The disclaimer telling all of you that I do not own any Archer characters is having a nice meal at a reasonable price. This is just more insanity from my tiny little mind folks.
The Figgis Agency Is Out To Lunch
"Why did I let you two idiots talk me into this?" Mallory groaned as she followed Cheryl and Pam into a large elegant dining room.
"Because you love a free lunch more than you hate us," Pam said. "And it's your birthday so you think you're entitled to free stuff even more than usual. And since this is the world famous Tunt Green Restaurant…"
"Are you sure Carol or whatever her name is this week owns this place?" Mallory groaned.
"Pretty sure," Pam said.
"Fine," Mallory sighed. "I get why you're here Pam. Besides the food factor. You two are as thick as thieves in a glue factory. But why did you bring them too?"
"Because after the clown incident I figured she owed us," Ray snapped. Lana, Krieger and Cyril were there as well.
"Especially how you made me a waiter even though I'm the head of the agency!" Cyril snapped.
"Ugh how long are you going to bitch about that?" Cheryl groaned.
"I know, right?" Mallory sighed. "But this meal is free right Carol?"
"It's Cheryl and yes," Cheryl said. "You won't pay for it."
"And you're not going to set any fires?" Cyril asked.
"Jesus no!" Cheryl was exasperated. "Swearsies realisies! No fires! Happy?"
"And you do own this restaurant, right?" Lana asked.
"Yes!" Cheryl said. "But my crazy cousin Carol runs it. So you know we're going to get some attitude."
"You have a cousin Carol Tunt?" Pam asked. "And she's not rich?"
"Oh she's rich," Cheryl said. "Right up the ol'wazzo. But I kind of tricked her into working here with a long-term contract. Funny story."
"Which I am going to hear whether I like it or not aren't I?" Mallory groaned. "Again why am I here?"
"It is a break from the hospital," Lana told her. "Which honestly you need."
"We all need a break," Cyril agreed as they arrived at their table.
A woman wearing a chef's uniform with an uncanny resemblance to Cheryl walked over. Only she was blonde. "I should have known you'd show up sooner or later."
"Hello Carol," Cheryl grinned.
"Cheryl," Carol said simply.
"Look we're just going to save you some time," Cheryl said. "Bring out lots of scotch and drinks and pretty much everything on the menu."
"This is going to be like that fake birthday party, isn't it?" Carol snarled. "The one where you made a mess of everything and stuck me with the bill and cleanup!"
"Oh goody," Ray said in deadpanned tone. "Dinner theatre."
"Well since this is my actual real birthday…" Mallory sighed.
"How old are you now?" Ray sang.
"Shut up," Mallory glared at him.
"I don't have to do this you know?" Carol snarled.
"You do if you want to not get sued," Cheryl smirked.
"This isn't about that flimsy piece of paper and you know it!" Carol snapped. "The only reason I took this job was the challenge of making the Tunt Green great again! Which I have no thanks to you! I did it through all my hard work!"
"Still bitching about that, are you?" Cheryl rolled her eyes.
"I am a world-famous chef and gourmand! People all over the world associate cherry pies with Tunt!" Carol snapped.
"Not going to touch that one with a ten-foot pole," Ray groaned.
"I'm warning you Cheryl," Carol warned. "Do not cause a scene here like you did at my last restaurant!"
"I'm warning you to get me some decent drinks Carol," Mallory groaned.
"I'll send the sommelier over…" Carol began.
"Not you!" Mallory interrupted. She pointed to Cheryl. "Her!"
"What?" Carol blinked.
"She calls Cheryl Carol because that's the false name she first arrived at our office with," Pam explained.
"Carol what's good on the menu?" Mallory sighed.
"How should I know?" Cheryl asked. "I just said to order…"
"I meant the other Carol!" Mallory snapped.
"Oh, this is going to get old fast," Ray rolled his eyes.
"Just get the table a couple of bottles of Glengoolie Blue scotch," Cyril advised. "And bring out well…Your best of everything."
"So this is going to be exactly like your fake birthday party," Carol rolled her eyes. "I'm warning you Cheryl! No fires! Not this time!"
"I won't! Jesus!" Cheryl rolled her eyes.
