TANZEN SIE MIT TOD
(Otherwise entitled, "Fremdeliebe's Dance With Death")

AUTHOR'S NOTES: The following story is a "first-furson" one-shot for the Great Mouse Detective (GMD) fandom, told from the perspective of my fanfic character Dr. Heinrich Fremdeliebe (i.e., the villainous mouse version of Dr. Strangelove). The fanfic takes place during the fall of 1897, a little while after the events of my unofficial GMD sequel "A New Beginning" start occurring, when poor Dr. Fremdeliebe has recently faced rejection, the loss of many of his inventions in a tragic lab fire, & paralysis from the waist down. Now, he is feeling so despondent that he wants to end his life. Will he go through with it, or will his suicide attempts lead him down another path altogether? That, dear readers, is for you to find out...

Before you read the story, do understand that this fanfic deals with some ideologically-sensitive material (i.e., suicidal themes), & if you don't like reading about that stuff, I suggest you not scroll any further. However, at the same time, please realize that I do not advocate suicide or condone it in any manner, & that the thoughts or feelings of the characters in the story do not necessarily reflect the thoughts or feelings of the author.

And now, for a brief copyright-&-disclaimer:
All "Great Mouse Detective" elements & properties are © Disney.
All "Dr. Strangelove" elements & properties are © Stanley Kubrick & Columbia Pictures.
Dr. Heinrich Fremdeliebe & all other original characters are © The Mouse Avenger (that's me). I would greatly appreciate it if you asked for my permission before using them in your stories or RPGs. Thank you very much in advance.

I do hope you enjoy the story, & when you're finished reading, feel free to leave a review. I'll take anything from simple comments to constructive criticism, as long as they're not flames or written in a harsh, stern, or overly-mean manner.

Everything was becoming a haze now. My vision was getting blurry with each second that lapsed, as I slipped further & further out of bodily consciousness. I could feel myself getting incredibly drowsy; perhaps the numerous hours of sleepless insomnia during the last fortnight were finally taking their toll on me, or it might have also been due to my lack of energy as a result of my lengthy periods of fasting, which had become quite frequent as of late. Little by little, day by day, I was wasting away, but I couldn't find the heart to seek the nutrients & rest that my body craved so desperately. I had no desire to replenish my being any longer, not after the tragedies that had just brought my life to complete ruin; I was in such a state of depression that, at this point, my existence was utterly meaningless to me now. I honestly felt I couldn't spend another moment in this world of shattered dreams, of pain, of sorrow & anguish; I sought greener pastures in a brighter land, where all was good, & "tragedy" was just a nasty idea, instead of a terrifying reality.

Oh, dear Gott, let me dwindle into nothingness! I begged within the dark confines of my mind. Let me leave this cruel world to seek eternal happiness with You! Please...let me have a glimpse of Heaven before I go...I want to see what it's like up there, in that utopia nestled safely in the soft white clouds...Will You show me, dear Gott? Will You grant that small favor for this poor, heartbroken mouse?

My vision became even more blurred than it was before, as cold, salty tears poured from my eyes & rolled down my cheeks like fresh spring rain. I drowned almost literally in the misery that consumed me; I tried vainly to compose myself, however, when one of my hired maids, Danielle, laid a plate of food on the surface of my work-desk.

"Heinrich," I could hear Danielle urging me in that soft, gentle voice of hers, "please eat this. You really need the energy."

I gazed at my dinner for a second or two, then brushed it away with my paw, averting my gaze from the dish. "Take it away from me," I pleaded, unable to keep myself from crying. "I don't want it."

"But, Heinrich," Danielle blurted, but I was in no mood for her excuses. "DID YOU HEAR ME, WOMAN?!?!?! I said, I DON'T WANT TO EAT!!!" In a fit of anger, I took the plate &, not knowing how much strength there still was inside of me, hurled it with enough force to send it flying into the brick wall of my laboratory; it shattered upon impact. "GET OUT!!!" I screeched at Danielle. My maid scurried out immediately, & as soon as I watched her leave, I collapsed back down into my wheelchair, clutching my forehead in agony; a nauseating headache had swept over me, & the pain it inflicted upon my poor head was intensified by the weakness of my emaciated body.

After a few moments, the migraine disappeared, but the pain was still throbbing inside, pulsing through my every cell with a most unbearable sensation; to me, it felt like burning—as though I were on fire. I started to feel hot, & I furiously began loosening my necktie, unfastening my jacket & shirt-sleeves down to the very last button, & when I felt a rush of cool air blow upon me, I sighed & closed my eyes as I was blessed with this sweet relief. The pain was gone, & now, I was feeling much better—but only for a moment.

Soon, the earlier feelings of suicidal despondency & hopelessness returned to me, & I looked down at the black necktie resting in the palm of my paw. There it was, laid out before me—the hangmouse's noose. My ticket to the place where all the tragedies in my life would end & everything would be bright again! Yes, nothing to worry about...no need to fret or despair...no rejection, no pain, no paralysis...Just sweet, wonderful blessings.

I took the tie & fastened the loop around my neck, as I usually did when I put it on, but a bit tighter than what most mice would consider comfortable. My fingers grasped the other end of the tie & began pulling, pulling, desperately, until the loop became tighter & tighter around my throat. I could feel the oxygen escaping my lungs, depriving my body of its most vital element. There was a feeling of incredible stiffness, as though there were a strong pair of imaginary hands grasping at my neck, cutting off the air I needed to survive. Then, after that, came a more pleasant feeling...It felt calming, soothing...almost arousing.

I could feel a warm, tender wave of euphoria rush over me, followed by a gentle caress upon my flesh...Was it a woman's fingers I felt brushing against my skin, sifting through the silky gray strands of my fur? A pair of comforting arms were wrapping around me, bringing me into a sweet embrace that I didn't want to break away from. I felt a pair of soft lips pressing against me, gracing each place they kissed with a slight tingle...that felt really wonderful. The pleasant sensations spread all throughout my body, ridding it of all the pain it had undergone before. The sweet presence of that invisible woman, that Angel Of Death, surrounded me, begging me to surrender to the intoxicating emotions that were blazing inside of me... "Heinrich," I heard a sultry voice whisper to me, "relax...Give into the ecstasy that rages within you...Let it overtake you...Let your body succumb to absolute pleasure..." A cold shiver ran up & down my spine as the Angel's touch weakened my defenses even more—I was her prisoner now. I was under her spell, & I had to give into her desires...I had to let her take me.

"Heinrich..." the voice called out to me again. "Come to me...I want you...I want you to be with me..."

I smiled as I settled comfortably in my sweet Angel's embrace & whispered back to her, "I am yours, mein dame..."

"Close your eyes..." the Angel commanded in her hushed tone, gently placing a finger on each of my eyelids to shut them. I began to relax as the Angel slid her arms around me even more, drawing me closer to her as her fingers & lips continued to soothe my once-troubled soul with their beautiful, divine caress. I sighed gently as I finally started to feel at peace...but then, I suddenly stopped & gasped when I saw pitch-blackness flooding my vision, filling my world with shadows! I snapped out of my earlier trance as my hands furiously pulled at the knot in my necktie loop, trying desperately to undo it so that I could save myself from the Angel's dark spell...& before I was able to stop myself, my paws had freed the necktie from around my throat, & by an unwanted act of instinct, I was breathing again, gasping for air as I reluctantly made my return to life...to the world of pain & sorrow I had hoped to leave.

Still panting, I collapsed down onto my desk, slumping against the wooden surface as I heaved for breath, trying to replenish my body with all of the oxygen that'd left me in the terrifying moments before. When I had managed to calm down & regain my bearings, I was startled to hear one of my other maid-servants, a young girl named Amy, rushing into the laboratory, her footsteps echoing throughout the spacious chamber. "Dr. Fremdeliebe," Amy asked worriedly as she scooped me up into her arms & cradled me, "are you all right?"

"I'm fine, Amy," I lied, hoping she wouldn't figure out what I had been up to. "I just...I just...had a bit of a scare. It's nothing to worry about."

"You look awfully nervous," Amy said to me, helping me sit back down in my wheelchair & proceeding to wheel me inside my living quarters, into the elevator that would take us up to the second floor. "But don't worry; I'm sure a nice, hot bath will do wonders for you!"

"Heh-heh, yes," I said with a sheepish smile & a frazzled look in my eyes. "I think you're quite right, Amy."

