A/N: The text in italicized bold is direct quotations from the book, New Moon. This is deviating a bit from my usual Jacob/Bella endgame. Thank you for giving it a chance. x3

Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer, the creator of Twilight.

Chapter 1

BPOV

Get up.

Get ready.

Go to school.

Zone out during classes.

Nod and fake smile at appropriate times.

Go home.

Do homework.

Clean.

Cook Charlie dinner.

Nod and fake smile at certain points to keep him from worrying further.

Go upstairs.

Lay on bed trying not to think about Ed-him.

Take a shower.

Put off going to bed as long as possible.

Finally go to bed.

Wake up screaming in the middle of the night while also waking Charlie.

And repeat.

This is what my day consisted of. Every. Single. Day. Though on some days I mixed it up with a shift here and there at Newton's. But other than that, everything was the same.

Renee keeps worrying over the phone line to Charlie. Charlie keeps worrying over the phone line to Billy. And repeat.

I felt like I was stuck in some lower level dimension of Hell that consisted of a B-movie version of Groundhog Day, starring me, only I don't use each day to become a better person or get closer to the one I want to be with.

Nope. Not at all.

It's not for lack of desire to want to get closer to the one person in the world I want to be with. He just doesn't want to be with me.

Charlie was threatening to send me to Jacksonville again and this time around, I just didn't have the energy to placate him. There was no way I was going to put myself through another movie with Jessica. Not that she would say yes anyway. She still hadn't forgiven me for the last time.

Eventually, as I began to hang out with Jacob and he worked on the bikes, I did start to feel a little better. Almost like for five minutes, I could breathe again. He had become my fresh breath of air, my balm for the hole in my chest. It was still there; it would always be there, but it was getting better.

I was so grateful for Jake. If he hadn't come back into my life when he did, if I hadn't gone to see him about the bikes, I didn't know if I'd be worse off now or still the same. Most likely the same.

I even began to enjoy spending my time with him. Every once in a while, I found myself laughing genuinely or a small smile escaping without my initial notice. He was healing me. He wouldn't heal me completely; I would never be whole again. But, he was helping to pick up the pieces and put them back together again.

Charlie was relieved when I spent more and more of my time down at La Push. Soon, Renee was relieved, too, though she was still worried, I could tell. I tried my best to sound normal and upbeat as possible when responding back to her emails now. I felt somewhat guilty for subjecting her to my zombie phase these past few months. Anyone could tell she was happy, loving her life, with Phil and enjoying every moment of it. What right did I have to bring my neverending despair and apathy along with my robotic responses into her life? I couldn't do that to her. So, if I had to fake it, I faked it.

The only person it felt like I wasn't faking it with these days was Jacob. He never pushed me about him. He never made me feel abnormal or wrong for feeling the way I did. He never gave up on me like so many had. He was a true godsend.

But, somehow, the Cullens-he still got to me. The nightmares certainly hadn't gone away though they were starting to taper off some which I knew to be Jake's influence and the warmth he brought to me each time I saw him. But on the days I didn't, the hole hurt worse than it had the day before when I had seen Jacob, like the stitches he was sewing carefully each visit had reopened and ruining all of his work. I felt the numbness take hold of my body, I found my mind trying to check out, to think about or focus on anything that wouldn't make me think of them.

But, like any addict, I had my setbacks. I was never supposed to go cold turkey; there was no rehab facility I could be checked into that could cure this...condition. And so, when I would go backward a few steps, a memory would slip past my defenses and take brutal hold of me. When that happened, all my resistance that I had been building with Jake's help came crashing down and my next visit to La Push would be square one.

Right now was one such setback. I have absolutely no idea what possessed me to come here. I was due to visit Jacob so this should not have even been a possibility today but somehow, here I was, standing at the bottom of the porch steps of their house.

I couldn't go any further. I couldn't look inside through the glass windows. I just couldn't. I was afraid I would find it all empty thus proving to me even more that the Cullens had never existed or worse, that they had but left me. Just like him.

I knew I was never good enough for him. How could I be? I was a mere human and they were practically gods. Immortals among us mere mortals. How could I ever be enough to join such a family as theirs? How could I have ever deluded myself into believing I would one day be one of them?