CRASH! FOOOM!
"Do I smell smoke?" Cyril blinked.
"Oh for the love of…" Carol groaned.
"It wasn't me!" Cheryl protested. "This time!"
"Mallory, you idiot what have you burned now?" Carol shouted as she stormed into the kitchen.
"There's another Mallory?" Lana blinked.
"Oh yeah," Cheryl laughed. "I forgot the other best part. Carol has an assistant named Mallory and she's at total ditz!"
CRASH!
"DAMN IT MALLORY!" Carol was heard shouting from the kitchen.
"Another Mallory," Lana blinked.
"One is more than enough," Ray remarked.
"You know…?" Mallory glared at him.
"Another interesting tidbit we've learned about the Tunt Family," Cyril groaned as waiters arrived with bottles of scotch and began to pour them.
"If I wanted to know more about inbred insane people I'd ask Ray about his family," Mallory agreed.
"My family is not inbred!" Ray bristled.
"Uncle Paw Paw?" Lana gave him a look.
"That doesn't even…" Ray was exasperated. "That's more of a second marriage situation. Doesn't count."
"Uncle Paw Paw?" Cyril did a double take.
"He was my mother's…" Ray began. "Never mind. It's complicated."
"How complicated?" Pam asked. "Are we talking 'I'm my own grandpa' complicated?"
"Pretty much," Ray groaned. "Can we change the subject please?"
"Gladly," Mallory sniffed as she took a drink from her glass. "I have to admit, Tunt oddities aside this is actually a nice restaurant."
"Well it better be," Cheryl waved. "Since it's a five-star restaurant. Or is it six?"
"Whatever," Pam waved as several bread baskets laden with sweets were put on the table by efficient waiters. "This is a free meal, right?"
"Yes! I made the swearsies realsies promise," Cheryl rolled her eyes.
"Just checking," Pam grinned as she dug into the bread basket in front of her with her bare hands. "All right! Sticky buns!"
"I am only having one because apparently, they are world famous," Mallory said as she used the tongs to take one. "And I actually do have an appetite."
She took a distasteful look at Pam stuffing her face. "Although I must admit that is diminishing by the second."
"Let's try to talk about something pleasant," Cyril sighed as he got some bread. "Anything pleasant."
Mallory took a bite of the sticky bun before putting it down. "Well I got a royalty check for Sterling in the mail this morning. Apparently, his book earned a whole twenty dollars this week."
"That should buy him a cup of coffee when he wakes up," Ray quipped.
"You know I actually bought his stupid book for AJ when she's older?" Lana sighed. "Just in case she wanted to know more about her father. I didn't pay much since it was in the discount bin but…"
"But…?" Ray asked. "I have a feeling where this is going but please continue."
"It gives a lot more insight to Archer than I thought," Lana groaned. "And not in a good way. I may not give that book to AJ until she's thirty. And even then I'd have reservations."
"I read the book too," Ray told her. "I know where you are coming from and I agree with you completely."
"I also perused the same book," Mallory admitted. "I believe the only part of the book that has any real information is the forward."
"Which you wrote," Lana gave her a look.
"And your point?" Mallory asked.
"I would have thought the most informative section was the cocktails part," Cyril said.
"That's assuming people don't have these new things called the Internet and a bartender's guide," Mallory waved. "Seriously I now understand why some women spend hours looking up new recipes online. There are some new and interesting cocktails out there."
"Discovered Pinterest, have you?" Pam raised an eyebrow.
"I admit I was skeptical when you forwarded that to my e-mail," Mallory shrugged. "But now I can't see how I lived without it. Especially while I'm sitting by Sterling's bed. I read him some of the cocktail recopies. I find it comforting for some reason."
"You're welcome," Pam said.
Mallory made a non-committal noise before nibbling some more of the sticky bun. "This is actually quite pleasant. Reminds me of the holidays when I had treats as a child"
"Too bad you had to eat them all quickly or else the dinosaurs would eat them," Cheryl snickered.
"Too bad your brain went extinct years ago," Ray told her.
"Ray that was nasty and uncalled for," Mallory told him.
"You're welcome," Ray shrugged.