Amy didn't have much trouble helping me get undressed, & as soon as I had been disrobed, she took my sunglasses & placed them on the table beneath my washroom mirror, before gently, carefully helping me into the tub, filled with soothing, hot water & plenty of bubbles. I rested my head on the bath pillow that had been provided for me, then closed my eyes & tried to relax as Amy took a bar of scented soap & began to rub it over my fur, smoothing out the lather with calming strokes of a washcloth. The soft glow of burning candles provided dim light for Amy to see by, not to mention it was very relieving to my sensitive eyesight (unlike the harsh brightness of the electric or fluorescent lights that every other mouse house had these days). On the small phonograph I kept on my washroom table, the strains of "Lacrimosa" from Mozart's "Requiem" could be heard as they flowed from the vinyl record that spun around on the turntable, filling the chamber with the sounds of that melancholy melody, provided by the sweeping orchestra & the mournful chorus of singers' voices.

Lacrimosa...Lachrymose...That was certainly how I was feeling now, as I lay in the bathtub. Neither the warmth of the water, the bubbles, the glow of the candlelight, nor the gentle touch of Amy's hands could soothe me. I was truly miserable, & nothing could do anything to fix that. What was the point of waiting vainly for good things to happen to me, when all I had been receiving these past few weeks were anything but blessings? Why go on with this life any further? It was better to put myself out of my misery than face the painful realities of my existence again & again, without any end...

"Just relax, Dr. Fremdeliebe," Amy told me as she combed her fingers through the curly locks of my brown hair, massaging my scalp as she applied a pawful of shampoo to it. "Relax..."

The Angel's voice was calling out to me again. "Heinrich," she pleaded, "Heinrich, where have you been? Come back to me!"

I moaned gently, recalling the sweet sensations that the Angel had brought upon me before that terrible feeling of overwhelming darkness. Amy continued rubbing the shampoo into my hair, thinking that I was beginning to relax now, that her touch was calming me. But it wasn't Amy—it was the Angel, beckoning to me, begging me to run back into her embrace...

"Mein Engel!" I suddenly cried out, reaching out a feeble, shaking right hand to that invisible presence, as if to signal for her to stop & turn around to see that I was here for her to take, that I had come back to her. "Wartezeit für mich! Wait for me!"

Amy shushed me, however, & continued washing my hair, before finishing up & rinsing the shampoo out of the freshly-cleaned curls. "I'm going to get you a towel," she said, getting up to her feet & walking out of the washroom. "Stay right there, Doctor."

As if I had any other choice, I thought glumly. I closed my eyes & reared my head back in defeat, letting myself surrender to the warmth of the bath water as I tried vainly to relax again. Soon, I felt that wave of euphoria come over me, like the ocean brushing against the sandy shoreline of a beach. I imagined I was on that very beach, lying in the golden glow of the shining sun as its rays warmed my fur & brought a healthy radiance to my figure. I could hear the waves crashing at my bare feet, as flying seagulls cried out in the blue skies. Everything was peaceful & calm...It was as though I had already entered Heaven.

"Heinrich..." That voice! That beautiful voice! "I see you..."

A smile formed upon my face as I saw the Angel appear before me. "I see you, too, mein süßer Engel." I stretched out my arms to take the Angel into my embrace, & before too long, she had returned the favor, but with even more passion & gusto than before. Her hands were all over me, touching me, pleasing me, enticing me to submit to the wonderful pleasures she had in store for me. I was relishing in every moment of it, enjoying the attention she was giving me.

The Angel gently pressed her cool, moist tongue against the pink skin of my ear, licking it sensuously as she slid her fingers over my chest, across my belly, over the contours of each of my muscles. "I want you, Heinrich..." Her fingers slid even lower now, going down to a place no other mouse woman had touched before. "I want you..."

Now, the sensations were becoming even more pleasant than they had been earlier! I moaned & whimpered softly as the Angel continued to seduce me, to bless me with her divine touch. "Take me!" I cried in absolute ecstasy, becoming lost in the heat of passion. "Take me, mein Engel!" A cold shiver swept through me, just like the one during our earlier encounter, & then, it was replaced by that warm, arousing feeling...I wanted more of that feeling! I wanted the Angel to take me...to bring me to a world of bliss that I had always dreamed of entering, but had never been able to access during my cold, hard life on Earth.

"You're mine," the Angel whispered into my fur as she nuzzled the flesh of my neck & traced the hollow of it with her tongue, kissing the base of my jaw every second or so. "You're all mine, Heinrich..."

I shuddered & moaned in sweet delight, knowing that I was soon to become one with my Angel Of Death.

The Angel smiled when she saw my reaction, then cradled my head in her hands as she kissed my neck again & again, filling me with pleasure. "Close your eyes," she said ever-so-softly. "Close your eyes..."

"I don't want to close them," I gently protested, writhing in response to her touch. "I want to see you...mein schöner Engel."

"But you'll enjoy it even more if you close your eyes & feel the sensations," the Angel insisted to me in that sweet voice of hers. "Now, close your eyes & relax, darling...Relax..."

I decided to follow the Angel's orders, & before I knew it, my eyelids were fluttering closed as I sank into her embrace once more, letting her take me into her arms...where I would be comforted & pleased as I made my way with her past the point of no return...

Then, suddenly, my eyes snapped open, but instead of my Angel's face, I was looking up at the ceiling of my washroom. My body was dripping wet with water, & the macabre waltz of "Lacrimosa" had changed to the gentle chant of "Domine Jesu Christe". Amy was looking down at me as she rose back up onto her knees, having just lured me away from the Angel's embrace with the kiss of life. I had come so close to death, just when I wanted it most, only to have it taken from me again!

"Oh, Dr. Fremdeliebe," Amy said as she reached out a paw to pet my hair & face, "thank goodness you're all right."

Tears sprang to my eyes, & I began to weep—not for the life I had just returned to, but for the death I was seeking in vain. That foolish Amy, always looking out for me & trying to make sure "everything was all right"...Didn't she know when to keep out of other rodents' business & mind her own?!

"Shh," Amy whispered, taking the towel she had found earlier & using it like a handkerchief to dry the tears away from my face. "Shh...It's OK..."

"I was so close," I sobbed, "so close!"

"But it's OK, Dr. Fremdeliebe," Amy said. "You're safe now!"

Don't you understand, Amy? I'm never safe in this world of constant, incessant pain & misery! Heaven is the only place where I'll be sheltered from all that...but I'll never get there if you keep rushing in to "save" me at the last minute.

Amy picked me up off the floor, then helped me get dressed into my nightgown & laid me down into my wheelchair. With her simple smile, she asked, "Would you like to go to bed?"

Only if it is to take my last night of sleep & not wake up the next morning, I prayed, but instead of that, the words that came out of my mouth were, "Yes, Amy. After all that's happened to me today, I think a good night's sleep is just the thing I need to relax & unwind."

Before too long, I was taken into my bedroom, & with Amy's help, I crawled onto the mattress of my bed & snuggled up under the covers. When Amy asked if there was anything else she could do for me, I answered, "Can you please fetch my boom-box & my CD copy of the Requiem?" Amy was puzzled by the request, but she obeyed & went off to retrieve the necessary items that I would need to provide a soothing last lullaby, the melody that would play during my (hopeful) death & herald the passing of Dr. Heinrich Fremdeliebe.

Amy brought in the boom-box & CD, & when she had set up the equipment, I asked her to skip to "Lacrimosa" & put it on repeat; again, she was puzzled by my "unusual" orders, but she nevertheless was kind enough to oblige me, & in a matter of seconds, the haunting song that had provided ambience for my evening bath was gracing the air-waves again, filling my bedchamber with its powerful, melancholy sound.

"Will that be all, Dr. Fremdeliebe?" Amy asked me. I nodded & sent her away to the quarters she shared with my other servants, then laid down & closed my eyes once the lights had been turned off, plunging my world into darkness.

After some moments, however, I was awakened by the voice of someone...someone who I'd been praying for to pay me another visit, & had now come to grant my deepest, darkest wish! It was...my Angel! She had returned to me at last!

"Heinrich," she whispered to me with her adoring smile, her hips waving seductively in time to the music. "Heinrich, I'm here..."

I stared at my visitor in pleasant shock for several moments, astounded to see her with me again, but then, as though a host of otherworldly forces had managed to give my legs power over the paralysis that had rendered them useless, I rose & went to her, wrapping my arms around her in a desperate embrace. "Mein Engel," I whispered, nuzzling my face against her fur & kissing her passionately in every place I could. "My Angel, I missed you so much..."

