurrying around as he waited on news about his brother. He looked down at his bloodstained hands and wiped them down his jeans trying to remove the evidence of what had happened. He could still see in his mind Dean flying through the air and out a plate glass window before he could rid the house of the poltergeist. He was full of guilt over his brother getting hurt and prayed he was going to be okay.
Bobby stepped through the automatic doors and stopped in the waiting area looking around for his surrogate son. Sam had woken him up in the middle of the night with a call a hunt had gone wrong and Dean had been hurt. He had done what he could and was taking him to the nearest hospital, hoping he could meet them there. Bobby was lucky the case had only been a few hours away from Sioux Falls and he made good time since the roads were empty this time of night.
His eyes landed on Sam sitting in a corner, hunched over, and hurried to his side. "Sam, son, are you okay?" he asked when he saw the blood covering his shirt and hands.
"Bobby, thanks for coming," Sam replied in a weak voice. "I only got a few bruises and scrapes. Dean got the worse of it. He jumped in front of me, knocking me out of the way. He was protecting me like he always does."
"Have you heard anything yet from the doctors?"
"No, we've not been here long. I'm waiting to hear."
"Family of Yates," a nurse called from the other side of the room.
"Yes, here," Sam answered getting up to hurry toward her.
Bobby followed him and stood by his side feeling Sam fidgeting as they waited to hear what she had to say.
"Your brother has been rushed upstairs for emergency surgery. He's got internal bleeding they need to stop and lacerations that need stitched. A piece of glass punctured one lung and he has some cracked ribs. There's a surgery waiting room on the second floor that you can go to. I'll let them know where you are so they can give you reports. The elevators are down that hall and around the corner. Go left when you get off and you'll see the signs for the waiting room," she told them.
Sam tried to say something but stumbled over his words not making any sense. He looked desperately at Bobby to reply for him.
"Thanks for the information," Bobby answered for him and took his arm guiding him in the directions the nurse had given. He found the elevators and press the button and waited for the doors to open. He got Sam on and hit the button for the second floor and waited as the elevator went up. The bell dinged and the doors opened for them to get out. "C'mon Sam, let's find this room."
Sam let himself be led from the car and down the hall. He was in a daze as everything that happened was hitting him all at once. He stumbled slightly and would have fallen if Bobby hadn't still had a firm hold on him. Sam felt himself being pushed down onto a couch and slumped as he seemed to deflate. He looked at his hand when Bobby put a cup of water in it.
"Drink something, you're starting to crash," Bobby told him gently. "Dean's tough, he'll be okay."
"It was my fault," Sam whispered before raising the trembling cup to his lips. "I messed up and almost got us both killed. He's going to hate me for that. I was taught better and I screwed up."
"Your brother knows you better than anyone and I'm sure he knows you didn't do anything on purpose. It's a coin toss whether you're going to get hurt on a hunt and you know that. Hell, from the time I first met you two kids, I could tell there was a special bond between you," Bobby told him. "It was months before Dean spoke after your mother was killed. And then it was only one syllable words. But let you grunt, or whine and he was there in an instance and knew exactly what you wanted or needed. You know that bond has only gotten stronger over the years. Yeah, it's been tested and may have wavered a few times, but it was never severed completely."
"I didn't know that was how he was with me back then. No one ever really talked about it, especially Dean," Sam replied as he racked his memories trying to remember if he had ever heard that mentioned to him growing up. He could see how what happened would affect a four-year-old like that and it didn't help that their father was messed up back then too. John probably didn't even notice what Dean was going through since he had his own demons to deal with. It saddened and upset him to know what Dean had to go through in their youth. He had taken over raising him and never really had a childhood of his own. When their mother was killed by Azazel, Dean had to become an adult in a child's body and grew up way too fast.
"There's probably a lot you don't know about that time; I know he's not talked much about it unless he's had a few too many and let's something slip," Bobby told him. "I just usually stayed quiet and listened to him. He never really had anyone to talk to growing up. Yer daddy was too focused on finding the demon and you were too young."
Tears filled Sam's eyes as he thought back on growing up and just how much of a brat he had been at times, even running away, though it wasn't from Dean, it was from their father and his strict rules and raising them like warriors. He had been told many times he was just like John, but he couldn't see it. All he remembered was butting heads with him all the time when he was older and John's obsession of finding the demon that killed their mother.
He did remember times when Dean was gone for periods of time when he was growing up and he never knew where he went. Their Dad would tell him he was training when Sam asked for Dean. Dean would never talk about it when he came back but he seemed closed off and distant with him. Now that he thought about it, those times were when he ran away or did something stupid, but Dean took the blame for him.
"Bobby, I know growing up was hard on Dean, did he ever talk to you about it" Sam questioned, not sure if he really wanted to know or not. "Were there any…Problems he had?"
Bobby stared at him as his brow creased with the question. "Why do you ask?"
"I never really questioned it when things happened growing up, but now..." Sam said shaking his head like he was trying clear his mind. "There are things I'm remembering that don't make sense now. Dean would go days at a time not talking, withdrawing into himself, shutting me out no matter what I did. And then I saw the scars…"
"Yer brother had to grow up too fast and yer Daddy..." Bobby tried to start, but was cut off by Sam.
"You don't need to sugar coat what happened, I lived it Bobby. I know how he could get if he was drunk or lost his temper. I just never thought about what it did to Dean and how Dad treated him. Yeah, I got whacked a few times or yelled out, but Dean got it worse and he would always stick up for me. He would take the blame," Sam said hanging his head in shame. "Why didn't I see it? The emotional strain Dean was under then…I honestly don't know how he ever survived it."
"You were too young Sam and your brother was trying to protect you."
"He talked to you, didn't he?"
"I can't betray his trust Sam you'll have to ask him if you want to know."
"What if I don't get to," Sam mumbled his leg starting to bounce with nerves and worry. He looked toward the door willing someone to come in and tell him how Dean was doing. His eyes wandered around the room and was glad there was no one else in there. He looked at the clock, noting the time before getting up and walking to the door marked restroom.
