Truth to be told... I have no idea who I was writing about. I just was moping about the summer reading when the digimon episode came on, and (oddly enough) it inspired me to write angst. What can I say? Anything's better than writing a two page essay on Medieval People. Technically, I pro'bly should've worked on the tournie instead... but...
While I filed this under Yu Yu Hakusho, the main charries I was thinking of as I wrote this were Hiei (YYH), Kouichi (Digimon), and Yuki (Fruits Basket), though there are plenty of others this applies to (including Kenshin, Naruto, etc.). The pairs I was thinking of... you may be able to determine that on your own. I'd be curious if you would tell me who/which pairing this reminded you of. I actually have no idea how the heck romance crept into this...
Disclaimer: I don't own... whatever show this is about.
This is it. This is where it all ends. I was born from darkness, and so it was destiny that I would return from whence I came.
I cannot say I will regret my death... I have known nothing that shall be missed: pain has been my lone companion all these years. Pain... and blood. Many times I was decieved into believing I had at last found someone to trust, a creature who understood the burden I carried around my heart, heavier than any physical bondings could ever be. As many times as I trusted, I was betrayed. For who could want someone such as me, a broken toy cast aside in the shadows? Who could bear to touch me, when to show me kindness would only infect them with my curse?
Who could love one such as I?
Once... once I thought in my naïvete that I was cared for. A shield of cold, numbing my feelings, rested around my heart, but I was foolish enough to let that one hope pass through. I held it close; my light in the dark void of my soul.
There were times when I thought that I would look inside and find that tiny glow extinguished. Yet even when I came close to hurting you, even if I did hurt you, the light was always there, beating back the shadows of doubt that so frequently plagued my mind. Before long, I found myself basking in the warmth of that illumination.
Though I had never feared anything in my life, standing unfalteringly even in the face of death, this I could not understand. This... sent terror pulsing through my body. As I felt myself drawing even closer, felt myself becoming more and more dependent, so grew my paranoia that I would be abandoned. I began to show weakness, and I knew I was quickly turning into a docile pet, submissive to the light that so fascinated me. Your light had me hypnotized, trapped beneath it's enthralling spell.
And yet, perhaps even more alarming, I discovered I had no wish to disentangle myself.
I loved just the feeling of being near you, knowing I was not completely alone in the world, as I so often had been before we met. Despite my strength, despite anything I permitted the world to see, I am shy, even meek. They would scoff if they knew; it would be impossible for anyone to understand the horrors of my life and still accept me, despite the atrocities I have commited. It would be impossible for anyone to understand why I must protect myself.
And yet... you did.
And when I realized that, that was when it truly got out of hand. I allowed you to breach my defenses, for you I lowered the walls. I yearned for your gentle touch; I would have done anything to make you smile. For the first time, I allowed myself to love, but I did not even truly know what love was myself. You would teach me that.
But like all other times in my life, the light could not hold out long against such darkness as possessed my soul. This time, however, was different. When my light was taken, when I was no longer allowed to touch its soothing glow, I found my icy shields shattered, replaced by a burning rage. I would seek out the one who had stolen my light. I would find them, and I would make them feel the same agony I now felt: the agony of darkness rushing back where there was once light, the anguish of desolation returning where hope had been.
When I found you, it was too late to protect you. The light... my light... I could no longer see it. I could not stop them from stealing you away. And now, I could not have you back. For all my coaxing, nothing could change what was. I was never meant to have hope. I was never meant to be a vessel for anything but the hatred and hurt that the rest of the world was unable to hold.
I was never meant to love.
I had opened up, and it had hurt me. I had cried, and no one cared. I had loved, and I had lost. I never realized till then...
...how much of a coward I was.
I have been used... used so very many times. Used by the world as a sacrifice to drown in their sorrows, hoping it will appease the demons that haunt them. I did not want to be used again. So I sealed myself up, hiding beneath layers of numbness even my own thoughts could not touch. But it was because... I was scared. I pretended I did not need friendship or love; I pretended so well I fooled not only others, but myself as well.
Others think I am courageous, as I will fight without showing any doubt of my confidence in victory. Yet I am not brave. I am a little child, huddling deep inside of myself where I cannot be hurt.
Maybe... maybe if someone hurts me enough, I can escape the true pain I feel. That is what I thought, what I truly believed. So when challenged, I would fight without fail, hoping I could forget the trials of the past and the doubts of the future. I wanted, more than anything, to escape.
I am the darkness.
No one can see who I truly am. No one even tries. Someone did, once. And they were pulled down into the bowels of the murky dark as well.
I am afraid of tomorrow.
I am scared even now. Trying to escape life by seeking comfort in the arms of the Shadow Lover rather than facing life.
This is the end of the line.
No one will miss me. No one will remember me. No one will ever know the truth...
I am afraid of the dark.
Y'know, that got depressingly cliché-ish towards the end. I'm disappointed in myself; I mean, you always see moping like this. I tried adding my own twist to it though.
In any case, the tournament is by no means forgotten, it's just I've been working on about a billion other fanfics too. i'm limited (from now on) to posting on weekends, as I am allowed no un-school-related internet/computer/tv/video game/life time during the week. So don't expect updates too fast, 10th grade is hard. I may post something tomorrow tho', since it's my birthday.
So's... didja like it? Who'd it remind you of? Why the heck was I writing this in the first place? Reviews are, as always, appreciated. Ja ne!