The Angel did not say anything this time; instead, she took my paw in hers, & with one arm stretched out & the other wrapped around my back, she began to dance with me to the waltz-like melody of Mozart's "Lacrimosa". I was savoring every moment of this tender dance, relishing in each step we took together as we whirled & twirled around in the darkness of my bedroom.

While we danced, the Angel's lips were upon me, gracing each place they touched with their soft, pleasing caress. I shuddered in ecstasy as she kissed my neck & passed her tongue over it, sending warm shivers throughout my body. It felt so good...I kissed her back, but even more passionately than she had; the yearning rage in my kisses signaled to the Angel that I was not going to wait any longer for her to take me. Soon, we were waltzing together with even more gusto than earlier, as our dance became more spirited.

As I continued my Tanzen Sie mit Tod, I sighed in content as I felt the Angel beginning to undress me, taking off my jacket, my necktie, & my shirt-sleeves, before planting kisses & caresses upon my naked, gray, fur-covered flesh. I cooed & moaned softly as I indulged in the pleasure of my Angel's divine touch, begging her to ravish me as she had never done before. "Take me, mein Engel," I whispered hoarsely into her ear, licking the inside of it, like she had done to me earlier. "I can't wait for you anymore...I need you to take me now!"

"All in good time, Heinrich," the Angel said playfully. Before too long, our waltz gradually came to an end as she led me over to the edge of my bed & laid me down upon the mattress, crawling on top of me as she stared into my brown eyes with her own blue orbs that blazed with passion. I cried & groaned in sheer bliss as I surrendered myself to the Angel, letting her touch, kiss, & caress everywhere & anywhere she wanted to bless me with the gentle strokes of her fingers & lips. Now, all the pain in my life was gone; there was only pleasure. Purest pleasure.

"Close your eyes, Heinrich," the Angel commanded, but this time, I did not protest her orders. My eyelids fell shut, & just after they had done so, the Angel had begun undoing the belt of my trousers & sliding her dainty paws beneath the black fabric, touching that place they had graced before, during our last meeting. My reaction to her pleasurable act incited her to remove the only garments I had on, & as soon as the last of my clothes fell to the floor, I lay back & let the Angel do with me as she wished. I was hers to touch & hold & caress now...I was hers to claim as her latest "prisoner"...& claim me, she eagerly did (in more ways than one, of course).

After my Angel & I finished completing the, erm, physical act of love, a profound sense of fatigue, a feeling of emptiness, followed. Luckily, I was able to interpret these feelings correctly: loss of essence. The Angel had finally done what I had wished for her to do all along—in addition to my precious bodily fluids (heh-heh), she had taken my life along with them.

As the Angel & I lay together on our bed, curled up in each other's arms, I remember her kissing me one last time on the lips, & as our tongues became locked in a delicate dance inside our mouths, she whispered my name & took a draw of breath, stealing the small remainder of my oxygen as she inhaled. With that, I gave a final sigh & closed my eyes in eternal sleep, resting in my Angel's tender embrace as I let her take me in her arms, where she continued to comfort & hold me as I gradually passed on to a certain magical place where all the tragedies of my past life would come to an end & I could expect to have a future much brighter & happier than I would ever have imagined having down on Earth...

After what seemed like a small eternity, the overwhelming darkness that had surrounded me began to dissipate, as shining rays of bright golden sunlight peeked out & pierced through the lonely black miasma. I could feel the rays' warmth upon my skin as I was once again bathed in their rich, radiant glow. A heavenly choir of singing seraphim were praising my arrival into Elysium, & for a moment, I could see the light getting brighter & brighter...to the point where my eyes hurt & I was shielding my gaze from the overwhelming luminescence. But then, I felt a pair of sunglasses being placed onto the bridge of my nose to relieve the pain, as a kindly voice told me, "Here you go, Dr. Fremdeliebe; I think you're still going to need these, as it'll take a while for you to get accustomed to the light."

The light...Yes, the light...

Keep going...Keep walking towards the light, Heinrich, I could hear the Angel whisper encouragingly to me as she led me closer & closer towards the gates of Heaven, where St. Peter would be waiting to let me in...

And then...for some strange reason, I suddenly found myself lying awake on my bed, dressed in my pajamas, with the Lacrimosa still playing on my boom-box. Wanting to see if my vision of Heaven mirrored that of Earth, I tried to wiggle my legs around...but, much to my regret, I realized that they wouldn't move. I was still paralyzed! My heart sank, & sorrowful tears sprang to my eyes, rolling down my cheeks in a torrent.

A dream...it had all been just a dream.

I was still here, living in this world of pain & anguish.

Why did my Angel want to torture me like this?

I sat up, but that was the only thing I could do as I brought my hands up to my face & wept mournfully into them, lamenting my miserable life & my inability (so far) to get into Heaven. It wasn't long until my servant-girl Amy heard my cries & came into my bedroom, all dressed up for the day.

"Oh, Dr. Fremdeliebe," Amy cooed sympathetically as she went over to me & gave me a tender hug, "what's the matter? Why are you crying?"

I took a moment to wipe some of my tears away with my paw, then sniffled & answered in a broken voice, "Oh, Amy...why must I be tortured with such tragedies? Why did so many bad things have to happen to me?" I broke down & collapsed against Amy, weeping into her chest as I felt her small, slender arms wrapping around me in a comforting gesture. "The fire, my paralysis, all the inventions I lost...I didn't deserve any of that!"

"Shh, Dr. Fremdeliebe," Amy whispered, planting gentle kisses on my face to console me. "It's OK. You didn't lose everything, remember?"

"I know, but there was so much I lost in the fire, all the same," I retorted, continuing to sob. "I can't bring myself to invent again, Amy! And even if I did, I could never truly bring back my original inventions...No replica of anything I've made could ever replace mein kinder, my little children..."

I continued to sob & cry, but Amy kept trying to comfort me, stroking my hair & cradling me in her arms, like a mother rocking her infant mouseling to sleep. That was how I felt in these dismal times...so lost, so alone, like a defenseless child who didn't know what to do & had no one to guide him through the darkness that surrounded him...

As I rested in the warmth of Amy's embrace, I tried to think back to an earlier time in my life, a time of safety & security...My mind was flooded with flashbacks of my childhood in Germany—images of me taking bike rides through the park, reading the books in my family's library, playing with my favorite toys on a rainy day, spending time with my darling mother & father—but even these peaceful pictures of a happier time did not comfort me. Oh, how helpless & hopeless I felt, now that my usual form of seeking solace failed to soothe my troubled spirits!

Even as I kept crying & continued to wallow in my emotional misery, however, Amy never wavered in her attempts to make me feel better. She tried singing a few bars of a lullaby that my mother had sung to me, long ago, but when that didn't work, Amy just picked me up & helped me get settled down into my wheelchair. As she did so, she said, "Don't worry, Dr. Fremdeliebe, I know just the thing to cheer you up! Why don't you go to the washroom & have your morning shave, & I'll go make you your favorite meal for breakfast?"

At this point, I didn't really care what Amy did, but I tried to calm down a little, & replied, "All right, Amy. That would be very kind of you. Danke schön."

With that, Amy scurried for the downstairs kitchen, & I wheeled out of my bedroom, going across the second-floor hallway, until I reached the washroom. After opening the door & closing it shut behind me, I turned to lock said door with my key, then went over to my washroom sink. A razor had been laid out for me near the basin, ready for me to use.

With a gulp, I reached for my razor with a trembling paw, grabbing it by the black, plastic base & picking it up from the sink. My red-rimmed, bloodshot, sleep-circled eyes then turned to gaze at my reflection in the washroom mirror; chills ran up & down my spine when I saw my reflection staring back at me—the scientist who was a mere shadow of his former self. His lips—my lips—were now cracked & dry from days of dehydration. His figure was emaciated & gaunt. The skin underneath his fur had turned pale. His body was quivering nervously from head to toe. Dried-up tears were plastered to his sunken, hollow face.

I immediately shut my eyes, trying to avert my gaze away from that terrible image; I didn't want to think about what I was doing to myself. Instead, I tried to think of that beautiful Angel, my sweet seraph, & I smiled when I thought of her soft touch & her calming voice. Oh, that voice...How it made my heart soar! I longed to hear it again! I wanted to hear her whispering in my ear as she made love to me...as she brought me into that world of pleasure, of peace, of pure joy...