The light came on automatically when he stepped in and shut the door behind him. He leaned against it as he worked on getting his emotions under control. Sam could feel his heart pounding in his chest as other incidents flashed in his mind that didn't register back then since he was too young to understand it all. But it seemed not matter what their Dad had done, Dean never resented him or fought back. He still idolized the man and became the good little solider John wanted. The only time Dean ever threatened his father was when he was going to punish Sam for not working out like he told him. Sam had wanted to do his schoolwork first and that was what he did. It didn't help he had stopped at a bar and was drunk when he came back. Dean stood his ground and wouldn't let John near Sam. He remembered Dean telling him to go to the Impala, they were going for a ride.
Sam moved to the sink and turned on the water letting it warm. He wet his hands before squirting soap on them to scrub away the blood coating them. The water ran red until he finally got them clean. He splashed cold water on his face several times before stopping and drying off with a paper towel. There wasn't much he could do about is bloody shirt at the moment since his clothes were in the Impala somewhere in the parking lot outside. Sam ran his fingers through his tousled hair trying to tame it before stepping back out into the room and looking over at Bobby waiting on him.
"I made a fresh pot of coffee if you want a cup," Bobby offered holding up his own cup.
"Thanks," Sam forced out going to the pot and pouring a cup. He added creamer and sugar and grabbed a stirring straw before going back over to sit down.
"Sam, you can't blame yourself for what happened. You know how unpredictable hunts can be and how they can go south in an instance. It happens to the best of us. You gotta quit beating yourself up over this. We have to have faith Dean is strong enough to pull through this."
"We had a fight right before the hunt," Sam mumbled. "I wasn't paying attention because I was so mad at him..."
Bobby laid a fatherly hand on Sam's shoulder and squeezed gently, letting him know he understood. There wasn't going to be anything he said get through to him until he saw Dean and saw he was going to be okay. They waited as the minutes ticked by drinking coffee and Sam started pacing as he kept watching the clock wondering what was taking so long. He couldn't sit still and knew more coffee would only make it worse.
"You're gonna wear a hole in the carpet Sam. Why don't you sit down and try to relax, they'll let us know something as soon as they can," Bobby told him as Sam walked to the door and looked out it again.
"I know Bobby, but if it's taking this long, can't be good. What if…" Sam started but couldn't finish the sentence. He couldn't say what he was thinking out loud for fear it would come true.
Before Bobby could answer, the door was pushed open and a scrub nurse stepped into the room. She stepped to them as Sam and Bobby quickly stood.
"Mr. Yates is still in surgery and he's holding his own. It was touch and go until we found the bleeder and got it under control. He's being given transfusions for the blood loss. They were able to inflate the lung again and he should be out of surgery within the hour. I will let you know when he's in recovery and when you can see him," she explained carefully being sure they understood.
It seemed like part of the burden was lifted off Sam's shoulders as he listened to her talk. Dean was going to be okay and he could see him soon. He couldn't stop his eyes filling with tears of relief and slurred out a thank you before she left.
"I told you he was a tough cookie, all you Winchesters are," Bobby said.
"I'm going to find the vending machines," Sam told him wanting to be alone for a moment. "You want anything?"
"Naw, I'm good son, I'll wait here."
"Alright," Sam nodded pulling the door open and stepping into the hall. He looked up and down it and saw a sign for vending machines pointing down the hall. He walked that way with his hands stuffed in his pockets and his shoulders hunched.
The room was small with two drink machines and a couple of vending machines holding a various assortment of chips, candy, cookies, pastries and crackers. Sam stared into the glass front not really seeing anything until a yellow bag caught his eye. He dug around in his pocket for change and fed the machine before pushing K-5 and watching as the bag fell to the bottom. He leaned down to push the metal door open and pull out the bag of peanut M&Ms. He turned them over in his hand for a moment before dropping them in his jacket pocket and feeding more money to get a pack of crackers for himself. Thinking the sugar in a soda would keep him going, he got a soda and made his way back down the hall to the waiting room.
He pushed the door opened and saw Bobby slouched on the couch with his head down, soft snores coming from him and tried to be quiet as he eased on into the room. He took a seat and slowly twisted off the top of the bottled drink. Sam took a sip letting the coldness coat his mouth and throat with the sweetness. The plastic wrapper crinkled as he tore the crackers opened and he looked over to Bobby to see if it woke him but was happy it didn't. Sam munched on the crackers hearing his stomach grumble about not being fed in a while. He was eating the last cracker when the man dressed in scrubs came in and Sam tapped Bobby's leg to wake him. They stood and waited for him to speak.
"I'm Dr. Stevens, I operated on Mr. Yates. He is in recovery and is stable. We found and stopped the internal bleeding and inflated the collapsed lung. He was lucky no major arteries were damaged and you got him here when you did. Another ten minutes and this might have been a different story. Our biggest concern is infection right now. He's being given intravenous antibiotics as a cautionary step. I had to stitch up several deep lacerations, but there wasn't any further damage from them. He'll be moved to a step down for twenty-four hours so he can be monitored closely and then if he is still doing well, he'll be moved to a room," he told them.
"When can I see him?" Sam asked anxiously.
"Someone will come get you when he's moved to the step down, it shouldn't be too long."
"Thank you," Sam said.
"You're welcome. I will check on him later today. I hope things go well for your brother," he told him, shaking his hand before stepping back out of the room.
"That's good news Sam, you'll be able to see him soon," Bobby assured him putting an arm around his shoulders.
"Yeah," Sam answered, letting out a long breath. He was not going to relax until he could see his brother for himself. "Bobby, I'm going to run outside and get a clean shirt before seeing Dean."
"That's a good idea son, he doesn't need to see you like that," Bobby agreed. He watched him leave and went back inside to wait.
spn
Sam and Bobby followed the nurse down the hall and through double doors that led to the stepdown unit. There were rooms that circled a central nurse's station. She led them to room seven and stopped.
