Nurse Jackie S5

I own nothing.

Making Amends

"Hello?"

Jackie's shock at seeing the name on the caller ID of her cell phone was genuine. From the sound of her voice the man on the other end of the line could see it on her face very well in his mind's eye. Being the bastard that he was it made him smile.

"I need to talk to you," he said in that deep baritone that she hadn't heard in almost a year. As was his typical way it sounded more like a command than a request.

"Hmm..." she replied quietly, unable to get out any other word or words that could fully and accurately reflect anything that she was feeling or properly address his request. She hung up the phone on him.

In his apartment, where he stood looking out of the window at the busy street below, he shook his head and repeated what she said; he chuckled softly to himself as he stared at his cell phone which seemed to mock him with its display reading "CALL TERMINATED" just a bit too long for his comfort; finally it disappeared to reveal the home screen. "Yeah..." he said out loud as he groaned deeply, "...terminated. Right."

Jackie, back at the bar where she had been when she'd gotten his call, told her new friends that she was hanging with from work simply that she had to go and that she'd had a great time. After they'd all said their good night's and she was heading for the door she had to laugh at herself. This truth-telling thing is a real kick in the pants, she thought to herself as she shook her head in real amazement. She thought back to the days when lying—about anything, no matter how mundane—was something she did automatically, on general principle; she reveled in how freeing it was to finally have nothing to hide. From anyone. Not Grace or Fiona; or Kevin; or Ellie; or Eddie; or sweet, sweet Zoey. There were no more secrets, at home or at work and she was loving it.

Being off her Percocet—well, that she was not loving. Every day she was not loving it, but she was learning to deal with it and knew that she would always be dealing with it. She was finally able to be honest about that, too. But it was hard; the hardest thing she'd ever had to do in her life. Every damn day it was hard. And getting harder. She tried to take her mind off of that and concentrated then on just making it out of the bar and to the street to hail herself a cab. Twenty minutes later she was standing out on the sidewalk in front of his building.

He was staring into a glass of vodka when his buzzer rang.

"I'm here," she said simply. He buzzed her in. When he opened the door for her he was amazed to see a smile break across her face. The look on his confirmed that he couldn't believe that she had actually shown up.

"Well, you gonna let me in or not?"

He stepped aside and let her in then closed the door softly behind him. He noticed her checking his place out as he walked up behind her. "Yeah, I thought it was about time for a change of scenery," he said as she continued to survey all the boxes throughout the place.

"I can see that." She turned to face him. "How are you, Dr. Cruz?"

"C'mon, Jackie, not now...not after what we've been through together," he chided her.

"How are you, Mike?" she asked him then as the features on her face softened even more.

"I'm fucked, but I deserve it, right? Pull up a box and have a seat," he said as he directed her to the middle of the living room where two accommodating stacked boxes were already waiting for her. "I like the hair, by the way," he said of her shoulder length locks.

"Thanks. You shipped out the furniture already?"

"Yeah—everything except the bed." He gave her a challenging look.

"C'mon, Mike, cop a squat and talk to me. That's what you called me here for, right?" Jackie kept her demeanor pleasant, but also cool, reserved and totally no-nonsense.

"Yeah, sure..." he said as he did just that. "Look," he began, as he sat on his stack of boxes across from her, "I'm outta here at the end of the week and I couldn't go without saying thank you; thank you for being there for Charlie. Thank you for being there for me."

Jackie wanted to reach and take one of his hands into both of her own but thought better of it. She wanted to tell him how much she missed Charlie and how she wished she could have done more, but thought better of that, as well. She settled herself inwardly because she knew that if she said too much of anything she would start to cry and she didn't think Cruz would appreciate her tears. Not at all. She comported herself further by taking a deep breath before she spoke again. "You're welcomed. How are, you, Mike—really?"