Without a second's delay, I put the silver blade of my razor up to my neck, placing it just above a vital artery that, if cut, would leak blood at an astonishingly-fast rate—too quickly for anyone to come "save" me, I hoped.

I took a deep breath, & slowly, methodically, I sliced the razor across my throat.

It was not nearly as quick or painless as I thought it would be.

The moment the razor slashed through the skin of my neck, I cried out & dropped the razor to the floor, startled by how much it hurt. On reflex, I brought my paws up to the wound & began to apply pressure to it, hoping that doing so would relieve the pain. After a while, the stinging sensation went away, & I began to relax, leaning back into my wheelchair as I closed my eyes & waited for my beloved Angel to come take me away...

A few seconds passed, but I didn't hear my Angel's voice alerting her presence. Confused & bewildered as to why she wasn't here, I opened my eyes & looked down at the wound on my neck. The blood oozing from the cut ran down my chest & onto the shirt-front of my pajama-top, staining the soft fabric with its garish crimson color. I shuddered, wincing at the sight of my own bodily fluids slowly pouring out of me...but my disgust soon turned to fear as I saw a more terrifying image altogether...

The blood upon my pajama-top began to twist & morph, & some of it slowly rose from the liquid pool, taking the shape of six scarlet snakes. They all turned to face me with hollow eyes & wicked, fang-toothed smiles as they hissed my name menacingly...

My eyes widened in horror as the scarlet snakes began slithering up my body, continuing to grin & hiss my name as they advanced towards me, sliding all over my neck & head, leaving trails of blood in their wake. I screamed & swatted at my face, trying to get the foul creatures off of me...but when I brought my paw up to my eye-level, I was surprised to see that there was no blood on them; I looked down again, but this time, I saw no sign of the scarlet snakes. Was it all a hallucination? I wasn't sure...

My thoughts were suddenly interrupted as I felt my wheelchair tumbling backwards, taking me down with it. I let out a grunt as I fell to the floor, my head slamming against the ceramic tiles. Everything felt so dizzy...My world was spinning around in circles, disorienting me; my brain was aching badly, & the migraine got so unbearable to the point where I was moaning in pain. I begged for my Angel to relieve me of this agony, but again, she never came. If I was going to die, it would have to be alone.

Alone...& in absolute misery.

Wanting to put myself out of said misery, I reached for the razor again, then picked it up off the floor & put it to my neck. I made a deeper cut than the one I'd made earlier, & although it hurt, I decided to put up with it—the pain would go away before too long, when I was to be taken into Heaven...

I sighed in relief as the sting of the injury finally began to ebb, my blood pouring from my neck & oozing everywhere—onto my clothes, onto my fur, onto the floor...

I leaned my head back & closed my eyes one more time, surrendering to the darkness that overtook me. And as my world became filled with shadows, I smiled...for I could feel the Angel's hand caressing my face to comfort me, to assure me that everything would be all right...& I had no doubt that it would be.

Unbeknownst to Dr. Fremdeliebe, the door to the washroom rattled violently; outside, in the hallway, one of the scientist's other servant-girls, Rachel, was trying to get into the washroom, but to no avail. The door was locked.

The teenager with blonde hair & hazel eyes grunted in irritation as she gave a mighty kick to the door with her boot, then went back to twisting & turning the golden knob with her delicate paws as she yelled out, "Dr. Fremdeliebe, please...Carla has told you repeatedly not to lock this door!" (Carla was Fremdeliebe's head-servant.) "Dr. Fremdeliebe! DR. FREMDELIEBE!" Rachel continued to try & open the door, shaking & banging & bumping against it with all her might, but again, it was no use.

After taking a moment to think of another way to open the door, Rachel reached into her apron pocket & pulled out a small hair-pin, which often came in handy for opening locks when she didn't have the house keys. Rachel inserted the end of the pin into the lock & began to turn it about...

A quarter-turn to the left, a full turn to the right, a half-turn to the left, &...there! Got it!

Rachel's face lit up with a wide smile when she heard the click of the door unlocking, & after placing her paws on the doorknob to turn it, she was finally able to push the door open. The servant-girl stepped into the washroom, but then, she let out a gasp, & her eyes widened in shock as she clasped her paws to either side of her face—she was not prepared for the horrible sight that was displayed in front of her.

Dr. Fremdeliebe's body was sprawled out across the washroom floor, his legs dangling over the seat of his upturned wheelchair. He was lying on his back, & his razor was resting on the floor, just a couple of inches away from his right hand; his eyes were closed, & a peaceful expression was on his face...but his clothes were stained with crimson splatters, & blood was gushing out from a wound in his neck.

Rachel screamed as she went over to scoop up Dr. Fremdeliebe into her arms & struggled to carry him out of the washroom; though the adult male mouse was heavier than Rachel was, the adrenaline coursing through the servant-girl's body gave her the super-rodent strength she needed to transport him down the hallway. As Rachel ran through the corridor, cradling her master's limp body, she cried out fearfully, "Amy! Danielle! Everyone! Come upstairs quickly! Dr. Fremdeliebe's been hurt!"

In just a matter of seconds, Rachel had brought Dr. Fremdeliebe into his bedroom, & after laying him down on his bed, she placed her paws on his neck wound & began to apply pressure to the injury, hoping she could stop the bleeding before it got any worse. At the same time, Amy, Danielle, & the other servants all rushed upstairs, entered the bedroom, & scrambled to get to the large emergency kit of medical supplies that they kept stored in a safe on the other side of the room. While Carla, their leader, gave out instructions, each of the servant-girls grabbed something from the medical safe & went over to tend to Dr. Fremdeliebe.

"Amy, go call 911, & tell the doctors at the hospital to come over & help us! Danielle, get some antiseptic & cotton balls, so we can keep the cut from getting infected! Hurry! Ginny, go over & help Rachel stop the wound from bleeding any further! Lisa, I need you to get plenty of gauze! Be quick about it! Marsha, make sure that Dr. Fremdeliebe still has a pulse..."

It didn't take very long for the doctors to come, & after a short while, they had successfully managed to save Dr. Fremdeliebe from the brink of death. The wound in his neck was taken care of, & his injury would be healed completely in just a couple of days. Now, all the servant-girls had to do was wait for Dr. Fremdeliebe to wake up from his ordeal, & then, he could start making his way to a full recovery.

I stirred from my state of unconsciousness, gradually becoming aware of my surroundings; my eyes were still closed, but I could feel the sensations of soft fabric, cool air, & my chest rising & falling with each breath I took. Had I awakened from the black passage? Had I entered Heaven at last?

Slowly, gently, my eyelids fluttered open, as I let out a soft moan. Light, color, & fuzzy shapes began to flood my vision, becoming clearer & clearer with each passing second. Then, finally, everything came into focus...My servant-girls were all surrounding me, standing at the foot & sides of my bed; their faces all sported smiles of relief, & many of them were clasping their paws together, holding them up in front of their chests in what must have been prayer. A few of them were crying.

Why are my servants here with me? I wondered. They're not supposed to be here!

Amy was the only one of my servant-girls to speak at this point. With tears sliding down her face & rolling towards her happy smile, she whispered, "Dr. Fremdeliebe...you're alive!"

Alive? Alive?! No wonder my servants were all with me—they had prevented me from reaching Heaven, once again!

"Amy," I asked in a hushed tone, "did you save me?" Somehow, I suspected that my most devoted servant was largely responsible for "coming to my rescue", as she was during my near-drowning in the bathtub last night.

Amy shook her head & let out a girlish giggle as she replied, "Oh, Dr. Fremdeliebe, I can't take all the credit for saving you! We all did!"

"We all worked together to help you & make sure you were all right," Ginny, the youngest of my servants, piped up with a smile of her own.

My blood began to boil, & rage consumed my spirit as my temper flared to an all-time high. I could feel my face growing flushed & hot with anger as I shouted furiously, "You girls just don't get it, do you?! You don't seem to realize that I don't want your help! I don't want to be rescued!"

The servant-girls all looked at me as though I were a madmouse locked up in an insane asylum. "Dr. Fremdeliebe, what are you talking about?" Rachel asked in bewilderment.

I wanted to say more, but I was too flustered to do so at the moment. Instead, I just pointed to the open bedroom door & screamed, "OUT!!! Get out of this room immediately! I want you all to return to your quarters, & do not bother me for the rest of the night! If you do, I'll be docking your pay for the next six months! Now, get out! NOW!!!"

