I Never Will Forget :)
I couldn't sleep, too much going on, too much going around in my head. I thought of all the people who have left my life, my mum, my kids, Doug and of course you. Sat here in your home I thought of nothing else, the home that is now someone else's and not just anyone…my dad. Our memories plague me and I'm powerless to stop the flashbacks of happiness and a stolen future. I wonder what we'd be doing right now if we were together. I've tried so hard to convince myself that you don't matter to me anymore, but being in this flat has just reminded me that my heart is still yours.
I even tried to make my marriage work, I really believed that Doug was who I truly wanted to be with, but then if that were true I would be in America right now. I gave up on my marriage for you before and I would've done it again. Doug lost his life and I lost my husband and as horrible as it sounds I know I would've hurt him again, especially if you came home. I loved him in my own way, I even told him as much and before he died I told him I would've picked him over you, but we both knew the truth deep down. It's always been you.
Everyone who comes into my life leaves or dies, but you shouldn't have left me. I wonder why the hell you did. Why didn't you tell the truth? You should've fought harder for me. Instead you let me slip through your fingers and out of your life. I have nothing of you now. I remember the first time I ever came back here with you. You got me steaming drunk, gave me more booze than I could handle, but then you knew what you were doing didn't you?
You were grooming me, enticing me into your life until I wanted you so much that I couldn't breathe. You made me fall in love you desperately with all my heart until nothing mattered but you. Even though everything inside this flat has now changed, it's still yours to me and always will be. I feel kinda sad being here without you and if I had a choice I wouldn't be, but this is my home now and I have to at least give it a chance. I know you'd want me to.
I remember turning up at yours uninvited and you welcoming me in every time. Showing me what it was really like to be alive, devouring me over and over with a passion that only we shared. I needed you, but you needed me equally. I saw it your eyes, those intense eyes that could've made me do absolutely anything and they did often. I would have given you the world if I could, but just like everyone else, when things got tough you left me. I've been through so much since you've been gone and you don't even have a clue.
You told me to move on with my life and I tried I really did, but every time I did try something took me back to the start and now I'm here in your home, wanting you, needing you and loving you all over again. I always knew that you'd be impossible to get over. I thought in time I'd get used to living without you, but being here has just brought everything back and now if feels like yesterday that you were taken away from me.
Do you even know how many times I've fallen apart without you? Or how many tears I've cried? All I want is you and no one else is ever going to fill this enormous hole in my heart. I tried to love again, but all it does is remind me of you and what I've lost. No one makes me feel the way you do and I've just got to accept that. Maybe I should try writing to you, maybe if you knew about everything that I'd been through that you'd let me see you. It's worth a try at least.
But for now I shall try and hold it all together. I will try and be strong even if everywhere I look in this flat some kind of memory is breaking my heart all over again. Maybe in time I will get comfort from the memories, maybe they will make me feel closer to you. You told me you loved me for the first time right here in this living room, I remember that like it was yesterday. I wish it was yesterday then we'd still have loads more time together. I'd do anything for just one more day with you. I can still hear your voice and those words, those last words you spoke to me. I never will forget.
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