Mallory smirked in agreement for a moment before taking another bite to eat. "I also found details of Sterling's skimming money from my accounts fascinating. When he wakes up we are going to have a long talk."
"Did you really create a fictional twin brother for Archer?" Lana asked.
"Oh who remembers?" Mallory waved.
"Interesting choice of whose genes you preferred over mine, Lana," Cyril grumbled as he ate a sticky bun.
"Not this again," Lana rolled her eyes.
"Just saying," Cyril said. "You didn't think my genes were good enough but you had no problem continuing the bloodline of Count Humps A Lot and the Empress of Evil over here."
Ray shrugged. "I have to admit you have a point."
"That does seem pretty arbitrary if you think about it," Cheryl nodded.
"What?" Lana and Mallory snapped.
"We're just saying there's an argument for not continuing the line of alcoholism in the family gene pool," Krieger spoke up.
"And even though Cyril isn't exactly a prize in the looks department compared to Archer," Cheryl said. "You gotta give Cyril some credit for having more smarts than him."
"It does kind of balance things out," Ray said.
"Not to mention having your genes on top of that," Cheryl said to Mallory. "Because honestly that was a deal breaker for me."
"What?" Mallory snapped.
"There was a time I honestly considered purposely knocking myself up like Truck-A-Saurus over here," Cheryl said. "In order to get Archer back. But then I thought, ugh! Babies! Am I right? And two that would mean I'd have you as a grandmother and…" She shuddered.
"I see what you mean," Ray said.
"Deal breaker," Cheryl scoffed.
"So unlike Lana," Cyril spoke up. "You actually thought this through."
"DUH!" Cheryl rolled her eyes.
"You know…?" Lana growled.
"Oh come on!" Pam said. "Ms. Archer isn't that bad!"
"Yeah she kind of is," Cheryl disagreed.
"Lana Ms. Archer may not be perfect but she's not the worst grandmother in the world," Pam said.
"Thank you, Pam," Mallory said.
"Yeah you should have seen how worried she was when she lost the baby when Krieger stole it," Pam spoke up.
"WHAT?" Lana barked.
"PAM!" Mallory yelled.
"HA!" Pam snorted with glee.
"Thank you, Pam!" Mallory groaned.
"What's this about you stealing my baby?" Lana glared at Krieger.
"I didn't steal her! I borrowed her!" Krieger protested. "For research!"
"WHAT?" Lana shouted so loud the entire room looked at her. Lana didn't care.
"Let me rephrase that…" Krieger winced.
"Please do," Lana menacingly held her knife.
"This lunch just got interesting," Cheryl grinned.
"It was for Cyberneddly Teddly," Krieger said.
"Your stupid robot terminator bear?" Cheryl asked.
"He's not a terminator!" Krieger snapped. "Technically."
"Krieger…" Lana growled.
"I just wanted to study human to robot interaction," Krieger said. "I saw the baby was lying in her pram crying and Ms. Archer wasn't around anywhere so I…"
"I knew it!" Lana glared at Mallory. "I knew somehow this would be your fault!"
"How is Krieger stealing AJ to play with his stupid robots my fault?" Mallory shouted. Again the room could hear them but no one at the table cared anymore.
"You should have been watching her!" Lana said.
"You shouldn't have had a stupid gross germ baby!" Cheryl mocked.
"You should be put down like the rabid bitch you are!" Lana growled waving her knife.
"Can we please have one meal without one of us threatening someone with weapons?" Cyril snapped.
"Fine," Lana put her knife down.
CRASH! SMASH!
"DAMN IT MALLORY!" Carol was heard in the kitchen.
"It's like when Teddly gets hyped up on electricity in there," Krieger remarked.
"Wait you still have that stupid thing?" Mallory snapped.
"God only knows what Krieger has in his lab," Ray groaned.
"Said the cyborg with a black hand which Krieger created," Cheryl scoffed.
"You know…?" Ray glared at her.
"Enhanced! Not created!" Krieger snapped. "I didn't raise Ray from the dead using body parts!"
"But we know you have that capability," Pam said. "AKA Katya. So if Ray does kick the bucket for real…"
"I'm sitting right here you know?" Ray snapped.