The servant-girls dared not disobey my orders, & after I had watched all of them scurry out of my bedroom & down the stairs, I flopped back down onto my mattress & let out a sigh of exasperation as I closed my eyes & tried to calm down from my outburst. Soon, the anger raging inside of me went away, but the tears came back, stronger than ever. My frail body convulsed with sobs, & as I cried into my pillow, I curled up into a fetal position, rocking back & forth like the poor, defenseless child I had felt like earlier. While I did all this, I struggled vainly to control my weeping as the words of a familiar German tune—my mother's lullaby—escaped from my lips...

Guten Abend, gute Nacht, Von Englein bewacht
Die zeigen im Traum, dir Christkindleins Baum
Schlaf nun selig und suess, Schau im Traum's Paradies,
Schlaf nun selig und suess, Schau im Traum's Paradies

Lullaby & goodnight, thy mother's delight
Bright angels, beside my darling abide
They will guard thee at rest, may thy slumber be blessed,
They will guard thee at rest, may thy slumber be blessed...

The laboratory was eerily quiet in the early hours of the afternoon, & the electric lights that usually illuminated my workspace had been turned off, leaving the room in near-darkness. The only source of radiance that could be seen was a small candle that was burning on my work-desk; it wasn't much, but at least, I had enough light to be able to see by, which was just the amount I needed.

Not having changed out of my pajamas & robe, I sat down in my wheelchair, my muscles tense & my paws gripping the wheels tightly, as I stared blindly ahead through the lens of my sunglasses, gazing at the stone walls of my laboratory. I had begun to wonder, what would happen if I were to end my life by bashing my head again & again against the barriers of bricks? Perhaps, then, I would be able to escape from the terrifying reality of the life I knew!

But while the notion of this new form of suicide gave me the "courage" to want to try & do it, I was also having some qualms about the method—would it hurt? After a few tries, would I be killed quickly, or would I have to suffer through several more trials-&-errors before it finally worked? What if it became so unbearable for me that it eventually got to the point where I couldn't bring myself to go through with it anymore? All these thoughts storming inside my mind were troubling, but I tried my best to push them aside & focus on the task at hand—what would (hopefully) be my final task.

This is it, Heinrich, I urged myself as my paws tightened their grip on the wheels of my chair, & my body tensed up in preparation for what was to come. There is no turning back now!

With every mouse ounce of strength left in me, I wheeled over as fast as I could to the west wall of my laboratory, & when I had gotten close enough, I slammed my head against the gray bricks. I remember clutching my hands to my head in agony when I felt a throbbing pain beginning to form, but after a few seconds, it went away, & I banged my head into the wall again.

This time, the force of the impact caused my sunglasses to fall off of my nose & land upon the floor—but I could still see well without my shades (I only kept them on to provide some relief for my sensitive eyes whenever I was around harsh electric lights), so I tried to close my eyes & not look as I slammed my head against the wall again...& again...& again.

With every attempt to try & bash my head in, the experience only became more & more difficult for me to endure. I don't know how I managed to force myself to keep on doing it, even though I was being afflicted with severe migraines & was in excruciating pain, not to mention that my head was bruised & bleeding profusely...

After several tries, however, my plan started working—I was beginning to black out! Just a few more slams against the wall, & I would finally be able to join my Angel in that peaceful paradise hidden amongst the clouds...

It took about one or two more head-bashings before I felt myself gradually slipping out of consciousness. Just as I had slumped back down into my wheelchair, utterly-exhausted & letting out deep, quiet sighs, my ears perked up to the light sound of rustling fabric. I smiled! My Angel was about to come take me away!

"Heinrich," I heard a soft voice call out to me, "what happened to you?"

"Nothing, liebchen," I said with an idiotic grin on my face, now feeling disoriented to the point of manic giddiness. "Just waiting for you to come fetch me..."

It wasn't long before I felt a pair of arms gently wrapping around me & bringing me close to her. The heavenly scent of perfume filled my nostrils, & I sighed in ecstasy, knowing that my Angel had arrived. When she lifted me into her arms, I smiled up at her, before reaching out a paw to pet her pretty face, illuminated with the soft, heavenly glow that surrounded her petite, but voluptuous, body. The Angel's smoky black fur had now changed to a more celestial & uplifting color—that of pure & holiest white—& the long black tendrils of hair that had sprouted from her mist-like form were now colored a dark chestnut-brown. A modest amount of makeup adorned her face, accentuating her youthful appearance, & her bright blue eyes stared at me with such kindness that I was moved to the point of tears...tears of absolute joy.

"Shh, Heinrich," the Angel whispered to me as she cradled me in her arms & stroked my hair with her nimble, delicate fingers. "It's all right...it's all right..."

"Ja, mein Engel," I softly replied, my voice choking a little, as I rested in the warmth of the Angel's embrace & let her comfort me. "I know it's all right...now that I'm with you again..."

I lay my head against the Angel's bosom, gently sighing as my eyelids fluttered closed & I felt the rhythm of her heavenly heartbeat synchronizing with mine. My paws slid up to gently caress the sides of the Angel's chest, then went up to stroke her shoulders, her neck, & her face, & as my hands were wandering all over her, I began to kiss her passionately. I moaned into the Angel's fur as I planted my lips upon her flesh in every place I could find, unable to control my insatiable appetite for her; soon, I was not only kissing & touching her, but had also begun to lick at her skin & gently nibble it with my teeth.

"Heinrich," the Angel told me in a quivering voice, "don't...Stop..." She moaned when I bit down a little harder on her neck & started to lick & kiss her there, bringing my paws down into the front of her dress to fondle & massage her ample breasts, teasing the rosy pink ends with my fingertips. The Angel blushed a little as she shut her eyes tight, shivering under my touch. "Please..."

"You want me, don't you, mein Engel?" I whispered hoarsely, nuzzling her neck as I continued to lick & nibble at it. "You want me! I can see it in your eyes that you want me!" I swiftly removed my hands from the Angel's chest & brought them up to caress her hair & face, still kissing & licking her with unbridled passion as my lips & tongue slowly trailed up her neck. "Take me, mein Engel! Take me!" I cried, moving up to plant a passionate kiss on the Angel's soft, pink lips. As I pressed my mouth against the Angel's, kissing her with increasing gusto, I gradually forced my way into her quaking maw, letting my tongue intertwine with hers. Whatever words the Angel had intended to say to me had now become a muffled melody of soft groans & aching moans...

And then, just when I'd least expected it, I suddenly felt myself falling out of my Angel's embrace & landing upon the ground with a hard thud. Before I could try to make sense of what was going on, my eyelids fluttered closed again, & my world became filled with shadows once more...

"Dr. Fremdeliebe? Are you OK? Dr. Fremdeliebe?" Amy asked timidly as she saw her employer lying on the floor of his laboratory, now rendered totally unconscious from the impact of his head hitting the ground when he fell. When Dr. Fremdeliebe didn't respond to Amy's calls, the servant-girl burst into tears, & bent down to scoop him up into her arms.

Cradling the scientist's limp body, Amy sobbed as she stroked his pompadour of light-brown curls, matted down & stained with his blood. "I'm so sorry, Dr. Fremdeliebe! I didn't mean to drop you, but I was just so scared—I thought you were going to do something awful to me!" Amy's cries became more hysterical as she gave Dr. Fremdeliebe a tender hug, before gently kissing his brow & raising a sorrowful gaze to the ceiling as she wept, "Oh, Dr. Fremdeliebe, if you die, I'll just never forgive myself!"

With that, Amy hurried over to bring Dr. Fremdeliebe to the other servant-girls, who immediately transported him to his bedroom & began working together to help stabilize his condition until the paramedics arrived...

After becoming lost in a world of darkness for God-knows-how long, I gently stirred from my slumber with a series of soft moans, gradually becoming aware of the sensation of a damp washcloth being run over my forehead. Slowly, I opened my eyes to find myself lying on my bed; my robe & pajama-top had been taken off, & only my sleep-trousers were left upon my furson. My blankets were pulled up to my chest, & I could see that Amy was sitting down beside me on the bed, applying the washcloth to my brow. "Dr. Fremdeliebe," the servant-girl said to me with a smile, "you're awake!"

"Amy...Wh...Where am I?" I asked weakly, gazing at Amy with half-lidded eyes. "What happened...to me?"

"You just had a little accident," Amy said. "That's all. But don't worry, Dr. Fremdeliebe; I'm taking care of you now." She leaned over to kiss me on the forehead, then continued stroking it with the damp washcloth as she whispered, "Everything's all right, Heinrich...It's all right..."

