In Which Idiots Fall in Love and There Are Far Too Many Dwarflings
Authors' Note:
Bob: Hi! I'm Bob!
Dragon: And I am Dragon! Rawr!
Bob: Your 'rawr' is thus far a rather uninspiring thing.
Dragon: I am not a lion! I'm a majestic dragon from a long and glorious line dating back…
Bob: *shouts* You aren't that majestic! Now, this is not to confuse Dragon with that dragon, the one who caused all of the problems.
Dragon: You are right. No one can be as majestic as the great Thorin Oakenshield. *sighs dreamily* Besides, I would've let the Dwarves back in the mountain…and kept them.
Bob: And on that creepy note…
Dragon: You would have done it too, especially if Fili was born yet.
Bob: *blushes* Shut up! Now we must get to the point if we want all of these beautiful people to read our beautiful Fix-it! AU.
Dragon: Kili lives. *sighs dreamily again*
Bob: Yes, yes, we know, Dragon. And so do Fili and Thorin, although Fili is not Thorin's nephew…
Dragon: Wait, what?! He's not Thorin's nephew, but…
Bob: No, Dragon. Remember? Fili is Thorin's niece in this story.
Dragon: Oh and we made half of the characters female, right?!
Bob: Very good! *pets* We have a Fem!Fili, Fem!Bilbo, Fem!Nori, Fem!Ori, and Fem!Gimli!
Dragon: Let's not forget Bombur's beautiful, sweet, and aww-mazing daughter!
Bob: Which one?
Dragon: Shh…spoilers.
Bob: *sighs in annoyance* Have you been watching Doctor Who again?
Dragon: Yes! I am like the amazing River Song! *starts doing air acrobatics*
Bob: Anyway before I'm rudely interrupted by Dragon again…
Dragon: *swoops down in front of Bob* Let's begin the story! *flies away*
Bob: *sighs* Too late. Anyway, enjoy!
The city of Dale has seen Dragon's fire, Orcs, and Goblins, but out of all of these strange and dangerous things that have come to this city, the sight of this group of travelers may have made it to the top of the list. Now let's be clear; there have been many different travelers come to Dale since it was reclaimed: Dwarves, Humans, Elves, and even a Hobbit have come through its gates. This particular group included a mix of the previously mentioned Hobbit, two Dwarves, and, most surprisingly, an Elf. The Elf had mid-length blond hair done up in warrior's braids, a bow slung across his back, and two hunting knives sheathed beneath it. The Dwarves were cousins; the older one had a salt-and-pepper hairstyle with an axe imbedded in his head, and the younger had a cheerful expression with a floppy hat to top of his appearance. The Hobbit is the one with which you are probably most familiar. She, of course, was Bilbo Baggins of Bag End. The Elf rode on a horse and the Dwarves rode on ponies while Master Baggins rode in the wagon behind with almost the entirety of the contents of Bag End. The contents of the wagon include, but are not limited to, her mother's glory box, her father's favorite armchair, the paintings of Bungo and Belladonna, most of her books, the silverware, and, last but not least, her handkerchiefs. The group was happy to see the gates of Dale, knowing that they will get much needed rest at last.
"It will be good to get back. Going on adventures gets old rather quickly when you realize it involves sleeping on the ground."
"Aye," Bofur answered Bilbo. "And it gets even harder the older ye get. Wouldn't ye agree Bifur?"
Bifur merely grunted, the axe in his head preventing more.
Legolas merely shook his head and laughed at the two cousins. "We Elves don't have this problem. Our bodies do not grow infirm with age as mortals do."
"Bloody Elves! Always tryin' to one-up what everybody knows is the greatest race on Middle Earth."
"Bofur," Bilbo admonished. "Legolas was kind enough to lead us through the forest so that we didn't get lost and imprisoned. The least you can do is pretend to be civil."
Bofur grunted his agreement, causing Bifur to chuckle at the chastised look on his face.
As they continued through Dale, Tilda ran out to greet them. Sigrid and Bain followed at a much more sedate pace. Each of them was wearing new, well-made clothes matching their father's new title as King of Dale.
"Mr. Bofur! Mr. Bifur! You're back! I've missed you!"
"She means she's missed your toys. She's not had a new one in six months," Bain commented.
"Well that too, but I really have missed them. Mr. Bofur tells funny stories and Mr. Bifur picks flowers with me. And Mr. Bilbo says that when he gets his garden started that I can help him with it."
"Of course you can, Tilda; every time your da has to come to the mountain and brings you with him."
"Speaking of Da," Sigrid cuts in, "he'll be very disappointed if you can't stay for a bit and see him."
"Of course! And perhaps we could stay for luncheon as well?"
"Of course. Da will be home to eat soon anyway, and you simply must tell us of your adventures."
With that, Sigrid turned and led the party to their new, much larger, yet unassuming home.
As they settled down to eat, Bard requested, "Tell us how you fared on your journey."
