Author's Note: Holy Jesus, I'm actually writing this… This story's theme song is "Where the Hood At" by DMX. You'll see what I'm talking about.
Chapter 1: Weirdest Vlog Ever
"Hey what's up everyone, today I'll be making a video about general post plant strategy. So I'm going to be covering a variety of different scenarios when you're terrorists and the bomb is planted. First we should go over when you've got more guys alive. If you're in any type of retake where you have more alive, so five on four, three on two, etc, then you really shouldn't be facing the enemy."
Then, with noclip on, I moved my character around the A bombsite on Dust II, eventually coming to Long A. "Alright, so whenever you do a long hit on Dust II and you have even numbers or a man advantage, someone should be watching the long flank. You only need one guy to do this, but it's something that needs to be done in this scenario. The reason being that if some guy works his or her way up long when you've done a long hit and no one is watching it, then that person is gonna get a bunch of free kills on unaware players because no one was watching the flank. If you have like three or four guys alive and you plant here or here," I gesture to certain parts of the bombsite, "then you can have two guys here for some good post plant spots as well as a safe exit if the other team saves."
Then suddenly, out of nowhere, I heard a giant crash, almost like thunder, which stopped as quickly as it started. Curious and also somewhat scared, I looked out the window and noticed that the weather outside was the same as before. "What the fuck is going on out there?" I asked to no one as I got up to investigate, with Theodore joining me.
"Oh, right, this must be very confusing to you. Look, my name is Mason, and I'm just a Counter Strike youtuber and streamer. Now, considering my profession, I'm passionate about video games by default. Yeah, I know I said Counter Strike, but I make videos on other games too."
Yeah, here's the thing: in the past I've talked to myself or inanimate objects, and when you're talking into a web camera, the habit kind of gets reinforced. Whether voiced or not, I'm going to hear my thoughts. I don't care what other people say about it; Frank Underwood talks to a being he can't see (the viewer) all the time, and that guy is the President of the United States (as of the end of Season 4, that is).
After a bit of walking, I'm outside and I see what appear to be two bodyys (shit, I meant bodies, this is what happens when you watch too much professional Counter Strike) laying on the ground, not moving. The good news is, after putting my finger on their necks it became apparent they were still breathing.
Normally, if a loud crash suddenly came out of nowhere and two people were lying unconscious on the ground, then my neighbors would wake up and form quite the crowd. However, it was pretty early in the morning, and I was the first out. Look, I think it's better to wake up early and sleep late, okay? You get more time to do stuff you want; I never understood people who slept in on the weekends or over summer break as a result. I put Theodore in my pocket, and make two trips carrying the bodies back to my apartment (which must look incredibly suspicious now that I think about it).
After getting back inside the house, the futon is extended, and the two sleepers are laying on it. I put Theodore out of my pocket and onto the nearby table, and I find myself talking to the green teddy bear. "Yeah, you're right Theodore, I probably should take a closer look at these two."
But before I get to looking at their faces, I see some very familiar objects. The cape. Blue hair. A strange looking book. Suddenly, as I begin to realize who these two look like, I'm approaching rather slowly. "Theodore, facial recognition got a hit…" Then I turn them over to look at their faces.
"Jesus Christ, it's Jason Bourne." I say calmly, but with concern, referencing one of my favorite memes in a fitting manner.
Alright, it's not Jason Bourne. No, this is far more shocking. Lucina and Morgan from Fire Emblem Awakening. I said I covered other games, Fire Emblem is one of them. Initially, I think to myself that these two are simply very convincing cosplayers, but the fact that they were GTA wasted on the ground, along with the random thunder-like sound beg to differ. How can I know for sure that they're just in costumes?
Oh, right. Lucina has the Brand of the Exalt in her eye. So I'll just very slowly open it without waking her up and- Oh what?! Damn, I'm so shocked that the excited caster voice is taking control.
