The Lord of the Changelings and Strange Things.
A Play in Three Acts.
Act I: The Fellowship of the Ring
Scene 1
[The Shire. FRODO, SAM, MERRY and PIPPIN are trudging along on a country road.]
SAM: [sings] "On top of spaghetti,
All covered with cheese,
I lost my poor meatball,
When somebody sneezed.
It rolled off the table,
And on to the floor,
And then my poor meatball,
Rolled out of the door.
It rolled in the garden,
And under a bush,
And then my poor meatball,
Was nothing but mush.
The mush was as tasty
As tasty could be,
And then the next summer,
It grew into a tree.
The tree was all covered,
All covered with moss,
And on it grew meatballs,
And tomato sauce.
So if you eat spaghetti,
All covered with cheese,
Hold on to your meatball,
Whenever you sneeze."
MERRY: Tell me again, Frodo: Where are we going?
FRODO: To Bree, because Gandalf said so. It's got something to do with a secret of mine and whether it is secret and whether it is safe.
SAM: [sticks out tongue at Merry and Pippin] Nanananaaana! In this play only I am supposed to know about it!
PIPPIN: By the way, where's Fatty?
FRODO: Didn't I tell you? He's directing the play, so he's kept himself out of it. He can't be in two places at once!
MERRY: Oh yes he can! Remember my birthday party last year when he was sitting on his own chair and on half of mine as well?
-
Scene 2
[FRODO, SAM, MERRY and PIPPIN are running through dark countryside at night, towards Bucklebury Ferry. A BLACK RIDER is in pursuit of them.]
TOM BOMBADIL: Where's the Old Forest disappeared to?
FATTY JACKSON: Shut up!
FRODO: Hey guys, look, this is cool! You've always said I was the slowest of us, but look, I'm faster than a horse! This Black Rider has been pursuing me for 15 minutes now, and he isn't getting any closer! On the contrary, the distance between us is increasing! And I'm just on foot! Yeah! I'm Tiger-Frodo! Cheetah-Frodo! Guinness-Book-Frodo!
BLACK RIDER: Fatty, that's not fair!
FATTY JACKSON: Shut up!
-
Scene 3
[At the Prancing Pony in Bree.]
PIPPIN: Baggins? Of course I know a Baggins! Frodo Baggins over there. He's my second cousin removed on my mother's side…
FRODO: Pippin, nooooooooo!!! [slips and accidentally gets the ring on his finger, disappears]
TOM BOMBADIL: Nonononostop! Now you're going too far, Fatty! Look, I know I'm just a godlike being shut up in a wood babbling nonsense syllables, and I know I don't care about the ring or the fate of Middle Earth either; and I don't mind if you leave out Old Man Willow or Goldberry or me, and it doesn't matter to me where the hobbits get their swords from – but what the hell happened to that lovely song about the cat and the fiddle and the dish that ran off with the spoon?????!!!!!
FATTY JACKSON: Ok! That's it! I've had enough of your whining! You're out! Merry and Pippin can have your comic relief.
MERRY: Wait a minute!
FATTY JACKSON: … and Gimli!
GIMLI: Everyone discriminates against the vertically challenged!
TOM BOMBADIL: As if I ever had been in in the first place!
-
Scene 4
[Somewhere in the forest between Bree and Weathertop]
MERRY: Sam, could I have something to eat from your backpack?
SAM: No way! Go and get your own food!
PIPPIN: Sam, could I have one of your warm woollen jackets? I'm freezing.
SAM: Nope.
MERRY: At least some new underpants? Please? I haven't changed mine for … how many days? Frodo? When did we start this journey?
PIPPIN: Oh yes, underpants! Sam! Pleeeeeaaaaase!
SAM: Once and for all, no! You could have brought your own packs!
MERRY and PIPPIN: But we didn't know about this journey! No-one told us!
SAM: That's bad luck then.
MERRY: But that's unfair! In the book we would have known! We would have had a chance to pack our pipes and everything!
SAM: [grinning evilly] Well, go complain to Fatty then.
-
Scene 5
[Somewhere in the forest between Weathertop and Rivendell.]
SAM: Strider! You have to do something! Mr Frodo is getting weaker and weaker! That Morgul blade will kill him!
ARAGORN: Let me go and look for some healing herbs, though they might be of little help. We need to get him to Rivendell as soon as possible.
[goes off into the woods to cut some herbs]
ARWEN: [holds a blade to Aragorn's throat] What have we got here? A ranger caught off his guard?
