Teach Me How to Say Goodbye
(Sorry to burden you guys with one more, but I am having a really hard time right now and I need to write something that will channel the emotions I'm suffering from. This will be a bittersweet, angsty one that is a slow burn Bya/Ren. Byakuya notices a change in Renji and finds out that he is going through a painfully familiar situation. As he watches his fukutaichou struggle, he finds himself offering what it seems no one else can give the grieving redhead. In the process, unexpected love blooms...but will it survive?)
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You stand with your feet on that path that I once traveled. Teary-eyed and brokenhearted, you move forward, but the icy wind cuts on all sides and the storm rails at you. When you cannot see, extend a hand in my direction. I know the way and I will lead you through.
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Chapter 1: Renji's Secret
Byakuya sat quietly at his desk, poring over the papers in front of him, as he did nearly every day, from his arrival at the sixth division until the beginning of the training exercises at midmorning when he accorded himself a break to walk in the public gardens, before returning to the office to continue. He felt an unusual dryness in his mouth and throat and glanced at the clock, then at Renji's vacant seat.
He is late again.
That is the third time this week. He had seemed to overcome his habit of arriving at haphazard times after Aizen was captured, and he continued to be exceedingly diligent about it...perhaps because we were training together then.
He frowned down at his still uncharacteristically thin body unhappily and shook his head.
Perhaps when I am cleared for training again, he will...
His thoughts were interrupted as the door slammed open and Renji burst into the room, looking somewhat harried.
"Abarai," he said quietly in greeting, adhering to his more recently formed habit of purposely not mentioning the redhead's infraction.
"I...I'm sorry, Taichou," Renji panted, hastily shoving Zabimaru into the sword stand behind his desk, then swearing as the stand detached from the wall and sword and stand crashed to the floor, "Damn it! Sorry, Taichou. I'll fix that...after I get your tea."
"That is fine, Renji. Take your time," he said, not looking up from his work.
Renji sighed heavily and picked up the fallen sword and stand, dropping them onto his desk before abandoning the office to go and make the noble's tea. Byakuya's mind, calmed by the arrival of his fukutaichou, returned to the paperwork in front of him, reports, troop deployments and general cleanup after the chaos of the war. The array of tasks recaptured his attention and he was soon distracted away from even wondering about Renji's continued lateness.
"Here ya' go, Taichou," the redhead said, a few minutes later, setting the tea carefully on Byakuya's desk, then accidentally knocking it over and watching in dismay as the hot liquid swiftly destroyed all of the work Byakuya had completed in the last two hours. The noble bit his lip gently and said nothing as Renji apologized profusely and began cleaning up the mess.
"It is fine," Byakuya said, shifting slightly to hide the fact that some of the tea had landed on his haori, leaving several odd dark patches.
The door to the office opened and Renji made a sound of relief as Rikichi flash stepped into the room, wearing an amiable smile.
"Good morning Kuchiki taichou, Abarai fukutaichou," he said cheerfully.
He slid to a stop, staring at the mess of tea, then at the fallen sword stand that laid on Renji's desk.
"Do you need me to give you a hand, Renji?"
"I think that would be a very good idea, Third Seat Rikichi," Byakuya said quietly, "Renji appears to be out of sorts today."
"Hey," the redhead said, shaking his head, "It's okay. I can handle it."
"But you have to lead the training maneuvers in just five minutes," Rikichi objected.
"He is right," Byakuya affirmed, not looking up.
"Shit, it's that late already?" Renji mused in a flustered voice, "S-sorry, Tai..."
"You needn't apologize," Byakuya assured him, "Just go. Rikichi said that he would manage things here."
Renji let out a frustrated breath.
"Yeah, sure...okay. Thanks, Rikichi."
"No problem," the youth said cheerfully.
"But, after I get done, I want you out there to train with me," the redhead said firmly, "I already owe you for watching my back in the war, so I'm gonna kick your ass around until you reach bankai. You got me?"
"Yeah, thanks Renji," Rikichi answered, blushing.