I didn't know which hurt the most, not being enough for him or enough for his family. Either way, the pain was great and it was consuming me more and more with each passing second. The longer I stood here, the deeper I was pulled into devastating despair.

"Why?" I whispered, not even realizing I had spoken until the word was out.

It began to drizzle, like always, here in Forks, but it barely registered in my mind. Only the pain mattered.

And it brought me right back to that day Edward had left me in the woods. Each word remembered sliced into me, again and again as I replayed them.

I'm tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella.

My eyes shut tightly.

You're not good for me, Bella.

The rain picked up and I was soaking wet but that didn't matter.

You're human-your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind.

As if he had never been a part of us once upon a time. As if he was so different from me. He was in all honesty and I knew I would never be enough. I just never expected to be thrown aside so carelessly, like I didn't matter.

My kind, we're very easily distracted.

My hands curled into fists at my sides.

I won't come back.

I struggled to breathe. The hole was spreading through my whole chest. It burned severely.

We won't bother you again.

I panted loudly, trying to steady my breathing, trying to keep myself from falling completely down the black hole.

I've let this go on much too long.

The burn magnified and I felt it crawling up inside my body, up towards my collar bone.

You don't want me?

No.

The tightness and the heat spread to my throat. I felt as if I would succumb to it any second. The pain was just too much.

My world is not for you.

It was choking me. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move.

It will be as if I'd never existed.

I froze, my body going completely rigid.

They're gone.

Goodbye, Bella.

A clean break would be better for you.

Goodbye, Bella.

Time heals all wounds for your kind.

My kind, we're very easily distracted.

You're not good for me, Bella.

I've let this go on much too long.

The painful heat clawed out of my throat into a ferocious scream. "WHY!?"

With that one sound, whatever had bound my body still was broken. My head whipped around, looking for something, anything. I grabbed small rocks and began to throw them at the house.

"WHY?! WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?! WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?! WHY?!"

I threw with all the strength I could muster and when I heard a few crashes, they didn't faze me. When I ran out of rocks, I raced up the steps and pounded my fists on the front door.

"How dare you do this to me?! I loved you! I still love you! I would've done anything for you! I would've died for you, given up my soul for you! Why, Edward? Why?!"

I kicked at the door angrily. "If you didn't want me, then why did you make me fall in love with you? Why even talk to me? Why come back at all? WHY?!"

I threw myself at the door, punching it, kicking it, elbowing it, taking my frustration out on it any way I could. It wasn't my norm, I wasn't a violent person, but where in the last few months had I gone back to normal?

I hit the door so hard, I hurt my hands but I ignored the pain and continued to beat the wood. After all, there was a far greater pain in my chest that consumed me daily. A few cuts and bruises were nothing.

The door hadn't given way, seeing as I was small to begin with and weak, but now even moreso since I had lost some weight. I slapped at it and continued to demand why. Why would Edward do this to me? Why? Why had I fallen for him? Why had I believed him? Why wasn't I enough for him? Was giving up my life and damning myself for eternity as he believed not enough for him? Did he think he wouldn't want me after I was changed? Was I really just a distraction.

I punched the wood twice more and winced when a sharp pain stabbed into my hand. I cradled it in my left one and slid down to the porch, sitting up against the side of the door, crying nonstop.

"Why, Edward?" I sobbed. "Why would you use me like that? Why wasn't I enough for you? Why didn't you love me back? I begged you to turn me! I did! Why was that not enough?"

I pulled my knees up to my chest and laid my head down against them. My body shook uncontrollably but whether that was due to the sobs or the cold rain, I really had no idea nor did I care.

My world was ending. This was worse than the day he had left me. Way worse.

I heard a whooshing sound next to me and felt a slight rush of air. I didn't even have time to react or ponder what it could be when I was picked up in two strong arms. So I was doomed to die by vampire after all. Instead of Edward being the one to kill me, some nomad now would finish me off. I prayed it wouldn't hurt Charlie or Jacob too much. And my mom, I really hoped Phil would take care of her and keep her from being too sad.

"Shhh. There, there, Bella. Don't cry. Shhh, sweetheart." I knew that voice.

I gasped and lifted my head to see two golden eyes staring back at me.

"C-C-Carlisle?"