"You need to use the hand sanitizer before going in. He's prone to pick up an infection and that would hinder his recovery. He's going to probably be out of it until later in the morning, so don't be concerned if he doesn't wake up for a while. If you need anything, let me know," she told them before stepping to the nurse's station.
Sam looked at the door separating him from his brother. He pumped the liquid sanitizer into the palm of his hand and rubbed his hands together to clean them. He squared his shoulders before pushing on the door allowing them entrance. The room was dimly lit by recess lighting and the sound of machines running broke the silence.
Sam was slow to move to the bed and look down at his brother. He had IV lines running to his arms and others out from under the sheet that covered him to the waist. He took in the bandages that covered his stomach and chest before raising his eyes to his face. Dean's face was pale, and every freckle stood out across his nose that had an oxygen cannula positioned in his nostrils. He could hear the steady hiss of the oxygen that was being pumped into his brother's lungs. Sam watched Dean's chest rise and fall slightly as he laid a hand on his bare arm. He couldn't help but stare at the thin, almost invisible scars on his upper arms that Dean made sure were always covered. They were too precise and uniform in shape and placement for them to come from hunting. He never understood when they were growing up why Dean never changed in front of him and then later, it didn't matter anymore.
He had only recently saw a few of them and questioned Dean, but never got a real answer from him. His skin felt cool to the touch and Sam looked at the monitor that gave his vitals and studied them to see how he was doing. Sam had seen enough readings to understand them by now. His blood pressure was low and his pulse weak, but steady.
Bobby pulled over a chair for Sam to sit down beside the bed and moved to the other side to take the other one. He watched Sam take in his brother's condition and then turned to the monitor to look at them. Sam finally sat down and let his eyes settle on Dean. He lowered the railing so he could be closer and leaned in to talk to him.
"I'm here bro," Sam whispered gently squeezing his hand so he would know he was there. "Doc says you're going to be okay. I'm going to be right here until you wake up. Bobby's here too. He drove over after I called him." He rubbed Dean's arm and adjusted the sheet over his body before moving to pull up the thin blanket wanting to keep him warm.
Bobby watched as Dean stirred slightly like he knew Sam was there but never opened his eyes to acknowledge him. He didn't like how pale Dean looked and figured it was from the blood loss. He knew he had been given transfusions but also knew it would take a bit for him to start showing improvement. He looked over at Sam and saw the weariness and exhaustion on his face and in his body language. Bobby knew he was going to be crashing now that he was with his brother and watched closely as Sam lay his head beside Dean's arm and closed his eyes letting tears drip from them. It wasn't long before Sam was asleep still holding on to Dean's hand like he was afraid to let him go.
spn
Consciousness started coming back to Dean as he worked hard on sweeping away the mist that clouded his mind. He seemed to hurt all over when he tried to move his body. Something had happened, but his muddled brain wouldn't let him remember what. The air smelled different and there was something in his nose that was bothering him. He rolled his head and swallowed trying to wet his dry mouth and tried to raise an arm, but it was pinned down by something. Dean tried the other and felt a touch stopping him before he got his hand to his face.
"It's okay Dean, you're in the hospital," Bobby told him as he captured his hand and held it. He watched Dean as he grunted and licked his lips to wet them. "Hold on," Bobby said. He picked up a cup and held the straw to Dean's lips so he could sip some water.
Dean felt the straw and quickly grabbed onto to it to suck greedily on the cool water. He moved his hand as he tried to open his eyes enough to see. He could see a dark shape laying down by his arm that began to move as he did. His vision was still blurry when the shape lifted his head to look at him.
"Dee…" Sam slurred trying to shake the sleep from his body. "Hey, it's okay, don't try to move," he cautioned him when he saw him start to shift his body.
"S'my," Dean got out wincing in pain from moving. He finally realized he was in a hospital so that meant he had been hurt bad enough to be brought here.
"Yeah, you got banged up pretty bad and I had to bring you to the hospital," Sam told him. "They had to operate, but doctor said you were stable. You're going to be alright," Sam told him. "Do you need some pain meds to take the edge off?"
Dean got part of what Sam was saying and heard pain meds. He focused on him and nodded yes to the question. Sam pressed the call button for the nurse and told her Dean was awake and to see if he could get something for pain. She was going to check and would be in shortly. He could feel Sam rubbing his arm as sensation started coming back in his body. His nerves tingled and he tried not to groan as he tried to pull in a deeper breath.
"Hello Mr. Yates, good to see you're awake. I'm Kathy, I'll be your nurse for the day." a perky nurse said as she stepped into the room. "The doctor left orders for pain meds if you needed them. I'm going to check your vitals first and will administer the meds." She hit a button on the machine and the blood pressure cuff inflated to check it. She waited and wrote down the results from the screen. She went to his IV and attacked a syringe, squirting the medicine into the line. "That should help with your pain. It's going to make you sleepy so don't fight it, you need the rest. Is there anything else I can get anyone?"
"No, thanks," Sam replied after watching closely everything that she did. He could see Dean already relaxing as he turned back to Sam looking at him with weary eyes. "I'm right here, I won't leave you."
"Y'u 'ky?" Dean slurred trying to see Sam clear enough to check him out.
"Yeah, I'm okay, a few scrapes and bruises."
"We get it?" he questioned saying the words slowly.
"Yes. When it attacked you, I was able to finish the ritual and banished it."
"Good," Dean mumbled, giving his head a slight nod.
"Bobby, why don't you go get a motel room and get some rest?" Sam asked. "I'll be okay here with Dean."
"I can stay if you need me," Bobby replied.
"No, I'm good really. Go get some rest and maybe bring me something back to eat."
"Alright, I can do that. I'll get the room for a couple nights so you can use it too."
"Maybe, but I want to stay with Dean right now," he replied looking at his brother who was already almost asleep again.
"I'll be back later. Call me if anything changes."