"But for how long?" Cyril sighed.
Pam nodded. "That's kind of our point."
"Can we talk about something else?" Ray groaned. "Something normal?"
"With this group?" Mallory scoffed as she took a drink. "Robots and you dying is normal!"
"Oh," Cyril thought of something. "I have something interesting to talk about!"
"That'll be a first," Ray quipped. Lana snickered.
"I was reading up on the stock market today," Cyril said. "And I was thinking if we put some of our money in ladder bonds with…"
"OH GOD I'M BORED!" Cheryl called out.
"So am I!" Mallory agreed. "I'd rather talk about the robots and Ray dying!"
"Me too," Ray agreed. "Oh my God…"
"I know," Lana said. "Imagine going home with that every week."
"Well excuse me for trying to turn this meal into a legitimate business expense!" Cyril snapped.
"What expense?" Pam snapped. "This meal is free Fig Dong!"
"And he wonders why I didn't pick him to be the father of my child," Lana said to Ray.
"I totally see your point now," Ray nodded.
"I am so bored!" Cheryl pouted.
"Well then eat your God Damned sticky bun!" Lana snapped.
"MAKE ME!" Cheryl grabbed her knife and pointed it at Lana.
"You wanna go bitch?" Lana snarled as she grabbed her knife and pointed it back. "Just try it! See what happens!"
"SERIOUSLY?" Cyril shouted. "ONE MEAL WITHOUT SOMEONE THREATENING TO KILL SOMEONE ELSE! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK DAMN IT?"
Cyril then realized everyone in the restaurant was looking at them. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ALL LOOKING AT?" He shouted. "HAVEN'T YOU EVER SEEN A GROUP OF CO-WORKERS GO OUT TO LUNCH BEFORE?"
"So rude," Pam clucked her tongue.
"Seriously," Lana agreed as she put her knife down.
"Get a life people!" Cheryl called out as she put her knife down.
"Waiter!" Mallory called out. "We're going to need more drinks here! Fast!"
"Ooh! Speaking of drinks!" Krieger grinned. "I've restarted my Krieger Springs side business!"
"Oh God! Not again!" The gang groaned around the table. "Seriously?"
"Not again!" Cyril groaned. "Krieger!"
"What?" Krieger asked. "It's a good little side business."
"It's a good way for us to get sued!" Ray snapped. "Or poisoned!"
"Lucky for us we don't drink water," Pam said as she downed some scotch.
"You do realize there are ice cubes in that glass, right?" Ray sighed.
"Damn it!" Pam groaned.
"I'm pretty sure most restaurants don't use bottled water to make ice!" Krieger waved. "Or do they?"
"Krieger, I swear to God…" Cyril snarled as he grabbed his knife. "If you get us in trouble again…"
"The last thing we need are more legal problems!" Lana agreed.
"So for the love of God Krieger!" Cyril held his knife and pointed it at Krieger. "No more stupid water scams!"
"Oh, you can use a knife but I can't?" Cheryl snapped. "Not fair!" She picked up her knife again.
"Cheryl put it down! Now!" Ray ordered.
"Make me!" Cheryl waved her knife. "You're…"
"If you say you're not my supervisor I will gut the lot of you!" Mallory picked up her knife and waved it. "Put it down Carol!"
"Put what down?" Carol was heard shouting.
"NOT YOU!" Mallory shouted.
Everyone put down their respective knives. "What is wrong with you idiots?" Mallory snapped. "Oh right. You're idiots! I can't go anywhere without you people ruining everything, can I? Dear God some days I think I'd be better off just packing up and leaving you lot here to rot here in California. Just go back to New York with Ron and forget I ever met the lot of you!"
"Mallory, you don't mean that," Lana sighed.
"The hell I don't!" Mallory snapped. "I'm serious! As soon as Sterling wakes up and I know he will be okay I will leave this disaster riddled state and take my chances back in New York! Oh, yes there will be some ruffled feathers but I'm sure I can smooth things over. Which I what I should have done in the first place! Instead of being talked into this defective agency nonsense!"
"You mean detective agency?" Pam asked.
"No, defective agency!" Mallory shouted. "With emphasis on the defective!"
