Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of The Big Bang Theory.

The Parasitism Realization

Sheldon Cooper frowned as he sat across from Amy Farrah Fowler on her lab bench. She'd been largely ignoring him, instead immersed in a coverless hardback tome as she occasionally reached over to scoop some yogurt into her mouth.

"I've come to realize something that greatly disturbs me, Amy."

Amy's head shot up immediately.

"What's that? Let me guess—it's very bad." She began to stand up, lowering her book slowly. "I think I know what would teach me a—"

"No need," he interrupted, raising his hand. "What disturbs me is that your infractions have become far more frequent in the last month than ever before, specifically those acts grave enough to warrant punishment."

"I don't know what you mean," Amy said, immediately eating another spoonful of yogurt, her face a veil of innocence.

With that, Sheldon reached into his pocket and unfolded a graph with data points showing a clear trend. He thrust it at her, jamming it in front of the pages of her book. She stared quizzically at the points.

"What are you trying to say, Sheldon?" she asked, handing him the graph. "This looks like the exponential growth rate of bacteria. Even my neuronal stem cells don't double at this rate. Is this your way of telling me that you're cheating on me with Bernadette?"

"Don't be silly," Sheldon said with a roll of the eyes. "Now, this graph represents punishable offenses. The y-axis is offenses and the x-axis represents each day of this past month. Exactly one month ago I punished you for pretending to be ill. The very next day you spilled coffee on my spot on the couch and then tried to clean it with my toothbrush. Two serious infractions. The day following you ripped my mint Ultimate Spiderman #1, bought me a girl's toothbrush to replace the one you destroyed and then proceeded to immediately drop it on the floor just before bedtime, thereby forcing me to go to bed without brushing my teeth, and most maliciously, you sneezed right in my face. On day four you brought me the couch cushion which you admitted that you hadn't gotten cleaned and which still smelled like coff—"

"What's your point, Sheldon?" she said with a crooked frown. "I admitted wrong and went so far as to request punishment for those things." She began reading the book once again, averting her eyes to pore over the pages.

"What in the world are you reading?" He tried to read the spine of the plain book. "Fifty Shades Darker; what is that?"

Amy sighed as she dog-eared the page in the book.

"It's a book about localized vasodilation, Bartholin gland secretions, and tachycardia and how it relates to vibrant mental imagery and the repeated superficial compression of the sciatic nerve. Just the usual neurobiology stuff."

He pointed at the book.

"Is that related to that other book you've been reading about shades of gray?"

"Yes," she replied simply.

"I didn't know neurobiology books were named so…unscientifically."

"We scientists have to spice up our lives somehow, so why not in the title?" she replied. "Who wants to read a book that sounds like an un-cited article in an obscure peer-reviewed journal?"

"Point taken," he replied. "But it is my opinion that these punishments have been in some kind of symbiosis to receiving more punishment. The increase has been exponential—"

"Maybe you derive pleasure from spanking me," Amy hissed in a whisper, pointing at him as she did so. "And in doing so, you are subconsciously finding more acts that warrant it."

Sheldon's mouth fell open and he gaped at her.

"Have you been reading my notes? I was about to say that you—"

"I have concluded this with my own research," Amy replied. "I recall you telling me about Penny paintballing your seat cushion and yet she didn't get punish—"

"You spilled coffee on purpose," Sheldon cut in huffily. "You don't even drink coffee."

"She shot your seat cushion with a paintball gun," Amy responded. "She doesn't even play paintball."

"Are you saying I should have spanked her?" Sheldon said, blinking with confusion.

"No, I am not," Amy quickly corrected. "Such punishments should only exist within the context of a romantic relationship. She wouldn't go for it."

"Well, then, why do you?"

"Honestly, I don't know why I allow you to do it," Amy said, mocking frustration. "I think it's because I love you."

Sheldon stared at Amy, mind-boggled by her use of the L-word. This was a big no-no in the relationship agreement, one of which Amy was certainly well-aware.

"Amy," he began, shaking his finger at her. "You are not—"

"Sheldon," she interrupted, lifting up her arms in surrender. "I just realize what I did there. That was wrong of me."

"Yes it was."

A silence passed between them as they sat across from each other. Amy began biting her lip, feeling her entire physicality change in light of this newest infraction. Sheldon could only stare stonily at her, his hands now folded in front of him, fingers twitching. Would he do it here? It had never happened in her laboratory and she wasn't sure that it should, regardless of the fact that there were no windows, that she was the only researcher ever present in the room, and that the door was perpetually locked from the inside.

"Well, what do you propose be done about it?" Amy finally blurted.

"I forgive you, because I don't really think you meant it," Sheldon replied matter-of-factly.

"What are you talking about?" Amy blurted. "Of course I meant it."

"How can you possibly love me?" he countered. "I constantly spank you. I'm surprised you can even sit down properly."

"I am too," she immediately responded, blushing furiously.

"Not only that, but ever since you faked being sick, you haven't tried to get me to kiss you or even hold your hand. As much as I abhor those things, I have permitted them in certain contexts, being as they appear to be an indication to you of the advancement of our relationship. You seem to have relinquished those goals. That, in combination with this month's multitude of mutilating my possessions and otherwise derailing my existence, has in fact convinced me that you wish to end the relationship."

"Au contraire," she replied. "In fact, I'm more satisfied now with our relationship than I have ever been."

"Really?" he spat. His face lost all expression. "Because I'm not."

"How can you say that?" Amy said. "I have stopped nagging you for physical affirmation of our relationship. I give you your space. How is that not more ideal?"

Sheldon frowned.

"It's not more ideal in the least. My spot will always smell like coffee. I've had to get used to a new toothbrush. My mother thinks I hate Jesus because of what you called out while I was on the phone. Penny has avoided sitting on the couch based on some story you told her about my falsely having ringworm, and Koothrappali lately can't talk in my presence without drinking alcohol."

"Huh, what does Raj's speech problem have to do with me?"

"I think you told him that I was born a female or that I bizarrely contain a female fetus in fetu, which are both incorrect. If anything, I'd contain a male, being as my monozygotic twin would be my gender."

She barely stifled a laugh.

"Oh, I was only kidding around with him. I said you were attached to your sister at birth, and that one of her ovaries was still embedded in your patella. I made it very clear that it was a joke. Apparently that amount of estrogen is enough to silence Raj."

"I'm just not sure what to do with you," Sheldon said, crossing his arms. "Some of the things you have done are almost… diabolical."

"Are you not happy that I am in essence leaving you alone?" she asked. "No more cuddling or snuggling or any of the boyfriendly things you hate to do."

"I don't hate them," he replied. "In fact, I was… getting accustomed to them."

Amy gaped at him.

"What are you saying; that you would embrace them?"

"I might, if I didn't have to worry about your committing an endless stream of infractions all the while. My hand is tired. There are too many formulas that are begging to be written for me to waste my strength on punishment."

Sheldon stood up and sighed heavily.

"I need to get back over to my office. In the meantime, could you indicate to Raj that your cruel joke was just that, so that I can once again feel relatively comfortable sitting with them at lunch?"

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