"Thanks Bobby," Sam sighed glad he was there.
spn
The room was getting brighter as morning spread across the land. The nurse had been back in to check on Dean and looked at his incisions to be sure no infection had set in. They changed out IV bags and dumped the catch bag for urine. She made sure he was comfortable and asked Sam if he needed anything and he said no he was good. He got up and stretched, stepped into the bathroom to relieve himself and walked down to the vending machines for a bottle of water and crackers. Dean had not awoken since given the pain meds and he was glad. The more he rested, Sam knew the faster he would heal. It didn't get by him how close he came to losing Dean from his injuries.
Sam was dozing in the recliner beside the bed when Dean woke again. He lay there letting his mind catch up with his body and his vision to clear so he could see. It was light outside, but the blinds had been drawn to make it dimmer in his room. He turned his head when he heard soft snores coming from his right and saw Sam asleep in the chair. Dean could tell he was only lightly dozing and hated to wake him, but he needed to use the bathroom. He didn't realize he had a catheter in and didn't need to get up.
"S'my," Dean whispered before clearing his throat and trying again. "Hey dude."
"Wh...?" Sam slurred as he quickly sat up and looked bleary eyed toward the bed.
"Need to pee," Dean said.
"It's okay, they've got a cath in bro, you can't get up yet," Sam said trying to suppress a yawn as he wiped a hand down his face. "How are you feeling?"
"Still hurt, what happened?" Dean asked as he fumbled with the bed controls to raise his head a little so he could see his brother.
"I screwed up Dean, it was all my fault," Sam replied, anguish in his voice as he looked down at his hands that were fiddling with the hem of his shirt.
"No dude; can't blame yourself, 'cause I don't' blame you," Dean insisted. "It's over with and we got the monster, that's what counts." He coughed and groaned as he grabbed his stomach.
"Here, drink something," Sam offered holding the cup for him. "Do I need to have the nurse bring some more pain meds? You should be able to have some more if you need them."
"Not yet, I'm good," he answered adjusting his position enough to stop the pain running across his chest and abdomen. He wanted to have a clear head so he could determine if getting out of here today was an option. "Did I see Bobby here?"
"Yeah, I called him since he was close, and he drove over."
"Good, at least you're not alone."
"Dean, can I ask you something?" Sam questioned once he saw Dean was coherent.
"I guess," Dean replied not sure what Sam wanted.
"When we were growing up…Where there ever times with all the pressure and responsibilities you had on you that…I don't know maybe you felt depressed or it seemed too much for you?" Sam asked trying to not come right out and ask about the emotional toll on him. He wanted to know about the scars but wanted to ease into the question.
Sam saw Dean's body language change completely with the question and didn't know if he was going to answer him. He saw his hand randomly rub at the scars on his left arm, not even knowing he was doing it. His eyes got hard and he began to shut down. What Sam was wanting him to remember was something he had stuffed away and was never going to relive.
"Dean, please, I just want to know…" Sam begged, his voice low and strained.
"Why would you ask?" Dean finally spoke.
"I don't know, things from growing up have started coming back and I realized they didn't add up or make sense to me now that I'm old enough to understand. I was too young to question it back then, but now…."
"There's nothing to talk about," Dean growled turning away from Sam so he wouldn't see the pain in his eyes.
"Yes, there is. There were times you disappeared, and Dad would never tell me where you were, only that you were away. When you came back…Dean you were different, closed off and distant. You would barely talk to me for days, even weeks afterwards. It didn't click back then, but something happened to you didn't it?"
"Drop it Sam!" Dean hissed as his breathing got hard and he panted painfully for air. The machines began to beep faster as his heart rate went up. "Just drop it!"
Before either could say anything else, the door opened, and Bobby stepped into the room. He looked at each brother sensing something had happened from Dean's agitated state and Sam concerned expression. He sat a bag on the table against the wall before speaking.
"Is everything okay boys?" Bobby asked.
"Yeah Bobby, its fine," Sam replied knowing he had to let this drop for now, but he was going to continue it later whether Dean liked it or not. He wanted to know, had to know the truth.
"Dean, good to see you awake, how are you feeling?" Bobby asked moving to the side of the bed where he could see him. He saw Dean was breathing hard and he had broken out in a sweat.
"I've been better," Dean responded as he worked on getting his breathing under control.
A nurse stepped into the room behind Bobby and walked over to the bed. "Are you okay Mr. Yates? We noticed your vitals spiked a minute ago," she questioned going to his side and pressing the button to check his blood pressure.
"I'm fine," Dean told her.
"I got ya some food Sam. Why don't you take it to the waiting room and eat it while it's hot?" Bobby asked, deciding it would be a good idea to separate the two of them. He had a feeling what had happened and knew they both needed to cool off.
"Alright," Sam pouted, getting up and taking the bag before stepping out of the room.
"Okay, do you need more pain meds?" the nurse asked as she jotted down the vitals.
"Yeah, I think I do."
"I'll be right back with them. If you continue to improve, the doctor has an order to move you into a room this afternoon."
"Are you okay Dean?" Bobby asked once Sam and the nurse was gone.
"Did you say anything to him Bobby?" Dean asked looking up accusingly. "About the times I stayed with you or what I told you?"
"No, I would never do that son. I told you what you told me would stay between us and it has. He's smart Dean, he started figuring it out on his own. He asked questions that didn't answer. Maybe it's time you told him the truth?"
"I can't do that; I don't want him treating me differently. All that's in the past; it should stay there."
"You know your brother's not going to let this go."
"He'll get over it," Dean grunted madly. What Sam asked opened a door to memories he had stuffed away and thought he would never see them again. He didn't want to hash them out with his brother since it wouldn't do either of them any good. Dean put on a neutral expression as the nurse came back into the room with another shot for pain.
"Alright, this should help with the pain and they'll be bringing you something to eat shortly." She injected the medicine into his IV line and checked everything before continuing. "You're on a liquid diet to start with, but once we see you can handle the food, they will give you something more substantial."