I stared at Amy in absolute shock, & my blood ran cold in my veins, but not because I knew that I had not died...I suddenly remembered that before I had finally passed out, I thought I had seen my Angel. In a fit of overwhelming ecstasy, I had begun fondling her & kissing her passionately, hoping that she would allow me to make love to her...but I now realized that I hadn't been seducing my Angel, nor she, me; I was acting wantonly towards Amy, whom I had mistaken for the Angel!

Amy didn't seem to care about what had happened, but I honestly felt that she should have cared. I had nearly—oh, I shudder to say the dreaded word!—raped Amy...sweet, innocent little Amy! I had almost stooped to the level of a cold-hearted beast! Slowly, but surely, I was becoming...a monster! A cruel, hideous, depraved monster! But why didn't Amy run away or report me to the police? Why did she choose to stay & take care of me? I didn't understand it! I didn't understand it at all!

I let out an anguished groan, & tears fell from my eyes as I looked up at Amy with a pained expression. "Amy," I wept, "why do you want to help me so much?"

Amy smiled at me & tried to dry my tears away with her paw, as she answered sweetly, "Because I love you, Heinrich...I love you, & I care for you...I don't want anything bad to happen to you."

I couldn't believe my ears! How could Amy say those things to the mouse who had nearly robbed her of her chastity? How could she love a monster like me? How could she have feelings for the demented madmouse who was lying in front of her, trembling & crying like a helpless child?

"Amy," I whispered in a broken voice as I weakly shook my head to & fro, "you foolish girl...You poor, foolish girl!" I let out a sob, & asked Amy, "Do you realize what you are saying? Do you understand the words that are tumbling out of your mouth?"

"Yes, Heinrich," Amy said as she leaned over to give me another kiss on the forehead. "I understand them completely."

Amy's confessions to me, unfortunately for her, didn't deter me from wanting to continue my attempts to commit suicide. I still thought about it during the couple of days it took for me to recover from my earlier "accident", & by the time Amy & the other servant-girls said I was free to get up & move around the house, I was already thinking about the other methods I could try during my endeavors to end my life.

Let's see, I pondered as I moved my wheelchair across the floor of my laboratory, strangulation didn't work...drowning didn't work...& neither did cutting my throat or trying to bash my head in...Hmm...what to do, what to do... I was thinking about these things so casually, as if I were trying to come up with ideas for making house repairs! I had become so used to thoughts of suicide that they didn't really bother me anymore.

Before I knew it, I was passing through the mousehole-entrance to my laboratory, & then, I was wheeling across the cement squares of the large pavement that lined my side of the street where I lived. I felt a little drop when my wheelchair rolled off the end of the sidewalk, then felt level again as I started moving in the way of oncoming mouse traffic. I could see a tiny automobile (a shiny blue Mousarati, if I remember correctly) heading in my direction, but I just stared blankly at the car as it drove closer & closer towards me. I didn't budge an inch. I didn't try to run away & escape the approaching danger. I just sat there in my wheelchair, blindly accepting whatever fate was to come upon me...

...but then, all of a sudden, I let out a cry of surprise as a mouse woman whisked me out of the car's path & began to pull my wheelchair back up onto the sidewalk, wincing with every ounce of effort & energy she used. The woman & I both made it onto the pavement just in time, as the Mousarati whizzed by a couple of seconds later.

After sweeping the dust off her clothes, the lady turned to me & asked with an angry look on her face, "What on Earth were you thinking, standing—er, sitting—in the middle of the street like that? You could have been seriously injured, if not killed!"

"Fraulein," I said to the lady with a despondent expression, "that is precisely what I was hoping would happen."

"My goodness!" the lady said, now looking shocked as she clasped her paws to the sides of her face. "What's the matter, dear? Is something wrong?"

"Yes..." I replied sadly as I turned away from the woman & began wheeling back to my house. "Something is wrong...But it's nothing that you can help with, I'm afraid..."

When I returned to my laboratory, the servant-girls had no idea about what had just happened out on the street. A few of them reported hearing a small commotion, but they didn't pay any attention to it...lucky for me! Now, I just had to wait until the girls were all asleep...& then, I would go out & try to find another way to kill myself & let my Angel take me to heaven...But how?

I waited until that evening to put my next suicide plan into action, & at the stroke of 9, I called my servants into the laboratory. "It's 9:00, girls," I said, "& I wish for you to retire early, so that you can get a head start on your duties for tomorrow. You are dismissed to your quarters."

The girls, as I was expecting them to do, reacted in shock & surprise. Never before had I sent them to their quarters this early! (I usually made them stop working at 11:00 PM, or at midnight, if I was especially late getting to bed.)

"Dr. Fremdeliebe," Rachel asked me with a bewildered look on her face, "why are you sending us away so early? You've never done that before!"

"I'm well aware of that, my dear," I replied, "but I would like to be left alone for the rest of the evening."

"No, Dr. Fremdeliebe," Amy said with a firm shake of her head. "We should stay with you & make sure that nothing bad happens to you."

"You've been getting in so many accidents lately," Ginny said with a plaintive expression. "We want to make sure you're all right!"

"Please, please, let us stay with you, Dr. Fremdeliebe," the girls were all begging, but I remained firmly-rooted in my decision. "NEIN!" I barked, glaring furiously at my servants. "You are to leave this house immediately, & you are not to return until 8:00 AM, sharp! Do I make myself clear?"

The girls immediately nodded their heads, deciding to agree with me, rather than argue with me. "Yes, sir," they all said in unison, before scuttling off to leave the laboratory & head for their quarters in the building next door. Being a little reluctant at first, Amy was the last one to leave, & when the servants were all gone, I moved my wheelchair into my own living quarters. I passed through the open door & entered the living room, before taking the matchbox-elevator that brought me up to the second floor of the house. Then, I wheeled over to the entrance of the staircase that led down to the first story. The wheels of my chair were inching closer...closer...& closer to the edge of the stairway...

Then, with a gulp, I closed my eyes & brought my wheelchair over the first step. Down, down, down, the wheelchair went, carrying me along with it as it bounced & tumbled down the long flight of stairs. The last thing I remembered before hitting my head & blacking out was landing in a crumpled heap on the living room floor, my wheelchair flopped over my body as it pinned me to the ground...

Unfortunately, I never made it to heaven that night, which explains why I didn't see my sweet Angel come to comfort me & make my pain go away with her soft, comforting touch & the gentle caress of her lips & fingers. She never came to see me that night...but my journey through that long, black, black gap was accompanied by another spirit...the spirit of a red demon.

Shortly after my fall down the stairs, I awakened from unconsciousness to see the red demon looming over me & smirking at me, his yellow eyes glowing brightly in the darkness that surrounded me. The demon whispered my name in a hoarse, raspy voice, his words dripping with cruel glee, as he took his pitchfork & began trying to stab me with it. I tried to get away, but it was no use; the demon caught me & raised his pitchfork high into the air, & then, it came down & pierced me in the heart...just as I woke up from my terrifying nightmare at the moment of impact.

Breathing heavily, I took a look at my surroundings, trying to figure out where I really was. Once again, I had woken up in my bedroom, & whatever injuries I may have received during last night's "accident" had magically disappeared. I was alone for now, but I knew that sooner or later, the servant-girls would come rushing in to check on their dear Dr. Fremdeliebe...

...& rush in, they did.

"He's awake! He's awake!" I heard Carla cry as she ran into the bedroom, with the other girls quickly following suit. "Look, everyone, Dr. Fremdeliebe's awake!"

The girls all crowded together around my bed, gazing at me with happy faces & wide, bright eyes as they bombarded me with a never-ending stream of questions like, "Are you OK, Dr. Fremdeliebe? Are you feeling better, Dr. Fremdeliebe? Does your head hurt, Dr. Fremdeliebe?" On & on & on, it went...They wouldn't stop talking! The servants were all babbling & blathering so much, that it gave me a headache! When the girls saw me moaning & clutching my paws to my forehead in agony, they fell silent & stepped back away from the bed to give me some space.

"We promise not to be a bother, Dr. Fremdeliebe," Rachel said. "But we are going to take care of you, until you've made a full recovery & you're back to normal!"

For the rest of the day, I was confined to my bed, with my servants all fluttering about to & fro, coming up to bring me room service or make me "feel more comfortable" as I rested in my bed. They always offered to fluff up my pillows, tuck in my blankets, give me a massage, make me my favorite meals, sing me a soothing lullaby or two...little things like that.