Bilbo was the one to answer. "The journey itself was rather uneventful. We didn't end up in Elvish dungeon or captured by spider or Goblins. We made it safely through Mirkwood and stayed at Beorn's for a couple of days. Most of the Goblins in the mountain pass were killed in the Battle of the Five Armies and gave us no trouble there. We spent about a week in Rivendell so that I could recuperate from a rather nasty cold. The only real trouble we met with was actually in the Shire."
"The Shire?" Sigrid exclaimed. "I thought you said it was peaceful there."
"Oh it is. When we got to Bag End, however, it was discovered that I had been declared dead and there was an auction taking place for my things."
"An auction? You mean other people were buying and selling your things? Oh, Mr. Bilbo, that's horrible!" Tilda sympathized.
"Aye, lass, it is," Bofur put in "And not only that, but this loudmouthed, rude Hobbit woman calling herself his cousin had stolen the silverware."
"Yes, unfortunately, Lobelia is my cousin. And the Sackville-Bagginses Have had their eye on Bag End since my parents died. I'm lucky we arrived only about halfway through the auction. I had to buy back most of what had been sold already." At this, Bofur and Bifur smiled, remembering Bilbo's fiery temper and how they found out that Bilbo Baggins was really Magnolia Bilbo Baggins.
~Flashback~
As they rode into the Shire, there were many Hobbits going past them carrying many things that looked familiar. Most only had a few items, but there were some with wheelbarrows full. As they got closer to Bag End, it became apparent where the Hobbits were coming from. There was an auction taking place at Bilbo's home!
She marched right up and demanded to know what was going on. A Hobbit woman asked, rather rudely, "Who are you?"
"You know perfectly well who I am, Lobelia Sackville-Baggins," Bilbo spat back. "And these are mine," she added, taking her spoons from the woman's hands.
All around them, Hobbits were whispering, "Bilbo's back."
The Hobbit running the auction was demanding a form of identification. In response, Bilbo pulled out her contract. Bofur and Bifur were unsure as to how it had survived their thirteen-month journey. The Hobbit looked at it and asked, "Who is this Thorin Oakenshield?"
Bilbo blushed before answering, "My friend."
As they were sending the Hobbits away so Bilbo could look over the damage done, a male Hobbit came up and asked, "Miss Bilbo, whatever happened to your hair?"
Before she could answer, Bofur interrupted. "Miss Bilbo? Ye didna tell us ye were a lass."
"It never came up. I honestly thought you all knew. Fili knows. And in response to your question, Hamfast, a thirteen-month journey to reclaim a kingdom from a dragon isn't exactly the best place to find a comb or pair of scissors."
"Of course. My apologies, Miss Bilbo. Would you like some help in reclaiming your things?"
"Before we do anything, Lass, I think some introductions are in order."
"Shame on you, Bofur! You made me forget my manners! This is Hamfast Gamgee, my gardener. Hamfast, these are two of the Dwarves I travelled with this last year, Bofur and his cousin Bifur."
"A pleasure to meet you both. Now if we could set about putting Bag End back together?"
With that, they went inside. Bilbo was appalled at the state of her home. She got the names of people who had bought things from the auctioneer and went around Hobbiton demanding her things back. Most of them refused to part with their new things for free and charged her outrageous prices, but in the end, Bag End was very much the way Bilbo had left it on that fateful day.
While they were in the Shire, Hamfast and Bifur had become fast friends, with Bifur learning more about plants in a week than most Hobbits do in a lifetime.
One day, Bofur asked Bilbo why she has a male name if she's female.
"Well, when I was born, the midwife told my mother that she would never be able to have any more children. My parents discussed it and decided that they still really wanted to use the name that my father had picked out for a boy, Bilbo. So they ended up naming me Magnolia Bilbo Baggins, but for obvious reasons, I rather hate Magnolia and have always gone by my middle name."
"I think it's quite a nice name, Lass."
"Don't even think about calling me Magnolia. I will kill you."
All too soon, though, it was time for them to leave and return to Erebor. Hamfast was the only one there to see them off, with a promise to keep Lobelia out until Drogo could move in. They mounted up on the brand new ponies they had bought and set off with Bilbo's wagon trailing behind joyfully.
~End Flashback~
Bard's voice brought them back to the present. "What a harrowing experience. I hope you've set your affairs in order?"
"Oh yes. I've left Bag-End to my cousin Drogo. I know he'll keep the Sackville-Bagginses out. I do hope that he marries Primula Brandybuck, Yavanna knows he's had a crush on her since they were fauntlings, and they raise many children there. Bag-End was built to accommodate at least five, you know."
And so, luncheon continued on in this way. Bilbo told the story of their journey to the Shire and back, Bofur "helpfully" added in his opinions, and the occasional comment came from Bard or his children. All too soon, however, it was time for them to continue on to the mountain.