"Thanks Kathy," Dean replied, closing his eyes as he waited for the meds to kick in. He was glad when he felt the first stage of sleep push into his mind and didn't fight it. He didn't want to be awake when Sam came back since he didn't want to continue the conversation from before.
spn
The waiting room had more people than Sam was comfortable with, so he wandered off to find some other place to eat. He found a garden room and a quiet corner to sit. He pulled out a sandwich and drink from the bag and settled back to eat it. He was angry to be kicked out of Dean's room by Bobby, but he wouldn't have felt good eating in front of him anyway. He knew Dean wasn't tell him the truth but got enough to determine something had happened back then. He was sure with how they were raised and all the burden that had been put on Dean, he could have broken.
Sam let his anger bleed away knowing it wouldn't do any good to stay that way. He was going to have to be smart if he was going to get Dean to talk and tell him the truth. His mind started spinning as he began to work on a plan. He stayed in the garden room for thirty more minutes after finishing his food because it calmed him and let him put things in perceptive. He got up and headed back down the hall, stopping at a restroom first to use it and wash his hands.
He slowly pushed the door open and stepped inside to see Dean relaxed in the bed with his eyes closed. It looked like he was asleep and quietly moved to the chair he had been sitting in. He looked over at Bobby with guilty eyes before he dropped his gaze.
"The nurse gave him some pain meds a little while ago," Bobby told him in a quiet voice.
"That's good," Sam mumbled.
"You know I can sit with him if you want to go get a shower and change of clothes, maybe even get a nap," Bobby offered pulling a key from his pocket. "It's only a block below the hospital so you don't even have to drive if you don't want to, it's the Motel Six."
"I don't know, maybe I should stay with Dean," Sam mused.
"He's going to be sleeping for a while, I'll call you if anything changes. Now go on son, gotta take care of yourself if you're going to take care of yer brother."
"Alright, I guess I do need a shower, and clean clothes," Sam sighed looking down at his dirty jeans. He could see spots of blood on them and wanted to get out of them. "Call me if anything changes."
"I will. The nurse said he will probably be moved to a room sometime this afternoon. If he does, I'll text you the room number."
"Okay, I'll be back later," Sam said accepting the key. He got up and gave Dean another glance before shuffling from the room. He was going to stop by the Impala to get his bag and head down to the motel. It would feel good to get a hot shower and wash away the blood and dirt and grab a few hours of sleep.
The lobby was busy with people coming and going as Sam made his way out the front door and toward the parking lot where he had left the Impala. He opened the trunk and pulled his duffle to him. He opened it and pulled out the dirty clothes on top deciding not to take them with him to the motel. Once he was finished, Sam shouldered the duffle and headed down the sidewalk by the hospital.
The motel was moderate size and Sam walked around to the room looking for room seventeen. He found it at one of the end L's and opened the door to go inside. He dropped his bag on a bed before going to the bathroom and turning on the water. Sam began stripping out of his grungy clothes as the water warmed. He adjusted the temperature before stepping under the spray. He closed his eyes and stood under the water as it wet his hair. The hot water felt good as he let it pound on his neck and shoulders before shampooing his hair. He applied conditioner and then soaped down his body, washing away his brother's blood and the sweat and dirt he had gotten from being thrown around by the poltergeist. He could feel the tension leaving his shoulders and his body relaxing. Sam finished up and grabbed a towel to dry his body before cinching it around his hips and stepping out of the tub. He towel dried his hair and moved back into the main room to dress in sleep clothes.
The bed felt so good as he stretched out and settled into the mattress. Sleep came quickly to Sam, but he couldn't stop the dreams from invading his thoughts. He was a kid again and, in a bedroom, he shared with Dean reading. Loud voices arguing could be heard in the next room, but he couldn't understand what they were saying, or he was ignoring them on purpose, Sam wasn't sure which. It sounded like something fell in the other room and suddenly Dean was throwing the door open before kicking it closed behind him. He wouldn't look at Sam as he threw himself on their bed with his back to him. Sam tried to talk to him, but he shrugged him off, but not before he saw tears on Dean's face. He didn't understand what had happened between Dean and their father and got up to go to the other room. He found John at the small table with a bottle of beer. Sam could hear his younger self asking about Dean, but only got vague answers from John that Dean was just upset about a hunt.
Sam rolled over in his sleep and the scene changed and he was older. He now knew about the supernatural and did most of the research for Dean and their Dad. Dean insisted he was still too young to do any hunts and wouldn't let John bring him. He either stayed in the motel room or the Impala with it locked and warded. This time he was waiting in a motel room for them to come back from a hunt and was confused when just John came back that night alone. He questioned him but didn't get a real answer, only Dean was staying at Pastor Jim's for a while.
He remembered they stayed at the motel for another day so John could rest. They left and drove to Bobby's first. He watched as his younger self caught John talking to Bobby in low voices and they would stop when he came into the room. After nearly a week, John found another hunt and they went to Blue Earth, Minnesota. They picked up Dean and headed for the town where the possible hunt might be. Dean wouldn't talk to him or even look at him as he slumped in the passenger seat staring out the window. John stopped at a motel and got them a room. Dean headed straight for the bathroom and stayed in there a long time before coming out. Sam could tell something had changed with him but didn't know what. He was never told why Dean stayed with Pastor Jim. Another memory came back when he accidently walked in on Dean in the bathroom and saw the bandages wrapped around his upper arms. Dean had screamed at him and shoved him out before he could ask about them.
Everything changed again to a night in a motel room when he told John that he had won a scholarship to Stanford and was going to college. He could see the rage in John's eyes when he told him he didn't want to hunt anymore. Dean had stepped between them and this time he saw the hurt and sorrow in his brother's eyes. He never looked back the first time as he grabbed his bags and left the motel. This time he looked back and saw Dean crumble into John's arms. Sam cried out his brother's name, but the scene dissolved in front of him.