"That's a little harsh," Cyril winced.
"Not harsh enough in my opinion," Mallory finished her drink. "I'm serious. Once Sterling recovers I am going to sell my shares and be rid of the lot of you! New York is looking better and better every day!"
"Are you actually serious about this?" Cyril asked. "Like sell me your shares of the business and…?"
"Oh not to you!" Mallory snapped. "Anybody but you lot!"
"Well then who'd buy it?" Cheryl asked.
"Yeah I don't think you'd find too many buyers outside of this group," Ray said. "And it depends on what you're offering."
"Why would you care about what she's offering for her part in my agency?" Cyril snapped.
"Maybe I'd like to buy it?" Ray said. "Be a partner."
"You can't be a partner in my agency!" Cyril snapped. "You're still an unlicensed investigator!"
"So? I can still own part of the agency!" Ray said. "Technically I think I do. Do I?"
"No, you can't!" Cyril snapped. "And you don't!"
"You can still have top billing!" Ray said. "Mostly because F comes before G in the alphabet but it's still top billing. Figgis and Gillette!"
"No!" Cyril snapped. "I'm not taking you as my partner!"
"Phrasing," Pam quipped.
"I can be your partner," Ray said.
"Phrasing," Pam quipped again.
"No, you can't!" Cyril snapped.
"Who are you?" Ray snapped. "Prop 41?"
"Ray, Ms. Archer would never sell you shares pure and simple!" Cyril snapped. "Or anything that would give you any leverage at all in my agency!"
"Now wait a minute," Mallory said. "I never said that."
"What?" Cyril did a double take.
"I mean if Ray makes a reasonable offer," Mallory shrugged. "I don't see why I shouldn't accept it. What are you offering?"
"What do you want?" Ray asked.
"That depends on what you're offering," Mallory said.
"That depends on what you want," Ray said.
"HANG ON!" Cyril snapped. "You would seriously sell shares to Ray to spite me? What am I saying? Of course, you would!"
"Maybe then I should get in on this deal?" Lana spoke up.
"WHAT?" Cyril yelled.
"We could pay for the shares together and be equal partners," Lana said.
"Then it could be Figgis, Gillette and Kane," Ray said.
"Why is my name last?" Lana asked.
"Because K goes after F and G!" Pam snapped. "Just like if I put my two cents in it would be Figgis, Gillette, Kane and Poovey!"
"Wait a minute!" Cyril looked at her.
"I don't know why you're so down on the name being last," Pam said. "It's usually the last name people remember the most."
"Is that true?" Krieger said. "I didn't know that. Maybe I should get in on this?"
"And where would you get the money?" Cyril snapped.
"I've saved a pretty penny thanks to my internet sex toy slash porn side business," Krieger said. "Also my Krieger Springs sales."
"Oh I can just imagine what you'd do to my agency if you got your hands on it!" Cyril threw up his hands.
"The streets would run green with radioactive pigs," Ray quipped.
"Yeah I could use a lot more Pigglys," Krieger nodded. "Come on! Applied research firms are all the rage!"
"I can see entire mobs enraged Dr. Frank-En-Krauter!" Pam said.
"Or I can just buy the whole agency outright?" Cheryl said aloud. "For at least a couple million which is way more than what it's worth."
"At least a couple million?" Mallory raised an eyebrow. "This lunch just got interesting."
"Oh no! NO! NO! NO!" Cyril snapped.
"Mallory, you can't be serious!" Lana gasped.
"She is," Pam groaned.
"If Cheryl buys our agency she'd just burn it to the ground!" Lana protested.
"You know that's actually a point in her favor, right?" Mallory asked.
"Do you really want to give Cheryl a chance for any kind of satisfaction?" Ray asked.
"That's also a good point," Mallory admitted.
"Here's another point!" Cyril raised his knife and pointed it at them. "You will get my agency over my cold dead body!"
Ray took his knife and pointed it at Cyril. "Works for me."
"Me too," Lana took her knife and readied it.
"All right! All right!" Mallory shouted as everyone else took up their knives and pointed them at each other. (Cheryl for a moment pointed the knife at herself.) "Put the damn knives down! You bunch of Crocodile Dumb-Dees! I'm not selling to anybody just yet! But if I did, I would be justified just to get away from you knife happy lunatics!"
