A New Beginning

Chapter One

Meredith stood in Dr. Carr's home office, and stared pensively out the window. She had come to Dr. Carr a few times in her life. He helped her through some traumatic experiences, when her coping mechanisms just weren't enough. And times like this, when she just didn't know what was wrong.

She had been struggling with her feelings for a few weeks, but couldn't put her finger on what was troubling her. She was moody and irritable, and it wouldn't go away. This is where Dr. Carr came in.

"You know, this usually works better when the patient tells me what's troubling them", he urged, gently.

Without wavering from her vantage point, she answered him flatly, quietly "I thought we agreed I wasn't a patient. " Although quietly said, the affection for him was evident in her voice.

"Work the process, Meredith.". This simple statement said so much. Rather than forcing her to reveal her thoughts, it allowed her to be free to express herself, without fear of judgement. This was so very important when dealing with someone as complex as Meredith Grey.

"I'm angry" She offered.

"Angry?" The question was more probing than prompting for a response.

"Furious, actually". She turned from her reflective gaze and faced Dr. Carr. Once (and still sometimes) her therapist, she considered him as more a friend now. It was hard not to, considering all he knew of her.

"Why are you furious?"

She looked at him with a mixture of frustration and exasperation. "At Jo. Or Brooke. Or whatever." She says this last part rather flippantly.

"You know it wasn't her fault"

"I know! " She paces, then quiets. "It's not her fault that Paul came here. She had a right to try to have the life she wanted. "But Alex…" Her voice broke, then trailed off. She wiped a tear before continuing. "But Alex is destroyed. And I can't help him." She sobbed heavily, clearly very distraught. Dr. Carr crossed to her, and embraced her. After a minute, she recovered.

"Why does that make you furious? Sad, scared, sure. But why do you think it makes you furious?"

She accepted a tissue he extended to her. She pondered the question, then offered, "I can't help him. He won't talk about it. He's shut me out. Worse, he's shut the kids out. He won't come see them. He says he doesn't want them to see him like this. I don't know how to get through to him. "

"Meredith, you know better than anyone that grief is different for everyone. "

"That's not grief. She didn't die. She's in jail."

"That's not fair, Meredith. The end of a relationship needs to be grieved. He needs time."

"But he's not grieving. He's not moving on. It's like he's committed himself to being miserable because he couldn't help her. He blames himself."

"How does that make you feel?"

She gave a small laugh at this. He knew she could not stand the phrase. "It makes me Furious! We've already been through this!"

"But why?"

"Because he won't let me help him!"

Again, he said, "Why?"

More emphatically, "Because he's my person! I need to be there for him. And he needs to let me be there! He has always been there for me. I need to help him."

Dr. Carr sensed he was breaking through. He gently put his hands on her shoulders, and once more, "Why?"

She locked eyes with him, and searched herself for the answer. Suddenly, realization was upon her. Involuntarily, she gasped, shocking even herself with the relevation. Dr. Carr gave her an encouraging nod.

"Because I love him." The shocked expression remained, but mixed in was a small smile. "I'm in love with Alex!"