But what I really wanted my servants to give me was a good, strong glass of brandy.

Preferably with some rat poison mixed in.

Anything to end the constant torment & misery I was feeling!

Early the next morning, when the servant-girls were still asleep in their quarters, I got up from my bed, helped myself into my wheelchair, & quietly snuck out of my house, before exiting my laboratory & making my way into the outside world, still bathed in the dusky blueness of the last hours of twilight. Not a creature was stirring in the pre-dawn stillness, except for myself, as I wheeled down the pavement of my street, unnoticed by anyone or anything. I didn't know where I was going. But I had to get away from that house & those girls! I had to try & find another way to kill myself, before anyone caught me or tried to stop me!

I traveled for quite some distance, until finally, at the end of my block, I came upon a high-rise building with a balcony on one of the uppermost levels. It was a good place to try another suicide attempt—if I jumped from the balcony, I would hit the ground & die on impact! But how could I get onto the balcony? I didn't see a way up!

Suddenly, my eyes cast a glance down to my right, & I happened to spot a large coil of mouse-sized rope, along with a few safety-pins that had been stolen from humans. I didn't know where they came from, but I didn't care—I knew just what I wanted to do with the heaven-sent objects! I could take the rope & safety-pins, & make them into a makeshift grappling-hook that I could use to climb onto the balcony! It was worth a try, at least!

And so, I immediately got to work. I leaned forward to pick up the rope & safety-pins, then placed them all into my lap. Then, I took each safety-pin & unclipped it, before putting them all together to make a single bunch of hooks, with the pin-parts pointing in different directions. After that, I took the rope & carefully threaded it through the holes in the bottoms of two of the safety-pins, making sure to bring the rope down over the second nub & fasten it snugly & securely in a knot at the bottom of the grappling-hook. Then, I smiled when I saw my completed invention resting in my paws. Perfect! I thought. Now, to see if it works...

After bringing my wheelchair closer to the building, I took a deep breath & began whirling the grappling-hook around like a lasso, swinging it around faster & faster, until I let go & watched the hook fly up towards the balcony, where it went over the ledge & landed on the floor. I gave the rope a few tugs, & the grappling-hook finally got caught between two of the poles of the balcony railing.

With a grunt & a heave, I pulled myself up out of my wheelchair & lifted myself into the air, before gently swaying to & fro as I held tightly onto the rope, suspended just a few mouse feet above the ground. Then, I began climbing up the rope, scaling the brick walls of the high-rise building; all the while, I did my best not to make any noise or attract unwanted attention to myself, & with each puff of air that went in & out of my nose, I made my way up the side of the building very, very slowly & carefully. Being paralyzed from the waist down meant that I couldn't walk or use my legs or feet, so if I were to slip, there would be no way for me to regain my footing, & if I were to fall...I wouldn't be able to land safely. So, it did take me quite some time to make it to the balcony without risking injury or death...

...but when I finally made it to my destination, I crawled over the balcony railing, tumbled onto the floor, & landed flat on my back, staring up at the heavens with an ecstatic smile as I gazed in the direction of the celestial kingdom that I would soon be entering. The sky was a lighter shade of blue, now, & the sun was about to rise; I could hear sweet birdsong echoing in the air as puffy clouds sailed across the horizon.

So, this is where I'll be going to live when I take that plunge from the balcony, I thought to myself blissfully. Oh, it looks so peaceful & wonderful...I can't wait to be there, already!

Without further ado, I pushed myself up onto my bum with my arms, then scooted around to face the balcony railing & began scooting closer & closer towards it. Then, I started to climb up over the railing, staring down at the pavement that was many mouse feet below me. I could feel myself sliding over the edge of the balcony; all I had to do was tip over the railing & plummet to my death a dozen stories below...And then, my Angel would come to greet me & take me to heaven, where I would be free from my tragic life! Truly free!

Come on, Heinrich, I goaded myself as I kept pushing my body over the railing, inch by inch, little by little. You can do it...Just a bit more...

I was just about to fall...but suddenly, I yelped when I felt someone grabbing me fiercely by the tail. Angry at being kept from fulfilling my deadly wishes once again, I demanded for whoever was holding me to let me go, but when the unwanted intruder refused to release me & let me fall into the waiting jaws of death's abyss, I turned around...& froze in absolute shock when I saw a tall, plump lady mouse (still dressed in her sleep attire, complete with curlers & guacamole mask) staring at me in concern. She must have been awakened from her slumber & seen me trying to fall off of the balcony.

"Let go of my tail!" I pleaded with the lady, now on the verge of tears. "Please, fraulein...let me fall! Let me die! I want to die!"

"Oh, don't say those horrible things!" the lady said, trying to pull me up with all of her might. "You don't want to end your life at such a young age, with your whole life ahead of you!"

"No, no, no, no, no," I sobbed, trying in vain to free my tail of the lady's firm grasp. When I had been pulled back onto the balcony, I completely lost it! I broke down in tears & began throwing a childish fit, unable to calm down or control myself as I gave into the pain & agony that ravaged my soul...

I don't remember much of what happened after the lady "rescued" me, but the next thing I do remember was Amy & the other servant-girls coming to check me out of the local sanitarium later that morning. Needless to say, they were not too pleased with my desire to end my life, much less with the discovery of my repeated suicide attempts. All the way back to the laboratory, they were frowning at me & giving me plenty of tongue-lashings for what I had done during the last few days.

"Dr. Fremdeliebe, how could you do such a thing like that to us?" Carla chided me. "And without even telling us about it!"

"Why didn't you tell us you were feeling so sad?" little Ginny asked sadly. "We could help you, Dr. Fremdeliebe; we could make you feel all better!"

"You should have told us you were feeling suicidal," Amy scolded, looking hurt. "You don't have to keep such a horrible secret like that from us...We could help you, Dr. Fremdeliebe. We could try to help you find a way to end your depression."

"Yeah, Dr. Fremdeliebe," Rachel agreed. "We don't want you to live your life like this! We want to help you!"

"We want to help you, Dr. Fremdeliebe!" the girls all echoed in unison, like obnoxious little birds that wouldn't stop chirping when you only wanted to hear sweet silence.

"We want to help you! We want to help you! We want to help you!"

"ENOUGH!" I screamed, breaking free of the girls & wheeling away from them. "I don't want your help! I don't need your help! All I want is to be left alone!"

The girls continued to chatter as they chased after me through the mousehole-entrance to my laboratory, through said lab, into my house, up the matchbox-elevator, down the second-floor hallway, & into my bedroom. It got to be so upsetting that I reached a point where I completely exploded in rage!

"SHUT UP, YOU STUPID DAMEN!" I screeched angrily, reaching for the lamp on my nightstand & tossing it in the girls' direction (the girls ducked out of the way, however, & the lamp hit the wall, where it shattered into a million pieces). "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!!!" Before I could stop myself, I was shouting, swearing, hurling cruel insults, taking furious swipes at the servants, ripping off my clothes until I was just wearing my trousers & shoes, breaking my glasses in two, clawing at my skin until it bled, tearing at my hair, beating the walls, punching at furniture, throwing & breaking any objects in my path...

Some of the servant-girls began to cry as they watched fury consume my soul & take complete control of the kind & caring "mouseter" they used to know. Many of the girls took to their heels & ran for their quarters as fast as they could...but some of the others, including Carla & Amy, rushed over to try & restrain me.

When the girls had finally pinned me to my bed, I was exhausted & out of breath. Carla told Amy to stay with me as she & the other remaining servants went to their quarters to comfort the runaways & call the psychiatric ward for help. By the time they were gone, the anger had left me, & I was once again reduced to a blubbering mass of tears.

"Please, Heinrich, calm down," Amy begged me in a choked voice as she stroked my blood-stained fur & unkempt hair. "Try to relax...OK?"

"Amy," I sobbed, "don't do this to me anymore...Let me put myself out of my misery!"

"No, Heinrich!" Amy exclaimed, almost about to cry herself. "I'm not going to let you die! Not so soon..."

"Please, Amy, have mercy on me!" I begged, the tears falling down my cheeks like sorrowful raindrops. "I don't want to suffer anymore! I want to feel only blessings in my life...wonderful things...How can I be blessed if I am to suffer all these tragedies during my earthly existence?"