Mallory glared at her staff in disgust as they put their knives down. "Although I am very tempted to walk away right now! Very tempted! Other than Sterling there is nothing to hold me here! And the sooner he recovers, the sooner I can end my self-imposed exile and go back to a real city! Like New York! And nothing is going to stop me!"
"Mallory? Mallory Archer? Is that you?"
"Oh dear God no…" Mallory grumbled under her breath. "Not here…Not now!"
"Mallory Archer it is you!" A well-dressed older woman with red hair, a cream dress and a striking resemblance to Holland Taylor walked up to the table. "I knew I recognized that shrill voice."
"Gladys Vanderhoffen," Mallory said with a fake smile. "Fancy running into you here. I thought you were back in New York. Pretending that you know what wine goes with your cheese plate."
"Well you were always a cocktail girl, weren't you?" Gladys smirked back. "I can't remember a time when I haven't seen you with a glass of something. Under someone…"
"Speaking of something," Mallory said. "What are you doing in California? Planning to take a jump in the ocean?"
"More like buying some oceanfront property for an investment," Gladys said. "After all one must invest money wisely unless you'd want to end up like…Well. You know. You."
"Actually, I'm doing very well financially," Mallory bristled. "In fact, I was taking my staff out to lunch as a reward for their hard work."
"Technically it's my staff…" Cyril began.
"Quiet game Cyril!" Mallory snapped.
"That's right," Gladys smirked. "Your secretary said you would be here when I called earlier this morning."
"Oh she did, did she?" Mallory glared at Cheryl.
"Wow," Pam said. "Just wow."
"You are in rare form this year aren't you?" Ray gave Cheryl a look.
"I know," Cheryl giggled. "It has been one of my best years hasn't it?"
Mallory glared at Cheryl. "I am so not selling my stake in the agency to you! Ever!"
"So Mallory," Gladys asked. "What's new?"
"You mean besides her son screwing Veronica Deane?" Cheryl spoke up. "And then her shooting him and putting him in a coma?"
Everyone glared at Cheryl. "What?" Cheryl asked. "She wanted to know!"
"Pam you know that death pool you have?" Mallory asked. "Put down a fifty for me on Hedda Hopped Up On Glue over here!"
"And you think I should be playing the Quiet Game?" Cyril snapped.
"Well I can't say I'm surprised," Gladys told her. "The way your son tom catted around it was inevitable that he would get shot by either a jealous lover or husband sooner or later. Takes after you, doesn't he?"
"In ways you wouldn't believe," Cheryl added. Mallory glared at Cheryl.
"To be honest I had this one over here in the betting pool we had at the Women's League," Gladys pointed to Lana. "I was so sure she'd be the one to shoot him first."
"Technically she shot him in the foot before this so…" Pam spoke up.
"Excuse me," Lana blinked. "We've never met. Do you know me?"
"I know of you," Gladys said. "Even before that disastrous little news show went on air. Everyone was aware of Sterling's dalliances that bore fruit. Personally, I think you're a step up from the hooker he impregnated."
"Escort," Mallory corrected with a groan. "Not a hooker."
"Is there really a difference when your son is concerned?" Gladys smirked.
"At least I have a son!" Mallory snapped.
"So do I!" Gladys snapped. "Two of them actually."
"Oh right," Mallory realized.
"And even their disappointments can't hold a candle to the major disappointment that is your son," Gladys snapped. "Even the one who had a nervous breakdown handled it with class compared to how your son has been acting all these years."
"Remind me to tell Sterling to kick your son's pasty ass again when he snaps out of his coma!" Mallory snarled.
"You know that's not how comas work right?" Gladys blinked.
"Face it Gladys," Mallory stood up and faced off with Gladys. "You're only here because you're desperate for gossip on me! Well you're not going to get it! Not that it's ever stopped you before! You don't think I know about the lies and slander you've been spreading over the years!"
"It's not slander if it's common knowledge. Honestly Mallory you're getting what you deserve!" Gladys sneered. "And all of New York is glad about it! I always knew a woman like you never had any class!"
