A/N This is something I felt I needed to write after the episode of 15/07/11. So much was left unsaid. I needed to get into Christian's head...to understand him better and to make me love him again as much as I did before...
I'm actually quite worried about posting this. Have never written anything as fast as this, and I don't know what people's reactions will be... or if I got it right...
Do let me know what you think...

SO MUCH I NEED TO SAY TO YOU

His arms squeeze tightly around me, I feel his face seeking refuge in the crook of my neck, his shivering breath on my skin ... and I close my eyes, feeling relief wash over me.
He came back! I have my Sy back in my arms.
He's home.
It's all I ever wanted.

The feeling of his so familiar body so close to mine nearly makes me cry with gratitude. I feel like I almost can't breathe.
It's strange. It's barely been 24 hours since I last held him, and yet he feels so much frailer than I remember. I feel him tremble in my arms and squeeze him tight.

He's sure. He said he's sure.
And I believe him.
I really do.

I'm catapulted back to the day he finally came home with me. The day he told me that he chose me. That he wanted to be with me. That he was sure. And I could hardly believe it. Not after everything that happened before. Not after him changing his mind every five minutes...
But I saw his eyes and the certainty, the sincerity in them, and I took the plunge, just the way he was taking his. I followed my heart, the same way he was finally following his. I decided to take the chance and believe him, and we haven't looked back since. It was the best decision in my life.
To believe him.
To trust him.

I know in my heart that he wants to be a father. I do.
I've seen his eyes glow when we talked about it. I've seen him crumble at the thought that our chances might be slim. I've seen how he is with Amy, how his whole face lights up when he's holding Kamil...
He's going to be a brilliant father. I keep telling him that. Why doesn't he believe me?

He's just scared. Scared of himself, scared that he's not good enough... scared of his wretched mother's bigoted opinions... It's the same thing over and over again, and while my heart bleeds for him, sometimes I just want to shake him...
He needs me to push him onward. I've always had to do this. Force him into a decision, make him see what he wants. Because I know what he wants.
I do, don't I?
But have I pushed him too hard this time...?

I piled expectations on him that were too much, too soon, too high...
I should have slowed down, I should have listened.
I should have known that he needed more time.
Yes, alright... maybe he should have told me sooner, but I just should have known.
I should have known...

When did I stop being able to read him?
I know when.
When I stopped looking.
When I started to take him for granted.
When I started to take his love for granted.

I feel the guilt tugging sharply at my heart.

He deserves better. My darling deserves so much better than to be taken for granted. I promised him that I never would...
And what did I do?
I forced his hand, pushed him into a corner.
I didn't trust him to make the right decision, so I made it for him.
What on earth gives me that right?

All at once it strikes me. Like a blow to my face.
What have I done?

I gambled, I gambled recklessly, and I did so knowing full well that the stakes were so incredibly high. I gambled with his feelings, and with my own... I stood to lose so much, and still... I nearly gambled it away, with not a second thought. I could have lost him, for real, and it would have been nothing but my own stupid fault.
Suddenly, the thought of that makes me feel almost physically sick.

What if he hadn't come back?
What if he had believed me when I said I was going to go on without him if I had to?
What if he had believed that my wish to become a parent was stronger than my love for him?

I threw all that in his face, even if it wasn't true. I was so angry – and when I get angry my impulses take over. I say the words that pop up in my head without thinking. And then I couldn't take it back. I wanted to kick myself when I saw the hurt in his eyes, as if I'd hit him in the face - and I wanted nothing more than rush up to him, wrap him in my arms and tell him I didn't mean it... But I didn't listen to my heart this time. Instead I chose to remain angry and stubborn. I closed my eyes for his pain, and I gambled.

And I nearly lost...

But I didn't.
Still, I feel no gratification from the knowledge that I gambled right...
Now that the clouds have cleared, and I can see what I've done.

I've treated him appallingly, I see that now.
And I should have seen it sooner.
After everything he gave up for me, after everything we've been through, I should have trusted him more.
I should have believed in him more. It's the least he deserves.
He told me once that I was the first one who ever really believed in him. More than he believed in himself. It broke my heart to hear him say that, and I vowed I would never let him down.

I feel like a fool.

My head is still a myriad of thoughts, my face still buried in the crook of his neck, when I feel him stir in my arms.
"Christian?" he says – he sounds weary "Are you okay?"
I realize we've been standing here in the doorway for minutes, me holding on to him tightly, as if for dear life. Poor Sy, the way I squeeze him in my arms, he must be out of breath... I relax my hold, pull back a bit, and smile at him gently. The look on his beautiful, but oh so serious face, takes my breath away. I hope that the love I feel for him is written on my face, just like his love for me is etched in his features.

"I'm fine" My voice is quivering, even I can hear it.
I look into his gorgeous eyes and swallow hard.

"Sy... I'm so sorry" I say.

He shakes his head as if he wants to dismiss my apology, as if it doesn't matter.
But then, out of nowhere, his eyes well up, and I can see how he struggles to keep the emotions at bay.
I softly caress his cheek, and take his hand in mine.

"Come..." I say "Let's go inside. We need to talk. Really talk..."
"I'd like that" he says, and squeezes my hand.

"And I promise I will listen" I vow.
He smiles a little.
"I'd like that a lot"

0+0+0+0
One more chapter to follow hopefully - but need to get my head round it first... so you may have to be patient for a bit...
Thanks for reviewing.