Disclaimer: I own nothing. I do not own Deadpool, or General Hospital. This is for amusement purposes only, not for anything else.
Summary: In which Jason gets a headache, Diego gets headless, and Georgie wins a date!
Inspiration: It's Deadpool! I mean, how could I not do a one shot with this guy? I mean, he is just too funny and the complete opposite of Jason, that I couldn't help but put these to in a room together. Also I looked up some Deadpool quotes to help keep his character in character, so hopefully I did that. This is also borderline on crack here folks, so if you are looking for something deep and meaningful then this is not for you. Bascially, I found someone crazier than crAZy Zacharra to throw into General Hospital. Enjoy the fireworks.
You Talk Too Much
By ThroughtheMirrorDarkly
"Zippty do dah, zippty-ay, I'm gonna blow all you dirt bags away. Plenty of bullets I'm gonna spray, Zippty do dah, zippty-ay," the man in the black and red mask sang because he was bored. He was bored. He was bored out of his mind. He was bored out of his brain. He was so bored that he was beginning to understand the meaning of bored to death on a whole new level. In front of him, stood several men with puny guns. Seriously, why only hand guns? Machine guns were so much more fun!
"Who are you?" Jason Morgan, the ice cold mob enforcer of legends, asked, his voice flat. This man had been a nuisance to the organization, and had been blowing up one shipment after another. Finally, they had caught him at the loss of some good men.
"Who am I? I didn't introduce myself? Where are my manners? Call me Deadpool. It rhymes with 'no school', 'too cool', 'ain't no fool', and 'I'm the best at I do…ool.'" Deadpool said, sitting as languid as he could for being tied up to a chair in the middle of deserted warehouse. "Do you have any Chimichangas lying around? I find myself a bit hungry."
Jason sighed, fighting the urge to roll his eyes. "Start talking," he demanded, harshly.
"Start talking? I thought I already was. So okay, I look up, and who is standing over me but Captain America? So he throws his shield at me and I duck and it hit's a tank of viral diarrechic-ow! Was that necessary? I was just about to get to the good part," Deadpool glared up at Jason Morgan, though no on could see it through the red and black mask. "What was that not what you wanted? Oh, did you want peotry? I can do poetry," Deadpool said, then sat a little straighter as he cleared his throat. "My haiku, I hate broccoli, it is disgusting, why can't it be meat?"
"Is this guy for real?" Max looked at Jason.
Jason just stared stonily down at the man. He had never met anyone so…so irritating. That was including Carly, and Sam in that category. He pinched his brow, and heaved a deep sigh. In his other hand, his fingers tightened around his gun. He was half tempted to shoot this man and be done with it. However, they needed answers.
"Ah, s'matter buddy? You look a little…what's the word I'm looking for here…stupid?" Deadpool said, in an all too innocent tone.
"Just shut up!" Jason snapped.
"You told me to start talking, now you want me to shut up? Make up your mind, man!" Deadpool said, his voice filled with mock aggravation. "You're worse than a pregnant women with your mood swings!"
"Dick, go get the tools," Jason ordered. It was clear that this man wasn't going to talk without some initiative.
"Hahahaha!"
Everyone looked at the masked man.
"His name is Dick," Deadpool laughed as if it should be obvious. "That's funny."
Milo made a noise in the back of his throat, trying to suppress the laughter that bubbled up inside of him. One cold look from Jason, and he swallowed it down.
Jason pinched the bridge of his nose again. "Just go," he gestured towards the door. Dick, who face was flushed, hurried away while Deadpool continued to laugh hysterically.
After many moments, Deadpool finally caught his breath. "Whooo….hooo…ah. This is the most fun I've had in a while. Explosions, mobsters," he sniffed like he was crying, "it's enough to make a merc feel right at home."
Jason expression pinched. "Who are you working for?" He crossed his arms over his chest.
"Work for? Work for? Me, myself and I! Who else?" Deadpool blinked, and cocked his head to the side. He seemed rather thoughtful. "You know…I've seen you from somewhere before. I mean, besides the times I tried to kill you with funny bombs and firey explosions. I seen you…ah, yeah, down at the docks with that tiny hottie nurse! Nurse Webber, yes, I recall seeing her with you! Meow!" Deadpool purred, with an over exaggerated wiggle of his eyebrows that couldn't be mistaken even with the mask on. "That is one hot MILF!"
"Milf?" Jason's face scrunched up.