"You are blessed, Heinrich," Amy whispered, continuing to caress me as she let my head rest in her lap. "You have your friends & family...you have your intelligence...you have your great skills & talents...you have memories of a wonderful childhood...& you have all the accomplishments you've made! How can you look back on all those things & not consider yourself blessed?"

"Because I have suffered through endless rejection, disgrace, degradation, humiliation, hatred, & disrespect, not to mention the loss of my inventions & my paralysis!" I replied despondently. "A mouse who is truly blessed would never have to experience such horrible things...God does not wish to favor me, Amy! He only wishes to torture me until I don't want to go on living anymore!"

"No, Heinrich," Amy said comfortingly, "I'm sure that's not true!"

"It is, Amy," I said sadly, staring blankly ahead of me as my head continued to rest in the servant-girl's lap. "It is true...God only has more tragedies planned in store for me...I can't let those horrible things afflict me! I have to escape the pain of the life I know...& find happiness in another life, altogether..."

Amy was beginning to cry, now, & although I did not see it, she looked down at me with those sweet blue eyes of hers; her little tears fell down her rosy cheeks & landed on the hem of her dress as she continued to caress my hair & fur, begging me in a tearful whisper, "Don't do this, Heinrich. Please don't throw your life away...Think about what you're doing! Think about how this will affect the rodents you leave behind...Think about how sad your parents will feel...Think about how sad your fans & admirers will feel..."

"What fans & admirers?" I muttered glumly to myself.

"Think about how sad your servants will feel," Amy continued. "Think about...how sad I'll feel!"

I thought about it for a moment...before looking back up at Amy with a solemn, melancholy look on my face. "It's too late for that, Amy," I said with a shake of my head. "There's no hope of rescuing me this time...I have already made the decision to end my life. And that's what I'm going to do."

When she heard me say this, Amy completely burst into hysterics, weeping uncontrollably as she wrapped her arms around my neck, cradling me even tighter than before. "Don't leave me, Heinrich!" she begged & pleaded. "Don't leave me all alone! I love you, Heinrich...I don't know how I'll be able to live without you!"

"Don't cry anymore, Amy," I said in resignation, offering her a tissue. "You know that crying won't make me change my mind about the matter. Now, dry your tears & calm down."

Reluctantly, Amy took the hankie & put it to her eyes, dabbing at them with the square of light-pink cloth. "But, Heinrich..." she started to say, but I held up a swift paw to cut her off in mid-sentence as I helped myself to sit up on the bed. "Amy, mein liebling, don't worry about me," I told the distressed girl. "Just go off to meet the other servants...& be thankful you're still living your own life."

With that, I helped myself back down into my wheelchair & began wheeling out of my room, toward the matchbox-elevator. Whatever it was that Amy was saying to me, I chose to ignore, until the elevator doors shut, & I was carried down to the first floor of my living quarters. After reaching the bottom story, I began wheeling away to my laboratory, so that I could start work on my next—& last—invention...

My despondent quest to end my life had officially boiled down to the most painful & agonizing form of torture I would allow myself to try, & my "final mouseterpiece" would serve as the means by which I would finally commit suicide. It was an elaborate shocking device that I had constructed out of wires, cables, parts of appliances & electronic gadgets, pistons, spark plugs, & other odds-&-ends, along with a long cord that had a shocking helmet at the end of it; when placed on my head, the helmet would transfer the electrical shock from the machine to my body.

The entire shocking device & the helmet were both connected to a power-supply box with a control that worked very much like a radio dial; going all around this dial were little tick-marks, some of which had large numbers printed above them. Each of these numbers, which went from 1 to 10, represented a different level of intensity that the electric shock could be delivered at; 1, the smallest number, had a very low shock-intensity level that would only deliver a maximum of 14 volts of electricity—which, at best, was just slightly uncomfortable.

With each increase of the number as it went around the dial, though, the amount of electricity doubled...& for this reason, 10, the highest level on the supply-box, was also the deadliest one, as it provided 140 volts of electricity—enough to kill seven adult rats. But as much as I knew that dreadfully-obvious scientific fact, I didn't seem to care anymore; the vital importance of that trivial bit of knowledge meant nothing to me now...because I didn't care how much electricity went through my body. I didn't care how much it would probably hurt. I was ready to brave whatever pain or agony was in store for me.

I was ready to do it. I was ready to die.

Without a moment's hesitation, I put the shocking helmet on my head, then lay down in a reclining chair that rested beside the electrocution device. On my boom-box, the strains of the overture from Wagner's "Tannhauser" could be heard playing; I felt this choice for my final serenade was appropriate, because it was a joyful, triumphant tune heralding my passage from this cold, cruel world into a bright, beautiful land of never-ending blessings. It was to be (or so I hoped) the final song on the soundtrack of my life...& oh, what a happy song it was!

Looking up at the ceiling of my laboratory with a wide smile, I toyed with the dial on the shocking device's power-supply box & started out on Level 1, just to get a feel of the electricity that would soon be coursing through my body as it obliterated each & every cell of my being with its lethal power. After becoming used to the electrical shock, I turned the dial up a notch, to Level 2. Level 2 wasn't too painful, but I knew it wouldn't kill me, either, so I decided to skip ahead to Level 4, then Level 7...before turning the dial over to Level 9—just one number short of the final level on the supply-box, the very level that would send me into the waiting, welcoming jaws of death!

Of course, Level 9 did not carry as much electricity as Level 10—in fact, only a maximum of 126 volts—but this did not mean it was any less painful. As the mighty currents of electricity began rushing from the power-supply box & entering my body through the shocking helmet, I let out a scream of pure agony! The electricity was really hurting me now, & it hurt like hell!

Before long, I became consumed with unbearable, excruciating pain, which only became worse & worse with each second that passed. It eventually got to the point where I couldn't tolerate the pain anymore—it hurt too much, & unless I turned off the power-supply box, it would only continue to do so. But at the same time, I wasn't willing to give up on my suicide just yet! I had to see this through to the end! I had to!

Come on, Heinrich, don't give up now! I encouraged myself, even though I was wincing from the agony of it all. You can do it...You can do it!

But as it turned out, I couldn't go through with my suicide, after all.

In retrospect, it was a complete wonder—& a miracle—that I managed to stay conscious throughout my ordeal, let alone survive it, but as you know, I had originally hoped that the very opposite would happen to me. With every moment that the electricity coursed through my body, however, the more painful & agonizing it became for me, & the less I was willing to go through with this torture. Before too long, I was beginning to have second thoughts about the suicide attempt; I decided that I did not want to wait any longer for the shock to take its toll on me, as the sensation of pain I received from it made each nanosecond of waiting for death absolutely unendurable.

With that, I quickly reached for the dial on the shocking device's power-supply box & switched it to the "off" position; the electricity & the pain immediately stopped flowing through me, & I felt so much better now—better than I had ever felt during the last few weeks! As I took several minutes to recover from my terrifying near-encounter with the Grim Reaper, I smiled & sighed in sweet relief as I regained the feeling in my upper body again, while the cool air from my laboratory's air conditioner rushed upon my skin, ridding it of the unpleasant sensation of burning & frying! The gray strands of fur on my body danced & bristled with a joyful tingle—almost orgasmic! I felt so happy & content...so light, so breezy, so carefree...so jolly & jubilant! So...so...thankful to be alive!

After all that I had gone through lately, I came to the conclusion that life was truly a blessing. Even if it's good, even if it's bad, one should be thankful to be living & thriving, & he (or she) should cherish each & every day, as though it were his (or her) last! Yes, life was truly a blessing...& one that I was willing to thank the Guter Herr for.

Filled with rejuvenation & a sense of newfound hope for the future, I removed the shocking helmet from my head, then got up, helped myself into my wheelchair, & began wheeling off to the dining room of my house. I couldn't wait to summon the servant-girls & have them make my favorite treats for lunch!

Amy, Rachel, Carla, Danielle, Ginny, & the other servants were happy to see that their "mouseter" had returned to his cheerful, charming, normal self. As the servant-girls brought me my luncheon meal & flitted busily around the dining table to watch me eat, they all began smiling & chatting merrily with one another! Everything in the Fremdeliebe household was slowly, but surely, changing back to the way it used to be. And that was just the way we liked it!

Luckily for me & my dear servants (& anyone else who knew me), I never again made another attempt at suicide...but little did I know that my Tanzen Sie mit Tod, my dance with death in the electric chair, would still leave its mark on my ever-deteriorating psyche. I didn't know it at the time, but my failed suicide attempts would soon lead me down another path altogether...the path to insanity.

THE END?