The dream changed again but this time to the recent hunt where Dean was hurt, and Sam moaned softly seeing his brother thrown from the house once again. He was in the in the waiting room with Bobby and they were waiting to find out about Dean, but this time the news was not good. They couldn't save him, and Sam jerk up in the bed with tears streaming down his face as he cried out with his grief. He looked around the room and everything came back to him. He laid back down and let his racing heart slow. He glanced over at the clock to see what time it was and saw he had only been asleep for a little over an hour. Sam didn't know if he was going to be able to sleep after those dreams but decided to try since his body was letting him know he needed it.
spn
Bobby looked up from the magazine he was reading when Sam came back into the room looking more human, but still tired looking. The room they had moved Dean to was on the third floor and a corner room. He got up to let Sam take his seat beside the bed.
"You're looking some better," Bobby commented to him.
"I feel better, how's he doing?" Sam asked looking over at his brother who seemed to be sleeping.
"A little tired from the move, but he did drink his meal with some protest."
"Laying right here," Dean mumbled before opening his eyes partway to look at his brother.
"Hey," Sam greeted him. "Has the doctor been around?"
"No, the nurse said he'd be around in the morning," Dean replied as he moved the bed up a little so he could see his brother better. "Figured I'd talk him into letting me out of this place."
"I don't think so, you just had major surgery so you're not going anywhere for a few days if not longer," Sam stated in no uncertain terms. "For once you're going to do what the doctor says."
"Screw you, you're not the one stuck in this bed," Dean growled angrily.
"You'd fall flat on your face if you even tried to get up Dean. No way you're leaving until you can at least walk. Bobby, help me with this."
"Sam's right son, you need to do what the doctor tells you," Bobby agreed.
"Well, this crap is coming off tomorrow so I can get up," Dean announced fiercely.
"We'll see," Sam replied. "Have they brought your dinner around yet?"
"That's another thing, I want some real food."
"You can want but that doesn't mean you're going to get it. You need to take it easy, so you don't set yourself back instead of moving forward," Sam commented. "Bobby if you want to head back to the room to rest, I'll stay the night with him."
"I think I'll take you up on that," Bobby sighed getting up. "These old bones aren't as young as they used to be. I'll bring some breakfast in the morning."
"That sounds good," he replied handing over the room key.
"You behave son, and do what you're supposed to," Bobby told Dean.
"I'll think about it," Dean said with a pouty face.
Sam watched Bobby leave and looked back over at Dean. He could tell his face had more color today than last night and his eyes seemed more alert and not as drugged and dazed. Maybe this wasn't the time, but the doubt was gnawing at Sam and he had to find out no matter how painful it might be to him. He knew that whatever Dean would tell him would hit him probably twice as bad since he had lived through it. This was a road he didn't want to travel, but in order to move forward he had to.
"Dean, I'm sorry for upsetting you earlier, but I think this is something we need to talk about," Sam said.
"Sammy, I don't really…." Dean started but was interrupted by Sam.
"Let me finish, please Dean, I need to say this," Sam told him. When he saw Dean wasn't going to argue with him, he started speaking again. "I don't know exactly what triggered these memories that I am having of us growing up, but I can see now what I couldn't back then. I didn't know to question more about what was going on with you, so I need to apologize for that. If I had known, I'm not sure what I could have done, but I could have been there for you. I didn't understand the emotional strain you were under back then. I never saw what that life was doing to you. You were so young to be burdened with all that responsibility and I curse Dad for doing it to you. Looking back, I realize how much of a brat I was, but you still took care of me. You were always there for me whether I wanted it or not. You raised me and was more of a father to me than Dad ever was. You were a Mom, big brother, protector, and friend to me. I don't' think I can ever repay you for what you did for me growing up, but Dean, you can't keep this bottled up inside of you. It will eat you alive. I don't know how you lived with this all this time but let me help carry this burden with you." Sam stopped talking and sipped on the water he had brought with him. He glanced sideways at Dean to see he was frowning and seemed deep in thought.
"You don't know what you're asking me to do Sammy. I've locked away those memories a long time ago and I don't think I can dredge them back up. I'm better now, what good is it going to be to reopen old wounds?" Dean asked in a dull, flat voice. He wouldn't look at Sam as he talked so he wouldn't see the haunted look in his eyes. "I don't want you pitying me or feeling sorry for me."
"It'll give you a release of some of the emotional burden you have been carrying around for so long. I'm not going to think any less of you Dean, you were a kid trying to be an adult and taking care of a baby," Sam explained. "You were my hero back then and you still are, even if I don't show it."
Before Dean could say anything else, an orderly came in with a tray for his dinner. He sat it on the table and left. Sam got up to move the table to the bed so Dean could eat. He moved the cover and looked at the unappealing meal. There was broth, apple juice, pudding, and tea.
"Eat up, yum," Sam offered apologetically.
"Screw you," Dean muttered in disgust. He looked at what was supposed to pass as a meal before picking up the tea and drinking some of it. It was weak and tasteless.
Sam sat down and waited as Dean cursed under his breath about the hospital food. He was sure the only reason Dean was drinking his meal was because he was hungry. Hopefully tomorrow he could get something a little substantial. He waited patiently for Dean to finish and got up to move the table back out of the way. Dean was leaning back and burped softly as he let the liquid settle in his stomach.
"I had a couple of dreams when I went back to the motel for a shower and nap," Sam said breaking the silence in the room. "I saw what I didn't then. I know Dad always insisted we shouldn't show our emotions. That we should hold everything inside, but Dean, that's not healthy. Please, let me be the brother I should have been. Talk to me bro, please…" Sam begged not sure if Dean would do it or not. He wasn't sure what else to tell him to make him understand but he couldn't give up.
"It's didn't get bad until I got a little older…" Dean started as he kept his eyes downcast. "I tried to be the good little soldier that Dad wanted, but there were times…I couldn't help it. To make the pain less I would cut myself, but only where it wouldn't be seen. I saw how messed up I was, and I wouldn't let Dad bring you into that life when he wanted to. I didn't want that for you, but then you found Dad's journal that night and learned what we were doing."
"I remember that, Dad wasn't happy about that and he made me start training. He pushed me hard, sometimes too hard, but you saw that and stopped him, didn't you?"