Taichou and third seat watched as Renji grabbed Zabimaru, then flash stepped out of the office. Rikichi shook his head, laughing softly to himself and starting to clean up the tea that had spilled on Byakuya's desk and papers. Byakuya gazed at him for a moment, then moved to help.
"Oh, you don't have to do that, Kuchiki taichou," Rikichi said cheerfully, "I have it."
"Ah, very well," said the noble, standing, "I shall go and find my other haori. Some of that tea managed to find its way onto this one."
"Huh?" Rikichi mused, blinking, "You knew that and you didn't do something right away to keep it from staining?"
"It will be removable," Byakuya said dismissively.
"But, you did that to spare Renji's feelings?" the youth went on curiously.
"He was already near the breaking point," Byakuya reasoned, "It would have been counterproductive to nudge him over."
"Oh...right," Rikichi said, mopping up the last of the tea and studying the papers to see which ones might be salvageable.
Byakuya exited the office, heading for his quarters and leaving Rikichi to the task of finishing the cleaning. He whistled softly as he worked and became so involved with it, that he almost didn't notice the squad door opening to admit a young man with stunning sapphire blue eyes, careless waves of satin black hair and an unusually friendly expression for one of the noble clans.
The youth sucked in a surprised breath and turned quickly, upsetting the teacup he had righted and sending it tumbling into the trash can.
"Oh...!"
The young noble smiled.
"Do you need some help, there, Rikichi-san?"
"Huh?" the younger man said, a blush roaring across his face, "Ah...no, I'm fine. I just. I was just a little clumsy is all."
He fished the teacup out of the trash can and set it on the tea tray, then picked up the tray to take it back to the squad kitchen.
"Are you here to meet Kuchiki taichou?" Rikichi asked, then realized what a stupid question it was.
That is the only reason he ever comes here.
"Yes," the noble answered, nodding, "Arashi and I are accompanying him back to the council hall for a meeting of the elders."
"Whew!" Rikichi mused, "Poor Kuchiki taichou has been in one meeting after another since the war ended. His powers had better return soon or he will wear himself out keeping up with it all."
"Oh, they will," Tetsuya assured him, "In fact, they would have already, but he is performing a service for the clan that requires his powers be sealed for the duration. We are not allowed to discuss the details, but that service will be concluded soon and Byakuya-sama will be back to his normal self again."
"That will be good," Rikichi concluded, "He must be getting bored with just sitting in here and filing reports all of the time. And poor Renji-san is being run ragged."
"Yes, Byakuya-sama has mentioned that he seemed somewhat rattled lately. Is he all right?"
"I think so," Rikichi replied, "But I think there was bad news about a friend he has who lives in the upper Rukongai."
"Oh?" queried Tetsuya, looking surprised, "I hadn't heard. He hasn't mentioned it when we've talked."
"Well," said Rikichi, scratching the back of his neck, "He's really private about it. He's been going there a lot when he's not working. And he rushes back to get to work."
"Ah, Byakuya-sama has been wondering why he was late several times," Tetsuya mused, "So, he is caring for his friend? Why does he not take some leave time?"
"Well, with Kuchiki taichou not having his powers and Renji-san worrying so much about him since he was nearly killed before, he can't make himself ask, I think."
"But, Byakuya-sama would, of course, grant him the leave. And I could assist him with the duties here as well as you so that he could be with his friend..."
"Renji-san takes pride in being Kuchiki taichou's fukutaichou," Rikichi explained, "He can't bring himself to leave right now, so he is really burning the candle at both ends."
He started to say more, but broke off as Byakuya returned to the room, wearing his clean haori and carrying the stained one over an arm.
"Would you like me to take that to the cleaners?" Rikichi offered, "I'll see that stain is removed."
"Thank you. I would appreciate that," said the noble, "Just be discreet. Do not bother Renji with it. Take care of it quietly."
"Sure thing, Kuchiki taichou!" Rikichi said, accepting the haori and flash stepping away.
Byakuya watched as he left, then turned his eye onto his younger cousin, who stood, also looking after Rikichi, his cheeks lightly flushed and an unusual flutter in his reiatsu.
"He's very energetic," Tetsuya observed quietly, "He always seems busy with something."