Because the Brand is actually in her eye. What. Is. Happening. I don't know how you could fake that detail. Additionally, I look up both Lucina and Morgan on the internet, and their appearances match perfectly. By the way, it seems that Morgan is female, and I'm recording every minute of this. My eyesight isn't bad, but I have a special pair of glasses that has a small camera inside them. It's quite nice for vlogging, as it means you don't have to hold your phone and seriously what the fuck is going on.
Honestly, I'm kinda glad that all of this is getting recorded. If anyone thinks I'm crazy when I say that Morgan and Lucina from Fire Emblem Awakening have suddenly popped up in the real world, then I have hard evidence to back my claim. "Well everyone, I think this may be the weirdest vlog ever. I'm just recording a video here, and all of a sudden there's like a loud crash, and then these two girls show up, and it turns out these dudes are from Fire Emblem. Like, man, this is where I'd just walk off the set, you know?" I say with a bit of a nervous laugh. "Alright, I'll see ya guys later." Then I turn off the camera and take off the glasses.
"What to do, Theodore, what to do…" I say, thinking what my next move should be. Maybe, when they wake up, they'll explain everything? Well, Lucina at least- I know Morgan has amnesia, like her dad. RIP. Suddenly the doorbell rings, and thank god, because I need to know that I'm still in the real world.
Wait. Shit.
I remember that Morgan and Lucina are still lying on the futon, and even if we're all fully clothed and haven't done anything, it may look somewhat suspicious to an outsider. Before answering, I find myself trying to do my best Bill Clinton impression.
… Okay, I know he was lying when he said that, and I also think of that line when I believe someone's lying about something, especially when it involves relationships beyond the platonic kind. But for some reason, it's my go-to when I need to clear things up or tell a convincing lie.
The guy at the door is my neighbor, John. You'll like him, though I know where his mind is gonna go right away given the circumstances. So I say my line. "Now I want you to listen to me John." I pause to put more emphasis in my previous statement and the next, even though he's heard it many times by now. "I did not have sexual relations with those women," I said, going slowly between the words not and relations and trying to imitate Clinton's accent, while gesturing to the empty futon.
Wait, empty?
I do a double take and sure enough, Lucina and Morgan aren't there. Shit, they couldn't have gotten far. I instantly check and notice that they're in the bedroom which also has my computers inside. Thank god.
"Damn son, you had me worried. For a sec I thought you were calling your right hand a woman," John remarks. "In any case I see you, man. Hooking up with people at cosplay conventions, huh? Seems like your fantasies are wilder than I ever imagined. Shit."
The other three of us would be embarrassed, but I imagine that we're all too confused to take his words into account, plus Lucina is known to be so dense that bricks begin to envy her (though they don't EnVyUs).
Suddenly, Lucina pulls out the Falchion. "Who are you, and what is this dark magic?" She says while pointing the sword at the computers, Morgan following suit with her own blade.
"Whoa, whoa, Jesus H. Christ! They're just computers, and they're not gonna harm you!" I reply.
"Why do they want to destroy your comp- oh. Shit. You moaned the wrong name with these two, huh? Well, that's an unfortunate mistake," John quips.
"For the love of god, they are not cosplayers."
Morgan, understandably, looks quite shocked at her current location. "So, where are we, who is Jesus, and what is a cosplayer?"
"Okay, so you've landed in another realm entirely, and this place is Orange, California. I don't know how you got here, but you did. Jesus is one of many gods in our world, if you choose to believe in that sort of thing, and a cosplayer is someone who dresses up as someone else," I quickly reply. "But you must have even more questions than that."
As Morgan and Lucina give each other very confused looks, I start to think to myself. Should I reveal that I know who these two are, or not? This is like the part where you have to make the dialogue choice and don't know what to do. If I tell them I know their identity, they may be creeped out- or even worse, suspicious of me. Then again, if I don't say anything and somehow they realize that I knew them this whole time, I'm going to draw quite the ire.
Alright, I think I know how I'm going to play this one. "So, anyway, you two were just lying on the ground and I thought I should bring you two in here. Can you tell me your names, why you're here, any other information to know?" I ask. John looks rather shocked at me- have Lucina and Morgan from Fire Emblem Awakening really shown up at my doorstep, or is he being pranked? Also, he must be confused as to why I'm asking a seemingly meaningless question- we've both played the game, so we both know the characters, plot, etc.