"Yeah, he was a drill sergeant with our training. But he was trying to prepare us for the future and to be able to take care of ourselves."
"You don't have to defend him Dean. I know he was trying but it still wasn't right what he expected of you. He wanted you to take up the slack he left behind, not thinking what it was doing to you. He was so caught up in his own grief and desire for revenge that we were pushed to the side to fend for ourselves."
"He had his own demons to deal with. I can't blame him for what I did." Dean whispered tears filling his eyes. He pursed his lips and turned his head to wipe his face as the tears ran down his cheeks. "I need to get up," he insisted, raising the bed and starting to swing his legs off.
"Oh no you don't!" Sam growled quickly getting up to stop Dean. He pressed a hand into his chest above the bandages and used his body to block him from trying to stand. "Tomorrow I'll ask about you getting all this removed and getting you up to walk around."
"Asshole," Dean grumbled feeling the pull on his incision and stitches and clenching his jaw so he wouldn't let Sam hear him moan.
"Call me whatever you want, it's not going to change anything right now. You need to stay in bed." Sam pulled the sheet back and lowered the bed as Dean leaned back. He covered Dean back up and took his wrist to check his pulse.
"What are you doing?" Dean fussed trying to pull his hand away.
"I'm checking your heartrate," Sam answered.
"You're not a nurse," Dean argued.
"Quit being a jerk."
"You're being a bitch."
"Stop acting so childish," Sam said. "You've got to take care of yourself if you want to get better."
"Fine!" Dean spat at him. He crossed his arms over his chest once Sam let go of his wrist.
"Are you through with the tantrum?" Sam asked treating him like a five-year-old. "You want the television on?"
"I don't care."
Sam picked up the remote and turned the television on and adjusted the volume before flipping through the channels looking for something to watch.
"Wait! Stop go back," Dean insisted.
"Are you still watching this?" Sam sighed when he went back a couple of channels to Dr. Sexy, MD.
"What? I like it," Dean replied settling down to watch the show.
"I'm not letting this go Dean. We'll talk more tomorrow." Sam commented as he flipped up the footrest on the recliner. Dean ignored his remark and focused on the program on the television.
spn
Sam stirred when a nurse came in to check Dean's vitals for the change of shift the next morning. He watched her as Dean pulled himself out of sleep.
"Will the doctor be around this morning?" Sam asked.
"Yes, he should be making his rounds within the next thirty minutes," she replied.
"Good, how's he doing?"
"Vitals are good, and his incision and lacerations look good too. I'd say you're on the mend Mr. Yates."
"Thanks," Dean mumbled, still not completely awake.
Sam went into the bathroom and used it and washed his face before coming back out. He figured Bobby would be here soon with something for him to eat. He noticed Dean had doze back off as he sat back down. It was early so he let him sleep.
Bobby got off the elevator and walked down the hall, rounded the corner to see Sam standing outside of Dean's room fidgeting as he stared intently at the door. He moved a little faster thinking something might have happened to Dean.
"Everything alright Sam?" he asked when he came abreast of him.
"Yeah, the doctor came around and says he's mending nicely. There's no sign of infection and he's been able to keep what food they gave him down, so he's having all that crap taken off him to let him get up and begin moving around. He wants him to stay another four days in the hospital which Dean objected to, but I did get him to agree to two so he could heal a little more and get back to solid foods. It was a battle, but I won out." Sam said proudly.
"You know that means he's not feeling as good as he's trying to show right?" Bobby asked.
Sam frowned for a moment and he mulled it over and realized Bobby was probably right. Dean was putting up a big fuss to leave, but he knew he should stay a while longer and wouldn't admit it.
"I bought you some coffee and breakfast sandwich. Why don't you go somewhere quiet and eat it and I'll keep an eye on yer brother? I don't think he'll be all enthused with you eating in front of him."
"That's true, he might attack me for the food." Sam chuckled accepting the bag. "I'll go down to the garden room, its quiet there. I won't be gone long."
Bobby watched Sam walk down the hall wondering if anything else had been said after he left. He knew this was something that the boys would have to work out between them. And if he knew Sam, he'd get Dean to tell him. He had found out after the fact and was ready to fill John with buckshot for not noticing what Dean was going through, but John left with the boys and it was a long time before he saw them again. By then Dean was older and dealing with things better and it seemed things had changed with John. He didn't know if John finally saw how out of control he was or if something else changed in him. Even so, the damage had been done and there was no changing that for Dean. He looked up when a nurse stepped from the room and smiled at him.
"You can go in now," she told Bobby.
"Thanks," Bobby replied as he walked to the door and pushed it open. He found Dean laying in the bed with the head elevated higher and nothing attached to him now. "Hello son, you're looking better than yesterday."
"Hey Bobby, doc said I could start walking finally. Wanna help me to the bathroom?" Dean asked as he carefully swung his legs from the bed and pushed himself up to stand wavering slightly.
"Take it easy boy, don't' need you hitting the floor," Bobby told him as he grabbed his arm to steady him. He watched Dean shuffle a foot forward and move toward the bathroom. Dean couldn't hide the pinched look on his face since he was feeling all the aches and pains and the pull of the stitches.
"I got it from here," Dean said. He closed the bathroom door and moved to the sink seeing a toothbrush and paste laying there. He turned on the water for a moment to wet the brush before putting the paste on and began to brush his dirty teeth. It felt good to get them clean and to get the nasty taste from his mouth. He cupped a hand of water and rinsed several times before moving to the commode to use it. It took a moment to get things going and he sighed with relief as he emptied his bladder. After washing his hands, Dean opened the door and stepped from the room. He still didn't see Sam and wondered if he had gone back to the motel room.
"Where's Sam?" Dean asked.
"I bought him some food and he didn't want to eat in front of you." Bobby told him as he stepped beside him to the bed.
"Did he think I'd wrestle him for it?"
"Pretty much."
"I want to walk down the hall," Dean stated. "The sooner I get mobile, the sooner I'm leaving this place."