The hint of a smile touched the clan leader's lips.
"He is at that," Byakuya agreed, "He is a good, kind person. And one who is growing in power. Renji is sure that he will reach bankai at some point. I was not so sure, at first. But I must admit that he has surprised me with his persistence and determination. But then, you have been out watching him a few times, ne?"
"Eh," Tetsuya said, the flush on his face and throat deepening, "Yes...a few times while Arashi and I were waiting for you. I did go out to watch him."
Byakuya placed a hand on Tetsuya's shoulder, seeking his blue eyes and noticing the slight wistfulness in them.
"Do not worry. Our service to the clan will be done soon and you will have my blessing to see him romantically, if you wish."
"You...are not angry?" Tetsuya asked tentatively.
"No, of course not," Byakuya said solemnly, "You are not required to give your heart for this service. The clan only wants that the heir will have strong genetic traits. And you and I are both taichou level with bankai. That is why you were chosen to see this through with me."
"But I was rather hoping that Byakuya-sama would fall in love again someday."
Byakuya gave him a tolerant smile.
"Making an heir for the family does not preclude me falling in love again. But in truth, I do not want to fall in love, Tetsuya. My heart was burdened enough by it before. Better to depend on one like you who is the closest to me, but not in love. Love is a beautiful thing, certainly, but losing the one I loved is something I would not want to endure twice."
"I understand," said Tetsuya, returning his smile, "That is why I accepted"
"And I am grateful," Byakuya assured him, "But come now. The elders will be waiting to continue the preparation ritual."
Tetsuya nodded silently and followed him out of the squad room, then waited as he mounted the younger noble's tall, black Arabian stallion.
"Good morning, Arashi," Byakuya said, acknowledging the beast.
The horse nickered softly in response and turned his graceful head to sniff briefly at the clan leader as he climbed on.
Good morning, Byakuya-sama.
Tetsuya mounted behind his cousin and needed only a thought to nudge the stallion into motion. The two men were quiet at first, enjoying the lingering coolness in the air and the fine breath of sakura that touched them as they proceeded past the public gardens. But as they moved on past the gardens, Byakuya found himself thinking back to the morning's events.
"Renji was late again today," he commented, not really meaning to say the words aloud."
"Oh," replied Tetsuya, "He is doing quite a lot of that lately."
"Yes."
"Rikichi-san confided in me that Renji-san has a sick friend he has been helping to care for in the upper Rukongai."
"Oh?" Byakuya queried, "I hope it is not serious."
"I think it is, unfortunately," Tetsuya admitted, "That is what has him so unnerved."
"I see. I wonder that he didn't simply request some leave time. I would have granted it to him, even if he did not want to explain why."
"I believe he knows that," Tetsuya said hesitantly, not wanting to damage his cousin's pride by confessing what he knew were the reasons.
But it seemed he needn't have worried.
"Ah," Byakuya went on, "He does not want to go on leave while I am like this."
Tetsuya glanced at him briefly, but didn't answer.
"It is all right," the clan leader assured his cousin, "It is no affront to call me 'weak' right now. I am powerless."
"Stop talking that way," Tetsuya chided him, "Powers or no powers, nothing about you is weak, Byakuya-sama. And anyway, as soon as our bodies have been sufficiently prepared, my powers will be sealed away for the mating as well."
"But I am weak," Byakuya insisted, "It is a simple fact. And because of that, Renji feels he has to hide this from me."
They walked on for a time in silence as the two considered the redhead's predicament.
"I think that I need to confront him," Byakuya said finally, "We can work around his absence. He needn't overtax himself."
Tetsuya smiled.
"Well, as much as I think Renji-san will appreciate the gesture, you do know how stubborn he is. He won't want to leave you alone to run things when you are on desk duty."
"Nonsense, Rikichi is making excellent progress."
"But, he does not yet have a bankai," Tetsuya reminded him.
"And most of the fukutaichous who assist the other taichous do not have a bankai," Byakuya countered, "Besides, you have a bankai, at least until our mating is done. I will just have to talk some sense into him."
