This story was written by "TheGarnetWhoFlies", NOT by Fusionmix.

All credit goes to brilliant Garnet. Who is epic.

Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer, who can keep it.

"How horrible my life is!" Bella whimpered, wrapping her chiffon scarf around her neck, and adjusting her designer jeans. She slouched out the door, and over to her antique, bright red truck, the insurance for which was her dad's to pay, not her own like with me. "I can't believe it's a whole - um - long time until summer!" she groaned, as she pulled out of the driveway. Rain poured like small, wet kittens from the sky, as was the habit of the stratosphere in Forks, Washington, "Probably the most fertile town in the Northwest," Bella mused, totally not picking up on the awful double entendre.

When Bella pulled up in the school parking lot, where legions of admiring teenage boys stood guard to ensure that she get her favorite parking spot, she sat in the truck that cost her father so much every month, and stared at herself in the mirror. "I'm so UGLY!" she moaned, as all the teenage guys, tongues hanging out, smashed their faces against the windshield, windows, and skylight that her adoring boyfriend had accidentally punched in the roof, and stared with awe at her facial features.

Then they parted, like the Red Sea for Moses! But it wasn't an old man with a couple of written-on-rocks that they parted for! They parted, because EDWARD CULLEN was here! Clad in a hawt leather jacket, and tight jeans, and gelled, messy hair, Edward's pulchritudinous self swaggered to the truck. "Hey, Bella," he said, his ochre eyes and devastatingly gorgeous smile beaming through the mist of the early morning. Even though Bella was in the pits of unbearable despairing melancholia, she looked up, and felt the floods of consuming teenage obsessive infatuation coursing through her digestive system. Suddenly, a hole opened up in the sky, a rip in the very fabric of this fanfic Reality. No one noticed the hole, though, because Edward's incredible beauty was blinding them to all but the angle of his teeth. Even the guys, which is just gay.

Bella regained use of her various pulmonary tracts, and flung herself out of the car, over several seniors, and into a puddle, whereon she landed face first with a colossal splash. "Bella, can you not walk more than three steps without doing a faceplant?" Edward asked, in possibly the most intelligent moment he's ever had. Then he pulled her to her feet! And their lips stuck together like two pieces of opaque Magic Scotch Tape from 3M!

"Oh, EDWARD!" Bella sighed, "You're soooooooo amaaaaaaaaaaazing!!!!! I only wish that I were somewhat worthy of your goooooooooooorgeousness!"

"But Bella," Edward said in his silky, hawt voice, "looks aren't important!"

"R-really?"

"Really, Bella," sighed Edward reproachfully, "your looks have nothing to do with why I love you!"

"Oh?" Bella asked, trying to figure out if that was a compliment.

"Why would they?" Edward asked cheerfully. "After all, you'll be wrinkled and decrepit in fifty years, and I'll still love you just as much!"

"But...but...but..." Bella stammered, staring into Edward's melting tawny eyes, "then why do you love me?!" she screeched, in a particularly shallow moment. "We have absolutely nothing in common!"

"You smell yummy?" Edward offered. "You provide...intellectually stimulating conversation?"

Bella thought about this. "Really? I do?"

"Anyway," continued Edward, quickly changing the subject, "obviously I'm not just attracted to you physically, because you're going to be pretty grotesque looking down the line. Too bad I can't just hurry up and do what is so incredibly apparent I'm going to do before the end of the series. But, nope, biting you is totally out of the question!"

"But that's not fair! I want you to make me one of you! I want to lose my soul, be doomed to remain on earth for all eternity, be a teenager with hormonal issues and a poor sense of proportion forever, eternally repeat my junior year! I want to be continually hunted down by angry bad-guy-vampires, abandon my family, be all moody and pale and hot, and look like I rolled in glitter glue on the rare occasions I see the sunlight! I want to watch my entire generation grow up without me, leaving me isolated, an eternal child - FOREVER! But mostly I want to engage in a premarital affair. So, what do you say?"

But before Edward could answer her eloquent plea, a roaring growl of loudness reverberated through the trees. "BLOOOOOOOOOOOD-SUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKER!" shrieked Jacob, apparently forgetting that there were quite a few students around. "BELLA IS MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MEIN KAMPF MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE!"

"Is not!" Edward snarled.

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Eeny meeny miney mo?"

"You're on!"

"Eeny meeny miney mo, catch a tiger by the toe, if he hollers let him go, my mom told me to pick the very best one and Bella is MINE! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" And then Jacob grabbed Bella and ran away, and Edward was bound by the rules of Eeny Meeny Miney Mo so he couldn't do anything so he went to Italy again and tried to commit suicide by writing 'Volturi R Posrs' in purple spray paint on the Sistine Chapel except they just locked him up and tortured him for a while and Bella had puppies.

The End.

Again, this was NOT WRITTEN BY ME. I posted it here with her full approval.