"Well, honey, that question is as loaded as the gun in my desk drawer, let me tell you. It's a day-by-day kinda thing—but you know about that, huh?" He realized as soon as he said it that what he meant had come out all wrong. "Hey, I didn't mean it..."

"No offense taken, Mike," she told him sincerely. "Really...I get it."

"I wish he had gotten it," he said bitterly. "I wish he had been able to get even a little bit of it." Mike looked away from her and uttered a silent curse, then back at her again. "I know I was the problem; I was the reason why he couldn't. My boy is not here, Jackie, and it's all my fault. I know that. You want to know how I am? I've been taking a good, long, hard look at myself this past year and I ain't been liking what's been looking back, you know?"

Jackie sat quietly, determined just to listen. She didn't think he would appreciate her two cents about Charlie, especially the fact that she would always believe in her heart that it had been an accident; a total and terrible miscalculation; because Cruz had had finally reached out to him, really reached out to him, and in his own way, Charlie had finally been trying to reach back. She just felt that someone making an effort like that wouldn't just check out. They shared an awkward silence.

"You're awful quiet," he said at last, his thick brows furrowed at her suspiciously.

"I don't know what to say, Mike," she answered him honestly.

"Oh, I think you do," he countered.

"You know, Mike, I tried to stay out of things, not just because I found out that you were his father and my boss...but because I knew he needed you more than he could ever need me. Or should have. And I'm sorry our relationship made you angry. But, I really cared about him. I wasn't trying to be in your way."

"That's it?"

"That's all I got right now. What am I doing here?" she asked out loud, more of herself than from him.

Mike felt the tears beginning to well up in his eyes; he got up to go make himself a fresh drink at the wet bar on the other side of the room and pull himself together before he embarrassed himself in front of her. "I'd offer you a drink, but I figure you probably stay away from that, too, huh?" he said over his shoulder at her before he downed the contents of his freshly-poured shot of vodka.

"Uh, yeah, I'm a Shirley Temple kind of girl these days," she said as she stood up and collected herself.

"Where are you going?" he asked her angrily when he turned around to find that she had picked up her purse from the floor and slung it over her shoulder.

"I...I should go," she said uneasily.

"No, stay...I didn't even take your coat...give me your coat, huh?" He set his empty glass down and walked toward her.

"No, no...I should..." she twisted her body around nervously and pointed at the door, then turned back to him, "I should really get going, you know?"

"Why? You got a new boyfriend or something? A hot date to get to?" he looked pointedly at her. "Your babysitter turns into a pumpkin at midnight? What?"

"C'mon, Mike—you know this isn't a good idea..."

"What, two old friends spending some time together? That's a crime these days?" he asked her, appearing to Jackie to be growing angrier by the moment. He was standing before her then and reached out his hand to stroke her hair; Jackie recoiled from him, badly thrown off kilter by his angry words and tender touch. "Oh, come on, Jackie," he laughed lightly at her, "you're not afraid of little old me, are you?"

"Look, you're slightly intoxicated and very emotional right now—and it's not like we're two old war buddies, okay?" she began uncomfortably as she pushed his hand away from her; he took it back forcefully and held it up high, as if her was about to lead her in a dance.

"Aren't we? I'd say that's exactly what we are." The look on his face and the tone of his voice was menacing.

Jackie looked at their clasped hands and found herself as immobile as a deer caught in the path before the blinding glare of oncoming headlights. "Hey, Mike—whatever it is you think you're doing? You don't want to do that," she told him firmly, really beginning to worry for her safety; she tried to extricate her hand from his.

"Don't I?" he asked her threateningly as he jerked her hand down and brought it to rest on his shoulder. "Don't I?" he asked again roughly as his arm encircled her small waist and yanked her forcefully into his embrace. "Don't I?" he whispered softly at her as he brought his lips closer to hers. "Don't you?"

"Mike, I..." Jackie tried to protest but Mike silenced her with his kiss. She was transported back to that morning so long ago where she had dreamed of just such a thing happening between them and the reality was shockingly, intensely—wickedly—more satisfying than she wanted to admit.