Seemingly. The fact that they're here gives me the suspicion that something's gone haywire. So I can't exactly approach this the normal way.
"I'm Lucina, and this is my companion Morgan. She is a tactician, and I'm the eldest princess of the Haildom of Ylisse. To keep things brief, we are the children of the elite fighting force known as the Shepherds, and eventually we fought alongside them. However, they were slaughtered one day, and we had to flee. Eventually, the benevolent god Naga took us back in time to prevent that future from happening. We were supposed to find ourselves in Ylisse, but it appears we have been taken to the wrong land."
Okay, so from what she just said, the plot appears to be the same. However, I get the feeling that somewhere, they've gone off course from the story- after all, how do you explain the future children being in a different realm entirely? I asked that question not because I don't know the story, as I've played Awakening many times, but rather because I'd be well advised to know how this has happened. Before I can keep theorizing, someone else knocks on the door. "Wait up, I should answer that."
I look through the peephole in the door and what the fuck is going on.
There are six very familiar faces waiting on the other side, but they're not my neighbors, and I don't know if it's a good thing or not.
On the other side of the door lies Inigo, Severa, Owain, Laurent, Yarne and Cynthia. I put my left hand on my hip and my right hand to my face as I mutter, "Oh shit." Seeing as the walls are soundproof (a big plus given my profession, things can get real loud) they can't hear me. Carefully, I open the door. Come on Mason, act cool.
"What's up?" I ask casually.
Inigo ends up speaking first. "Tell me, have you come across two very fair looking ladies?" Of course he'd say that. Well, I know where this is going. "Yo, Morgan, Lucina, I think you two got some visitors." They both look shocked, and then happy, upon seeing their comrades, and it's not long before they all start conversing inside my apartment.
"So, they're from Awakening, and they've landed here somehow?" John asks quietly. I don't blame him for being in disbelief, though I still nod my head up and down. "Holy shit."
"Yeah, quite frankly, I don't know how this has happened. And I don't think they do, either," I reply.
"Yo, real talk though. Why were you acting like you didn't know them back there? We've both played the games, we know about these dudes. How come you're fronting?" John asks back.
It's a good thing there's a conversation going on in the background, and also that we're talking rather quietly in my bedroom, while everyone else is in the living room. "Look man, they ended up here somehow instead of Ylisse. I'm thinking that something else is going on here, you know what I'm saying? So I can't exactly assume that it's all the same as it was in Awakening," I respond. After some consideration, John nods in approval, seeing my reasoning.
"Look, we gotta be real fucking careful now, man. Don't do any dumb shit out there, don't let it slip that you know about Awakening, you feel me?" John's a good guy, but he can definitely make some ill advised decisions. And now that the stakes are much higher than they've ever been, caution must stay with us and not with the wind.
"Alright, so what's the game plan? How are we gonna deal with the fact that the cast of Awakening is in the living room, and that more may be coming in?" John asks. It's a good question, one that I don't know the answer to. Yet.
"Listen up. We're gonna find out everything we know first, and then I can craft the strat from there, okay?" By the way, strat is short for strategy- it's a Counter Strike term. So with that in mind, John and I go back to the living room.
Suddenly, they're all staring at us. Man, this is odd. Then again, we must look ridiculous to them in our clothes, so I can see why they'd be staring. "So uh, are you guys, like, friends or something?" There's the casual California tone coming out of me, and no doubt being on the Internet and watching all those MLG parodies made it worse. Not that I mind, as I can switch between casual and serious pretty quickly. It's quite handy; I can go casual when I want to be disarming or when I'm talking with friends, and then formal on the rare occasion that I'm with high society. In my videos I like to rapidly switch between the two, it's quite fun.
"Are you daft? Of course we are, why do you think we're here?" I could've had my eyes closed, and I'd have known that sarcastic, biting voice belonged to Severa. But no matter, time to get down to business, like the Ying Yang Twins (The Whisper Song was utterly hilarious, you gotta see the music video).