"Mhmm. MILF. Mother I Would Like to Fu-" Before Deadpool could even finish the sentence, Jason punched him across the face with more force than necessary when he realized what the mask man meant. "Oh…ow. No, wait. I can't do that to a nice lady like her. I mean, do you have any idea how many STD's I could have? Besides, I think I have a cousin with that name. That would just be awkward."
Jason's eyes twitch. "Do you ever shut up?" He demanded, icily.
"Nope, not even in my sleep!" Deadpool replied, cheerfully.
Jason gritted his teeth so hard that he swore the entire room could hear his frustration. "Do you think this is a game? You got on wrong side of Sonny Corinthos. Only a man with a death wish would…" He trailed off with Deadpool snorted with barely contained laughter.
"What are you laughing at now?" Max demanded.
"How you all act like I should be afraid of Sonny Corinthos! That's being afraid of kid dressed as a ghost with a white sheet during Halloween, it's laughable!" Deadpool said, his voice a high pitched whine as he held his laughter in as much as he could.
"How dare you?" Max looked livid. He was fiercely loyal to Sonny. "Our boss is the toughest-"
"Oh, please! Sonny Corinthos? Tough?" Deadpool hysterically giggled like that was the funniest thing he had ever heard in his entire life. "I've seen tougher KEN dolls than that man! An' I mean take yer pick here-mod-hair Ken, disco Ken, summer fun Ken, I let Barbie whip me 'cos I'm a wuss Ken! The man has more weaknesses than the Titanic, and more emotional issues than Carrie after the pig's blood was dropped on her head! How anyone let such a man run an organization is beyond me! I would run it better and I know how clinically insane I am!"
Jason said nothing for a long moment because while he didn't understand the references, he knew that Sonny wasn't the man he used to me. That he was chaotic, and spiraling downward. He threatened to bring them all down on a whim, and now with Elizabeth and her boys in his life…Jason knew things needed to change.
"You know what the best thing about talking is?" Deadpool said, his voice losing all trace of amusement. His voice was low and serious, his posture slowly easing into something very more lethal. "Is that it makes a good distraction."
"What?" Jason got out a split second before he was down on the ground, and grasping at him stomach.
Deadpool was on his feet, and he rushed Max and Milo. The brothers pulled out their guns, but it was too little too late. Deadpool grabbed Milo's wrist, and turned his gun towards Max. He pulled the trigger, and Max dropped the ground clutching his leg. "That just hit the main artery in his leg," Deadpool grunted, as Milo struggled to break free from his hold. "He has ten minutes to live if untreated. So you get to save your brother, or you get to chase me. Which chasing me is fun, but I don't swing that way."
Deadpool released Milo, and the Italian rushed to his brother's side. He twirled the gun in his hands, and noted it was actually quite nice for an enforcer. "Swee-ow," he broke off, and reached up to the bullet hole in his neck. The wound instantly stitched itself back together, and he sighed, turning toward Jason Morgan. "Ohh, now I get why the little computer boy calls you stone cold. It's an impressive glare, but it really falls flat when you're up against something YOU CAN'T KILL!"
Deadpool raised his gun, and they both fired. The only difference was that Deadpool was still standing after it all. There were several bullet holes down the front of his chest. He looked down at his costume, and sighed. "Do you know how hard this is to mend?" He demanded of Jason, who laid on the floor in pain.
"Ah, if that hit you in the shoulder, I am so sorry," Deadpool said, waving his gun around aimlessly while Jason clutched his wounded shoulder tightly. "I was aiming for your crouch!"
Jason glared, as blood oozed through his fingers. He made to stand up, but Deadpool walked over, pressing his foot down right on the wound. "Ah, ah, no. Stay down. Make this easier for a merc would you cuz I kinda of don't want to kill you," Deadpool held up his hands in mock surrender. "I think that you and I could get along really well. I mean, think about it? This could be the start of a beautiful friendship!"
A loud noise of a door opening came from behind him, and he heard the rush of footsteps. Deadpool sighed, heavily. "I just can't stop running, can I?"
Georgie had been innocently walking home when it all happened. She had went to step down some stairs, when a cord was wrapped around her neck. She fought, and tried to scream. It was no use. As the blackness started to seep in, tears rolled down her cheeks because she thought it was the end then…
"Dude, that is no way to treat a lady!"