"Was I wrong?" he murmured at her after their lips parted. "Don't lie to me," he warned her.

"Lying's not my thing anymore, haven't you heard?" She blushed under the scrutiny of his glare but never took her eyes off of his.

"Yeah—I heard," he said before he kissed her again.

"Look, stop it, okay?" she said angrily as she broke out of his embrace. "What are you doing? What are we doing? I don't understand..."

"Really—you don't?" came his irritated voice.

"Okay, okay—I do, I get it; you're saying goodbye; to a place and a time that holds a lot of painful memories for you, I totally get it. So let's just do that, okay? Just...just say goodbye to me..."

"I'm not drunk, Jackie..." he cut her off as he approached her again, "and I am emotional right now. I'm not just looking to satisfy my curiosity here..." he removed her purse from her shoulder and let it drop down to the floor, then put his arms around her waist and drew her gently to him. "The first day I met you I knew I wanted to get between these wicked little bowlegs of yours..."

Jackie gasped at his crude revelation. "I'm not bowlegged..." she replied indignantly.

"Of course you are—this right here?" his hands dropped to caress the curve of her hips, "totally tantalizing. I know it must be a horrible prospect for you, " he smirked at her, "but I did keep it professional. And I watched you—boy were you something to watch. And I learned things about you—mainly what a brave, feisty little fighter you are. It takes a lot of guts...a real commitment to yourself and the people that you love to put the drugs down and face this fucked-up world and everything that life throws at you clean and sober; to own up to your imperfections but not let them define you. That's no small accomplishment, honey.

"And I learned some things from you, Jackie. You know, I used to be as good a doctor as you are a nurse," he told her, as if it was something he couldn't believe himself. "And then I got caught up in my own ambition. And that ambition cost me the most important thing in my life," he said bitterly then. "I thought there was hope for me, because I learned from you that I didn't have to do that anymore, it didn't have to cost me Charlie. There were moments with you, Jackie, when you and me and Charlie were together that just felt so...right, you know? Like we were a family. You had a way with him his own mother never had. When he said he'd go back to rehab if I didn't fire you? I fell in love with you right at that moment. I thought to myself, this is the kind of woman I want in my life, by my side and it was the cherry on top of my pie that you and my boy liked each other. But I was still a bastard, Jackie. I loved you and I resented you for becoming a part of him so easily, something I hadn't taken the time to do, in all honesty, and I took it out on you, anyway, and for that I'm truly sorry. In spite of all of it I thought my life had finally turned around and that I was going to get the chance to be the father that I always should have been for him. But I was too late for him, Jackie.

"So yeah, I'm leaving; been fired from my job, thank God; bought a little house away from the city, gonna start my own small private practice. It's what I want...what I need to get back to. And I am saying goodbye to some painful memories, Jackie, but you're not one of them. You're an amazing, magnificent woman..." Mike freed her gingerly from her coat and let it slip to the floor to join her purse. "I'm not saying goodbye to you, at all..." he said softly, concentrating his attention on the unbuttoning of her blouse. " I'm trying to say hello..." his deep voice, full of desire, was as tangible a caress as the one he was inflicting on her with his hand, the back of which was stroking her chin; he trailed it down the length of her neck, then between her breasts and onward, lightly grazing her stomach and sending her into a little swoon, mesmerized by the intent of his touch and more than surprised by the depth of his feelings for her. When his lips descended upon hers again she welcomed him without question.