He nodded and pulled me closer to his chest. "I'm here. It's going to be okay."

I burst into broken sobs and threw my arms around him, crying into his neck. "D-Don't l-l-leave me. Please!"

"Shhh. I'm not leaving, Bella. It's going to be alright. Let's get you inside and get you dry before you catch cold."

I felt air rushing past me but I never looked up, only clasped my arms around him tighter. The next thing I knew, I was being lowered down onto what felt like the couch. He started to pull away but I strengthened my grip on him.

"No, no. Don't. Please, don't go."

He let out a sad sigh and re-positioned us so I was in his lap as he stroked my back.

"I'm not going anywhere, Bella. I promise you that. I'm not going anywhere."

I nodded, sobbing pitifully, and rested my forehead against his neck. He let me cry for the next ten minutes, holding him to me in a death grip, and still continued to whisper reassurances to me. He promised he wouldn't leave but he wanted to get me dry. I kept refusing to let him go. If I changed that would mean he would be out of my sight for a few minutes and then he might leave again. I couldn't let him do that to me.

"Bella," he pleaded. "You're shaking. I don't want you falling ill. Please let me grab you some clothes so you can change. Please."

"T-Th-Then you'll l-leave."

He laid his cheek against my wet hair. "No, I wont. I promise, I'm not going anywhere. Unless you don't do as I ask and then I'll have to take you to the hospital and admit you so you can fight off the fever and cold that I know is coming."

I took a ragged breath and sniffled, trying to breathe normally again. "I don't want to go to the hospital."

He chuckled lightly. "I didn't think you did. Will you please change into some dry clothes then?"

I slowly lifted my head and stared right at him. "I don't have anything with me."

"You can borrow something of Alice's. I'm sure she has something that you can change into."

I swallowed thickly and dropped my eyes to my lap. "You won't leave?"

He sighed again and lifted my chin so he could look at me. "No. I promise you I will not leave this house without you."

I sniffled and nodded my reluctant acquiescence. "Okay."

He smiled and within seconds he had us up in front of Alice's room. He gently lowered me to my feet and unlocked my arms from around his neck. He held onto my right arm and frowned down at my hand. "What happened here?"

I bit my lip in shame. I didn't know how much he had seen or heard before he came to me on the porch but I didn't want to go into it. Not now.

"Nothing."

His fingers prodded at the broken skin carefully. I winced when he reached a particularly tender spot.

"That might be a sprain. I'll take a better look at it after you've changed into something dry." He squeezed my left hand and opened Alice's door for me. "I'll be right downstairs if you need me. I'm going to make you some hot tea so you can warm up. Would you like to take a hot shower? That might be preferable."

I lifted my eyes to his and shook my head. That would be too long away from him. It was bad enough he was going to be out of my sight for the next five minutes.

He glanced at me sadly and nodded once. "Alright. Change and come see me in the kitchen when you're ready."

I nodded and turned to walk into the room when Carlisle's hand on my shoulder stopped me. I glanced back at him questioningly.

"Does Charlie know you were here?"

I shook my head again. He leaned down slightly and kissed the top of my head. "Okay. I'll drive you home then so he doesn't worry about where you are."

My eyes widened and I turned back towards him. "No, I'm not going home. Not now, Carlisle, please."

He hugged me to his chest and squeezed me affectionately. "Easy, Bella. I didn't mean right now. We should discuss things first. Alright?" I nodded against him and he stepped back, squeezing my shoulder one last time.

"Go change and I'll see you downstairs in a few minutes."

I nodded again and he smiled at me before darting down the stairs. He disappeared into the kitchen and I did my best to ignore the sick feeling building in my stomach. He's just in the kitchen. The kitchen. He wasn't going anywhere. He said he wouldn't. Relax, Bella, and do what he told you to do.

I stared longingly at the door he had just disappeared into for a couple of seconds more before forcing myself to turn around and walk into Alice's bedroom. I pinched my right arm quickly as I made my way to the large closet. Nope, still here. As I grabbed an outfit I quickly threw together, I prayed fervently that this indeed wasn't a dream and that Carlisle was really here and no matter what he came back for, that he wasn't leaving me as he and the rest of his family had done before.

First written/posted: 6/18/12

Re-Edited: 10/29/16