"CLASS? CLASS?" Mallory shouted. "Who the hell are you kidding? You shop girl! I was born into high society! While you just lucked out by marrying the first luckless rich sap that ambled by the perfume counter at Saks!"
"That is…" Gladys fumed.
"Completely true?" Mallory sneered. "You forgot Gladys, I used to shop at Saks' perfume counter all the time! And my friends! And we distinctly remember you not going to our schools and parties! You're not fooling anyone Crystal Allen!"
"I love dinner theater," Ray said to the others. "Don't you?"
"And then when that weak-willed loser died of pneumonia," Mallory went on. "You didn't even wait a year until you married his wealthier better looking cousin! Like no one knew that was going on behind your first husband's back!"
"That's a lot like my Uncle Paw Paw's situation," Ray remarked.
"At least I was actually married!" Gladys shouted. "And everybody saw my husband! Both of them! Unlike you! For some reason, nobody has ever even seen this so-called John Fitzgerald Archer!"
"That's because she made him up," Cheryl said. "Duh!"
"CAROL!" Mallory screamed, horrified.
"She doesn't even know who her son's father really is," Cheryl went on. "It could either be that Russian guy who died or Len Trexler. Or some other guy."
"CAROL SHUT YOUR LYING MOUTH!" Mallory snapped.
"WHAT DID YOU SAY!" Carol Tunt shouted from the kitchen.
"NOT YOU!" Mallory shouted. "THE OTHER CAROL!"
"Oh I knew it!" Gladys snarled. "I knew there was something fishy about you from the first day I saw your smarmy little fat face at Saks!"
"I WAS NEVER FAT!" Mallory shouted. "I was just getting over a bad case of the mumps!"
"Really bad," Gladys smirked. "Since it traveled all the way down past your thighs!"
"Is that why you don't like me?" Pam asked between bites. "Because I remind you of when you were fat?"
"One I was never fat!" Mallory snapped. "Two, I hate you for so many other reasons I could write a best-selling novel detailing them. And three…Just keep stuffing your fat pie hole!"
"WHAT ABOUT MY PIES?" Carol was heard shouting.
"I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU!" Mallory shouted back.
"WELL I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU!" Carol shouted. "I WAS TALKING TO THE OTHER MALLORY!"
"There's another Mallory?" Gladys blinked.
"We know," Ray said. "One is more than enough. We did that joke already."
"That's what all of Mallory's boyfriends say," Gladys quipped.
"Burn!" Ray called out gleefully.
"One day I will burn all of you!" Mallory shouted.
"Tease!" Cheryl snapped. "You always say that but you never do!"
"Mallory says a lot of things that aren't exactly truthful," Gladys remarked.
"Gladys, you cannot repeat those lies that…" Mallory paused and pointed to Cheryl. "This one is telling! It would ruin my reputation!"
"I hate to break this to you Mallory, but that ship sailed a long time ago," Gladys said. "In fact, it already pulled into another dock across the ocean. And is preparing another bon voyage party as we speak!"
"You smarmy little…" Mallory snarled. "Shop girl!"
"Better a shop girl than a common whore!" Gladys snarled. "I can't wait until I tell Trudy about this! Mallory Archer faked a husband to cover up her bastard son. Which honestly doesn't shock me knowing what I know about you!"
"You better not say anything you…" Mallory snarled.
"In fact I think I'll call her right now," Gladys took out her phone.
"If you say one word to Beekman…" Mallory warned. "I'm warning you!"
"Good thing I have her on speed dial," Gladys started using her phone.
"Vanderhoffen…" Mallory snarled.
"Hello Trudy?" Gladys purred. "Guess what I just found out about…"
"AAAAHHHHH!" Mallory charged at Gladys and tackled her to the ground. "GIVE ME THAT PHONE!"
"GET OFF ME!" Gladys fought off Mallory.
"GIVE IT! GIVE IT!" Mallory screamed as the two women fought over the phone. They accidentally pulled off a tablecloth in their fight scattering food and plates all over the place.
"IT'S MINE YOU SELFISH COW!" Gladys shouted.
"That reminds me," Pam remarked. "I should have told the chef I want my steak medium rare."