"Okay, so they've already explained how they got here," I say while gesturing to Morgan and Lucina, "can I assume you guys followed suit?"
In response, I hear a very refined voice- it's Laurent speaking. "Yes, we did. We were supposed to land in Ylisse, but we found ourselves in this strange land. As a result, we decided to go and ask about this realm and where Ylisse was, and yours was the first home we found. It appears that a fortunate coincidence has led us to our comrades."
"Fate has led us to you, the unexpected heroes of our story! It is with great honor that I introduce myself-" Owain would have rambled enough to make an hour long vlog, but then Severa cut him off.
"I'm Severa, this pervert is Inigo, these hero obsessed morons are Owain and Cynthia, shy boy here is Yarne, and this guy with the ridiculous hat is Laurent." Frank as ever. Owain and Cynthia look disappointed; it seems like they had a grand introduction planned out.
"So, is there anyone else that may come down here? Because, like, we've already run into eight of you today," John asks. Clearly he's in on the plan.
"Yeah, more of us came through the portal. It doesn't seem like they made it here, however," Yarne says. He looks and sounds pretty scared, not that I can blame him given his backstory. Of course, he also happens to be a taguel, so I guess the jury is still out on whether or not he's a P.A.B. (Pussy Ass Bitch).
Oh yeah, that's right. Are the rest of the future children going to make it down here, or did they get into Ylisse somehow? It's another thing to wonder about- would that be a good thing or a bad thing? Wait, I can't wonder about that yet, because John is speaking up again.
"Yo, Lucina, so you said that your parents all died, right?" She nods in reply. "So who exactly wanted you all dead?"
"Our primary enemies were from Plegia. So we ended up fighting their army, King Validar, who was also the leader of the Grimleal, a group of religious fanatics intent on reviving Grima, a malicious dragon whose purpose is to end the world as we know it. In the future where we come from, he succeeds. Our mission is to go back in time and prevent this from happening," Lucina explains.
"Damn. It seems like whoever was in charge of the time traveling part really messed up, because they took you to the wrong realm, and in the wrong direction. You motherfuckers got taken forward in time," I note. Like, seriously, how the fuck does that happen? I believe it's Naga who helps send them back in the game, so if I meet her I'll have to tell her to up her time travel game. It's pretty weak, like Ex6TenZ at the majors. I don't know if I feel sad or laugh at that comment. Context- the majors are the biggest tournaments in Counter Strike. After the first one, he hasn't made the playoffs of a single major. While he is, to many, one of the greatest in game leaders in CS:GO (short for Counter Strike: Global Offensive), these repeated failures have left him rotting in Team , a squad that figures to go nowhere quickly.
Man, I'm really zoning out today. Like, even more than usual. Back to the topic at hand… "It must have been an rare accident by the Divine Dragon Naga in the heat of the moment, as we of the Justice Cabal were being chased by the Grimleal while trying to go back," Cynthia explains. Color me surprised; for her character, that was pretty restrained, and I actually understood what she was saying. "In order to prevent the disastrous future that is to come, we must go back to Ylisse and help our parents in the wars to come." Two for two, Cynthia. Good job.
"Will you help our humble group, the Justice Cabal, in our quest to rewrite Ylissean history?" Owain asks. Doesn't sound so humble to me, but then again, I can't exactly say no to such a charming group. Especially one that is armed to the teeth with weapons and Severa's razor tongue (it may as well be a weapon all on it's own). So with that in mind...
"Okay, we'll help out. Now, just start from the beginning so we know what we're doing here."
And that begins a very long explanation.
Author's Note: I really just wanted to write something unlike anything I'd ever done before, so that's how this got written. Anyway, I think that's the longest chapter I've written to this date, hopefully I can maintain a consistent and longer chapter length for this story. Don't worry, I've got greater heights planned here, the table just needs to be set first. Hoping I can update faster, leave reviews for praise, constructive criticism or whatever it may be. Stick around, I'm not dead!