How long had it been since she'd really been made love to by a man? Jackie asked herself the question as she gave herself over to him. She and Kevin hadn't in years; they'd made the effort to try and keep the fires burning—sex on the kitchen floor; quickies between their harried schedules, and what not—but it had always been exactly that, for so many years: an effort. The passion had died long before their divorce, long before she'd started with Eddie. And it wasn't just the rigors of family life that had zapped it to hell. She knew deep in her heart that Kevin had simply grown tired of her, tired of their life; tired of her drama. He loved Grace and Fiona, but Jackie knew that he was secretly yearning for more in his life whether he would ever admit it or not. But now he had a new life and it wasn't lost on her that he was he was a much happier man; happier without her than he had been with her for many, many years. He was still being an asshole to her, but he and the girls were ironing out some of the rough edges with each other; as for the two for them they were finally on the same page with each other and presenting a much more united front in their disciplining of the girls and for that she was grateful.

Then there was Eddie, who she had used as surely as she had used her drugs. She had never loved him and the rush of secret anybody-could-walk-in-on-us-any-minute-now sex had grown old very quickly. She obliged him for the medicinal favors he knew that she craved more than his body, plain and simple. It was a horrible situation and she cringed when she thought of all the times they literally banged around in the pharmacy and the bruises and backaches she'd suffered from fucking against cabinets and drawers and on top of hard tables trying to be hot and spontaneous. Eddie, despite the horrid dynamic of their previous relationship, was a good guy. But he was no lover. And Jackie hadn't been a good one, either. But this man was something else all together. His touch, the way he looked at her, the things he said to her and the way he said them, made her body burn for more; he made her feel like a woman desired. And she desired him.

"Hello, Jackie," he said when their lips parted.

"Hello, Mike," she smiled at him through the tilt of her head, her cheeks blushing red.

"I know some other things about you too, by the way," he said in a voice sweeter than she imagined him capable of being.

"Oh yeah? Like what?"

"I know about how the divorce went; I know about Grace's new school; I know about how Eddie is making your life miserable again—you need to cut him loose, honey—if getting you hooked again would help him get you back in the sack he'd fucking do it—in a heartbeat—don't kid yourself. And that fucking cop? He sounds like a nice guy but you're way out of his league..." he gave her a stern look.

Jackie tried to free herself from his embrace then, feeling immediately embarrassed and exposed, but more than that, extremely guilty at intruding further into the man's life in a way that he must have surely viewed as one liberty taken too many.

"I'm sorry, Mike...I know it was an indulgence of the worst kind..." Mike held her fast.

"I know that Dr. O'Hara left for London the day before your birthday and how much that devastated you; I know what a total dick your ex-husband is...I know how much you miss Charlie."

"You know, Mike, you've got me all off balance, here...us, right now, like this...I know that you hated me, and quite frankly I wasn't liking you too much, either, before Charlie..." Jackie couldn't finish her sentence.

"Look, if I was still mad about it you'd know it." He let that sink into her.

Jackie looked down at the floor unable to weather his gaze upon her.

"Didn't you ever stop and wonder why his phone was still working?" he asked her softly. "He had so much stuff in there—videos...pictures...a whole life without me was in that phone. I had a time trying to figure out the password to get into it," he said through a sad little chuckle. "I paid the bill on it, you know. And I kept on paying it at first just because—well, because I had to. At first I told myself that it was just to give me time to get the pictures and videos out, but I was having my conversations with him too, Jackie—that phone was my lifeline for a long time; then, God help me, I started reading his last text messages. And then your calls started coming in. So, don't feel so bad—we've both over-indulged ourselves here, huh?"

"I don't know what to say."

"Look, Jackie, let's not make this more complicated than it needs to be, huh? I told you that I was attracted to you the first day I met you, as rude and obnoxious as you were to me. If it hadn't been for that little fact, if I hadn't liked you—God knows you made me mad enough on more than one occasion to want to wring your damn neck and enjoy watching the life choke out of you, honey, huh? All of you motherfuckers, and I say that with great affection—you really gave me a harder way to go than was necessary.

