Commander Shepard was already there when Admiral Hackett came into the room. He was all dressed up in his navy blues, his dark hair neater than he'd ever seen it. Hackett was impressed. Shepard had insisted that the Admiral meet him on his ship, but he had no problem with it—not really. He sat down.
"Commander Shepard, thank you for coming to your performance evaluation," he said formally.
"No problem," he replied.
"So you're in charge around here, is that fair to say?"
"Absolutely," Shepard responded immediately, looking completely at ease. "I'm the boss."
"Okay, so take us in a day in the life of…the boss."
"Well, the first thing I do is…"
As if on cue, Legion walked into the room. Hackett almost fell out of his chair. By the time he had recovered, Shepard was getting into his answer—and it was a long one. Every time Shepard said something, the geth would say, in a guttural, mechanical voice, "like a boss."
"Talk to Councillors! (Like a boss)
Approve upgrades (Like a boss)
Lead a shore party (Like a boss)
Remember birthdays (Like a boss)
Direct squadmates (Like a boss)
My own bathroom (Like a boss)
Micromanage (Like a boss)
Promote humanity (Like a boss)
Hit on Samara (Like a boss)
Get rejected (Like a boss)
Swallow Hallex (Like a boss)
Send some faxes (Like a boss)
Call the Consort (Like a boss)
Cry deeply (Like a boss)
Demand a refund (Like a boss)
Eat a bagel (Like a boss)
Harassment lawsuit (Like a boss)
No promotion (Like a boss)
Fifth of ryncol (Like a boss)
Shit on Samara's desk (Like a boss)
Steal a gun (Like a boss)
In my mouth (Like a boss)"
Shepard was standing in his cabin with a gun in his mouth. Abruptly, he yanked it out and broke down into tears.
"Fuck, man, I can't fucking do it…shit!"
Shepard shook himself free of the memory. By this time Hackett wasn't even taking notes anymore, just looking on with a mix of intrigue and horror.
"Pussy out (Like a boss)
Puke on Samara's desk (Like a boss)
Jump out the airlock (Like a boss)
Suck a Reaper's dick (Like a boss)
Score some red sand (Like a boss)
Crash my shuttle (Like a boss)
Suck my own dick (Like a boss)
Eat some chicken strips (Like a boss)
Chop my balls off (Like a boss)
Black out in the cargo hold (Like a boss)
Meet a giant krogan (Like a boss)
Fuck his brains out (Like a boss)
Turn into a jet (Like a boss)
Bomb the hanar (Like a boss)
Crash into a sun (Like a boss)
Now I'm dead (Like a boss)!"
Shepard sat back down, breathing hard from his performance. Hackett raised an eyebrow.
"Uh-huh," he said skeptically. "So that's an average day for you?"
"No doubt," he drawled.
"You chop your balls off and die."
"Hell yeah."
"And at one point there I think you said something about sucking your own dick?"
There was a beat of silence.
"Nope."
"Actually, I'm pretty sure you did," Hackett said.
"Naw. That ain't me," Shepard denied.
"Okay!" The Admiral stood up. "Well, this has been eye opening for me."
"I'm the boss," Shepard informed him.
"Yes, I know. You said that five hundred times."
"I'm the boss," he said again.
"Yeah. I got that."
"I'm the boss."
"Okay, I'm leaving."
"I'm the boss."
"Bye!"
There was a beat of silence. Legion and Shepard were alone in the communications room, staring off into space. Finally, the geth reached into the depths of his machinery and produced a food item.
"Your bagel is ready, Shepard-Commander."
A/N: I couldn't help it.