"HA!" Mallory grabbed the phone and got up. She put the phone on the ground and started smashing the phone with her foot. "DIE! DIE! DIE!"
"ARE YOU INSANE?" Gladys got up screaming. "THAT'S A FIVE HUNDRED DOLLAR PHONE!"
"You're gonna pay more than that in hospital fees if you blab to Beekman what you heard here!" Mallory grabbed a knife from a nearby table.
"AAAAHHHH!" Gladys ran from her life as Mallory chased her.
Leaving a very shocked and stunned restaurant full of patrons behind. Including the Figgis Agency's table.
"Well thank you Cheryl," Cyril groaned. "For another pleasant disaster!"
"What?" Cheryl asked innocently. "I didn't set any fires."
"Not any literal ones anyway," Ray rolled his eyes.
"Uh guys…" Krieger pointed with a gulp. "Speaking of literal fires…"
"Holy fire sale snacks!" Pam gasped as smoke poured out of the kitchen.
"MALLORY, YOU IDIOT!" Carol was heard shouting. "PUT THE FIRE OUT! PUT THE FIRE OUT!"
KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Something shook the building like an explosion. Fire started shooting out of the kitchen. "RUN!" Lana said as she and everyone else in the building started to run.
"DAMN YOU MALLORY!" Carol screamed in what sounded like agony. "AAAAHHH!"
About an hour later…
"Again Cheryl…" Cyril glared at Cheryl as they stood on the street watching the Tunt Green burn. "Thanks a lot!"
"Best business lunch ever!" Cheryl jumped up and down squealing with joy. "BURN!"
"Yeah and there are a lot of cute firemen too," Pam said as she was eating some kind of fancy pudding with a spoon.
Everyone just stood there and looked at her. "What?" Pam asked. "It's chocolate pudding. I snagged it off the dessert cart."
Everyone looked behind her at an actual dessert cart. "I also got the dessert cart," Pam admitted before going back to eating.
"Nice to see you have some priorities in case of an emergency Pam!" Cyril snapped.
"I'm sorry about your restaurant hon," Ray sighed to Cheryl.
"Oh please," Cheryl waved. "That dump's been insured up the ass for fire for years. I can afford it. Probably make some money off of it actually."
She turned and looked and saw a bandaged figure being carried away into an ambulance. "Even with what I have to pay to cover Carol's medical insurance."
"How bad is it?" Lana asked.
"Third degree burns all over her body," Cheryl said. "She'll be lucky if she survives. And Mallory the ditz didn't even get a blister for some reason. Typical."
"It wouldn't be an agency outing if there wasn't at least a fire," Lana sighed. "And someone horribly maimed or burned."
"Well at least we didn't cause this fire," Ray shrugged. "So nobody can pin this on us."
"However, the assault and battery…" Cyril sighed as he looked over. "As well as the attempted stabbing…"
Mallory was sitting in the back seat of a police car looking furious. "Yeah that one is kind of on us," Cyril groaned.
Mallory growled as she sat handcuffed in the back seat. "Third worst birthday ever."
Cyril went on. "I called Ron. He's getting the bail money. I think I can get the charges dropped. I can just say the smoke made Ms. Archer confused or something."
"Will that actually work?" Pam asked.
"Eehhh," Cyril shrugged.
"I don't think Mallory is moving back to New York anytime soon," Lana sighed. "Which makes that whole argument about being partners in the agency moot."
"I think Ms. Vander Running Off Her Mouth is literally running all the way back to New York," Ray remarked.
"Which means she's going to blab everything she can about this to Beekman and any rich bitch who will listen," Pam said between bites.
"Yeah, Mallory is definitely not going back to New York anytime soon," Lana groaned.
"I don't know what happened," A female voice sobbed. "I tried to put out the fire using bottled water. But all that did was make the fire worse!"
"What the…?" Lana did a double take as they overheard a blonde woman talking to some fire marshals.
"We got a shipment of this new stuff," The woman said. "Krieger Springs."
"Oh no…" Cyril moaned.
"I really should put a warning label on those bottles," Krieger remarked.
Ray looked upwards. "And I'm the one that you always paralyze and try to kill off? Seriously?"