"Talk sense into Renji-san?" Tetsuya mused, smirking, "You are joking, ne?"
"Ah, he is rather headstrong about my safety," Byakuya sighed, shaking his head, "Well, he is just going to have to let someone else handle it this time."
He swallowed hard as a memory of Hisana tugged painfully at his heart.
"This is someone who he feels close to, and he should be at his friend's side now."
"I agree," Tetsuya said softly, "But convincing Renji-san to leave you is not something that will be easy to do. He carries a lot of guilt about what happened before."
"Well, he shouldn't," Byakuya said with finality, "The responsibility for that is mine. It was my failure. I am this company's taichou and it was my job to protect my men. I failed to do that and a large number of my men died because of that. Renji and I almost died because of it. I will not let such a thing happen again. Not ever."
Tetsuya sighed.
"You still haven't forgiven yourself, have you?" he said sadly, "Byakuya-sama, that wasn't..."
"But it was," Byakuya insisted, "And it is now causing Renji to worry about me unnecessarily. But I will not allow that. When we return, I am going to have a talk with him."
But I think we know just how far that will go, Tetsuya mused inwardly, After all, this is Renji-san we are talking about.
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"Hey," Renji said, smiling down at the raven-haired woman in the bed in front of him.
"Renji, you are early," the woman commented, "Why?"
"Actually, I just took a long lunch so that I could come down here."
He moved forward and removed a cluster of dying sakura blossoms from a vase by the bed, then cleaned the vase and freshened it with new blossoms. He set it back at the woman's bedside and sat down, slipping a hand into hers and leaning forward to kiss her on the forehead, then on her soft, too warm lips.
"You didn't have to do this," the girl chided him, "I am doing fine and I don't need you exhausting yourself running back and forth just to come and hold my hand."
She met his eyes earnestly.
"We both know that I do not have much longer to live, Renji."
"Shut up. I know that, okay?" the redhead said, his brown eyes growing sad, "I get it. But, you know, you were there for me when things were really bad, and now I'm gonna be there for you."
"I appreciate that, Renji. I do," the woman assured him, "But I don't want you doing that at the expense of your own health. This is not good for you."
"Well," Renji said with finality, "it's what I need to do. I won't leave Kuchiki taichou unguarded, and I won't leave you alone, not after all you've done for me. I love you, and I am going to take care of you, okay? So just leave off trying to kick me out."
The girl looked up at him, frowning disapprovingly.
"I am not kicking you out," she said with mock affront, "And you should stop rewriting history. I am not the one who has your heart, Renji. I never have been...and that is all right."
"Stop it, will you?" Renji objected, "I don't want to talk about him right now."
"Why not? He is the reason I have you in my life," the girl acknowledged, "If not for your unrequited love for Kuchiki Byakuya, you would not have noticed me at all."
"Hey, I said to quit that, all right?" Renji said, tears coming to his eyes, "I'm over all of that. I got over that stupidity a long time ago. I'm never gonna be with that guy. He's a noble, first of all. He's my taichou, second, and besides, after the way I failed him, I don't deserve him. Come to think of it, I don't deserve you either."
He sighed again, more heavily, closing his eyes and bringing the woman's hand up to his face.
"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry that I got you caught up in all of that. It was really, really dumb and insulting to you."
"It was sweet," the girl said, smiling, "And I was happy that I could make you happy, even if it was only for a little while. You are a beautiful, loving person, Renji. And someday, your taichou will see that. You shouldn't give up."
"Be quiet, now," Renji chided her, "You should try to get some sleep before that pain medication wears off. Don't worry. Kuchiki taichou will be gone for a while, they said. I can stay for another hour or so before I have to get back."
"Oh, very well," the woman said, shaking her head, "I suppose there's no stopping you."
"Nope," Renji said, grinning and kissing her fingertips, "You're stuck with me, I'm afraid."
"Well, as selfish as it is, I admit I'm glad," the girl said, closing her eyes, "Your love is a very precious thing, Abarai Renji."
"Thanks, Sakiko."
He sat quietly at her side, watching until he was sure she was sleeping.
Then, he let the carefully held back tears fall.