"You better do what your doctor tells you Dean," Bobby replied. "Just down the hall and back to begin with."
Dean let Bobby pull open the door since he didn't know if he could and stepped into the hall. He began to move slowly down it, staying close to the wall in case he needed to use it for support. He was almost to the corner when Sam came strolling around and startled when he saw Dean up and walking.
"You're doing good bro. There's a garden room down at the end of this hall we can walk to." Sam offered.
"Yeah, I can do that," Dean surmised as he looked down the length of the hall.
"Since you seem to be doing better Dean, I'll probably head back home. Do you want me to pay for another night at the motel Sam?" Bobby asked.
"No. You can turn it in and just put my things in the Impala. I'll be staying with Dean here until he's released, and we'll head your way." Sam told him. "I'm not trusting him to stay unless I'm here."
"I'll stop on the way back and pick up some supplies then."
Sam led them through a set of double glass doors in the garden room and found a couch and chair near the middle for them to sit.
"You okay Dean?" Sam asked as he watched him trying to lower himself down to sit without straining his body.
"I'm fine," Dean huffed accepting the pillow Sam moved to put beside him on the couch.
"This is nice," Bobby commented as he looked around at all the plants and flowers filling the room. It had a tranquil, calming feel about it and he could hear the soft sounds of water from a small fountain somewhere nearby.
"Doctor said Dean could get a shower this afternoon if he's up to it." Sam offered.
"I'm sure that'll help." Bobby nodded. "Pretty soon you'll be feeling like your old self again."
"I already insisted on food or I'm not staying." Dean told him. "I'm not drinking another meal."
"I'm sure they'll bring you something better for lunch," Sam said.
"I think yer brother can handle everything now, I'm going to head out. I'll leave your bag in the Impala on my way out, Sam. You take care of yourself son and try to do what the doctor says. Don't go giving yer brother a hard time either."
"Thanks for coming Bobby," Sam said. "I'll call you when we head out."
"Yeah, thanks for coming Bobby," Dean agreed. "You'll be seeing us real soon."
"Goodbye boys," he replied patting Dean on the shoulder and giving Sam a brief hug before heading out.
Once Bobby was gone the brothers sat in silence for a few minutes enjoying the quietness of the room and the peaceful setting.
"Dean, can we finish this?" Sam asked looking over at his brother. "You don't need to try and protect me anymore and you don't need to keep it all bottled up inside of you. You couldn't talk to me back then 'cause I was too young, but you can now."
Dean's eyes darkened with Sam's words because he thought Sam was going to let this be, but he guessed that wasn't going to happen. He fought to control his temper since he didn't want to be like their father and strike out without even thinking.
"Guess you're not going to let this go, are you?" Dean finally huffed out, too tired to fight. If he had not been hurt, it would have been a different story. He closed his eyes as the locked-up emotions and memories came flooding out into his mind almost making him pass out.
"I'm here bro, you can let it out," Sam whispered to him as he moved to sit closer to him. He laid a comforting hand on his arm and felt the warmth of his skin and the tremble that ran through his body. He didn't want Dean to get agitated again but knew it would help for him to talk.
"Dad tried, but sometimes it was too much and well…I couldn't handle it and broke. He kept it from you when I got into a mood and gave me a little space. I tried to hide those raw feelings from both of you. You wanted to know where I disappeared to…Sometimes I thought if I just ended it, I could finally rest," Dean recounted in a low, emotionless voice. "But then I'd picture your face in my mind and knew I couldn't leave you to fend for yourself."
Sam bit his lower lip to keep from cursing himself for not seeing what was happening to Dean then. He fought back the tears seeing how broken his brother seemed the more he talked. He wished he could take all those memories and pain away from him, but he couldn't. All he could do was listen and hope to give some comfort to him.
"After a while, and talking with Bobby and Pastor Jim, I kind of sorted things out and Dad…He even had me see a counselor when we stayed in that shitty house that summer. Plus, you were getting older and able to take care of yourself may have helped too."
"I wish I had been a better brother," Sam whispered, his voice cracking at the end and he couldn't continue until he cleared his throat. "You did so much for me, and I was so ungrateful back then. I never saw what you were going through."
"It's in the past Sammy, now will you let it go?" Dean sighed feeling all his energy drain from him as he slumped slightly.
"Why don't I go find a wheelchair and get you back to your room to rest before lunch?" Sam offered getting up. He squeezed his shoulder but didn't say anything to him knowing it wasn't needed right now. Their gift to communicate silently was all Sam needed.
Dean rubbed his face, wiping the sweat that was beating up on his face. He closed his eyes and let go of most of the memories he had locked away. There were a few that would never see the light of day no matter how persistent Sam was. There were just some things he couldn't allow anyone to know, no matter what. He wiped the tears from his face before Sam got back, not wanting him to see them. He had shown enough emotions for one day and didn't want to give in to it. He was the strong one who handled his feeling better than this. The wall went up as soon as Sam came back with a wheelchair. He had given his brother this much, and that was enough he hoped to satisfy his questions.
"Here we go," Sam said. "Let's get you back to your room and you can rest."
"Thanks bro," Dean replied shifted himself carefully to transfer to the wheelchair. For once he wasn't going to complain about Sam mothering him. "So, are we good Sammy? You now know the horrible secrets I've kept hidden."
"I don't see it that way. I see it as a release of the burden you were carrying and hope that it will let you put it behind you now. I want you to feel you can tell me anything. I'm your brother, I'd do anything for you; hell, I'd die for you. Don't shut me out Dean."
"You're a good brother, and you'd be even a better one if you'd sneak me in a cheeseburger," Dean suggested as Sam pushed him down the hall.
"I'll see what I can do," Sam laughed at his request. He could already tell Dean seemed different in a way only he would probably notice and was glad he had persisted and got him to talk about what happened. Sam knew it had been hard for him to open as much as he did, but still thought there was more. For now, he would settle for what he got and maybe later they could revisit it again.
The End