Suddenly the cord slipped from around her neck, and she gasped, nearly collapsing to her knees. She stumbled around, her moments jerky and without coordination. Georgie found herself staring down at Diego's decapitated head, and let out a mute scream. She stumbled backwards only to nearly run into a man with dressed in some weird costume.
"Did someone say, Chimichanga? Nevermind," he shook his head slightly as he stood up on his feet. "That was just the sound of my skull and brains healing."
Georgie stared at him in utter shock, and stared down at Diego's headless body. She felt a bit faint, and vaguely like she was going to throw up. Not that she wasn't grateful for not being strangled, but seeing a person who thought was dead's head being cut off wasn't exactly kosher.
"Whoa!" Deadpool finally took a moment look over the brunette and needlessly to say he liked very much what he saw. "Damn, you are smexy! What do they call you?"
Georgie's mouth opened and closed for several moments. "Well, my name is Georgina, but they call me Georgie," she said, her voice slightly mechanical. She couldn't believe what was going on right in this moment. Her ex had came back from the dead, tried to kill her only some crazy guy in a mask with a katana showed up and killed Diego before he could finish strangling her. Georgie wasn't sure what she should feel in this moment, the only thing she was feel right in this second was completely numb.
"Georgie, eh? I like it! The name's Wade," he introduced himself, with an over extravagant bow. "I'm just your friendly neighborhood merc with a mouth!"
"Merc with a-hey!" Georgie nearly shouted as Wade, as he called himself, pulled her into his arms like they were about to start dancing in the street with a dead body at their feet.
"Come," Wade said, his tone smoldering. He pulled her tight up against his chest, and leaned down until his face was just a heartbeat away from hers. "Let us dance like the children of the night."
"Dance like…" Georgie swallowed thickly when she felt something below his waist prodding at her stomach. "I…I…Is that a gun in your pants?" Georgie asked, her voice strangled. How did she manage to get into the situations? What could she have done so bad in a past life that warranted this in this one?
"Yeah. That is a gun in my pants, but that doesn't mean I'm not happy to see you…" Deadpool said, with a salacious tone in his voice.
Georgie let out a slightly hysterical laugh.
"Uh-oh!" Deadpool saw the mobsters come racing around the corner. He pulled Georgie into the alleyway out of sight, before he wrapped his arms around her and bent his head, pressing his mouth against hers. It was weird sensation with a mask on, but Georgie found that it wasn't entirely unpleasant. He pulled back leaving Georgie standing there, mouth agape. "Mobsters on the loose, not so happy with me. So…would you mind if we postpone this little date of ours? I gotta take care of a few things first."
"O-okay?" Georgie blinked.
"Cool! I'll call you!" Deadpool then ran out of the alleyway, and gunfire broke the silence of the night. "Ah! Ah! Ah!" Deadpool shouted as he ran through the bullet fire. "I need help! And a pony!"
Georgie just stood there, with her hands over her ears and watched as the mobsters rushed by. Someone mentioned about a clean up, and Diego's body. As soon as the noise died down and there wasn't a person in sight, Georgie shakily walked out of her hiding spot. Her heart was hammering in her chest as her mind tried to sort out what just happened. In a matter of minutes, she had been nearly murdered, saved by a madman, kissed by a madman, and said madman was run off by the mob.
Georgie stared out a the empty street. "I am going to Jake's and get so drunk that I will never remember any of this," she decided, and started the long walk to the bar.
TWO DAYS LATER
Jason sat at Elizabeth's studio, waiting for her to be done with her phone call so they could cuddle up on the couch together. He would never regret the night he spent with Liz, and how they had Jake, and how they came together after that. It had taken them so long to get it right, but being with her was better than all the dreams he ever had. He watched Elizabeth walk around, with an awkward little smile on her face as she once again tried to end the conversation. "Yes. I'll let Audrey know," she said, her voice never losing patience. "Mhmm. Alright…bye. Uh-uh, yes, I promise to make chimichangas next time you come over. Bye."
She hung up the phone before she laughed all the way over to his side. "Finally," she breathed out, nestling into his side.
Jason slowly drew the blanket up over them. "So…who was that exactly?"
"Oh, nothing to be concerned about. It was just my cousin Wade."
END OF CHAPTERS!
Again, I have to use a disclaimer because I did use Deadpool quotes a lot in this to keep him characters, so I don't own. 'Kay?
Hope you all had a laugh. Don't judge me too harshly, I wrote this at like midnight. I blame the insomnia for the creations of this.
RRS are appreciated.