"Goddam Hazard 13, he had to go and look at some book because Hair Boy and Gimpy were so excited about it. Now it looks like I'm trapped in a Japanese video game… probably FFTA." I thought as I twirled the swords that had appeared in a belt around my waist about an hour ago.
For the last 15 minutes, since I had drawn the swords, the skin on my left hand had blistered, and now the pain was unbearable. I looked down. The pentagram on the back of my left hand looked more sharply detailed than it had been before I had drawn the weapon. Next, I looked at the hilt of the sword. It said Excalibur.
'Shit!" I screamed, flinging the holy blade into the woods along the side of the road as hard as I could.
"Eeeeeeeeeeee- thunk." A scream cut short. ' Who threw that," yelled a feminine voice "You killed my friend, and I'm out of Phoenix Downs!"
"I hope it hurt bitch!" I yelled, laughing.
' Engage!" yelled the creature that belonged to that obscenely high voice.
'Lady, were you castrated at birth or something, 'cause you could break glass with that voice." I groaned, covering my ears in pain.
"Tweeeeee! Today's laws are-"
'Oh great a tin can on an overgrown chicken… just send me back to hell, so I can rot," I snarled 'To hell with you and your laws."
"-no attacking, no techniques, no skills, no items, aaaaaaaaaaand-"
" What the hell are you PMSin' me for man, I haven't hurt you yet," I said "Just show me what I'm supposed to slaughter.
"Meeeeeeeee!" came the voice of doom, almost driving me to my knees. The voice belonged to an over-grown rabbit that jumped out from behind a tree, pulling back a bowstring.
"Shutupshutupshutup!" I roared, lunging forward. My El Cid met no resistance as it sliced through the bow, and smashed into the rabbit's face.
"Owwowowoowowowowowowow." Moaned the rabbit, drawing a new bow and firing point-blank into my side.
'That…was…my…goddam…liver…sonofabitch."
"Hey, no swearing gasped the can, evidently tired from sitting on the chicken for the 5 second battle.
'Both of you are gonna die," I said happily "Ultima Blade!" The ensuing wave of energy exploded out of the can, vaporizing all but the head, fried the chicken, and roasted the rabbit.
' Hmmm… food, well, I am hungry." I said, boxing up the chicken, and addressing it to Popeyes. I then proceeded to cut up the rabbit. Blood sprayed in huge red arcs out of the ends of the limbs that I had hacked from the rabbit… Viera I now remembered, and that can was a Judge, oh well, oops. I lit a fire, using the Viera's fur as tinder, and soon had a perfectly roasted rabbit leg, minus the foot. ' This tastes… different." I mused, falling asleep. I resolved to find Hazard 13 and Nite Joe in the night, when I was strongest.