ARAGORN: Arwen! Darling! You nearly gave me a heart attack! What's happened to you???
ARWEN [pouting]: I'm here to rescue Frodo.
ARAGORN: That's men's work! What happened to Glorfindel?
ARWEN: He's at home doing his hair.
ARAGORN: Arrrghhhh! Didn't we agree that you would sit at home and cook my dinner while I go out and do heroic deeds unselfishly and unnoticed by people (save those hearing the songs that are later composed in my honour and to my praise)? Didn't we agree to keep the traditional gender roles intact? I could have married Eowyn otherwise and saved all that hassle bartering with Elrond!
ARWEN: Don't get grumpy with me! Don't you think I'd rather stay by the fire and read the latest Elvamunde Pilchiel novel than get a sore bum on this horse in this cold, not to mention my ruined hairstyle?! Ask Fatty, it's his doing!!!
ARAGORN: Fattyyyyy!!!!!!
FATTY JACKSON: Calm down, man. Look, we don't cater to a Victorian audience. Our audience want to see strong, emancipated women. They want to see a) women, b) sexy women, c) nearly naked women, d) lots of s… kissing and smooching.
ARAGORN: Wait a minute! Are you telling me we have to… kiss???!!! In front of the camera???!!!
ARWEN: You better start practising now, darling. We don't want everyone to know about our personal relationship problems, do we?
ARAGORN: But I have to practise fighting! Anyway, we don't have to kiss till Act Three, or the Appendices even. So there's plenty of time to practise, isn't there, Fatty?
FATTY JACKSON: [dirty grin] I'd start practising now if I were you… [hums and examines his fingernails]
ARAGORN: Wait till Tom Bombadil hears this!
-
Scene 6
[A room in Rivendell. FRODO is lying in bed with a bandage on his shoulder, GANDALF is sitting beside his bed, SAM and FATTY are standing at the door]
SAM: No way! I'm not going to kiss Mr Frodo, and I'm not going to look at him in such a way either! I'm a respectable hobbit!
FATTY JACKSON: [nearly losing his patience] Sam, how often do I have to tell you? The audience wants some gay undercurrents. In fact, a lot of gay undercurrents. Or overcurrents, it doesn't matter. I'm gonna tell Merry and Pippin as well. You see, having possibly gay heroes will pacify our minorities and make the film politically correct. And we bitterly need that. Remember, we could already be charged with racism: all the good guys in this film are white, and all the Orcs and Easterlings and Haradrim and what not have a "swarthy" and dark complexion…
GANDALF: But Sauron is an albino!
[They all stare at him.]
GANDALF: [shrugs] He's got red eyes.
FATTY JACKSON: [rolls eyes] Anyway, Sam, I hope you see the need for this.
GANDALF: Sammy, can we swap roles? Pleeeaaaase?
SAM: [stares at Gandalf even harder]
GANDALF: [to Fatty Jackson] Fatty, can I be a pervy hobbit fancier? Pleeeeaaaaase????
-
Scene 7
[At the gates of Rivendell, THE NINE COMPANIONS are leaving.]
ELROND: Sooooo, there are niiiine companions to go to Morrrrrrdor and cast the ring into the everlaaaaaasting fire. Setteth ye forth now and be ye successful like the … sun? … moon? … stars? … rising?… setting? … in between? … Fatty, I've run out of similes! Erm… [racks his brain] … The dark is rising! Doom is at hand! My heart iseth heavy within me! Fare ye weeeelllll!
THE FELLOWSHIP: Bye, Elrond! And thanks for everything!
LEGOLAS: "Fare thee well, and if for ever, still for ever, fare thee well!" [Aside:] Ha, I've topped him! Illiterate idiot! [smirks]
MERRY: Legolas?
LEGOLAS: Yes, little round-cave-dweller?
MERRY: Er… why do you Elves speak so strangely?
LEGOLAS: Well… Fatty Jackson told us to speak really poetically and old-fashioned. So we, like, found some things in some old prayer books and stuff. I'm never so sure though where exactly to put the "thee"s and "thou"s and "eth"s. So I try to place them, like, more or less evenly in my sentence…eth.
MERRY: Oh!
LEGOLAS: Yes, you thee… er, seeth, we Elves are supposed to be around for thousands of years, with basically nothing to do but develop arts and culture, so we couldn't be expected to learn other people's languages, or keep our own up to date, now, couldeth we?
MERRY: [confused] No, I suppose not.