"I was just trying to do my job, Goddammit. And none of you ever gave me any credit for understanding the method to your complete madness—and all of them followed you, Jackie—it was your way or the highway and then you all just fucking mutinied on my ass. Add to that what I was going through with Charlie—I had no control over anything in my life! You wouldn't listen to me at work; Charlie wouldn't listen to me at home and yet somehow you got in here the first day I met you," he said as he put a finger to his temple, "and stayed there, long before I knew you had any connection with him. Then later, God bless you, you sat right here in this room and tried to bring me and my son closer together—you got in here..." he pointed to his heart. "And as much as I loved you I treated you like shit because he let you in; because you bonded with him—and I know it wasn't just a rehab thing; you were with him like how you were—are—with everyone...so caring and so full of love. I was jealous," he confessed as he dropped to his knees and buried his face in her belly, sobbing his anguish and heartbreak into her.

"I've been trying to get my shit together, and most days I'm almost there. But I let him down, Jackie, his whole life I let him down; I failed him as a father, completely. I got everything—wrong; all of my priorities. He's not here because of me. And I wanted to blame anyone but myself then and I channeled it all into you, took it all out on you, anyway, and for that I'm truly sorry," he looked up at her then, his heartbreak written all over his face, "can you ever forgive me?"

"Oh Mike, c'mon," she began sadly, her whole heart going out to him completely, "I forgave you then. You've got to forgive yourself, now..." she took his face into her hands and nodded her reassurance at him through tears of her own. "Really, you have to. I don't know a lot; I don't have any of the answers but I do know that Charlie loved you, Mike...and whatever else was going on with him...I can't help but to believe that he knew that you loved him, too. And you don't owe me any apology, I owe one to you, because, fuck me, Mike and all of us at the hospital, but me most of all—Charlie knew that you were there for him; he was giving you the only credit that really mattered. I more than anyone shouldn't have been wasting your time with my fucking drama and bullshit. Once I found out who you were I should have been making it my business to rally the troops behind you instead of against you...I should have been able to step outside of my own bullshit to do that for you.

"I have done horrible things...to everybody..." she said in disgust as she peeled him away from her. "Everybody, for a good portion of my life. And how fucked-up is it that I'm just now really realizing that? You can't possibly love me, Mike. I did maybe one good thing for you and committed a hundred crimes against you that kept your focus from where it should have been—me...I did that." Jackie grabbed her purse and coat from the floor and backed slowly away from him. "You should hate me, Mike...you have every right to hate me."

"Jackie, no...don't say that..." he made to go to her.

"I...I failed him, too, Mike..." she was crying uncontrollably then. "I failed you." She headed for the door.

"Jackie...neither of us is blameless, let's just agree on that..." Mike reached her before she got to to the door. "Don't leave me now, Jackie—if you do that I really will never forgive you, I mean it."

"I am so not used to feeling all of these feelings!" Jackie tried to push him away from her but wasn't strong enough to do so. "I want my little blue pill so bad right now, do you know that? It's all I think about, Mike. This right here?" she pointed to him and then back at herself, "makes me want to dive into a vat of blue pills and never come out again. You can't possibly love me—you don't need a drug addict in your life, Mike."

"My son was a drug addict and I loved him," he told her softly.

His words literally took her breath away and Jackie started to hyperventilate.

"Breathe, baby; stay here with me, Jackie...work it out with me..." Mike gingerly took off her blouse and then walked her slowly over to a window and opened it; he sat on the ledge and settled her in his lap. "That's it, baby...breathe..."

"I feel like such a...I'm..." Jackie struggled to catch her breath.

"Stop that," he cut her off, "stop talking—that's an order," he said roughly.

After a time her breathing became less labored.

"Good, that's better..." he murmured into her soft hair. "Look, the way I see it, we're the only two people in the world that can help each other. I'm not afraid to ask you for your help. Please? Let me help you? This was inevitable, Jackie, you have to know that. So..." Mike released her, "no more words for a while, huh? I've got other things I want to do with my lips...and yours..." he brushed her hair away gently then gave her neck a tender kiss. "Come on..." he stood her up, took her hand then and led her on unsteady legs to his bedroom.