Bard said his goodbyes and was on his way back to work while the children lingered with their visitors a while longer. Bain eventually gravely shook hands with them all. Sigrid gave hugs to Bilbo, Bofur, and Bifur and blushed prettily when Legolas took her hand and kissed it. Tilda's goodbyes were tearful, and she elicited promises that they would all be back soon. Bofur presented her with a set of wonderfully carved figurines. "That's the whole company lass. I'm more'n happy to make ye some more; just let me know when yer da brings ye up to visit us."
"Oh thank you so much, Mr. Bofur! I love them! I'll be sure to let da know I need to go with him next time he has to see King Thorin. Please, please, please come back soon, and maybe bring Fili and Kili with you. I've missed them as well."
"O' course lass. Ye'll see the prince and princess soon enough anyway. Our Durin's Day celebration is in just a couple of weeks, and ye'll see everyone there, if not before." With that, Bofur and the others rode out of Dale and on to Erebor.
Thorin Oakenshield, King Under the Mountain, was pouting. His Hobbit had been gone for far too long. He would say that he was brooding, but in truth he was pouting, and the Lady Dis had threatened to throw him out of his own mountain ten times already that morning. Dwalin had offered his services to aid her in her campaign.
"Lad, ye cannae keep brooding like this. Ye have a kingdom to run. Bilbo and the others will be back soon, and worrying over his safety isn't doing him any good if yer not there."
"I know, Balin, but I can't stop." Thorin looked up from where he was polishing Orcrist. "Besides you and Fili have been doing an excellent job taking up the slack."
"Tha's not the point, Lad! We shouldn't have to take up the slack. Yer still capable of performing yer own duties. Fili should not have to lead our people for many more years."
Before Thorin could answer, a guard ran into the throne room. "My king, they've been sighted! Lord Dwalin is meeting them at the gate."
Thorin wanted to run to greet Bilbo but settled for walking majestically instead. Fili and Kili, however, were not quite as restrained. They ran right up to the front gates and enveloped her in a hug.
"Mr. Boggins! You're back! Now Uncle can stop brooding so much."
"Baggins, Kili. My name is Baggins. What do you mean 'stop brooding'?"
"Just that I was worried for your safety, as well as Bofur and Bifur's, while you were travelling. Nothing more."
"Don't mind him, Bilbo, Kili gets over excited, you know that. It's especially bad because you get to meet Amad tonight at the feast."
"I look forward to it." Bilbo paused a moment. "Fili? Did you say feast?"
"She certainly did. And it's not just Amad you get to meet but Gloin and Bombur's wives and all the Dwarflings."
"How many Dwarflings?"
It was Bofur who answered that. "Well, Gloin and Kilria have Gimli. She the oldest. Then Bombur and Dalnia have Gritria, Calur, Fimtria and Thrbaria, The twins, Bolbur, Dwingrim, and baby Nalondi."
"Oh aye. Mahal has blessed my brother beyond belief."
Kili piped up again. "I can only hope that one day Fili and I will be blessed in the same way."
"You'll be dead by the fourth one, Nadad. Two or three is plenty."
"Yes, Namad," Kili said sheepishly, causing everyone to laugh at the chastised look on his face.
Thorin cleared his throat pointedly. "I'm sure that Bilbo, Bofur, and Bifur are tired. Perhaps we could continue this inside" With that, he turned and walked away, throwing a comment back over his shoulder. "And someone get the Elf a room!"
Everyone quickly followed behind him. Fili and Kili walked so fast to keep up with their uncle, Bilbo had lost track of them before she had reached the main enterance.
The first thing Bilbo heard upon entering the mountain was the patter of little feet before three young dwarflings came running into view. The youngest one launched herself into Bofur's arms with a squeal of delight, trusting him to catch her. The other two contended themselves with running to Bifur to be picked up.
The girl plucked Bofur's hat off of his head and stuck it on hers, giggling as she did so. He smiled gently at her antics and set about introducing them. "Bilbo, I'd like ye ta meet Bolbur and Dwingrim, Bombur's two younger boys," he said nodding to the Dwarflings in Bifur's arms.
"I could tell they're Bombur's. The hair kinda gives it away," Bilbo replied, chuckling.
"Aye," Bofur agreed, "tha' it does. And this little rascal here is Nalondi." With that, he began to tickle her mercilessly
Peals of childish laughter rang out in the echoing halls. "Uncle Bofur, stop it!" she cried out in Khuzdul. "It tickles!"
"Aye, lass. That'll teach ye ta steal me hat."
Bilbo laughed along with Nalondi as they made their way to the living quarters. Several dwarfs came along behind carrying the contents of the wagon.
Bilbo quickly made her way to her room to dig out clothes appropriate for a feast. Bilbo's room were very simple. She had a sitting room, a bathroom, and a bedroom. The stone that up the room was a warm brown color and the rest of the furniture match the color of the stone with different shades of brown and green. Bilbo loved this room because it reminded her of Bag End.
"Perhaps I'll wear something Papa might've worn for the company." She mused to herself. "Yes, that'll do nicely." With that, Bilbo began to dress. She was almost ready when there was a knocking on the door of her chambers.